Crossroads
by Emmyjean
Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. She ultimately finds great strength both within herself and those she never would have expected. FINAL CHAPTER UP July 8 05!
1. Prologue

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: The long journey of James Potter and Lily Evans over the course of their last year at Hogwarts.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE.  **By the way…yes, I KNOW I left the character of Arabella Figg as she was in the first version!  Trust me, I wouldn't overlook such a thing.  All shall be explained later. ;)

Prologue

_June, Fifth Year_

            "Prongs, where did you put that deck of exploding snap cards?" Sirius Black called over the noise of talking and laughing in the Gryffindor common room.  It was the end of the term, and the Gryffindor prefects had been given permission by Professor McGonagall to throw a party in celebration. There was an endless amount of food and butterbeer, much game-playing, and even a few slight mishaps...but the evening was still young.

            "I don't know, I didn't have them," James Potter called from his place on a couch, his arm resting casually across the shoulders of the girl he was seeing at the moment, "Ask Wormtail!"

            Peter Pettigrew turned at the sound of his nickname and raised his eyebrows. Short and stocky, he didn't look the part of a Marauder – James, Sirius, and Remus Lupin were all tall and lean. "Is someone calling me?"

            "Yeah," Sirius grumbled, "What did you do with those cards?"

            Peter blinked, then pulled the deck out of the pocket of his trousers. Holding it out to Sirius, he asked, "Are you going to have a game?"

            "In a manner of speaking," Sirius replied cryptically, earning a suspicious look from Remus. He walked over to where James was sitting and asked, "Care for a game?"

            James eyed the deck Sirius was waving enticingly in front of his face, then smiled evilly and jumped up, the girl next to him temporarily forgotten at the prospect of causing some sort of mischief.  They cleared a space at the table nearest the window, and Sirius dealt. Remus and Peter walked over to watch, along with some other interested students. After both players had a full hand, Remus asked wryly, "What could possibly make you two start a game of cards in the middle of a party?"

            James grinned up at his friend and replied, "Think of the possibilities."

            Sirius smiled slightly at this and asked, "Hey James?"

            "Hmm?"

            "How do you reckon could we make this game more entertaining for the group of onlookers we seem to have attracted?"

            James glanced around and replied, "Huh...I don't know. It would have to be something spectacular, to keep this lot's attention."

            The two friends locked eyes and made their decision, grinning as they did.

            "Why do I think this is going to end badly?" Remus mumbled mildly.

             "Nonsense, Moony," James reassured, removing his wand from his pocket, "We're only going to _enhance_ the game a bit."

            "Besides," Sirius said, an ironic smile twisting his handsome face, "What are you going to do?  Report us?"

            At this, Lily Evans finally decided to speak up. She too was a prefect, and she felt it was her duty to say something in the way of a warning...even if the fact was that she really didn't want to get involved.  How was she supposed to live up to the badge if she shied away from the things that were hard?  After all...she'd dealt with him and his friends before.  "Look...I don't think you should do this. We aren't allowed to use magic at all...it was one of the conditions to having this party."

            James and Sirius exchanged a glance, and James replied, "Oh, come on, Evans. No one has to know."

            She persisted, "I don't think you should. It could go wrong."

            James rolled his eyes slightly to himself and replied, "Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing."

            Turning, he eyed her for a moment before a slow smile lifted the corners of his mouth.  "Besides...it's obvious that the things I've been doing so far to impress you haven't been working."

She narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head, embarrased as always when he did this in front of people.  It was clear they were completely different people and had nothing in common, and everyone knew that a relationship of any kind between them was a ridiculous notion...but did he have to use this knowledge to consistently make fun of her?  She knew he wasn't serious, and that it was probably just his way of joking with her...but she couldn't help feeling sometimes that there was a slight bit of maliciousness behind it as well.  He knew full well that it embarrassed her...and he knew that everytime he did it, he'd get a laugh.  It boosted his ego, she thought as her brows came together in a frown.  Shooting her a wink, he smiled wider and proceeded to ignore Lily's protests, putting some kind of enchantment on the deck in front of him. Then, he grinned roguishly and put his wand away, seating himself once more.

            "What did you do?" Pettigrew asked excitedly.

            James began to shuffle and replied, "Like I said...I just enhanced the deck, that's all."

            Sirius and James began to play, and the rest of the Gryffindors were soon roaring with laughter as it became apparent what this enhancement entailed. The cards, when they did explode, were ten times louder and released double the smoke and soot. James and Sirius were soon covered in smudges and the place smelled like someone was burning rubber. Lily, still worried about a disaster, looked on with her arms crossed, waiting for the slightest indication that this game could turn dangerous so that she could put a stop to it.  Frankly, she wished Remus Lupin would just do it...after all, he too was a prefect, and they were _his_ friends.  As she glanced at him, however, she noticed that although he didn't seem to be abandoning himself so easily to the hilarity of the moment, he also didn't seem too concerned.  Sighing again, she decided to just wait it out...as it was, she just couldn't bear to ruin everyone's fun if she didn't have to...after all, nothing bad had happened yet.  As thought hearing her thoughts, James looked up and saw her.  Shaking his head, he assured,

            "Evans, relax. Nothing's going to happen."

            No sooner had the words left his mouth, however, than a card shot out of Sirius' hand. It was supposed to have exploded, but instead was behaving like some sort of wayward firecracker. Before anyone could register what had happened, the card flew straight at the long, red drapes hanging in the window and ignited them.

            James and Sirius jumped up, as did many other students, amidst screams and yells. Lily, however, was the one who got there first. She reached up and ripped the curtains from their rods. As they came tumbling down around her, still blazing, she felt a searing pain in her right arm. Not having time to think about it, she and a few other students who had come to her aid worked to put the fire out before it spread. At last, the fire itself was extinguished, although the room was even more full of smoke than it was before. Lily heard someone open a window, and then someone started to laugh.

            It was Sirius Black. Soon, he was roaring with laughter at the entire spectacle, and James joined him wholeheartedly. A few others began to titter, and it wasn't long before the entire student population of Gryffindor tower was in hysterics. Lily wasn't concerned about this right now, however...she was attempting to examine her throbbing arm through the haze of smoke in front of her.

            "What's the matter, Lily?" came a voice from beside her. It was her friend, Helen Knowles.

            "I'm not sure...I think it's hurt," she replied, motioning at her forearm.

            "We need to get to the hospital wing, then," Arabella Figg, her other best friend, said while casting a glare in the direction of James and Sirius, "That was completely irresponsible."

            Lily shushed her, not wanting to cause a scene, and the three of them slipped unnoticed out the portrait hole and up through the corridors of Hogwarts until they reached the hospital wing. The school nurse, Madam Pomfrey, came bustling over to see what was the matter. She tutted when she saw Lily's burn, and scooted her over to sit on a bed. Lily smiled slightly...it seemed Madam Pomfrey had been there forever.

            "Miss Evans, this is nothing other than a nasty burn, but how in the world did you get it?"

            Lily cast a glance at Arabella, who widened her eyes a bit in encouragement. She was of no help...she would have relished getting the Marauders in trouble for this. However, it was Lily who would have to live with it if she did.  Why hadn't she just put a stop to it when she had the chance? "Umm...well, we were having a party in the common room, and there was a small...er, mishap," she replied vaguely.

            The old nurse would not be put off, however.

            "A mishap? In the form of a fire, you mean?" she asked knowingly, a frown marring her brow as she applied cool paste to the burn. It truly did look like a horrible wound.

            Lily hesitated, then decided it would be no good trying to lie about it. She nodded, and Madam Pomfrey stood up, clasping her hands tightly in front of her.

            "Miss Evans, I'm sure I don't have to stress to you the importance of my reporting this incident to the head of your house. Being a prefect, you must know that I am obligated to..."

            "Oh, please," Lily cut her off, desperately. She couldn't bear to think about what those boys would do if they thought she told on them. She didn't get along very well with James Potter as it was.  "You don't have to do that. It was only an accident..."

            "An accident undoubtedly caused by magic, and I happen to know for a fact that magic was forbidden at this particular gathering."

            Lily shook her head firmly, knowing even now that it was futile but unable to simply give up, "Really, I'm fine. I don't wish to report it...please, I'll take care of it myself..."

            "I'm afraid that is impossible," Madam Pomfrey said with a finality that made Lily's heart sink, "You might very well have been hurt much worse, not to mention other students who were put in danger. I won't ask you to give me names, Miss Evans...but I _must_ report it."

            Lily let out her breath in one hopeless sigh, and her shoulders sank. After promising Madam Pomfrey that she'd keep her bandage on overnight, she and her friends walked out of the infirmary. Helen didn't say much, but Arabella spoke up.

            "Lily, it's the only right thing to do, and you know it. They were way out of line."

            "That's easy for you to say, Bella," Lily replied, "_You're_ not going to have to deal with the consequences."

            "Consequences?"

            Lily sighed again in frustration. "It's not as if I get along very well with James Potter and his friends _now_."

            Arabella snorted, and they argued back and forth on it for a few moments without reaching any sort of agreement. Eventually, they reached the tower, and to Lily's utter dismay were met by Professor McGonagall climbing out of the portrait hole.

            "Miss Evans, may I have a word with you please?"

            Arabella and Helen looked sympathetically at Lily before heading inside. Lily stood before the professor, trying to hide her bandage with the sleeve of her robes. McGonagall noticed and said sharply,

            "No need to hide it from me, Miss Evans. I know all about it from Madam Pomfrey."

            Lily looked at the floor and grimaced. News traveled quickly around this school.

            "Miss Evans," McGonagall continued, "I have no one to punish in this instance, although a grave offense has been committed. You have not given us any names, and I must say I disapprove...you are not acting the part of a prefect."

            Lily didn't know how to respond to this, so she kept silent and waited for her to continue. After a moment, she did.

            "If you are willing to let the ones responsible go unpunished, that is your decision...but I hope that in the future, you will try and put your duties first.  That is...if you want to be considered for the position of Head Girl one day."

            As McGonagall walked briskly away, Lily closed her eyes and thought that perhaps she might kill herself when she got up to her dorm. Frankly, she didn't know why she was being spoken to so strictly...it wasn't as if she had caused the fire. She was a victim of circumstance in this case, and no one seemed to understand that. She stepped slowly forward and gave the Fat Lady the password, but what she saw when the portrait swung open made her reconsider her options – perhaps it would be better if she just killed herself right now.

            James Potter sat there, scowling at her as she came through the opening. She shivered quite involuntarily...she had never quite gotten along with him as well as everyone else, but she had never seen his eyes so cold before.

            Yet at the same time, they burned with rage.

            "What good did you expect it to do, may I ask?" he spat as she started to walk toward the stairs. She stopped, sensing that he wanted a fight...and he was going to get one. She didn't respond, trying desperately to come up with something to say in her defense. After all, the situation did look pretty incriminating. He let out a derisive laugh behind her and went on,

            "I knew you were stuck-up and swotty, Evans...everyone did.  I could've overlooked those as minor character flaws. It was just somehow surprising that you would be a rat as well."

            Lily spun around, feeling her neck burn as anger swept through her. How dare he say these things to her when he didn't even know what had happened? In any case...he was the one who caused the mess in the first place. He and his stupid, careless friends.

            "If I recall correctly," she shot back, "YOU were the one who started this whole thing! If you hadn't been so predictably arrogant..."

            "You can afford to be bloody arrogant sometimes if you know how to handle a situation!" he yelled, surprising her, "But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? You're the most ineffective prefect I've ever seen...maybe that's why you feel you need to run and fetch a professor every time something happens."

            "I'm ineffective?" she sputtered, unable to believe her ears, "You caused a fire in the common room, Potter! That's not exactly what I would call 'handling a situation'!"

            "_I'm_ not a prefect...besides, it was nothing and you know it. It got put out in two seconds, if that," he said irritably.

She struggled to think of something to say...she wasn't good with words in the same way he was. She wasn't as quick of a thinker, and it was a disadvantage in this situation. "What are you so worked up about, anyway? You didn't get in trouble, did you?"

He raised an eyebrow at her and said, "McGonagall's not happy with the prefects right now, as you were supposed to be monitoring the use of magic. She'll probably never let us have another bloody party in here again, thanks to you...not to mention the fact that Remus'll probably get in some kind of trouble."

            "Well, maybe he _should_, then!  You weren't supposed to be using magic at all! Someone could've gotten hurt! Can't you see that?" she replied in her most firm tone, unconsciously rubbing at her hidden wound as she did.

            He snorted and replied, "Come on...don't be daft."

            She was about to retort when he held up a hand. "I really don't feel like talking to you anymore, Evans. You just go on up to bed, and dream about what it would be like if you actually had some influence around here. Go on."

            As she stood there, dumbstruck by his blunt insults the likes of which she'd never heard from him before, he considered her for a moment longer and then let out a hollow little laugh.  Shaking his head and messing his hair, he commented, "You know what I just figured out?  You were _not_ worth the effort."

            She felt her eyes begin to burn in frustration as she turned to huff away, but before she went even halfway up the stairs she turned back and said quietly, "You know, Potter...you needn't be so smug.  This is exactly what lost you that prefect's badge, but I guess we should all be thanking you for that, shouldn't we?  Otherwise we might have been stuck with you actually _having_ power instead of just thinking you do because you happen to be popular.  You're an egotistical, insolent, overconfident git...nothing more."

            She turned and hurried the rest of the way up to the dorms, where her friends were no doubt waiting to hear what had happened...and for once, she noted that James Potter was left speechless. 

            From that night on, James Potter and Lily Evans held each other in the utmost contempt and loathing. They only spoke to each other when it was absolutely necessary, and even then conversation was short and often curt. This made it all the more abominable for them both – and alarming for the Hogwarts students and faculty – when, in a decision that somewhat shocked the school, James Potter was made prefect in their sixth year...  

...and then he and Lily were made Head Boy and Girl in their seventh year.

**To Be Continued in Chapter One**

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.hiddentower.50megs.com


	2. Irreconcilable Differences

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces.  In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE.  **By the way…yes, I KNOW I left the character of Arabella Figg as she was in the first version!  Trust me, I wouldn't overlook such a thing.  All shall be explained later. ;) 

**CHAPTER ONE:  Irreconcilable Differences**

_Mid-October, Seventh Year_

Lily Evans walked into Professor McGonagall's office and greeted her, taking her usual chair in front of the desk. Glancing at the other empty chair beside her, she rolled her eyes...Potter was late again. It was unbelievable, the irony of it all...how does someone who misbehaves as much as he and his friends do every day become Head Boy? 

"Miss Evans, did you happen to_ see _Mr. Potter on your way up?" McGonagall asked crisply. Lily shook her head in the negative, but didn't say anything. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she would launch into a tirade about all the things that were wrong with James Potter - and she knew very well that McGonagall had a soft spot for him. Probably just because he's the best chaser on the house Quidditch team. Personally, Lily thought the school placed far too much emphasis on that game.  Just as McGonagall glanced irritatedly at the clock, the door opened and the Head Boy in question walked in as if he had all the time in the world. McGonagall pursed her lips at him, but before she could say anything, he flashed her a smile and said simply,

"Sorry, professor...got held up at practice."

McGonagall softened, just as she always did, and Lily thought she might be sick. How was it that everyone could like this boy when he was so obviously full of himself? Lily wished for the millionth time that they were reporting directly to the Headmaster every week instead of McGonagall...perhaps then Potter wouldn't be so smug about his disregard for the precious time other people spent waiting for him all the time.

"Well then, Potter...I expect to see results in next week's game. Sit."

He took his place next to Lily, and neither of them spared the other a glance. It was common knowledge that they didn't get along very well, and so there was no use in keeping up pretenses. McGonagall shuffled her papers and then looked at them expectantly. "Well? Any problems this week?"

Lily and James both shook their heads, and James spoke first.  "Not too many points taken this week, Professor...but the students of Gryffindor have been inquiring about permission to have a party in the Common Room at the end of the term."

Lily rolled her eyes...again with this party! The end of the term wasn't for two months, and already people were going to be shirking their duties in anticipation of it without adding a party to the mix.

"Professor," she broke in, "I must add that I don't think this is such a good idea."

McGonagall looked at her expectantly as James sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair. Without looking at him, Lily continued stoically,

"In light of what happened at the last end-of-term party Gryffidor was allowed..."

"An incident which was completely beyond anyone's control," James interrupted infuriatingly.

"...I don't think we should be sending the message that such behavior is acceptable by allowing another party to take place."

McGonagall nodded sagely, her eyes narrowed in thought, and replied, "Yes, I see your point Miss Evans. The incident with the curtains catching fire is fresh in my mind as well, I assure you."

"A fact which _Miss_ Evans is quite aware of but has apparently forgotten to point out," James continued in a highly condascending tone, "is that the students of Gryffindor have been on excellent behavior all term, and they should be rewarded somehow. You said it yourself, Professor. And anyway, all this happened nearly two years ago!"

Lily stiffened at his tone and countered, "This may be...however, I believe the incident with the fire nevertheless demonstrates the kind of loss of control that can happen at these parties..."

"Oh, why do you have to act this way about _everything_?" James spat at her suddenly.

"Act like what, a Head Girl?" Lily defended herself vehemently, "At least I take my responsibilities seriously..."

"And I don't, is that what you're implying?"

"No one is _implying_ anything," she replied.

He narrowed his eyes dangerously and was about to retort, but McGonagall suddenly stood up and held out a hand, silencing them both.

"Honestly, I don't know what to do with you two. _Never_ in the history of Hogwarts has there been a Head Boy and Girl who clashed so appalingly and so often as you do. How is anything ever going to get done if you can't agree on anything?"

They didn't reply, but they didn't apologize, either. James crossed his arms and took up a rather defiant pose...how typical of him, Lily thought angrily.

McGonagall eyed them for a moment more, and then sighed.

"Well, I don't suppose there's anything anyone can do about it...but I would ask that from now on, when you come to my office for the Friday report, you keep a civil tone. That goes for BOTH of you...understand?"

They nodded, and she then dismissed them both, promising to think about granting permission for the party...a decision which didn't please either one of them. Once outside, Lily felt her insides twist as she saw that James' friends were waiting for him in the hall. She hated them as much as she hated him - they were all insufferable jerks. She started walking swiftly back to the common room, wishing that her own friends had come to meet her. Now she had to put up with the four of them walking behind her the entire way.

"Well?" Sirius Black asked as he stepped forward, his black eyes glittering in the torchlight, "What did she say?"

"She didn't say anything," James snapped back.

"Didn't you ask her?" whined Peter Pettigrew. Lily didn't know why, but the sound of his voice gave her the creeps.

James gave a bitter huff of laughter, and Lily held her breath...she knew what was coming.

"Yeah, I asked her...only I was thwarted by Head Girl extraordinaire, here."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, his voice now annoyed. Lily began to walk faster, but didn't want it to seem she was running away from them - although she couldn't think of anything she would like to do more right now.

"Oh, you know, the usual," James continued in a mocking tone, "_Miss_ Evans expressed her extreme disapproval of any sort of fun, and promptly made the entire thing much harder than it needed to be."

Lily cringed slightly as she heard a chorus of frustrated male sighs, and then cursed herself for doing it. Why did she even care what they thought of her?

"Great," Sirius muttered, and she had a feeling he would have said more had they not arrived at the portrait hole. Lily looked up at the Fat Lady and gave her the password, and she obligingly swung open.

"What's the matter, Evans?" she heard James say from behind her, "Aren't you going to give her a detention for opening too slowly?"

She heard the others laugh, and she stepped through the opening with her cheeks burning, not giving him the satisfaction of looking around to face him. She went straight over to her friends, Helen Knowles and Arabella Figg, who could tell immediately by the look on her face that the meeting had not gone well. 

"What happened, Lily?" Helen asked, her doe-like brown eyes glancing shyly at the group of boys who had followed her friend in. They were now sitting in a corner, talking and laughing loudly with a few other students.

Lily smiled lightly and muttered, "Oh, just a little bout of Head Girl Syndrome."

Arabella sighed heavily and glared over at where James and his friends were sitting. Lily mimicked Arabella's sigh dramatically, causing Helen to laugh and Arabella to direct her attention back to them. She smiled half-heartedly and said,

"Well, excuse me if I'm actually bothered by the way those fools treat you."

Lily shook her head and replied, "Why do you let it bother you so much? I don't let it bother me...well, for the most part."

"I don't understand that!" Bella exclaimed, and then added more quietly, "I mean, you have to deal with _him_ every day."

She said "him" as though she were talking about the most revolting creature to ever live, and Lily smiled slightly at this even as she gave Bella a reproachful look and corrected,

"Not every day...he doesn't show up to most of the meetings, if you'll recall."

Arabella sighed again and replied testily, "Well, fine then...if you're willing to treat it as anything other than a complete lack of respect..."

"I don't," Lily insisted firmly, the determined set of her jaw matching that of her friend's, "I just hate talking about it over and over, that's all. Why can't we just leave it? If I have to deal with Potter in my duties as Head Girl, then I'd rather not bring him into my spare time."

Arabella nodded and held up her hands as if in surrender, "Alright...you've made your point."

Lily sat back in her chair, thankful that the subject was closed. She thought briefly about what Arabella had said...the truth was, James Potter's blatant disrespect for her bothered her very much. She would never let on to anyone else, but her insecurity in her position had always been that she was Muggle-born, and some students had certain "misgivings" about this. Potter should have been her backup, as he was from one of the most prestigious full-blooded wizarding families in England, but instead he thwarted her authority every chance he got. Still, there was no use complaining about it...it was how it was, and there wasn't anything she could do to change the situation. They simply didn't like each other, and that was that.

Still, she couldn't stand the fact that James Potter was technically at an equal level with her, and yet she did ten times the work he did. How did he manage to get perfect scores when he seemingly didn't work even two hours a week on assignments? Lily grudgingly resigned herself to the answer. It was the same answer she came up with every time she asked this particular question. It was because he was smart - very smart. Maybe even brilliant. Everything came easily to him...high exam scores, friends, sporting ability. It wasn't that she was jealous of James Potter...not at all. She simply resented the fact that he was given half of the credit when she was the one who did all the work, and there was no way she could make anybody else understand that. After all, who would believe her?

In any case, she didn't technically mind having to do all the work herself. She would have liked someone to help her occasionally, but only if it was someone she felt she could trust and who she didn't mind being with on a daily basis. James Potter was not someone could count on...even if everyone else in the world felt they could. As it was, she almost preferred the arrangement they had...she did the work for both of them, and they were spared time they would have been forced to spend together. It was a fair trade, Lily thought.

She decided abruptly that she didn't want to think about it anymore, and forcibly pushed it from her mind. No matter how she tried, though, she couldn't block their laughter coming from the other side of the room...or the horrible paranoia that they were always laughing at her.

~~

That Wednesday, Lily pushed her way through the doors of the library with some difficulty...her arms were laden with books and papers. Impatiently blowing her hair out of her face, she shuffled quickly over to the librarian's desk and set the pile down.

"Hello, Mrs. Hoodwinkle," she smiled at the elderly lady as she began to separate the books she was returning from the ones she needed to keep.

"Good evening, Lily. How has your week been?"

Lily answered politely that her week had been fine, even though it had been absolutely horrid. She had been after the prefects to hand in their suggestion forms all month, as she was supposed to put them all together and hand them in to the headmaster on Monday...and of course, they had all bombarded her with them at the last minute. Now, she was going to have to do that in addition to the weekly points tally - something she did every Wednesday as part of her duties as Head Girl. This was what she reported to Professor McGonagall each Friday. She was supposed to be aided in this duty by Head Boy, but she always ended up doing it alone. It had come to be an unspoken agreement between them that this was how things were done. Shuffling her papers, she stuck them a bit haphazardly into a book and turned to walk to her usual table.

"Oh, Lily?"

She whirled to face the librarian, her eyebrows raised in question. To her dismay, the woman held out yet another stack of papers.

"You'll want Mr. Potter's things as well, won't you?"

Lily seethed inwardly as she resolutely stuck her quill in her mouth and reached out with her free hand to grab the sheets Mrs. Hoodwinkle was holding out. As much as she had come to accept the way things were done, she could never quite squelch the first stab of anger every week when she was handed Potter's disorganized, haphazard pile of notes. The woman smiled, her cheeks rosy as she commented,

"Really, dear...it's very nice of you to do all this for Mr. Potter every week. He seems like such a nice boy, too."

Lily smiled stiffly around the quill clamped in her mouth and nodded, thinking that the woman needed better eyeglasses. Walking to her table, however, she thought that it wasn't entirely poor Mrs. Hoodwinkle's fault. Setting her things down, she sighed as she wondered yet again why she couldn't simply be like everyone else for a change. Then, at the very least, she would have less to worry about. 

Truthfully, though, she almost liked the time alone. Often she would sit and stare pensively out the window after she was finished with her work, thinking about random, silly things. There was precious little time she could spend on that these days, and she took advantage of the opportunity when it became available. Sighing again and pushing her hair behind her ears, she turned to face the pile of work she needed to finish before she could indulge in any sort of relaxing. All in all, it was just a normal Wednesday evening.

At the end of the week, Lily arrived considerably early for the meeting in McGonagall's office, and the professor wasn't there yet when she arrived. Clutching her heavy pile of papers and books from her last class, she sat on the floor, took out a quill, and began making some last minute notations on the report she was to turn in today. After a few moments, she heard footsteps coming down the corridor. She started to collect her things, thinking it was McGonagall, but she rolled her eyes slightly as she realized the footsteps were too heavy to belong to the professor.

She looked up just as Potter came around the corner. He almost tripped over her, not having seen her sitting there, and gave her an exasperated look as she stood up. She raised an eyebrow at him, and he asked curtly,

"Where is she?"

"Professor McGonagall?" she asked, knowing perfectly well who he meant but feeling some kind of odd resentment on the professor's behalf at his having addressed her merely as "she". He gave her a look that told her clearly what he thought of this, and she added, "I don't know...she should be here any minute."

He turned away with a sigh and slumped against the wall directly across from her, his gaze directed down the corridor. She wished he hadn't gotten there so early, because now she had to stand...she didn't know why, but she felt somehow awkward sitting on the floor while he stood. They didn't make small talk – there was no point, as neither one cared enough to ask. After what was thankfully a short time, McGonagall appeared and ushered them into her office. She looked in a hurry tonight, so Lily handed her the report quickly and prayed she would simply let them go. She had some studying to do that night, even though it was Friday.

"Well, I'm not going to keep you two today...I have a meeting with the other House heads, but I have a little matter to briefly discuss."

They both remained standing, and after a moment of shuffling her papers, McGonagall went on,

"I have decided against allowing the Gryffindor party."

Lily didn't know whether she was glad to hear this or not. It was true that she had lobbied against the party in the first place, but she dreaded what would happen once she and Potter got out of this room and away from McGonagall's watchful eye. She glanced briefly at Potter and found him staring at the ceiling, his jaw ticking in anger. There would be hell to pay, that was certain.

"I do not believe," McGonagall continued, "That we need the extra stress of whatever may happen at a gathering like that in addition to the problems we all are already being forced to deal with...both stemming from _within_ the school and from without."

She cast a meaningful glance at the two of them, and then finished, "I don't believe you two are capable of holding it together, in short. Perhaps by the end of the spring term, if I see a change in your ability to work together, we'll discuss this again. Dismissed."

Lily turned and walked out the door, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end at the knowledge that James was right behind her. She supposed it was some long forgotten defense mechanism. Still...she wasn't afraid of him in the least. As predicted, the minute the door had clicked shut behind them, James started in on her.

"Great, Evans...just lovely. I hope you're bloody happy!"

She rounded on him, almost relishing the fight that was about to begin. She could handle him alone...it was just when he had his entourage with him that she got frustrated.

"Don't try to pin this on me, Potter. Everything that's preventing that party is YOUR fault."

His eyebrows shot up and he retorted, "My fault? You're the one who had to open your mouth and make an issue out of nothing. Just as always...you're really very predictable."

She laughed a mirthless laugh, and his eyes darkened in anger. Apparently, he didn't like being laughed at either.

"Potter, you're daft. YOU caused the fire at the last party we had, YOU are the reason we've gotten a bad reputation with McGonagall this year. You can't take your duties seriously enough to even show up in the library ONCE a week!"

"Is that right?" he spat, his voice low and dangerous.

"Yes!" she practically yelled, "It's the truth."

"Why would I, or anyone else," he ground out, "want to spend hours sitting with some bluenosed, stuck-up prude in the bloody library? I'm surprised you have any friends at all, you..."

Before he could finish the insult, she cut in, "Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that. I don't want to hear another word come out of your mouth for the next MONTH."

He sneered at her and replied, "Well, that's too bad, because we have that prefect meeting next week."

She feigned surprise and said, "Oh, are you actually going to grace us with your presence?"

"I've never missed one," he replied smugly.

"Well," she said, turning to go, "It's only a matter of time now, isn't it?"

She walked away, trying to think of the worst possible scenario for the meeting next week so that she could prepare herself. She supposed it would be okay...at least she got the last word back there. Anyway, at least forty percent of the prefects were always on her side when they got into fights at these meetings. Luckily, she didn't have to suffer an encounter with him until the following week at the meeting, besides some little incidents here and there stemming from his resentment of the party issue. As usual, she got there early, and he was the last to arrive.

"Quiet, please! Quiet!" Lily called over the din of the crowd seated at a now-empty table in the Great Hall. She glanced irritably at James, who was lounging a few paces away from her and not bothering to help.

"Alright," she began when everyone was settled down, "Let's get through everything fast. The more time we waste, the longer we have to be here, and I'm sure no one wants that."

"I wouldn't bet on it," James muttered, sending a chorus of hushed laughter and not-so-hushed tutting through the room. Lily glared at him and said,

"Well, maybe _you'd_ like to preside, then?"

He barely glanced up as he commented insolently, "Naw, Evans...I wouldn't want to take away your only joy in life."

She felt her insides coil in hatred for every black hair on his smug head, and went on before she could say anything else to provoke a full-out fight.

"Now, the first order of business...did someone from the Ravenclaws have something to say?"

A sixth-year Ravenclaw prefect stood up and scanned the room, his eyes narrowing as he began, "This isn't something I was hoping I'd have to bring up here, but the situation has gotten way out of hand. We've had too many reports coming in this week of various members of the Slytherin house seeking out Muggle-borns for harrassment."

Lily frowned, the accusation hitting her hard.

"What sort of harrassment, Tom?" she asked, concerned.

He turned to her, knowing she would be sympathetic, and replied, "Various things...mostly little, but who knows where it could lead if it isn't stopped now."

"Have the perpitrators admitted that they were driven by discrimination against Muggle-borns?" James broke in, standing now and looking serious.

Tom, the Ravenclaw prefect, shifted his weight from one side to the other.

"Well, no...but..."

"It's obvious!" another prefect, this one a Hufflepuff fifth-year named Ursula, interrupted, "The students who are members of full-blooded families are always left alone."

James nodded reasonably and replied, "I imagine it _is_ obvious, but unless we have proof, we can't do much about it."

A Slytherin seventh-year drawled, "Such a shame, too," causing the other Slytherin prefects to snicker and James to shoot them a look. Lily, however, was still smarting at the implication of bigotry, and had her gaze locked on James.

"I think there should be _something_ we can do about it," she contradicted adamantly. He turned to her, looking slightly annoyed, and replied,

"Evans, don't let personal feelings get in the way of your job. You know we can't..."

"It's our job to make sure the students of this school are safe!" she interrupted, "I don't understand why you assume this can't be dealt with in a manner which..."

"Look," he broke in, his apparent frustration mounting, "We'll keep taking points like we always do, but until someone says something that can be clearly construed as a bigoted remark, there's nothing possible beyond that to be done."

She sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing deep-down that he was right but thinking she'd rather eat her foot than admit this in front of the Slytherins. 

"Alright, fine...but let it be understood," she moved on, narrowing her eyes at the smug Slytherins, "that the situation is being monitored."

The two other prefects reclaimed their seats, pacified for the moment, and James also sat back down. Lily remained standing and moved the meeting along. They discussed various insignificant things, from a broken common room window in the Hufflepuff dorm to an issue of exemption for the no-magic-in-the-corridors rule. Just as she thought they had gotten through everything, a Hufflepuff sixth-year named Sheila Higgins spoke up.

"I have one more thing to address, if you don't mind, Lily," she asked, and Lily nodded at her to go ahead. She turned to face the room and said,

"I know this is going to sound a bit...odd, but I think we should have time slots organized for use of the prefect's bathroom. I've heard a lot of the...er, the female prefects complain about lack of privacy, and a few have even been walked in on."

A Slytherin called Edmund broke in, "I personally don't think that's possible. We can't arrange time slots for every single individual prefect!"

"That's not what I meant," Sheila retorted impatiently, "I just think the time should be divided between boys and girls, so there's no danger of..."

"Can I strongly veto this idea in the interest of...well, interest?" a Ravenclaw named Will Church piped up jokingly. The other males in the room laughed good-naturedly – including Head Boy – as Sheila Higgins' face went bright red and she cast her eyes to the floor. Lily suddenly became quite angry at the reception this girl's suggestion was receiving. 

"I for one," Lily put in, "think it's a perfectly sound idea, and I can't believe it's never come up before."

Will Church groaned and eyed Lily in what she knew was an innocent, playful manner as he responded, "Aw, come on...let's not ruin all our fun!"

The other boys laughed again, and the girls rolled their eyes. James stood up and said, "Will, you have to understand...ruining people's fun is what Miss Evans does best."

For a moment she had thought that he was about to stand up for her, but what had ended up coming out of his mouth was making her see red. She abandoned all hope of keeping her temper under control as she turned to him and bit out,

"Just because you can't bring yourself to actually _care_ about anything doesn't mean you have to humiliate people over it! I think it was a good idea."

James smile disappeared from his face and his eyes clouded with anger...he looked furious, and she knew it was leftover ire from earlier that day. He responded,

"I thought it was a good idea as well, so don't try and make me look like an ass. Miss Higgins knows none of us were being serious."

Sheila Higgins' eyes darted from James to Lily, terrified someone was going to ask her to take a side. Lily didn't even think of this, however, as she went on,

"Well, that didn't stop you from putting her through the ringer, did it? How long were you going to make her stand up there in front of everyone, being made to look silly?"

"No one was making her look silly, Evans!" he practically shouted, pointing a finger at the still-frightened Sheila, "You're just having some kind of problem with it because you have no sense of humor, and everyone knows it."

Lily felt her face burn with unbridled fury, and she took a step closer to Potter as she yelled back, "You wouldn't know, would you? I stand up here and try to keep things going, and all you can do is sit there pretending that you make some kind of difference at these meetings. Why don't you just stay away from the next one...I doubt you'd be missed."

His eyes flared for a moment, and then he turned to the prefects...they were all sitting, silent and wide-eyed, waiting for some direction. James gave it to them.

"You can all go."

They stood up and left so quickly you'd think someone had yelled fire. Then again, that's practically what this was, she thought as James turned back to her.

"You've just made a spectacle of yourself."

"YOU have made a spectacle of the BOTH of us. When are you planning on growing up, Potter?"

He laughed bitterly and replied, "If growing up means I'll have to adopt personality traits that even remotely resemble yours, then I'll NEVER do it."

"Well, then you're right on track," she countered, her cheeks probably glowing pink.

He stepped back and regarded her silently for a moment, then shook his head and said, "You know? I take that back."

She blinked, and before she could say anything he finished, "You don't HAVE a personality."

With that, he turned and stormed out of the room, calling sarcastically over his shoulder as he left, "Maybe that's why it's always _such_ a pleasure being with you, Evans."

Lily watched as he walked out of the Great Hall doors, and to her chagrin she couldn't think of anything to say in retaliation. All she could do was stand there and remind herself over and over again that he was wrong...he didn't know her. She was only doing her duty. She did have a sense of humor...her friends knew that quite well. She couldn't help wondering, however, why his comments still hurt, even if she knew he didn't know what he was talking about. 

Deciding that it would be pointless to keep thinking about it, she gathered up her notes and papers and left the Hall, wondering how she was ever going to get through the year.

~~

"Now then...can anyone tell me the incantation for the temporary resizing of objects?"

Lily promptly raised her hand in the air, and Flitwick's eyes lit up as he called on her delightedly, "Yes, Miss Evans?"

"It's grandiosa, or if you're shrinking, minimosa."

"Good! Take five points for Gryffindor, Miss Evans."

The other Gryffindors in her class smiled at her as they always did in Charms...it was her best subject, and she always earned points for the house from Flitwick. If McGonagall had a soft spot for James Potter, then it was Flitwick who kept one for her. She was about to go back to her note-taking when she heard Sirius Black's voice behind her say softly,

"Why is it that some people always seem to have something to prove?"

Lily felt anger bubble up in her chest and she whirled her head around, only to see the Marauders - the stupid nickname the group had earned somehow - sitting behind her. Sirius was gazing at her with contempt, Peter was giggling silently, James was smirking at Sirius...but Remus Lupin was not smiling at all. He stared at Lily for a moment, a look in his eyes she couldn't identify but knew she hadn't expected to see. He turned to Sirius and said in a low voice,

"Stop it. A lot of people have to prove themselves around here, or have you forgotten?"

Black looked over at him in surprise, a flash of guilt crossing his features. The other two stopped smiling and looked suddenly uncomfortable...and suddenly Lily realized she had barely ever heard Remus speak. He was known as the quiet one of the bunch, and for a moment she considered that perhaps he wasn't all that bad - but then she remembered the company he kept, and turned back to her own work.

After class, she summoned her courage and walked up to Sirius Black...she couldn't let this kind of thing go unpunished, especially since she was Head Girl. She needed to assert her authority and show them that she wasn't going to lie back and take their verbal abuse.

"Black?"

He turned and looked at her, scorn written all over his face.

"I'm taking five points from Gryffindor for insubordination."

He looked torn between laughing out loud and strangling her, and the students who were standing nearby stopped and looked on in shock. James, Peter, and Remus turned as well, and were staring at her with mixed expressions.

"What are you trying to..." Black began, but James cut him off.

"She's right, Sirius...and since you took it so well, I'm awarding you with five points."

Lily stared open mouthed at James while he and Sirius looked on in triumph. A few students around them began to giggle, and Lily found it hard to stand up straight suddenly.

"You can't do that," she said furiously to him.

"Oh, I can," he replied, fingering his Head Boy badge, "And I did. Come on, let's go."

He and his friends walked away, all laughing softly...except for Lupin. He caught Lily's gaze before he turned to follow his friends, and she thought she saw a hint of support in them. Something resembling an apology. While she thought it was nice of him, his apologies didn't mean anything.

He hadn't done anything to her. 

She walked back to the common room - or at least, that must have been what happened, although for the life of her she couldn't remember getting there. All she knew was that she was now sitting in a chair in front of the huge fireplace, feeling as though she was going to be sick with frustration. It always had to be something...it was really starting to get on her nerves, too. It had been bad enough last year, when they were merely prefects, but this year was fifty times worse. She decided that next time, she wasn't going to let it happen…he would never do that to her in front of people again. Never.

A few days later, Lily was walking swiftly down the Hall between classes. It was lunch time, and she wanted to get down to the Great hall as quickly as possible to finish up some homework she didn't get done the night before for Transfiguration. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a couple of fifth-years using their wands to torment some girls in front of them. It looked like they were doing something to their hair, and even though the girls were laughing, Lily knew what she had to do.

"Hey!" she called, causing the culprits to nearly drop their wands in alarm. The girls scurried away before they got in trouble as well, and Lily didn't care. She wasn't out to get everyone in hot water, just to enforce neccesary rules. "You aren't supposed to be using magic in the corridors, you know."

The boys glanced at each other and nodded, and she said quietly, "Sorry, boys, but I'm gonna have to take ten points for that from Gryffindor."

"Ten points?" said a voice from behind her which, unfortunately, she recognized as James', "Isn't that a little much, Evans?"

She turned to find him standing there with his awful friend Sirius Black, and they were both looking at her as though she was the one who had done something wrong. Her face was growing hot, and she knew soon it would be as red as her hair. 

"No, I don't," she replied as calmly as she could...she didn't want a fight right now, she was too busy, "Five points from each is very fair."

Potter cast a look at Black, and then he regarded the two boys knowingly, declaring, "I think five points total is fine. Go on."

"Oh, no you don't!" Lily lost her temper, her knuckles throbbing as she gripped her books hard, "I said five points from _each_, and that's what will be taken. Understand?"

He narrowed his hazel eyes at her and replied, "I don't think so. It's too much...go throw your weight around somewhere else."

This was it. Lily was about to open her mouth to loudly tell him off, but she was interrupted unexpectedly by a very familiar female voice.

"How DARE you, you insufferable prat!"

Lily spun around and to her horror found Arabella standing behind her, looking about ready to sprout fangs. Her blue eyes were flashing, and her cheeks were bright pink...Lily had to admit, she looked slightly intimidating.

"Bella..." she warned, but James interrupted in an angry, slightly amused tone.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard what I said," she said coldly, and went on, "I would have said more, but there are younger students in this corridor who don't need to LEARN the names I'd call you!"

There was a tittering of laughter, and the amusement vanished from Potter's eyes. He was about to say something, as was Lily, but then a fourth voice broke in.

"What he means is," Sirius Black growled at Arabella, "Why the hell are _you_ getting involved?"

"Why are YOU?" Bella snapped back, her eyes darting to Black's face. It held the darkest expression Lily had ever seen. Suddenly, something inside her gave, and she didn't care what it looked like or who was watching.

"Oh, this is perfect," she railed at James, ignoring the ensuing fight between Arabella and Black, "You must delight in starting bitter arguments. Honestly, what in the world is the matter with you?"

His brows snapped together, and he stepped intimidatingly close to her as he bit back, "Me? I think it's FUNNY that you're asking me that. Absolutely hilarious. You're the one who lives to show off her shiny Head Girl badge...as if it means anything pinned on you. No one even listens to you anymore, given the amount of nagging you do on a daily basis for even the smallest..."

"What!?" she hurled the word at him, not caring to hear the rest of his little speech, "You're the reason for THAT! And at least I stand behind the badge and not on TOP of it!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked cuttingly.

She raised her eyebrows and her voice, trying somewhat unsuccessfully yo be heard over the shouting match going on between Arabella and Sirius Black, "You USE your position to get the things you want, but you don't ever uphold anything it stands for! You accuse ME of being ineffective, but you're so lenient I haven't even had a chance to SEE if your influence stretches anywhere. All I know is that you're completely incompetent."

He laughed angrily and retorted, "Really? Well, let's take a vote, shall we? I'd stake my entire inheritance that I'd win against you in a..."

"A popularity contest?" she cut him off knowingly, "Yes, I'm sure you would...that's the only thing you seem to work tirelessly at, Potter. Making everyone hate ME so that YOU can feel good about yourself."

"How I feel about myself has absolutely nothing to do with YOU, I assure you," he replied smugly.

She gave a little laugh that she didn't feel and replied, "Oh, yes...I forgot. You think very highly of yourself. In fact, I think you are the most egotistical, self-satisfied person I have ever known."

His eyes grew enraged as the words issued from her mouth, although he kept the rest of his face deceivingly neutral, She wondered that she was actually getting to him with what she said, as she never would have expected it, but what he said next made any remorse she might have felt for her vitriolic tirade disappear.

"Evans," he said in a low, silky voice, "Your insults mean nothing to me, as I consider you the most desperate, pathetic little tattle-tale I've ever had the horror of meeting. You don't deserve..."

"ENOUGH!" came a stern bark from further down the hall. James broke off, Lily heaved a breath, and the rest of the students in the corridor were reduced to bone-chilling silence as they looked upon the furious face of Professor McGonagall. She didn't bother to approach them, but her face was so tense it looked about to crack as she snapped,

"You two...in my office. Immediately."

Lily cast James one last look of pure loathing, which he returned whole-heartedly, before turning on her heel and following the professor back to her office. Once inside, she motioned vaguely for them to sit and likewise seated herself behind her desk. Lily had never seen such a look on McGonagall's face, and she was beginning to become very nervous. The professor didn't say anything for a moment, but merely stared back and forth between the two of them. When she finally did speak, although it was in a relatively quiet tone, Lily almost jumped from the tension.

"This is the final...the FINAL straw. The other professors, the students and I have endured all we can from you two and now this ridiculous public animosity between you will come to an END."

She stood, and Lily followed her with her eyes, feeling the beginnings of cold shame weave their way into her stomach. She had known it was ridiculous before, but now it seemed even more so. The professor went on, pacing as she spoke,

"The roles of Head Boy and Girl are not to be taken lightly. You are entrusted with the heavy responsibility of setting an example for the older students and being role models for the younger ones. You are meant to work as a team...as _partners_. The bond between you is meant to be something that can be RELIED upon, and you are supposed to support each other. If you don't agree on a certain point, you are meant to be able to work it out CIVILLY and in PRIVATE."

She came back around and sat down once again in her chair. After a brief pause, she continued,

"I'm sure it is improbable, if not impossible, that you two will ever hold each other in high personal regard. I believe it is safe to say that the opportunity for that has long passed. However," she glanced back and forth between them, "I'm sure I can say with great confidence that this kind of blatant and unneccesarily LOUD display of your mutual contempt will not occur again in the future. You may not like each other...but you WILL learn to work together. Do you understand?"

Lily nodded, and although she didn't look at Potter she assumed he must be making some kind of affirmative gesture as well. McGonagall stood once again and concluded,

"You can start right now. I want you two to come to some kind of agreement before you leave this office, and in the future you are to begin taking your responsibilities seriously. I mean ALL of them...meetings, reports, everything. I don't want to hear a single complaint for the rest of the year. Is all this quite clear?"

Lily nodded again, supposing she should be thankful that McGonagall didn't relieve both of them of their titles. They would have deserved it in many ways. Without another word, the professor left them alone. After an awkward and highly charged moment, Lily decided she would speak first if only to end the silence.

"She's right, you know."

He didn't reply...merely sighed heavily. 

She went on, "We certainly don't have to like each other...but let's just agree not to contradict each other or argue with each other in _front_ of anyone anymore, alright?"

He looked at her grudgingly and replied, "Fine."

She heaved a sigh of her own and stood up to leave. Before she could get out the door, he asked tiredly, "What time are those Wednesday things, anyway? The ones in the library?"

She looked over her shoulder to find him rubbing his eyes wearily under his glasses. She replied, "Seven o'clock."

He nodded slightly, and ran his hands through his messy black hair as he stood. They didn't say anything more to each other for the rest of the day, and Lily considered that although it wasn't the best way to make things happen...at least there was the promise of some kind of change. Whichever way it was presented, things were going to be much easier for her from now on.

She hoped.

**To Be Continued in Chapter Two**

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.hiddentower.50megs.com


	3. Boundaries

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces.  In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE.  **By the way…yes, I KNOW I left the character of Arabella Figg as she was in the first version!  Trust me. :)

**CHAPTER TWO:  Boundaries**

The Wednesday following the volatile incident in the corridor and subsequent meeting with McGonagall, Lily sat at her usual table in the library, glancing occasionally at her watch and sighing frustratedly.  It was a quarter past seven, and he was late...although she didn't know why she had expected anything different.  She wondered if he was even going to come at all, but dismissed the idea in light of the fact that McGonagall was stopping just short of death threats this time.  She rolled her eyes...maybe she shouldn't rely on it.  He could get out of anything as far as the professor was concerned. 

She glanced at the clock again, noting that he was now seventeen minutes late.  She wouldn't mind so much, except that now he was wasting her time.  Just as she was considering simply getting up and leaving herself, he walked nonchalantly through the doors and looked idly around.  His gaze fell on her and his expression changed to a grimace as he regarded her.  He made no move to hurry his steps as he approached.  She narrowed her eyes at him slightly as he dropped his books on the table with an insolent thud.  He raised his dark brows at her and said flippantly,

"I should have known you'd be early, Evans.  How predictable."

She glared openly at him now as she replied, "I'm _not early...I was simply here on time.  _You_ are late."_

He shrugged his shoulders, not even bothering to act surprised, and said quite insincerely, "Hmm...lost track of time."

She heaved a great sigh inwardly, but kept her expression completely blank as he sat down and began fiddling with his things.  He didn't say anything else, and she wondered when he was going to get down to it.  After about five more minutes of this, she asked,

"Well?"

He looked up and eyed her unpleasantly.

"Well what?"

She frowned and clarified as though she was talking to a three year-old, "Your notes? Shouldn't we start?"

He quirked an eyebrow at her and replied, "Is there some reason why we should have to communicate, here?  I'd prefer if we just did our separate halves, and then got away from each other."

She felt her blood boil at the implication that speaking with her was the worst thing imaginable as far as he was concerned – as if he was a picnic to be around.  She grew even angrier at the realization that the only reason she hadn't been working on it beforehand was because she had been waiting for this meeting...and then waiting for him to show up at this meeting.  Expelling a breath, she decided she'd simply have to do it as she'd always done it...after all, what did he know?

Relieved to some extent that she could still work on her own, even if he was sitting directly across from her, she started jotting down some notes.  After about an hour of the both of them sitting in silence, he closed his parchment and stood. She glanced up, and he didn't look back at her as he gathered his things.  Before she could ask him anything, he walked away, calling sarcastically over his shoulder as he left,

"It's been fun, Evans."

She glared at his back as he strode away, and thought to herself how good it would feel to plunge a dagger right between his shoulder blades.  Smiling slightly, as that thought made her feel morbidly better, she settled back in to finish up before she, too, gathered her things together and went back to the Tower.  If this was how it was going to be, that was perfectly fine with her.  The less talking they had to do with one another, the better.

Climbing through the portrait hole a few moments later, she was surprised to find that Helen and Arabella were nowhere to be found.  Frowning slightly, she decided they must be in the dorm for some reason and headed up the stairs.  As she got closer to the end of the hall, she could hear a ruckus going on in the fourth-year dorms.  Just as she was about to knock on the door, it flew open to reveal Arabella, her wavy black hair pulled back and her eyes flashing, making her look even more dramatic than usual.

"Lily, thank Merlin!  I was just about to come find you!" she exclaimed, grabbing Lily's wrist and pulling her inside.

"What is it?" Lily asked, concerned, as she glanced around the room and found Helen standing in the corner with four very distraught-looking girls, "What happened?"

"Oh, we've got a problem," Arabella said, a tinge of humor in her voice that only Lily could detect, "The fifth-years were trying to play around with hair charms, and...well..."

"It went horribly wrong!" one of the younger girls interrupted tearfully.  Lily raised her eyebrows and set her books down on someone's bed as she walked over to where they were all standing.  They looked like they had just seen something horrible, huddled in the corner as they were.

"Well, what's the...oh.  Oh, dear."

As she got closer to the group, she began to smell something funny...and soon realized that the poor girls had burned off quite a bit of their hair.  Struggling not to smile, Lily asked, "What charms did you try to use?"

"They aren't  sure," Helen replied, lifting a singed section of brown hair on one girl's head to inspect it, "It all got out of hand, and then...well, no one remembers exactly what they did.  They were frantic by the time they came to get us."

Lily stepped up behind one of the other girls and took a handful of her hair...it looked worse than it actually was, she could already tell.   She glanced up to look at the girl in the mirror and, catching her eye, the girl sniffed,

"Can you help, Lily?"

Lily smiled warmly at the girl's reflection and replied, "Of course...it's really not all that bad.  Honestly."

She could practically feel the relief that was washing over the fourth-years' faces, and as Lily pulled out her wand Helen commented cheerfully, "You see?  I told you she'd be able to fix it...Lily's wonderful with charms."

"Yeah," Arabella chimed in, sitting down heavily on one of the beds, "I don't know why we didn't just get her in the first place."

"Well," Lily answered, trying to think of what charm would work best as she combed her fingers gently through the first girl's hair, "I was in a meeting, anyway."

"Oh, I forgot," Bella said sarcastically, "Your Wednesday night torture session."

"Shh," Lily reprimanded, thinking that the younger girls didn't need to hear this, "I'm thinking."

Arabella closed her mouth, but didn't wipe the frown off her face.  A fourth-year Lily recognized as Genevieve Townsend came to sit next to her friend, on whom Lily was currently working, and asked, "Why _do_ you and James Potter hate each other?"

Lily shrugged and replied vaguely, "Oh, I don't know that we _hate_ each other.  We just don't see things the same way." 

Arabella snorted, and Lily shot her a look as Genevieve went on, "But you're both so nice.  I just don't get it."

Helen saved Lily the trouble of answering and said diplomatically, "Well, even nice people have their differences.  You know how it is."

Arabella smiled mischeviously and added, "Sure...plus the fact that Lily's about the only girl in the school who doesn't want him to take her to the north tower balcony." 

"Bella!" Lily reprimanded laughingly, nearly missing her mark as she jarred her wand, "Stop it!  You're so ridiculous."

The north tower balcony was huge and hard to get to, which made it an ideal place for couples to go to be alone.  Everyone knew about it, and it was the subject of many jokes and a lot of bawdy conversations.  The girls all giggled, and Genevieve replied,

"It's probably true."

Her friend, who Lily later learned was called Rachel, added, "Yeah...all the boys think you're pretty, Lily."

Lily blushed slightly and admonished softly, "Oh, come off it...and stop moving your head!"

"Well, can you blame them?" Arabella said, flopping onto her stomach and eyeing Lily with sparkling eyes, "You're one of the most underrated witches in the school when it comes to looks, you know.  It must irk him that you wouldn't give him the time of day, should he ever ask."

Lily rolled her eyes at Arabella, but she was smiling just the same as she replied, "I don't give it much thought, and I can assure you all that James Potter gives it even less thought than I do."

"Oh, I don't know about that," Bella countered despite Lily's warning look, "Seems to me that he thinks about it pretty often."

"What?" Lily asked incredulously.

"Well," she continued, "He spends a good amount of time on the north tower balcony."

There was another chorus of laughter, and Lily shook her head.  This was probably the most ridiculous conversation they had ever had, and it was unfortunate that they were having it in front of the fourth-year girls.  

"Arabella, I promise you...I will never end up in the north tower balcony with ANYONE," she said pointedly, mostly for the benefit of the impressionable fourth-years who were hanging on their every word.  She didn't want all of _them to end up there one day.  "Now can we please drop the subject?"_

Arabella smirked at her, and raised her eyebrows as she replied, "Alright...alright.  I guess I don't blame you."

"But he _is_ handsome," Olivia, who had just taken her friend's place in front of Lily, remarked with a certain dreamy quality to her voice that made Lily's stomach churn.  Why did they all have to get like this when speaking of him…sometimes it DID seem to her as though she and her friends were the only girls in school that _didn't have that reaction._

"Handsome isn't everything," Bella countered, rolling onto her back now.  Lily shook her head and said,

"Okay, enough talking about him.  Let's talk instead about what you girls want us to do with your hair once it's all back the way it was."

"You're gonna do our hair?" the last girl, Eve, asked excitedly.

"Sure!" Helen replied, taking out her own wand, her dark eyes lighting up, "Why not?  You've had such a scare, it's only fair."

They spent the next few hours with the girls, experimenting with different charms and such for hair and facial enhancements.  The makeup charms were something Lily was reluctant to show them, as it would be a much worse problem were these girls to burn their faces one night instead of simply their hair, but in the end she relented.  She and her friends taught them a few correct charms for hair, and after a few hours they left for their own dorm.  Once there, Lily pulled out a letter she had gotten earlier that day from her mother and finished it.

"What's your Mum have to say, Lil?" Arabella asked as she stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair.  Lily smiled...Arabella had always liked her parents, and vice versa.  They had spent a couple of summers together since their first year, and living in each other's houses had made them practically a part of each other's families.

"Oh," Lily replied cheerfully, "She just wrote to tell me that Dad tried to fix the kitchen sink on his own the other day."

Arabella smirked at this, and Helen giggled.  It was well known that her father was not any kind of handyman, and usually fouled up anything that he was trying to repair.  

"Need I even ask what happened?" Bella commented wryly, and Lily replied,

"No...you can imagine, I'm sure.  He ended up very wet...and he shorted out the refrigerator, so now it won't work, either.  All our ice cream is melting and the milk is going bad."

Helen and Arabella burst out laughing at the image, and after the hilarity had died down, Lily added mischeviously, "And...because of an incident with a certain wayward jet of water coming from the newly-created hole in the wall, the cat won't go within ten yards of him."

Another fit of giggles ensued, and Helen gasped, "I'll bet your mother's so brassed off at him!"

Lily chuckled and confirmed, "Well, this letter was to inform me of their impending seperation...but I get one of those every week, so I should think it'll blow over in a few days."

Later, after she had written her Mum back and struggled with her usual bout of homesickness that always hit when she received a letter from home, she she took an extra look at herself in the mirror as she put on her nightdress.  Arabella was right...she wasn't plain.  Unlike the other girls, she didn't wear any makeup on a daily basis and didn't fuss too much with her hair...but she supposed her features stood out to an extent on their own.  Especially her eyes, she thought, leaning in a bit closer.  She had always hated her red hair, but had at the same time been secretly proud of her bright green eyes.  They were surely her best feature.

Smiling a little at her rare display of vanity, she pulled her hair back out of her face and climbed into bed.  

As the weeks went by, the forced accociation between herself and Potter grew more and more strained.  It was true that they had always been made to work together to some extent, but now they were no longer able to get their frustrations out in their regular venting.  They had to hold everything in as long as people were around, and usually that meant it all came out tenfold when they were in private.  Lily had gotten to the point now where she could barely stand to look at him without wanting to scratch his eyes out, and she imagined he felt much of the same towards her.  She said as much to Arabella in the common room one night as they were studying.

"Well, why _don't_ you scratch his eyes out?" Arabella suggested, rather unhelpfully.  Lily rolled her eyes without looking up from her book and replied,

"That's really good, Bella.  I'm so glad you're here to give me advice on these matters."

Arabella laughed lightly, and they went back to studying, having exhausted their means of conversation for the moment.  Not more than three minutes later, the portrait hole opened and a few sixth year girls came walking through.  Arabella looked up, frowned, and then slammed her book shut as she asked,

"Where's Cindy?"

Lily glanced at the group of girls, who eyed her nervously.  They must think I'm going to take points if they tell, Lily thought with an inward smile.  After a moment, Vivian cleared her throat and answered, "She's not here."

"Yeah," Arabella replied sarcastically, "I can see that much.  What I'm asking is...where _is she, if she's not with you lot?"_

Lily, having grown bored with the conversation, turned her attention back to her book.  The girls, apparently deciding that she was not dangerous at the moment, giggled a bit to each other and one of them said, "She's...indisposed."

"Doing what?" Arabella asked with no little amount of impatience.  Lily looked up at her, wondering what this was all about.  Who cared where Cindy Manning was right now...she hadn't even known Arabella ever spoke to the girl.

"You know already, don't you?" Vivian replied suggestively.  Arabella frowned deeper as she turned to Lily and whispered, 

"Yeah, right...I don't believe it.  Come on, we have to go do something."

"What?" Lily demanded as Bella grabbed her wrist and practically hoisted her to her feet as the other girls walked up the stairs to the dorm.  After stubbing her toe on the leg of the table as she got dragged to the portrait hole, Lily pulled out of Bella's grasp and asked, grimacing,

"What in the world is going on?  Where are we going?"

Arabella looked back at her almost impatiently and said, "We're going to the north tower balcony."

"What!?" Lily exclaimed, stepping back, "Why?"

"Because," Bella explained almost desperately, "We have to see if Cindy Manning is up there."

"Who cares if she is?" Lily asked, irked.

Bella turned to her with an eyebrow raised and replied, "I should think you would...I mean, you're Head Girl."

"Oh," Lily muttered dismissively, waving a hand in the air, "We only raid that place when McGonagall tells us to.  You think I really _care what these people do up there?"_

"Don't you?"

"No...in fact, I think I'd rather not know, so if you don't mind..."

"I NEED to go up there!" Bella almost whined, grabbing Lily's wrist again, "I made a bet with Cindy earlier that she couldn't get Ted Hawk up there tonight with her...and I don't believe she's really there.  I think her friends are lying."

Lily stared at Bella and then shook her head incredulously as she replied, "You're the most ridiculous person I have ever met.  Why would you do a thing like that?"  
            Bella nodded as if to confirm her stupidity as she explained, "I don't know, alright?  It just came up somehow...and well, I can't go up there alone."

"Why not?"  
            "Because, you idiot!  No one goes up there by _themselves!"_

"Bella!" Lily exclaimed loudly, "I hardly think that having ME there makes it any less pathetic!  Actually, I think you'd be better off alone."

"Anyway," Bella said, ignoring her, "I need an excuse to be up there, in case I get caught.  Come on, please?  We'll just take a small peek."

Lily rolled her eyes so high she thought they might pop out of her head, but she nevertheless followed Bella out the portrait hole and down the corridors to the balcony in question.  

"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this."

"Oh, come on," Bella said, smiling mischeviously, "Who knows what we might see up there?"

"That's what's got me worried," Lily smiled back reluctantly.  They made their way through the passages and down the dark hallways that led to the elusive north tower, and Lily thought she might die laughing once she got halfway there.  

"Or maybe," Arabella was saying, "We'll see Professor Binns and the Grey Lady!"

Lily failed in her attempt to stifle her fit of giggles, and the sound reverberated through the deserted corridor.  She slapped a hand over her mouth and glanced at Arabella through watery eyes, finding her just as hard-pressed to hold in her own laughter.

"Bella," she said when she could breathe again, "Would you stop it?  What if we get caught coming up here?"

Bella grinned and replied, "Then a whole lot of people are going to get the wrong impression."

They didn't try to restrain themselves this time...they found that it actually ended up being louder if they did.  After what seemed like a million years, they approached the doorway leading to the balcony holding their laughter-sore stomachs.  There was no door, so Arabella peeked cautiously around the corner and looked this way and that.  She then turned back to Lily and beckoned her forward.

"No one on this side...we have to go all the way around."

"Why?" Lily asked, suddenly very unsure about all this, "Can't you just..."

"No!" she whispered vehemently, "Come on, now!  You promised."

Lily followed, even though she was pretty sure she hadn't promised anything.  Even though they had been laughing about it a minute ago, she was suddenly worried about what she might see up here.  Every other time she'd been here, she had been instructed by McGonagall to do her duty as Head Girl...now, she didn't have an excuse, and it was somehow making her feel guilty.  As though she had no business being here.

"Bella...just find her and let's get out of here.  This feels wrong."

"Oh, she won't be here...trust me.  And anyway, what do you mean this feels wrong?  I promise you that of all the people who have ever come up here, we have the purest intentions."

"Yes, but..."

"Ha!" Bella interrupted, her eyes alight with triumph as she rounded the last bend in the huge wraparound balcony, "I KNEW it.  I knew she wouldn't be here...that little sneak.  I wonder where she _really is...hiding in a classroom somewhere?"_

"Well, you'll find out tomorrow.  Now come on..."

But before Lily could finish, they heard giggling coming from the corridor beyond the doorway.  Looking at each other with wide eyes, they both had the same idea.  Diving behind the nearest stone sculpture – which just so happened to be of Cupid – they huddled up to make sure they were completely out of view of the approaching couple.

"Why did we DO this?" Lily whispered frantically to Bella as the giggling grew louder, "We should have just pretended I WAS clearing the place out!"

"Well," Bella said, casting a rueful glance at the wall beside them, which was almost completely covered with carvings of various names-within-hearts, "It's too late now.  We just have to stay here until they leave...but hopefully, they'll go to the other side."

It was not to be.  The couple stopped almost directly across from where they were sitting...and Lily thanked the Lord it was a huge area, otherwise they would have been spotted for sure.  As it was, from what they could deduce by listening to them, they were a good twenty-five feet away from the culprits.  Lily cast a frustrated look at Bella, who shrugged in return.  They each scooted further back against the wall, resigned to something of a wait.  The girl, whoever she was, giggled yet again.  Bella rolled her eyes.

"What kind of loose girl comes up here with a boy?  I mean, _really."_

Lily smiled and pointed at the wall beside them.  "THOSE girls did, apparently."

They scanned the wall for a few minutes, looking unsuccessfully for names they knew and trying not to listen to the unmistakable sounds of kissing coming from the couple on the other side of the balcony.  They couldn't make any sudden movements, as the half-moon was particularly bright this evening and the people might catch their shadows.

"They aren't much for talking, are they?" Bella remarked, shifting her eyes suggestively in the direction of the duo.  Lily stifled a chuckle and replied,

"This isn't where people come to _talk."_

Bella grinned and they fell silent again, staring up at the stars.  All things considered, it was actually a very lovely evening.

"Stop...stop it!" the girl admonished playfully, causing Lily and Arabella to stick their fingers in their throats and almost lose it laughing again.  They couldn't make out the response of the boy...it was muffled.

"Mr. _Potter_...don't be fresh," came the girl's coy voice again, and Lily felt her eyes nearly pop out of her head.  Arabella threw her hand over her mouth and slammed her eyes shut in a violent struggle not to burst into hysterical laughter.  Lily could feel her stomach churn...this was absolutely disgusting, not to mention thoroughly unfair.  Of all the people she could have been stuck up here listening to, it HAD to be him.

"I don't believe it!" Bella finally whispered, her voice shaking with mirth.

"Neither do I," Lily said sourly, although she couldn't help smiling with her friend, "I must have the worst luck in the universe."

"I wonder who _she_ is?" Bella frowned, craning her neck to look over the statue's bent knee.

"Careful, you ninny!" Lily hissed as she tugged on Arabella's sleeve. 

"Oh, I might have known," Bella muttered, landing back on her rear end with a thump, "It's that little Ravenclaw tramp...you know, the one with the fake hair."

"Who?" Lily asked, sincerely confused.

"YOU know...the prefect.  Camilla, or whatever.  The one who enhances her hair with her wand every morning and ends up looking like rats nest in her pillow at night."

Lily thought hard, running through the Ravenclaw prefects in her mind, and finally coming up with a name.  "Oh...Carmelina Thompson?"

"Yes...what kind of a name is that, anyway?  He must have broken it off with Anne Ball _again_." Bella scoffed, glaring at the statue beside them as though she could see clear through it.  Lily frowned and remarked,

"Oh, yeah...why do I feel like they'd been together for awhile?" 

Bella shook her head and replied, "It's not as long as you think...they're on and off all the time, since fifth year.  He always ends up back with her eventually...as soon as he's done with Carmelina, he and Anne'll be back up here."

Lily made a face and said,  "Yuck...he's using HER as a distraction?" She inclined her head in Carmelina's direction and said, "I guess I wouldn't put it past _him_."

Arabella smirked and replied, "He's not as bad as his pig friend...that Black.  The pair of them have probably had every girl currently enrolled in Hogwarts up here at one time or another."

Lily blinked innocently at her and asked, "Why are you limiting it to _currently_ enrolled girls?"

Bella worked to hold in a laugh, and then replied, eyes sparkling with humor, "For that matter...why am I limiting it to currently enrolled _girls_?"

They fell on each other, straining to keep silent while gasping for air.  It didn't seem as though their unwitting companions were listening, however.  Lily rolled her eyes and winced as the noises coming from beyond the statue grew slightly louder and more urgent.

"Seriously, though," Bella whispered, her face now reflecting pensiveness as she jerked her thumb in Potter's general direction, "I think that, of the two of them, _he's_ probably worse."

"How so?" Lily asked.

"Well, at least Black doesn't put on any airs.  He's only in it for one thing, and everyone knows it.  Potter...well, he gets his kick out of charming girls."

"Oh?" Lily asked, not really listening all that well.  She was trying to see if there was any other way they could leave without being spotted...and it didn't look good.

"Yeah," Bella replied, now using her wand to scratch onto the stone wall, "I mean, he actually makes them like him.  Then, when he decides he's had enough and wants to move on to the next victim...or go back to his semi-steady girlfriend...he leaves a broken heart behind."

"Well," Lily replied flippantly, "Anne's no innocent either...she has her pick of boys.  And anyway, any girl who's stupid enough to date THAT jerk deserves to have her heart broken...shhh!  What are you doing?"

Bella stopped scratching the wall with a self-satisfied smile, and when Lily leaned in to look at what she had been doing she was torn between laughter and horror.  There, carved in the rock, was, "Lily Evans & Arabella Figg Were Here".

"Bella!" Lily admonished softly, but Arabella couldn't answer...she was laughing too hard. "What do you think you're doing!?  What are people going to think!"

"Oh, who's gonna see it?"

"I don't know...someone, somewhere along the line!"

"Come on, Lil," Bella shook her head, "Whoever it is probably won't even know who the hell we are.  It'll be a nice little mystery to wonder about."

"Yeah, whatever you say," Lily replied unenthusiastically.  Bella leaned up again to peek, muttering,

"Oh, just get it over with, already!  How long can it _take?" _

"Shut up, will you?" Lily said, "You're the one that got us into this in the first place.  Helen's probably looking all over the place for us."

"Well, I'll bet you ten galleons she doesn't even THINK to look up here."

Lily sighed, conceeding this, and asked, "Well?  Are they still there?"

Bella sat back down and leaned her head against the wall, replying, "Depends on what you mean by 'there'.  I don't think they're quite here, if that's what you mean.  Looks like they're in a world of their own, if you ask me."

"Okay," Lily clarified, giving Bella a look, "So they're still STANDING there, then?"

Bella nodded and grinned, "I hope they _remain standing, too."_

Lily suddenly felt nauseous and asked, "Is there any reason to believe they won't?  I mean...what's going on out there?"

Bella smiled evilly and replied, "Why don't you look for yourself?"

Lily smiled and shook her head as she declared laughingly, "I don't think I will, thanks."

Arabella laughed softly and answered, "It looks like it's getting a bit heavy.  Honestly...what a little hussy."

"Well," Lily replied, "It's HIS crime as much as it is hers.  I mean, _really...he's Head Boy!  THIS is the example he sets?"_

"I know."

"And with a PREFECT no less.  I mean," Lily continued, suddenly angry, "THIS is why I get so frustrated.  This is a perfect example of why I don't respect him in the least."

"Lily," Bella shushed, causing Lily to clamp her mouth shut.  She had been getting a trifle loud.  Suddenly, they heard James voice say huskily,

"What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything," came the breathy response.  Lily and Arabella wrinkled their noses at each other and smiled again...it was actually very funny.  Bella straightened up a bit and continued,

"You don't have to convince _me, you know.  I agree with everything you say regarding him.  I really do...and I don't think I'm the only one."_

"Oh, come on...everyone's on his side."

"That's not true," Bella objected quietly, "I think you exaggerate your disadvantage.  They may not hate him like you do, but there are plenty of students who know very well that you're the one who gets the job done, and respect you for it."

Lily nodded, not sure whether or not Bella was only saying this to make her feel better.  Still, she had a point.

"James...we should stop," came the voice of Carmelina, sounding rather winded.

"Mmm..." he replied.  Lily shuddered...this was her punishment for coming up here in the first place.

"_James_...come on.  We can't go further."

"We can't?" he replied, a smile evident in his voice.

"Not _tonight_," she replied, her tone laden with implication.  Bella banged her head against the wall and rolled her eyes back into her head while Lily tried not to giggle.

"We have to get back...come on.  I promise, we'll come back later."

He didn't say anything more, but they could hear the rustle of robes being righted and the sounds of kissing once again.

"Come ON, already!" Bella said again, "You're making me sick!"

As though they had heard her, James and Carmelina walked to the door and back into the castle, their footsteps receeding as they went.  Bella leaned up cautiously to make sure they were gone before standing up completely, her knees cracking.

"Good Lord!" Bella exclaimed, rubbing her backside, "I thought they'd _never_ leave!"  
            "I know, but let's stay here a minute just to make sure we don't run into them in the corridors on the way back."

Bella quirked an eyebrow at her and said, "Don't get any ideas, Lily...I'm not one of those girls."

Lily glanced up at her, and all at once they both burst into hysterical laughter.  They laughed until they were both gasping for air, and then some.  By the time they got back to their dorm, they were both so exhausted they couldn't even explain to a very irate Helen where they'd been.  Promising they'd tell her in the morning, they went to bed...and Lily was comfortable in the strange feeling that she somehow had an advantage over James Potter.  She knew something he didn't.

As silly as it was, it lent her some sort of small confidence.

The following Wednesday, as she waited for him in the library for their weekly meeting, she was still thinking about something that had been on her mind for ages. He came in and sat down, and she bit back the urge to laugh as she thought about the last time she had seen him...or rather, _heard_ him.  She decided this might be a bad idea, however, and so she didn't waste any more time.

"I have to talk to you about something."

He glanced up at her and sighed, annoyed, "I can't tell you how shocked I am.  Well, what now?"

She rolled her eyes and replied, "Look, I wasn't going to bring this up, but it really has gotten out of hand.  I think we should enforce some kind of rule about moving the furniture around in the common room."

He leaned his head back and expelled a breath, groaning, "Bloody hell, Evans..."

She slammed her book shut and whispered fiercely, "Don't swear at me!  I'm serious, it's getting ridiculous...when I walked in last night, ALL of the chairs were on the other side of the room."

He leaned forward in his chair now and retorted, "Yeah, you know who did that?  Me.  Me and my friends...and now I'd like to know what the big bloody deal is."

She narrowed her eyes and couldn't help letting her voice get a bit louder, even as she struggled not to let Mrs. Hoodwinkle overhear.  "It looks terrible, and it only inconveniences other people.  If you MUST move the furniture around, you should at least have the courtesy to put it back."

He opened his mouth to say something, but she wasn't finished.  Cutting of his response, she said, "And I do not appreciate your cursing so much at me.  For that matter, you use words like that entirely too much in front of the younger students."

He looked puzzled for a moment, then smirked and said, "This isn't cursing, Evans.  You wanna hear cursing?  I'd be happy to..."

"No, thank you.  Just quit it."

He leaned back and ran his hands roughly through his jet black hair.  Sighing a bit more loudly than she would have liked, he snarled in a sudden and unexpected burst of frustration,  "Dammit, you're driving me _mental_!  You _need_ to lighten up!"

She replied, "Don't tell me what I need.  I'm just trying to..."

"Get me arrested for committing murder...which is what's gonna happen if you don't leave me the hell alone about all this stupid, senseless stuff!"

She dropped her pencil and leaned further over the table, replying angrily, "It's your JOB to worry about this "senseless stuff", haven't you LEARNED that by now?  For God's sake, I..."

"Didn't you hear what I said?" he asked harshly, "I said lighten up.  For the sake of everyone's sanity, PLEASE...just stop talking."

She had had enough.  Without another word, she shoved her book into her bag and grabbed the rest of her papers.  Standing up, she regarded him with barely concealed contempt and, shooting a glance in Mrs. Hoodwinkle's direction to make sure she wasn't taking note of all this, she said, "You want me to stop talking, eh?  Okay, fine...you got your wish.  I'm leaving...let's see what you make of doing all the work YOURSELF for once."

She went to walk past him and out of the library when he said on a low, assured voice, "You can't.  What about McGonagall?"

She looked back at him, one eyebrow raised.  Truth be told, if felt really good walking out on _him_ for once.  "Oh...I doubt she'll know."  

With that, she turned on her heel and walked out without a backward glance.

Upon leaving the library, Lily felt none of the self-assurance she would have assumed she'd feel after having given Potter a taste of his own medicine.  Instead, she found herself with an uneasy stomach and a spinning head.  The rush she had felt when she decided to leave had quickly drained away, leaving in its wake insecurity and doubt.  Deciding she didn't want to return to the common room to face the questions of her friends, she opted instead to take a walk around the school.  She wanted time to herself to sort things out.

As much as she denied to herself and others that her rivalry with James bothered her,  the truth was that it did.  It caused her an immense amount of stress, and she thought about it often even when she wasn't around him.  She could barely remember what had started the whole thing in the first place...she supposed it had been that incident in fifth year with the fire, but she knew it had truly begun long before that.  There had been little things, indications that they simply had clashing personalities, but in their first few years at Hogwarts they had been too young to fully realize the extent of their differences.  She supposed it was merely because they hadn't spoken much early on, so there weren't many opportunities.  

Why was it that no matter what he said or did to her, she was still able to feel guilty for walking out on him in the library?

Just as she was about to turn around and walk back to the common room, the door to the classroom to her right opened and Albert Walker, a sixth-year Hufflepuff, emerged with a girl Lily did not quite recognize.  He froze when he saw Lily, and she smiled wryly at him in return.

"Oh, Albert," she lamented playfully, "Why must you have such bad timing?"

He smiled, defeated, and said, "You're gonna take points, aren't you?"

She nodded regretfully and said, "Yeah...sorry.  But it's only five each, so you'll be alright.  Just do something really good tomorrow so a professor will give them back."

Albert sighed and nodded, casting a glance at his girlfriend, who was blushing furiously.  Lily smiled at her, and this seemed to put the girl at ease a bit as she smiled shyly back.  Finally, Albert said, "Well, I guess we'd better get back, then.  See you, Lily."

Lily bid them farewell and resumed her walk back to the Gryffindor common room.  She found it empty except for Arabella sitting alone by the fire when she walked in, and asked curiously where Helen was.  

"She's gone to bed already," Bella replied, shutting the book she had been flipping through, "I guess she didn't feel well.  I said I'd go with her to the hospital wing tomorrow if she wasn't better."

Lily nodded and sat down across from her friend.  "Did you see Potter come through here?"

Arabella sighed and replied, "Yeah...he came through earlier, but then he and his ghastly friends left."

Lily frowned and glanced at her watch...it was nearly ten o'clock.  "Where could they have gone?"

"Why?" Arabella asked, setting the newspaper she had been reading aside, "Did something happen?"

Lily sighed and stared into the fire for a moment before replying, "No...well, yes.  It wasn't anything unusual, just another stupid argument."

Bella tutted and said, "Instigated by the golden boy himself, no doubt."

Lily bit her lip and confessed, "I walked out on him."

Arabella's eyes lit up in something akin to surprised pride and she replied, "Well...good.  He probably deserved it."

Lily looked thoughtfully up at her friend and said honestly, "I'm not so sure about that anymore.  I mean, I can't be totally blameless in all this, can I?"

"What do you mean?" Bella asked, frowning.

"Well," Lily clarified, knowing this was the complete opposite of what she would have said had they had this conversation two hours ago, "Remember what Genevieve Townsend said that night...the night we were in there fixing their hair?  She was right...no one else in the school hates James Potter. In fact, he's...very popular."

There was a small silence as they contemplated this, and then Arabella asked, "So what?  _You_ don't like him, and that's all there is to it."

"But I don't really know him, do I?  And he...he doesn't know me."

Arabella leaned forward in her chair, a confused expression on her face as she pressed, "I don't understand what you're getting at...what's _really_ bothering you?  Just say it."

Lily shrugged in exasperation and replied, "I don't know.  I've just been thinking that maybe...maybe I should try and fix things."

"Fix things?"

"Yeah," she finished, tucking her hair behind her ears, "You know...so that we can get along better than we have been."

Arabella leaned back, expelling a breath as she did, and then said, "I know what's gotten to you.  I knew it would happen sooner or later."

Lily's brow furrowed as she cast a sideways glance at Bella and asked, "What?"

Arabella looked her in the eye and replied, "You can't stand being despised."

"What?" Lily asked again, thrown off.  Arabella ran her hands through her hair and shook her head.

"Lily, it's obvious...well, at least to me.  No one hates _you.  You've never been truly hated in your life..."_

"That's not true," she interrupted, leaning forward excitedly and pointing a finger as though she were defending herself, "My sister hates me."

"That doesn't count," Bella waved her hand.

"Whyever not?" Lily asked indignantly.

"Because," Bella said matter of factly, "Your sister, at least, has a reason behind her feelings...as ridiculous and prejudiced as it may be.  James Potter has no idea what you're really like...and it irks you that he hates you anyway."

Lily was about to open her mouth to veto this theory, but then sat back as she gave it more thought.  It was true to some extent...it did bother her that James hated her when he didn't truly know her as a person.  However, that couldn't be all there was to it...there was something else.  After a few moments of sitting in silence with Arabella, the answer dawned on her.

"You know what bothers me the most, though?" she said, talking in a low voice as if she were about to tell a secret.  Bella looked at her with raised eyebrows encouraging her to continue, and she went on, "It bothers me that what you're saying is true...I do hate to be hated.  But it's not just that...most of all, I can't stand that it makes a difference to me but not at all to him."

Bella frowned and asked, "What do you mean?"

Lily squinted, thinking about how she could explain this, and finally replied, "The fact that he hates me bothers _me...but he could care less what I think of _him_.  Does that make sense?"_

Arabella turned her gaze back to the fire and, after another moment, nodded.  "Yes...it actually does, knowing what I know of you.  You've always cared about what people think of you."

Lily began to protest, "That's not..."

"What I mean is," Bella clarified, "Not that you're dependant on other people's opinions to define the way you are, but...you always did want everyone to think you were a good person.  Someone they could go to in a crisis, and all that.  It was always important to you...even before you became Head Girl."

Lily didn't say anything...she didn't know what to say.  It wasn't often that Bella got this serious in a conversation...she didn't often need to.  After a moment, she went on, "The fact that Potter doesn't care what you think of him implies that he doesn't respect your opinion...and he's made this clear more than once, anyway."

"Yes, but why should I care about that?  I mean...why should I care if I dislike him anyway?"

"Because," Bella replied, "His opinion influences others one way or another...and because you don't deserve the hard criticism he gives you."

"Sometimes I do...I can be hard to work with," Lily said, unable to believe she was actually defending him.  Bella smirked slightly, catching this, and continued.

"You hold yourself up to the same standards you set for others, though...you're anything _but_ a hypocrite, Lily."

Lily shrugged, slightly embarrased by her friend's praise.  Arabella seemed to realize this, because just as Lily was wondering how to respond, she said with finality, "If it's that important to you, then I think you should do it.  Just approach him about it, and if he's really as nice as people say he is with everyone but you...then he should also want to work things out."

Lily nodded in agreement, relieved that she had someone to back her up, and the two of them got to talking about the upcoming summer.  They made plans to spend the summer together, splitting their time between their two houses...Arabella was full-blooded, and Lily was Muggle-born, so visiting with each others'  families was always an interesing prospect.  Helen would be invited too, of course, but she would probably be travelling with her family abroad, as usual.  After about forty-five minutes, the portrait hole swung open and in strode James and his friends, talking and laughing rather loudly.  They didn't even look in their direction as they turned toward the stairs, and Lily jumped up.

"Sorry...James?"

He didn't turn, but merely kept walking and talking to Sirius.  She felt Arabella nudge her in the back, and so she called again, "James?"

This time he stopped, but when he turned to look at her it was with an expression of such pure contempt that she felt her confidence withering as she walked a bit closer to where he was standing. 

"What?" he bit out.

She lifted her chin a bit and forced herself not to wring her hands in nervousness as she felt the distinctive pressure starting in her chest.  It was almost like stage fright, and she only got in when she was forced to come up with something clever or appropriate to say on the spot.  She wished she was better at this, but now was not the time to start thinking along those lines.

"I wondered if I could talk to you for a minute," she said in what was perhaps the softest tone she had ever used with him.  She hoped her voice hadn't shaken when she'd said it.  He eyed her insolently for a second, and then turned to his friends and muttered,

"Come on."

She felt the heat rise unexpectedly to her face as her jaw dropped...surely he wasn't going to leave her standing there?  "James!"

He stopped once again and turned around, a look of extreme impatience furrowing his brow.  He didn't reply, but merely stood there waiting, and so she said, "It'll only take a minute.  Please?"

He let out a dry laugh and replied condescendingly, "Well, you had the chance to talk to me before, and you bloody well didn't take advantage of the opportunity, did you?  I think we'll just leave it at that, Evans."

He turned again to proceed up the stairs, and Lily was just drawing a breath to let him have a piece of her mind when she felt a hand on her arm...it was Arabella.  Lily had almost forgotten she was sitting there, and now she was regarding the four of them with an extremely cold look on her face.

"Forget it, Lil," she said loudly, causing the boys to glance over their shoulders one last time, "You tried.  I guess we know now that you are simply the bigger person."

Arabella was about to lead Lily up the stairs to the girl's dormitories when Sirius Black turned and, with a suggestiveness evident in his tone, said in a low voice, "Oh, I dunno...I think _you're bigger than __she is, Figg.  In certain...areas, at least."_

Black was leering at Arabella, and Lily felt her stomach drop to her feet as Potter gave a short laugh and smiled smugly at his friend in response.  _Never had they stooped to making these kinds of comments to her before...and although she knew it had been directed at Arabella, she had indirectly caught the tail-end of it.  In fact...the implication was worse for __her.  She glanced at Arabella, and she didn't think she'd ever seen her looking so furious.  Her eyes were narrowed dangerously, her cheeks flushed, and her chin was so high she was almost looking down her nose at Black._

"What did you say, Black?" she asked in a deceptively calm voice.  Lily saw all at once that this could be very ugly, and placed a hand on Bella's sleeve to forstall an outburst.

"Bella..."

"Did I say something?" Black was asking James, who replied promptly,

"Naw...I didn't hear anything."

They both started to laugh, and suddenly Remus Lupin stepped forward.  "Come on," he said simply to them, and they each shot one last look at Lily and Arabella before turning and following a blank-faced Remus up to their dorm.  The minute they were out of sight, Bella stated in a low voice,

"That was the most immature, piggish thing I've ever heard in my life."

Lily was inclined to agree, but didn't want to egg Bella on and so instead replied, "Yeah...well, they are just boys.  It's only typical."

Arabella snorted and replied, "Not BOYS...young MEN.  They are on the outside, anyway...they're _acting_ like twelve year-olds.  Stupid, boorish, disgusting..."

"Well...let's just forget it, okay?"

Bella turned to look at Lily incredulously as they went up the stairs and said, "You can't mean that...you can't mean you're EXCUSING..."

"No, no," Lily reassured her, propelling her gently through the door to the dorms, "I'm just saying that you shouldn't take it personally sometimes."

"That," Arabella said, "Was VERY personal.  It was way out of line...and I think you should report it to McGonagall."

Lily rolled her eyes and said, "No...that's all I need."

"Lily...have you really been insulted so often by that git that you aren't even _affected_ by this?"

"Look, Bella," she said with finality, too tired and put out to continue the conversation, "The fact is, I DID walk out on him today.  I started it this time."

"But..."

"And," she went on in a whisper, refusing to be interrupted as she dressed for bed, "I think I should just accept the fact that it's much too late to fix anything now.  We hate each other, and that's that...it's gone on for too long and too many words have been exchanged."

Bella didn't seem happy with it, but she thankfully didn't press any further as they got into bed.  As she drifted to sleep, however, Lily couldn't help cringing at what Black had said.  She knew it was a comment that had been made simply to stir things up, and that it didn't hold any meaning...but it somehow hurt all the same.  She decided that this was something she simply couldn't stand for...it went against everything she had ever been taught, everything she had ever learned about herself...her entire code of ethics.  Bella was right...they had crossed a line tonight, and she couldn't let the thick skin she had developed when it came to Potter blind her to what was right and what was absolutely wrong. 

Perhaps it was true that they'd never be able to get along _well, but at least they could come to some kind of understanding...and Lily was going to make sure this sort of thing never happened again.  Rolling over, she resolved to do it tomorrow...no matter what._

** To Be Continued in Chapter Three**

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.hiddentower.50megs.com


	4. Stepping Down

**CHAPTER THREE:  Stepping Down**

"May I have a word with you, please?"

Lily hid her clenched hands behind her back as she stood before an irritated-looking James Potter and his three friends in the Great Hall.  Sirius Black was throwing her an extremely condescending look, Peter Pettigrew looked as though the sight of her made him sick, and Remus Lupin remained perfectly blank.   She supposed she should thank him for that, at least.  James sighed and replied,

"I'm eating."

Normally, this would have made her angry, but she was a girl on a mission.  She had made up her mind the night before to lay down the law with him once and for all, and she wasn't about to let her insecurities get in the way now.  Cringing inwardly at her own word choice, she thought that it was strange that she'd only begun to feel truly insecure around him in recent months...probably just because she'd never had to work with him as closely before.  Pushing the thought from her mind for now, she cleared her throat and said quietly,

"This can't wait, I'm afraid."

He glanced up at her, and although his eyes hadn't lost their sheen of impatience, at least her tone seemed to have gotten his attention.  Setting his fork down on his plate, he stood up and turned to face her.  He was standing very close, looking down at her face.  She wondered if he was actually trying to intimidate her with his size or if she was merely being paranoid in the wake of all this trouble.  He raised his eyebrows expectantly and asked,

"Well?"

She turned and walked purposefully out of the Hall, praying that he'd at least have the decency to follow her and not sit back down.  Pushing open the heavy wooden doors, she was relieved to feel someone behind her holding them open after she let them go.  Walking off to the side, she turned around to look him in the face as she began,

"I wanted to talk to you about...what happened last night."

He raised his dark eyebrows yet again, as though waiting for her to continue.  Grumbling inwardly, she went on, "I think this has all gone a bit too far, don't you?"

"What do you mean?" he asked in mock ignorance.  She stifled a sigh...she was truly tiring of this charade.  Still, she wasn't about to let this spiral into an argument.  She wanted results from this conversation, not more resentment.

"Well," she continued stoically, "First of all, I think it was probably wrong of me to walk out on you in the library."

"_Probably?" he laughed, crossing his arms in front of him._

"It _was wrong, and for that I apologize...but you must understand that it came as a result of all these bad feelings that have been escalating between us for years. What I really wanted to talk to you about, though, was...er, that comment that Sirius Black made before you all went to bed last night.  In the common room."_

He didn't reply, but she could see something flicker in his eyes momentarily.  She didn't know what it was, and she didn't care...she wasn't going to be deterred.

"I didn't think it was appropriate, to tell you the truth.  In fact, I think it was way out of line."

He sighed and uncrossed his arms.  "Come on, Evans...it was just a joke."

"It wasn't funny," she said seriously, causing him to shake his head and reply,

"Why are you talking to me about this?  _I didn't say it."_

She shifted her books impatiently to her other hip and said, "Because you're Head Boy, and you didn't do anything to stop it.  You didn't say anything in mine or Arabella's defense."

He looked her straight in the eye then, and she was a bit taken aback as he started talking. "How can you expect me to defend you?  All you do every time you see me is complain and criticize.  I doubt you've ever said a good word about me in your life...and anyway, I should think you'd be fully capable of standing up for yourself."

She frowned and replied, "Why should I always be the one?  Why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?  For once, couldn't you have just..."

"Oh, don't start with this, please," he said, holding up a hand, "I'm so tired of hearing it I could kill myself.  I can recite the whole thing by heart – I don't take my duties seriously, I don't deserve the badge, and all the rest.  Frankly, I don't believe this was what was going through your mind when you kept quiet last night."

"Oh no?" she replied, not understanding how this conversation could possibly be going like this.  She had assumed she would come out on top, no question...what was happening here?

"No," he said matter-of-factly, "I think you stayed silent because you're afraid of him."

"What!?" she blurted, unable to believe what he was implying.

"Of course," he replied, "I mean, why would you wait for _me to intervene if I'm such an ineffective prat all the time?  Surely you couldn't have actually been __counting on me."_

She blanched and pointed out, "Well, you're certainly proving your point now, aren't you?  I mean, obviously I _can't count on you."_

He nodded and replied shortly, "I guess not.  Are we finished?"

She stared at him for a moment, until she was afraid she might slap the smug look off his face, and then said, "You know, I didn't expect much of you, Potter, but somehow I'm still disappointed."

"Before you go on about how I'm a horrible Head Boy and an awful person, I want to ask you something.  Do you actually get a kick out of getting on people's backs for such little reasons?  I mean, what's in it for you, if not a power rush?"

She sighed and replied, "How many times do I have to say it?  It's my job...it's OUR job.  I don't even think I should have to justify myself to _you_."

He frowned deeply and opened his mouth, but she decided she wasn't going to let him speak for once and went on, "You have some nerve, standing there and acting like you care at all about your duties while simultaneously making me look like a slacker or something for walking out on you.  You _don't care, and I don't know why you don't just admit it instead of pretending you do...I mean, everyone in the school knows it, Potter."_

He didn't respond for a moment after she finished, and then after a few seconds said, "You don't know what you're talking about.  Everyone in the school comes to me all the time with their problems."

She shook her head slowly, watching the anger on his face grow.

"They go to _you_ to get out of having to serve detentions or to get points reinstated...they come to ME if they want things to get done.  That's the difference between us."

She could see suddenly that she had struck a nerve with him by the subtle way his expression changed.  His eyes went from being fiery with anger to cold and masked.  He straightened slighly and replied, disdain oozing from his voice, "Really?  Well, just keep telling yourself that, Evans, if it makes you feel more important."

She grimaced...not this argument again.  She was beginning to get tired of being told how insignificant she was.  "It's the truth, Potter, whether you want to admit it or not.  I don't know what else to say."

"I just try and fix what you screw up, and believe me, it happens often.  Speaking of which...you took ten points away from Albert Brooks last night for being in the corridor after dark."

She blinked, confused at the abrupt change of subject.  "Yes...what about it?"

"I reinstated five of the ten...we agreed on a set amount of points.  You seemingly disregarded this."

She stepped back and her frown deepened as she replied, "Well, that was premature of you.  If you had come to me first, as you were supposed to have done, I would have told you that five points were taken from Albert and five from the girl he was with.  I'll just have to take the points again when I do the next set of reports."

"No, you won't."

"I won't?" she replied, thrown off by his sudden cold attitude.

"No," he stated matter-of-factly, "He was just trying to find a place to be alone with his girl, and I don't think he should be punished for that.  It's alright...no one expects YOU to understand how these things work."

She didn't say anything...merely stared at him.  She could feel her face go slack, and she suddenly felt very small.  

"Actually," he said after a moment, a glint of mocking scorn coloring his chilly stare, "I suppose you may have read about it in a bloody _book_ once."

It felt as though he'd just slapped her in the face, and her chest closed up as though trying to contain her roiling emotions.  He turned as if to walk away, and suddenly something inside her snapped.  It didn't matter if she found the perfect words or expressed herself completely clearly, she just needed to spill her mind before it exploded.

"You know something?" she began a tad shrilly, causing him to turn with a bemused expression on his face, "That is the SECOND extremely personal thing you've said to me in the past twenty-four hours.  It's going to stop NOW!"

He glanced quickly down the corridor as if to make sure no one was overhearing this as she practically hissed the last word, and it made her even more angry.  To her dismay, she could feel tears of frustration stinging her eyes and her throat was working hard to swallow back the lump that was threatening to form there.  She had only ever gotten this worked up a couple times in the past, and both were when she was dealing with an immovable and unreasonable Petunia.  She hadn't cried then, in front of her sister, and she'd be damned if she was going to cry now in front of James Potter.

"How dare you stand there and...and insult me like this?  Does it make you feel big...making me feel so small?  Are you really that despicable?"

She was practically shouting now, and she didn't care.  She knew that no one was here besides them, and no one was hearing anything, but she wouldn't have cared even if they had been standing in the middle of the crowded common room.  This wasn't something she could hold back any longer.  He was staring at her, as an emotion she could honestly describe as uneasiness was beginning to taint his expression.  She was only encouraged by this, and went on, her traitorous voice audibly trembling now.

"I didn't think you could sink any lower after last night, but it looks like I was wrong.  I...I mean, I...I," she stammered, trying desperately to get a hold on what she wanted to say.   He stepped forward a bit now, one hand held slightly in front of him as if to ward her off.  

"Okay...alright, hold on..." he started to say in a low voice, but she ignored him.  She would not be put off.

"I tried to come to you about this in earnest last night, and you let Sirius Black...I've never been so...not in my whole life.  Then, this morning, I tried again...and you insult me in ways I've never...I mean, how do you treat someone like that!?"

"Would you lower your voice, please?" he hissed at her, and she merely got louder.

"Oh, is that how it is?  You'll say whatever you want to me without fear because I won't do anything, right?  You don't have the GUTS to say these things in front of anyone...why don't you?  Why don't you just insult me in public?  If everyone likes you so much better, then it shouldn't be a problem."

"Would you just hold on a minute, dammit!" he broke in, his anger at her tirade and his nervousness at her volume waging war on his face.  There was something else mixed in as well, though...something that looked ever-so-slightly like guilt.  She didn't care.  She was probably mistaken, and anyway...he should feel guilty.  

"Yeah, I know," she interrupted, causing him run a hand violently through his hair in frustration, "I'm always out of line, always overreacting, aren't I?  Well you know something?  It's one thing to criticize me in the capacity of Head Girl...it's something completely different when the slurs get personal.  And this is going to stop before it goes any further.  I'm going to McGonagall."

His face turned stony and he replied, "Of course you are...I should have known it was coming."

She felt her face starting to constrict, and she felt like she was going to tear her hair out if she stood here any longer.  "Are you still on about McGonagall and _that whole thing?  Something that happened years ago?  Well, fine...if that's what you want to believe I do all the time – ratting on you to McGonagall – then I might as well live up to my reputation."_

At her last words, before she turned on her heel to stalk away and leave him standing there in the corridor, she could see the color drain from his face as his eyes gauged her seriousness.  Apparently, he was finally realizing that this time was different.  She went into class with a sour expression still plastered on her face, and Arabella noticed.

"Well...what now?  Did he say something else to you?"

Lily shook her head and laughed a bit maniachally as she pulled out her parchment, ink, and quill for the exam.  "Do you have to _ask_?  I mean, why do I even bother, really?  I should just take it to McGonagall."

"That's what I've been saying this entire time!" Bella snapped, not at Lily but rather at the entire situation.  Helen sighed and added,

"Well...you can't say you didn't try everything."

Before they could say any more, Professor McGonagall walked in.  As she turned to look, Lily noticed that James had already come in and taken his seat...he was now looking at her with a strange look on his face, as though he was waiting for her to explode or something.  She frowned coldly at him and then turned away, determined not to let him weasel out of trouble this time.  She WAS going to McGonagall, and that was that.  Satisfied with her decision, she promptly dipped her quill in her ink and began on the exam she had just been given. 

Some time later in the hour, Lily glanced up as the door to the classroom opened and Professor Dumbledore himself walked in.  She frowned slightly, wondering what could warrant his visit, but she decided it must be school business as he beckoned to McGonagall.  She nodded and went out into the corridor after him, and Lily went back to her exam.  Not three minutes later, Professor McGonagall came back in the room.  Her face was ashen, and she looked around the room until her eyes fell upon Lily.

"Miss Evans...may I see you outside for a moment?"

Her voice was neutral, but her eyes spoke volumes.  Lily felt a strange, unnamed fear grip her as she set her quill down and stood up.  She didn't make eye contact with anyone, but she knew that every eye in the room was on her.  Slowly, she made her way to the door, and McGonagall stepped aside so that she could pass through.  The professor turned and gave some instructions to the class, and then proceeded to lead Lily down the corridor. 

"The headmaster wishes to speak to you, Miss Evans," she replied in her usual crisp tone, but she wouldn't turn around to look at her.  Lily swallowed hard as they got to the door of Dumbledore's office, and McGonagall gave the password.  Lily didn't even hear it.

As soon as she had been ushered in, she was asked to take a seat.  Dumbledore's face was set gravely, and his eyes weren't twinkling.  Before he could speak, Lily blurted,

"What's happened?"

Dumbledore sighed as McGonagall left the room, and when he opened his mouth to speak, Lily somehow knew she was about to take a horrible blow.  

"Lily," he began, addressing her informally, "As headmaster of this school, I am presented with a great many unpleasant duties.  This particular one, however, is always the most painful."

Lily wanted to jump out of her chair, or scream, or stop him from talking, but she just sat there.  It was all she was capable of at the moment.

"I am saddened to inform you, my dear, that there has been another Death-Eater attack...an attack which...well, we've never seen something of this kind on such a grand scale before.  An entire town was demolished.  It happened a week ago...in Surrey."

She wouldn't have felt any more strangled if he'd reached across the desk and grabbed her by the throat.  She wanted to ask him to stop talking, to demand that he just not say what he was about to say...but all she could do was shake her head inanely.  Dumbedore's eyes became deeper somehow, softer, as he watched her try and cling to her denial.  Leaning over his desk and folding his hands in front of him, he held her eyes with his own sorrowful blue ones as he said, "Lily, I'm terribly sorry...your parents..."

Lily stopped listening to him.  She knew what he was telling her without having to hear it.  She simply stared at the front of the Headmaster's desk...she wanted to vomit, or scream.  She wanted to go to sleep, to shut down...she didn't remember anything that happened after that.  She was faintly aware of Dumbledore speaking comforting words of some kind, of McGonagall re-entering, of Arabella and Helen kneeling beside her chair.  She remembered someone suggesting the hospital wing, and herself insisting upon her own bed.  Although she didn't recall the trip, she knew she was now lying in her bed in Gryffindor Tower.  Arabella and Helen were lying on either side of her...Helen was holding her hand, and Bella was playing with her hair.

"Lily...you've got to let it all out," Helen was saying.

"It's the only way to start healing," Bella added, her voice choked with her own unshed tears as she stroked Lily's head, "We're here for you."

Lily didn't respond...she wanted to, in some ways.  She wanted them to leave her alone.  She didn't know what she wanted.  In the end, she remained silent.

At some point, she fell asleep.  When she awoke, Arabella and Helen were in their own beds.  She didn't know what time it was, or how long she had been asleep.  She lay awake, staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours.  When the sky outside her window turned from black to blue to pink, she drifted back into oblivion.  She decided, as her lids closed around the thick tears that blurred her vision and stung her eyes, that she DID know what she wanted. 

She wanted to stay asleep and never wake up.

She went on like this for days, not caring about anything.  She knew Arabella and Helen were trying their best to help her...they didn't leave her side for the next few days, and tried like mad to get her to eat something or to say more than a sentence at a time.  She attempted to act as though she were feeling better for their sakes, but she felt as though she wanted to die from the sour pain in her stomach every time she thought of her Mum and Dad.  She couldn't bring herself to get up, couldn't bring herself to talk about it.  After a few days, Bella and Helen reluctantly went back to attending class, and Lily used the time alone to stare out the window and imagine that nothing had changed.  She wondered if it was possible, somehow, to transport herself back in time using magic.

She wished she didn't know anything about magic.  She wished she hadn't come to Hogwarts, wished she hadn't gotten that blasted letter.  It was her fault...everything was her fault.  If she had just been born a normal girl instead of a freak like Petunia said, her parents would still be alive to dance at her sister's wedding.

Petunia.  She had written Lily a brief letter...her parents memorial service had already been held.  There was no need to come home, as if there was any home to go to anymore.  Needless to say, Lily wasn't welcome at her wedding anymore, either.  With her parents gone, there was no one to insist upon it.  She wondered briefly if the memorial service had been held before she had even been told, and decided it must have been...of course Petinua would send word to Dumbledore only after it was too late for Lily to do anything.  

Not that there was anything she could do.

She walked blindly away from the window and back to her rumpled bed.  She looked forlornly at the covers for a moment, a million thoughts running through her head even though she couldn't hold on to a single one of them.  Suddenly, she wanted her older sister to be there more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life.  Laying down, unable to escape the wave of loneliness which seemed to knock her down every time she tried to get up, she closed her eyes to keep them from burning and tried once again to seek refuge in sleep.  It came, but only fleetingly...she was awake again by the time Arabella and Helen came back from class.  She gave them a weak smile as they walked in, but much as she tried she couldn't make it meet her eyes.

"Lily," Helen said softly, "How are you feeling?"

Lily shrugged, because she knew if she voiced what was truly in her heart she would burst into tears.  She didn't want that.  They glanced at each other and Arabella walked over to her bed.  Seating herself at Lily's thigh, she said,

"Are you hungry?"

Lily shook her head, and Helen added, "Come on, Lil.  Let's go on down to dinner...they'll be serving shepherd's pie.  It's your favorite."

Lily smiled and shook her head wanly again...shepherd's pie.  No one could make it like her Mum could.  She looked down quickly, before they could see the tears.  Arabella and Helen had an exchange of some kind while Lily was looking away, because after a moment Helen excused herself to fetch some food for all of them.  Despite her mood, Lily had to smile inwardly at their persistence.  Once Helen had left, Arabella picked up a brush from Lily's night table and went to sit behind her.  She began running the brush over her mussed red hair as she talked.

"Are you alright?" 

She had asked before, of course, but Lily could tell that this time she wanted a serious answer.  She sighed and replied quietly,

"No, I'm not.  Is that so unusual?"

After a pause, Bella said, "No, it's not unusual...but you're also never going to feel better if you keep on like this.  It's been almost a week, Lily."

She didn't respond, but merely reveled in the feel of the brush in her hair.  It was relaxing.  After a moment, Bella began talking again.

"A lot of people were asking after you in class today.  They're all worried."

Again, Lily didn't respond.  She got the feeling Arabella was waiting for her to say something in particular, but she simply wasn't interested in what other people wanted to know.  It wasn't any of their business.  Arabella didn't say anything more, and Helen soon came back with food for the three of them to share.  Lily sat with them as they ate and made some conversation...they were obviously trying to get her mind off things, which was impossible.  She couldn't swallow a single bite, however, and soon she went back to bed.  As much as she didn't want to be alone through this, she felt even worse when she was with other people.  She didn't know what she wanted, and so she made her escape to sleep again.  

When she woke up, it was the next morning.  Lily squinted out the window and wondered what day it was...it must be Monday.  It was a beautiful, clear day...which made it all the more ugly in Lily's eyes.  It was as if everything was taunting her for her hardship...she couldn't get away from it.   Just as she could feel the wetness clouding her eyes again, she heard a soft knock at the door.  Frowning as she wondered who would knock, she called out for them to enter.

To her shock, the door came slowly open and the headmaster himself walked through.  His white beard was gleaming in the morning sunlight, and his eyes were fixed warmly upon her.  She felt her cheeks burn at her pajama clad form, but knew in the back of her mind that she was perfectly decent.  He idled over to the window and gazed out upon the grounds for a moment before he spoke, and when he did it was in a soft, kind voice.

"On mornings like these, when the sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky, I often enjoy a stroll around the lake.  After all...it's a shame to waste a beautiful day."

He turned then to regard her knowingly.

"I know you feel right now as though nothing will ever be beautiful again, Lily.  You feel as though the light in your life has been extinguished."

Lily swallowed at the completely accurate description of her current feelings.  It was as if he had been reading her mind before he walked in.  When she didn't speak, he went on.

"However...feelings such as these cannot remain strong forever.  As impossible as it seems now, they will fade with time...and you will find joy in other things."

He came closer to her bedside, and she noticed for the first time how serious his eyes were underneath their understanding sheen.

"You cannot find happiness while simply sitting in bed and waiting for the pain leave your heart of its own accord.  You must get up and search it out, Lily.  Do you understand?"

She looked into his blue eyes and wondered to herself if he had become this sympathetic to human emotion by simply having lived so long and experienced so much...or because he himself had experienced death in a personal capacity. 

"Yes, sir...I do."

He nodded, and replied, "Good...then I'll expect to see you tonight at dinner."

He smiled as he said this, and she smiled and nodded in return.  He turned to leave, and before he walked out she called,

"Professor Dumbledore?"

He looked back at her.

"Thank you."

Smiling, he waved his hand and took his leave.  She turned her head to gaze out the window once more...he was right.  After all, she had already wasted a week, and she couldn't stay in here forever.  Half-heartedly, she got up and grabbed some clothes before heading to the showers.  She'd have to make up a lot of work, and she supposed that she might as well do it over the Christmas holiday, as it was obvious she wasn't going anywhere.  Pushing the thought from her mind for the moment, she stepped out of the shower and pulled a brush through her hair.  Standing in front of the mirror in her dorm a few minutes later, clad only in her underthings, she regarded herself with a critical but not altogether interested eye.  She had lost weight...it was obvious.  Her face looked pale and strained.  She looked like hell...and she didn't care.

Pulling on a sweater and some blue jeans, she made her way down to the Great Hall for dinner.  She didn't really think she was going to end up eating anything, but she wanted to take the first step all the same.  At least it was Friday and she wouldn't have to actually attend class until Monday...that gave her two days to try and get back on a normal sleeping schedule.  Lily paused for a moment before pushing open the doors of the Great Hall, knowing she was facing everyone for the first time since that day in class.  Taking a breath, she entered...and despite the fact that no one pointed and the conversation didn't become hushed, Lily couldn't help feeling as though everyone was watching her.

As soon as she got within viewing range of her friends, they both looked up and saw her.  Helen's eyes lit up...and Lily could see Arabella start to smile slightly even as her blue eyes scanned her face shrewdly as though wanting to make sure she was up to this.  Lily responded with a small smile to both of them and said softly as she approached,

"Hey...I thought I'd come and see what we're having."

Helen and Arabella were obviously overcome with relief that she was there, and the other students who were sitting nearby expressed various sentiments of happiness that she was back and sympathy over what had happened.  She appreciated it all, even thought it truly wasn't something she wanted.  She spent the entire evening pretending that nothing was wrong, all the while knowing that she was failing miserably.  She didn't have it in her to converse very much, and she felt as though she was always on the verge of regressing and simply heading back up to her bed for another two weeks or so.  Still, she knew that this was the hardest part, and it would only get easier.  At least, that was what she was praying would happen...otherwise, she was in deep trouble.

After dinner was finally over and everyone was going back to their respective common rooms, Lily felt a hand tap lightly on her elbow as she trailed slightly behind her friends.  Turning, she was surprised to see James Potter standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets.

"I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute."

She blinked and asked, "Now?"

He shrugged slightly and replied, "Whenever you get a minute."

She glanced at Arabella and Helen, who had by now turned to see where she had got to and were watching suspiciously.  Lily motioned at them to go ahead, and they reluctantly turned and continued on their way...she knew they would be fiercely guarding her privacy from now on, and she appreciated it.  Walking slightly to the side of the corridor with James, she looked blankly up at him as he cleared his throat and began speaking.

"I, um...I know you have a lot of things on your mind right now.  I wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about anything...you know, regarding our duties and all that.  I'm taking care of it...for as long as you need."

She nodded indifferently, not sure how to respond to this.  She was about to mutter some sort of thanks when he continued in a quiet voice,   
            "Listen...I also wanted to apologize for...well, everything.  I know it probably doesn't mean anything now, and it sounds insincere considering the circumstances, but...I wanted to say it anyway."

He was right...it did sound insincere.  She supposed that her parents' deaths was just the thing to instigate his feelings of guilt for the way he'd been acting.  She nodded again in a detached sort of way, and cast her eyes to the floor.  All she wanted to do was get back to her dorm and go to bed.  He seemed to sense this, and so he said,

"Well...I guess that's all.  I'm...truly sorry about your parents."

He looked completely sincere, just like everyone else.  She hated that everything had to change...now, everyone was going to treat her differently.  She wished that she could just erase the past week from their minds and have their opinions of her be unaffected by what happened...even if they ended up hating her.  At least the emotion would be genuine.  She knew she couldn't, though, and so she merely nodded and walked the rest of the way back to the common room.

The weekend passed by torturously, and soon she was wishing that she DID have class to take her mind off of everything that had happened.  As it was, she simply wasn't in the mood for recreational activity.  As the next couple of weeks passed, she found that she had never felt so lacking in direction...she didn't know where to go or what to do that would somehow fill the time so that she wouldn't think about her parents.  When she was in class, it was better, but suddenly it seemed as though the evenings lasted forever.  Her grades didn't see a slip, as she spent all the time she could after hours studying, reading, or doing assignments to pass more time.  In general, the days seemed to drag by, and she found that she could no longer sleep easily at night...she kept dreaming about her parents deaths, as though she had been there and had seen it happen.

But she hadn't been there, and that was the problem.  Truthfully, she knew that there would have been nothing she could have done to stop the attack, but it didn't really make thinking about it easier.  The rest of the school was quick to notice that she wasn't improving, and although no one said anything to her about it, she knew they were all talking behind her back.  Arabella and Helen were worried, and McGonagall was consistently asking her if she needed counsel.  She refused every time...it wouldn't help anyway.  She knew the professor was concerned about her position as Head Girl, as Lily's drive in that area was significantly lowered, if not eliminated completely, by what had happened.

She hadn't taken as much as a single point away from anyone since she had gotten back to her regular routine, and during the meetings with McGonagall on Fridays she simply sat in silence and allowed James to speak.  She didn't offer opinions, make suggestions, or even argue anything that he said or did.  He, for his part, left her alone.  He didn't approach her, and she was glad of it...it would have been extremely awkward.  He didn't ask for her help or demand her participation, and she supposed that was his show of support for her...it was more than enough from him.  

This went on for a full two weeks until, a few days before everyone was set to leave for Christmas holiday, Lily decided it couldn't go on any longer.  She may not care about her own position as Head Girl, but she did feel a sense of guilt that things weren't getting done when there could be someone out there who would be happy to do them.  She wasn't getting the job done anymore, and there was no use trying to continue with the charade that she was.  She spoke to McGonagall one night after class, and as she had expected, the professor tried to forstall her decision.

"Miss Evans," she said in a soft voice, "I know this is an extremely difficult time for you, but I want to stress that you shouldn't make any rash decisions.  Give yourself time...you may feel differently later, and I wouldn't want to make any irreversable changes in the meantime."

Lily shook her head and said, "Thank you, Professor, but I have given it a lot of thought already.  I simply can't handle the added stress anymore...and that alone speaks to my inadequacy for the position.  I really think you ought to give it to someone else...someone who can do the job _now_."

They went back and forth a few times over it, and in the end McGonagall finally relented.

"I am deeply sorry to have to accept your resignation, Miss Evans.  However, I want you to know that nothing will be decided in this matter until at least a week after Christmas holiday is over...if you should change you mind."

"Thank you," Lily replied, knowing full-well that she wouldn't change her mind.  Just as she was about to turn to leave, McGonagall called,

"Oh, one last thing.  Potter is in the library right now, finishing something up for me.  I want you to go and tell him yourself of your decision."

Lily nodded impassively...he'd probably be relieved.  She walked the familiar route to the library, and when she went in he was indeed sitting at her usual table.  As she approached, he pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.  She sat, and he looked up, putting them back on and regarding her with no little amount of surprise.

"Hi," he said simply, and she noted in that one small word that his tone was certainly a bit kinder than it had ever before been with her.  She rolled her eyes inwardly...what had happened hadn't changed anything, it just made people feel like they had to treat her like glass.  Sitting down across from him, she folded her hands in front of her and began.

"I just came...well, I thought I should let you know something before you found out somewhere else," she said, failing to mention that McGonagall had asked her to come here and tell him herself.  He didn't say anything, but merely continued looking at her and waiting, so she went on,

"I've just resigned from my position as Head Girl.  They should be filling the spot shortly after Christmas, so you needn't worry about that."

She paused here so that he could comment if he wished, but he only blinked once, frowned, and said confusedly, "What?"

"I know it's a bit rushed, but there shouldn't be anything to do as far as paperwork over the holidays.  You'll have no trouble handling it alone."

He remained silent, but his brow was still furrowed.  After a moment in which he didn't make any kind of verbal response, she finished, "Well, I'm going back to the tower.  I'll see you around."

He shrugged and replied, "Alright," and she stood up to leave.  She felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders...it was one less thing that she had to worry about, one less thing that she was going to be forced to deal with for the rest of the year.  She was feeling slightly confident in her decision by the time she got back to Gryffindor Tower, and she was just about to give the Fat Lady the password when she heard a male voice call her from down the hall.

"Lily, wait a second!"

She turned and was surprised to see that it was James.  He was jogging to catch up with her, and he must have left the library no more than a couple of minutes after her.  She wondered that she hadn't recognized his voice...and then realized it was because he had used her first name.  It was so odd that it had thrown her off...she wasn't used to it.  She raised her eyebrows as he approached, slightly breathless.  He was still frowning.

"Hold on...maybe I don't fully understand.  Are you telling me you've taken a leave of absence, or that you've quit?"

She sighed, having thought the discussion was over, and replied, "It's permanent.  As of earlier today I am no longer Head Girl."

His frown deepened as he asked, "Have you talked to McGonagall about this?"

She nodded and replied, "She was the first to know."

"And she's letting you do it?"

She felt herself frown now, and answered, "Yes...she really has no choice, does she?  She accepted my badge earlier."

The truth was, her badge was still in the pocket of her robes...she hadn't handed it in.  She had simply forgotten to do it earlier, and made a mental note to drop it off later.  James shifted his weight from one foot to the other and turned to stare down the corridor as if he was trying to see something at the far end.  He shook his head and said,

"I can't believe you're quitting.  You're just giving up."

She could feel herself starting to get angry...who was he to pass judgement?  He was making it sound like she had somehow let him down personally, as if he had ever cared what she said or did.

"Well, I wouldn't say that it's any of your business.  It's my decision to make."

He looked her in the face again and replied, "But it's a decision that affects a lot more people than just yourself.  You're throwing everything away in a rash move that you're going to regret later."

She gave a little mirthless laugh of disbelief, and said, "Since when do you care what I do?  Listen, I'm really very tired...and I don't wish to discuss this anymore."

She made to turn and give the password, but suddenly he was between her and the portrait hole.  He sighed angrily and said,

"Look, you're giving it up for all the wrong reasons.  I never would have thought it of you."

She stepped back a bit and felt her face get very hot.  In a dangerously quiet voice she asked, "How dare you presume to know the reasons behind the choices I make?"

"Everyone will know...it's pretty obvious."

"So what if it is...I don't care what people think.  Now please get out of my way."

He stood his ground, and she even thought he straightened as if to make himself even more impassable.  "I think you're making a mistake."

She kept her voice low and cold as she replied, "I don't care what _you_ think.  You're nothing.  Now move aside."

He didn't reply, but he didn't move either.  Feeling a rage unlike any she had ever known before, thinking his arrogance surpassed anything she had ever experienced from anyone else, she almost whispered, "If you don't get away from that portrait, I swear I'll slap you."

"You know I'm right, don't you?  You know it...I can see it all over your face.  You need to think about what you're doing."

"Don't tell me what I need...and don't speak to me again."

With that, she physically pushed past him and bit out the password to the wary Fat Lady, who thankfully didn't say anything.  As she stepped through the portrait hole, she heard him say from behind her,

"Just think about it.  Over Christmas...THINK about it."

She didn't even acknowledge that she had heard him, and practically ran up the stairs to her dorm.   As she got into bed after a bit of small talk with her friends, she couldn't help thinking about it.  She wasn't going to change her mind...he didn't know anything.  No one knew what was best for her but herself...and she was on her own now.  She needed to make her own decisions, and this was right for her.

To Be Continued in Chapter Four 

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.hiddentower.50megs.com


	5. The First Link

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces.  In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE. **

CHAPTER FOUR: The First Link

"The chain of destiny must be grasped one link at a time."   ~ Sir Winston Churchill 

Within days, Lily found herself practically alone, as almost all the other students had chosen to return home for the holidays.  In light of the current instability, most people had their concerns about passing up a chance to spend time with loved ones.  Lily understood this completely, and as a result had literally forced Arabella and Helen to return to their families...they had insisted upon staying with her at first, but Lily had refused to allow it.  Truth be told, she wanted the time to herself to think without being coddled.  She appreciated very much what everyone was trying to do for her in their various demonstrations of support, but she was growing weary with it.  There weren't really many choices for her to make...she was going to be miserable over the holidays no matter where she spent them.  It was the first Christmas she would ever spend without her family around her, and she would rather spend it alone than bring her sorrow and killjoy attitude into someone else's merrymaking.  Arabella in particular had ranted and scolded for days, assuring her that she was going to be in a bad enough mood just imagining her sitting there alone at school over the week-long hiatus, but it hadn't changed Lily's mind...and finally Bella had grudgingly conceeded to leave her to her own plans.

After about a day of this, however, she found that sitting in the common room was quite oppressive if no one else was around, and so she often took herself to the library.  Mrs. Hoodwinkle had also gone home for Christmas, so Lily found that she could have the entire, huge room to herself.  Wandering the aisles and perusing the shelves, she plucked book after book from their resting places.  She read at her favorite table when she could, but when darkness fell she moved to the common room...even if it was slightly depressing to sit there during daylight hours, it was lovely at night to sit in front of the fire in her nightdress with her books. One day, as she was looking for her next literary venture, she wandered into a section of the library she had only previously used for study purposes.  Just as she was about to turn and walk back to the other side, a title caught her eye.

"_Rivalry Through Generations: The Legacies of Gryffindor and Slytherin_"

Frowning in curiosity, she pulled it from its shelf and scanned the first page...and found she was transfixed.  She couldn't put the book down once she had begun reading it, and in it she found information that they had never mentioned in her History of Magic classes.  She read the thick volume until it was time for dinner, but instead of going down to the Great Hall, she merely hurried back to Gryffindor tower.  Throwing herself into one of the chairs, she continued reading.  She kept on until her eyes were falling closed, and even then she didn't shut the book.  She was driven to finish it.  Finally, hours later, she turned the last page.  After she had wearily closed the cover and the book rested heavily on her lap, she found she still couldn't quite bring herself to go to bed.  Everything she had learned was spinning through her brain, and she couldn't help wondering why she hadn't picked up that book ages ago – why it hadn't been assigned as required reading.

_"After the school's reputation had begun to spread, children from all over Britain who were magically inclined flocked to Hogwarts to develop their abilities.  The enrollment soon surpassed the original expectations of the four founders, and conferences commenced on how to best manage the growing problem.  Soon unrest between the four began to increase.  Slytherin suggested that the enrollment could be cut in half if they issued a decree that only students born to full-blooded wizarding families would be allowed to enter the school.  Gryffindor vehemently disagreed with the idea, accusing Slytherin of harboring unjust prejudce against Muggle-borns.  Arguments became more frequent as the months wore on, and soon the dispute turned to matters of theory.  Slytherin claimed that it was a waste of resources to fully train Muggle-borns, as they could never grow to be as powerful as purebloods.  Gryffindor hotly dissented, and the tension only became worse. Eventually, Salazaar Slytherin broke from the others completely and left the school permanently.   Before his final departure, Slytherin vowed to Gryffindor that the rivalry between them was not yet over, and that it would only be settled in a final confrontation between their two true heirs."_

Lily had thought she'd known all about the ancient rivalry between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins...everyone did.  Everyone knew that Godric Gryffindor and Salazaar Slytherin hadn't liked each other...that their argument had been the cause of Slytherin's leaving Hogwarts permanently.  She realized now, after having read that book, that she hadn't known the half of it. She sat watching the flames lick the walls of the fireplace for a long time, thinking.  

Strange how some things dragged on and on, over generations of people who should have the hindsight needed to know better.  She had never known Godric Gryffindor, nor did she have any real proof that all this was absolute truth...but she was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude towards him.  He was surely from a pureblood family, and yet he risked his life so that Muggleborns - then and in the future - would be able to come to Hogwarts.  It was thanks to him that she herself was able to sit in this common room right now..._his common room._

Suddenly, she was prouder than she had ever been before to call herself a Gryffindor.

Before she even knew she had drifted off, Lily awoke with a start, still curled up in the same chair.  The fire was out, and sunlight was streaming through the windows from the crisp December morning. Lily yawned and got up, straightening her wrinkled clothes as best she could and smoothing her mussed hair.  Walking to the window, she gazed out upon the grounds and thought about the book she had read the night before.  It was as though reading the book marked her emergence from some kind of  helpless trance, because she suddenly felt as though she had been asleep for more than just one night.  Turning away from the view of the grounds, she let her eyes wander over the crimson and gold accents of the room she had called home for the past seven years.

If Godric Gryffindor had fought so hard to give her the right to come to this place...then she would repay him in the only way she knew how.  She would try and make herself worthy of the title of Gryffindor.

Later, in the library, she scoured the shelves for anything she could find that would tell her about defense charms.  Defense Against the Dark Arts wasn't at all her best subject, but she still managed to get top marks with the work she put into it.  If working hard was what it was going take, then she could certainly handle that.  She was used to it...and besides, she'd be doing it for her parents.

She just hoped she had the strength needed to pull it off.

That night, Lily dreamt again about their deaths.  Lurching to a sitting position, she looked around blankly as her eyes adjusted to the darkness of what she finally recognized was her dorm.  As the threatening haze lifted from her brain, she tried in vain to control her breathing...it was almost coming in sobs now.  Scrubbing her face with her clammy hands, she found that she was in a cold sweat and trembling.  She took a calming breath and tried to get herself under control...at least no one else was here, she thought.  She wondered briefly if she had cried out when she awoke.  Resting her chin on her clasped hands and bringing her knees to her chest, she considered that she was no longer going to be the helpless bystander in that dream.  She knew that it was too late for anyone to help her parents...she had come to accept that.  She refused, however, to sit idly by and wallow in grief as such terrible things happened to countless other people.  If she could do anything at all for her family, she would make sure that she did everything in her meager power to prevent this from happening to anyone else.  With that, she forced herself to lay down and go back to sleep...praying as she did that the dream would not return again that night.

When she woke up the next morning, it took her a full three minutes of lying in confused stillness before it hit her that it was Christmas day.  Lily was somewhat disappointed to realize that she hadn't been exaggerating when she'd said she would be miserable...somewhere in the back of her mind, she'd hoped that she would wake up that morning and feel somehow better about things.  Christmas morning...it had always been so magical for her in the past, even though in her head there was nothing about it that was even remotely associated with the magical world.  When she described the magic of Christmas, she was referring to the old definition of magical...the one she'd known before she'd actually found out magic existed.  This word, to her, meant something slightly untouchable...otherworldly.  Something that was better than everything else, something that couldn't really be described by ordinary standards.  As she lay there, staring up at her canopy, she unconsciously smiled as a bundle of images rushed through her brain.

On Christmas Eve, her mother would take Lily and Petunia into the kitchen after dinner so that they could begin making the sugar cookies they would leave for Father Christmas...so that he would have something to eat when he came down the chimmney.  They'd spend hours rolling the dough, cutting it into all different shapes from trees to stars, and decorating them with red and green sprinkles.  After Mum had put them in the oven and they were safely baking, they would all go into the living room with huge mugs of hot chocolate and sit around the tree while Dad read them the end of "A Christmas Carol"...they never had time for the whole book.  When he was finished, as though they'd timed it in advance, the cookies would be done.  They were each permitted two, with a glass of cold milk, and then they'd be tucked in and told to go to sleep quickly so that Santa could start working.  In the morning, every year, Lily would wake up at an ungodly hour and sprint through the dark into Petunia's room.  She'd leap on her bed and ask her if she thought it was safe to go down, to which Petunia would always reply that they'd better wake Mum and Dad first.  This they would do...and the anticipation of walking downstairs was always the very best moment of all.  

Lily felt her eyes sting and brought a hand up to rub them...she couldn't think about all this.  She couldn't _not_ think about it…and suddenly she didn't know how she was going to live through the day.  She'd never stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays before...ever.  She wouldn't have even dreamed it, wouldn't have considered it in a million years.  Christmas was for family, for being together and drinking eggnog and singing carols.  For eating her Mum's cooking and decorating their own Christmas tree...and suddenly it hit her full-force that she was never going to do any of this again, and she could almost hear her heart breaking as she heaved a shuddering sigh and let the tears trickle down her cheeks.

She didn't get out of bed for a long time.  Finally, after what seemed like hours, she sat up and glanced out the window...it was snowing.  Shaking her head, she swung her legs over the side and stood up, feeling her knees practically groaning in protest.  Raking a hand through her horribly tangled hair, she pulled her dressing gown off the bedpost and padded down to the showers.  She thought about going to the prefect's bathroom, as it was bound to be empty, but decided she just didn't feel like making the walk and opted to just take her shower in the regular bathroom.  She took her time with it, and it did manage to make her feel a bit better...just a little bit more prepared to actually do something with the day.  

The rest of Christmas day passed without much incident...which was exactly the opposite of every other Christmas memory she had dinner with the professors and the few students who had stayed...mostly younger ones.  For them, she managed a somewhat cheerful demeanor, but she could tell by the way many of the teachers were looking at her that they could see right through it.  Not feeling up to either the charade or the scrutiny, she went back to the common room almost immediately after she'd eaten what little she could stomach and decided that she would simply stay in there and take the time she'd said she needed to be alone...even though upon further consideration, she was beginning to feel like being alone was the last thing she wanted that evening.

As it turned out, however, she didn't have to live with it for long.  As she was idly flipping the pages of the book on her lap, too morose to really read, she heard the portrait hole slide open.  Looking up in some alarm, she thought she might be imagining things as she watched Arabella climb through, her trunk floating behind her.  As she spotted Lily sitting there, she rolled her eyes and pushed some stray locks of black hair off her forehead.

"Remind me never to take that ruddy Knight Bus again.  What a nightmare."

Lily was too dumbfounded to respond and merely stared as Bella walked tiredly over to the couch across from her and sank heavily into it, leaving her trunk sitting in the middle of the floor.  When she didn't say anything else, Lily asked,  "What are you doing here?"

At this, Bella took her hands away from where they had been rubbing her eyes and shot her a slightly angry look that said she thought Lily was a complete idiot.  Her voice came out almost harshly as she replied,  "Well, you didn't actually think that I was going to leave you here to spend all of Christmas by yourself, did you?  Come on...you know better than that."

Lily didn't know what to say...only now that she thought about it, she was at a loss to explain how she had failed to expect this from her best friend.  Shaking her head slightly as she continued to stare at Arabella in something akin to awe, she asked, "But...but what about your family?  Your mum?"

Bella's brows snapped together as she gave her eyes another roll and answered firmly, "I was eager to get away from her, actually...she was livid when I told her that you had decided to stay here for the holidays.  Wouldn't speak to me for the whole afternoon.  Come to that, I was pretty cross with myself as well...I should have taken two handfuls of your obnoxious red hair and dragged you onto that train with me.  Or else I should have stayed."

"But Bella," Lily protested, unable to bear the thought of her predicament having ruined her friend's holiday, "I told you I _wanted_ to be alone!"

Arabella raised her eyebrows at her.  "Is that really what you were thinking when I walked in here just now?  That you were happy to be alone?"

Lily snapped her mouth shut as a knowing look filled Bella's ice-blue eyes.  After a beat, Lily replied quietly, "No...no, it wasn't."

Bella smiled slightly then and replied, "No...I thought not.  Anyway...as I was coming in I walked past the Great Hall.  There seems to be some kind of to-do going on...figgy pudding and all the like.  I suggest we leave my stuff right there for the time being and go and see what it's about."

Lily's mind briefly protested the thought of eating again, as she hadn't been feeling well all day...but then again, she didn't feel quite so bad anymore.  Smiling widely for the first time that day, she replied, "All right, then."

Bella heaved herself to her feet and, without taking off her cloak, walked over to the portrait hole.  Before she could get close enough for it to open, however, Lily gave in to her impulse and threw her arms around Bella's neck from behind.  Arabella laughed lightly, sounding slightly winded, and patted Lily's head.

"Stop...this is the worst-planned hug I've ever gotten."

"Thank you, Bella."

She felt Arabella nod, and then after another second she asked wryly, "Could you please get off now?  You're strangling me."

Lily let go reluctantly and tried her best to blink back the tears that threatened to spill over before Bella could see them.  She didn't want her to feel like she had to comfort her...for once, rather than stemming from any feelings of deprivation or loss, the tears were the product of her intense gratitude and affection for her friend.

"Hey," Lily mused as she followed Bella out into the corridor, "Do you particularly _like_ figgy pudding, Miss _Figg_?"

Arabella froze and turned around slowly to pin Lily with a look, one eyebrow almost touching her hairline.  Lily shrugged, smiling sheepishly, and elaborated, "You know...get it?  Figgy pudding?"

After staring at her for a moment longer, Bella shook her head and snorted before continuing on to the Great Hall.  "_Very_ funny."

Lily's smile stayed on as she replied, "_I_ thought it was."

"Yeah, well...listen, leave the comedy to McGonagall."

Lily frowned, puzzled.  "She isn't funny."

Bella shot Lily a look and said, "Exactly."

Letting her meaning sink in, Lily closed her eyes and laughed...actually laughed.  

They continued laughing all the way to the Great Hall, where they stayed up until midnight eating pudding and all manner of other sweets as they sang raucous Christmas carols...led, of course, by Dumbledore himself.  He had looked delighted to see them when they walked in, as did the few other students and the rest of the professors, and she could have sworn that most of the latter group had spent the first few surprised minutes focusing looks of profound appreciation on Arabella.  As the evening wore pleasurably on,  Lily found that thinking about her parents still made her feel sick to her stomach...but she also found that she thought about them much less in that few hours than she had all day.

She didn't know how she would ever return the favor to Bella...Lily didn't think there was anything she could do for her that would equal this demonstration of selfless loyalty.  It was, in all honesty, the best Christmas gift she could have given her...and she knew she would always remember it.

~~

On the morning of New Year's Day, a couple of days before everyone was scheduled to return from holiday, she went down to breakfast alone.   The night before, she and Bella had opted not to stay at the little assembly of students who wanted to celebrate the new year, but had made an appearance in order to steal a huge bagful of their food.  Lily still didn't know how they'd managed to avoid notice, but once they were in the dormitories they'd dumped the bag out on Helen's empty bed along with what remained of their Christmas candy and the seven or so bottles of the special occasion-only butterbeer they'd stolen from dinner.  They'd then proceeded to feast until their stomachs hurt and insisted they lie down and go to bed...at which point they stayed awake another three hours talking.   As a result, Bella was still sleeping soundly, and Lily just didn't have the heart to wake her.

The only reason she herself was awake was due to her recent bout of insommnia...she was having a lot of trouble getting to sleep lately and, once asleep, she had trouble staying asleep.  

Setting aside her copy of the Daily Prophet, she sprinkled more sugar into her bowl and picked up the newest edition of The London Times, which she never failed to have delivered to her at school.  Although the Prophet was a good paper, she sometimes felt that getting the other perspective presented her with the most rounded view of world news that she could get.  She was just about to deposit a spoonful of oatmeal in her mouth when her eyes fell upon the headline...and she almost dropped her spoon altogether.  Setting it down, she slowly reached out and picked up the Times so that she could hold it closer to her face...as though seeing it from less of a distance might change anything. 

_ANOTHER RURAL TOWN THE VICTIM OF UNEXPLAINED DISASTER_

Her heart sped up as she scanned the article...and then it felt like it was sticking to her ribs.  The signs were all the same...the houses and buildings that looked as though lightning had struck them, the inability of the authorities or any surviving townspeople to offer any explanation...it was just like before.  Even the paper said it...it mirrored the unexplained disaster that had wreaked itself upon a small town in Surrey a month ago.

Lily couldn't read any further...her eyes were surely turning red, and her chest felt as though it was on fire.  Throwing aside the Times for the moment, she snatched the Daily Prophet back up and nearly tore it apart turning pages.  She scanned page after page, reading the littlest, most insignificant headlines.  

Nothing.  There was no mention at all of the Muggle town's misfortune...even though it was _plainly_ another Death Eater attack.

In a whirlwind of anger and frustration, she stood swiftly and strode out of the Great Hall, leaving most of her things at the empty table.  Feeling strangely out of breath, the only sound she could hear was the sound of her heels clicking loudly on the stone floors of the abnormally empty corridor.  The sound seemed to do something to spur her on, and she reached Dumbledore's office before she'd even had a chance to think about what she wanted to say to him.  Raising her hand, she pet the nose of the statue which guarded the door, and after a few moments he answered by spinning around and moving aside to reveal the staircase.  Once she got to the actual door to the office, she raised her hand and knocked.

"Come in, Miss Evans!"

She shook her head...she didn't know how he'd known it was her.  Sometimes, she thought maybe Dumbledore knew everything.  Turning the heavy knob, she entered a bit uncertainly, but with her purpose intact.  "Sorry to bother you, Professor..."

"Nonsense," he interjected quietly, beckoning her to sit, "It's better that I have company so that I'm not tempted to go back to bed.  Quite a night last night...I haven't danced like that in years.  Only Flitwick managed to outpace me.  Now...what was it you wanted to see me about?"

Taking the chair he offered, she struggled to find a place to begin.  Suddenly she had a fear that possibly she'd read the whole situation wrong...but then her anger flared up again and she stamped that thought out.  Without saying anything, she simply set the copy of the Times she was still holding on his desk in front of her.  He looked at it for a moment, then reached over and pulled it towards him so that he could read it.  After a moment, he nodded his head and said,

"Yes...yes, I've seen this edition.  Read it last night, as a matter of fact."

A bit taken aback at the revelation that Dumbledore read Muggle newspapers, she nevertheless got to the point.  "Sir...that article...it's obvious what caused that destruction, isn't it?"

Dumbledore turned his blue eyes up to consider her for a split-second before answering, "I would say so.  And I imagine you've guessed right...as usual."

She shook her head.  "If it's so obvious to us, then...Professor, there's not even a blurb about it in the Prophet.  Why?  Do they actually consider it unworthy of the news?"

"No..."

"Do they think that because it's only a Muggle town that it doesn't warrant an investigation?"

"Believe me," he interrupted gently but firmly, leaning over his desk and handing her back the paper, "The Ministry is most assuredly sending their best aurors out there to look around.  Don't think that just because it isn't in the Prophet, the Ministry isn't taking the whole thing seriously."

She blew out a breath in confusion and asked, "But then why?"

 "The last thing the Ministry wants to do is cause a panic.  If the public were to read something like that in the Prophet..."

"So it's better to let everyone live in blissful ignorance, is that it?  Not knowing what's going on in the world around them?"

Dumbledore inclined his head.  "Something like that, yes."

She sighed and protested, "But how can people fight him if no one knows there's a threat?"

"Exactly my views on the subject.  In fact...I have always been under the impression," he said thoughtfully, "That Hogwarts produces some of the best students in the magical world.  Ones that really have...potential."

She frowned as she looked at him, wondering where he was going with this.  Tugging a little at his beard, he looked pensive for a moment more as though making a decision, and then went on, "I've been considering...there is an opportunity for these students to become more involved.  The Ministry has approached me to become more involved in the struggle against the dark forces, and I've accepted...but I told them that I see no reason why I shouldn't extend to my best students the chance to make a difference."

Lily's eyes widened.  "You mean...you're going to make an announcement about it?"

Waving his hand, he said, "No...invitations to participate will be very exclusive."

She leaned forward a bit, her attention caught and her chest constricting in excitement at his tone.  "What...what exactly would this be?"

"It would be...a kind of extracurricular program.  Taught by me, although I haven't taught a class in ages.  In it, we'd focus on highly advanced defense spells, cursebreaking...that kind of thing."

"Sir," she broke in, feeling like she wanted to shout, "It sounds like...like the early levels of auror training."

He smiled.  "That's exactly what it sounds like.  Would you be interested?"

"Yes!" she burst out, then checked herself with a slight flush and declared more quietly, "Yes, of course I would be.  It's...it's what I've been wanting to do...just the type of thing I was hoping I'd be able to get involved in.  Only, I didn't think it would be possible until _after_ Hogwarts..."

"Normally," he said, "It wouldn't.  However...well, desperate times and all.  I think it might be wise to begin a bit early...that way, if some decide it's not the path they would like to follow, they haven't wasted their time out of school."

Lily nodded in agreement, and they fell silent for a moment.  Her mind wandering all over the place, she couldn't help wondering what they would be asked to do in this class, and how often it would meet.  She was dying to ask him, but somehow she sensed that he would tell her everything whenever it was that he decided to tell all the others who would be involved.  It wouldn't be completely fair for her to know everything in advance.  

"Was there anything...else, Miss Evans?"

She looked up, startled out of her reverie.  "Oh...no.  That was all.  Thank you, Professor."

He nodded and handed her back her newspaper, and she stood up to take her leave with a small smile.  Just before she walked out the door, however, he called her name.  She turned, stalling with her hand on the doorframe.  He smiled at her and asked,

"Would you please ask Miss Figg if she would be kind enough to come and see me at some point today?"

Lily felt her spirits lift considerably.  He was going to ask Arabella to join as well, and it was no wonder...she had been one of the names mentioned when everyone had been trying to decide who was likely to get picked as Head Girl.  She would have been a prefect, too...but she'd always politely refused the badge.  All in all, although Bella would have been an excellent disciplinarian due to the fact that most were intimidated by her, she preferred to worry about herself and the people she held dear.  Nothing more.

"I will, sir.  And...Professor Dumbledore?"

He was still looking at her.  "Yes, Miss Evans?"

She hesitated only a moment before she said, "I...would like to remain Head Girl.  That is...if it's not too late to change my mind."

His eyes smiled at her as he said solemnly, "The position has not yet been filled...and I, for one, am very relieved to hear you've decided not to resign."

She could hardly believe the change of heart she felt about it, but she was relieved herself.  "Me too, sir."

He did smile then, and she returned it before walking out of his office and down the stone steps leading to the corridor, and her heart felt ten times lighter...for the moment, at least.  This was all she could hope for, and she was happy with it.  She practically sprinted up the stairs to her dorm and, breathlessly pushing open the door, she found Arabella awake and frowning at one of the library books she'd had piled on the floor by her nightstand.

"What _is_ all this?" she asked, her voice reflecting her immense disgust.

"Oh, this...it's something I've been working on.  Listen..."

"Working?" Arabella interrupted, looking up at her,  "I knew it.  No wonder you hid them under your bed."

"What do you mean, 'hid them'?" Lily protested, momentarily forgetting why she'd rushed up there in the first place,  "These are _not_ hidden!  I keep them there so they're within reach while I'm lying in bed, that's all."

"Yeah, right...I swear, it's impossible for you to take a break!"

Lily sighed frustratedly and, rushing forward, snatched the book from Bella's startled hands.  Throwing it on top of the pile with a dull thud, she began, "Listen, will you?  I've got something to tell you."

Her excitement piqued Bella's interest enough so that she dropped the conversation they'd been having and simply remained silent, waiting for Lily to speak.  Her cheeks flushed, Lily obliged and explained,  "I've just been to see Dumbledore...he wants to see you in his office sometime today about joining a class he's teaching."

"What?"

"It's about auror training, I guess...he said all would be explained in class the first day.  I..."

"Auror training?  That's pretty intensive."

"I know...I think that's the point.  Anyway, he's only picking a handful of students, and he asked me to tell you..."

Before Lily could finish, Arabella grabbed her dressing robe off her bed and shoved her arms into it as she made for the door.  Lily turned and stared after her, astonished.  "Where are you going?"

Arabella didn't look around as she pulled the door open and replied, "To see Dumbledore, like you said."

'But...you're in your nightdress!" Lily called out weakly.  From down the corridor, she heard Bella call,

"I have my dressing gown on!"

Lily was left with nothing to do but sit on her bed and wait.  In the meantime, she pondered all the things that this class could mean for her, personally...she had no idea what it was really going to be about, and for all she knew it was just going to be a theory class.  Or, mostly, anyway.  Still, she supposed it would give her a sense of getting something done...of doing some good.  Maybe it would help fill the emptiness.

She had no illusions that it would fill it completely...but maybe nothing ever would.

Before she could get to thinking about all that, though, Bella came bursting through the door again, a tad out of breath from running back.  She was smiling slightly as she announced, "I'm in."

Lily grinned and said, "Yes...I reckoned you would be."

"He didn't really say anything about it...just that I'd understand what it was about when I walked into class on Friday."

"I know," Lily affirmed, "He said basically the same thing to me."

Bella walked over and threw herself onto her bed.  Propping her chin on her hands, she ruminated, "I wonder who else is going to be asked?"

Lily shrugged.  "Well, Potter."

Bella pulled a face and said, "Is there any point in hoping you're wrong?"

Shaking her head and allowing a faint smile to tug at the corners of her mouth, she replied, "Nope."

"But maybe his disciplinary record will stop him."

Lily rolled her eyes.  "It didn't stop him from becoming Head Boy!  Anyway, it doesn't matter what he does...it doesn't change the fact that he's brilliant."

Bella frowned darkly.  "Aren't you exaggerating?"

"No.  I'm not."

Faced with such bluntness, Arabella had little more choice for response than to say, "Well...he's no more brilliant than you are."

"Oh, yes he is...everything is effortless to him.  I have to work for the marks."

"So what?"

"Bella," she said firmly, not wanting to open this particular can of worms, "I'd rather not talk about this.  Can we move on?"

Arabella sighed and said, "Fine.  I still think you're wrong."

"Well, look...he probably _should_ be in this training.  He'll make a great auror one day."

"_You'll_ make a great auror one day, too!"

"Well, that's why Dumbledore asked me to participate!  Can we please move on?"

"Alright, alright!" 

Lily glanced over at the empty bed in the room and commented, "Probably not Helen, huh?"

Arabella looked over there as well and shook her head.  "No...not enough leadership quality.  She won't care, though...this isn't her type of thing."

Lily agreed, and soon the rest of the afternoon was being filled with talk about the class.  The anticipation they both shared to get started and see what it was all about was palpable, and they discussed it well into the evening.  By the time they went to bed, Lily was almost tired enough to fall asleep...she'd been having trouble sleeping lately.  Unfortunately, it took a couple of hours for her to drop off, and she woke the next morning fairly unrefreshed.

All too soon, and yet not soon enough, the day came when the holidays ended and the corridors of Hogwarts were filling up again as students returned to Hogwarts.  As the school began to regain its usual level of noise, Lily found that she was somewhat relieved to have things getting back to normal again.  That afternoon, they were sitting in the dorms waiting for Helen when Arabella suddenly asked,

"Hey...what about Head Girl?"

Lily blinked at her and repeated, "Head Girl?"

"Yeah," Bella nodded, "You said before the break that you were going to give it up..."

"Oh, that," Lily interrupted, feeling slightly foolish for having been so hasty to publicize a rash decision, "Well...I changed my mind.  I'm keeping the position."

Bella's eyes brightened almost imperceptibly and she said simply, "Oh, good."

They sat in silence for a beat, and then suddenly Bella muttered condescendingly, "Imagine what would happen to Potter if you quit...he'd have to do his own work.  I don't know if he'd be able to stand it."

Lily laughed, and then sobered as she thought more about James Potter.  "Bella...I should actually go and tell him in person I'm not quitting.  He was the one person who tried to talk me out of it, you know."

"Are you a masochist or something?" Arabella quipped snidely, sliding off her bed and kneeling beside her trunk, "Well, while you do that I'm going to finish unpacking..."

"You mean to tell me you haven't unpacked yet?"

Bella shot her a look that said she didn't want to hear it and, ignoring her question, asked, "Want to meet me in an hour for dinner?  I'm sure Helen'll be back by then."

Lily agreed and went to find James, hoping he had already come back on that first train.  At the bottom of the stairs she ran into Remus, who was carrying his trunk up to the dorms.  He smiled warmly when he saw her.  "Hi, Lily...had a nice holiday?"

She smiled and nodded, even though it was a partial lie, and replied, "You?"

He shrugged.  "It was alright.  I was a bit sick, but other than that it was fine."

"Sick?" she frowned, concerned, "Are you alright now?"

He nodded.  "Yes...it was just a flu or something.  I'm over it."

"Glad to hear it.  Listen, have you seen James around?"

He raised his eyebrows.  "Prongs?  Oh, he's...erm...out.  I don't really know where he went, but...well, I'd imagine he'll be back in a couple hours."

Lily bit her tongue as she unexpectedly felt a nasty retort come up her throat.  She didn't have to be a genius to figure this one out...and it felt somehow comforting to know that some things never changed.  

"Right," she said finally to Remus, "Well, I'll just wait for him to come back, then.  As long as I know that he's somewhere on the grounds."

Remus nodded, but didn't proceed right away up the stairs.  After a moment, he asked in a low voice, "So...you're still Head Girl, then?"

She was momentarily taken aback by the question, and then she felt silly for it.  Of course he would know...they probably all did.  "I...decided not to give up yet."

He smiled at her and said quietly, "Good.  You shouldn't."

It was a simple statement, but he spoke it with such quiet meaning that she felt strangely touched by it.  She considered that perhaps she was just more emotional than usual lately...with good reason, but she still didn't want to be in a place where she didn't know which reactions were normal and which weren't.  Smiling at him, she replied, "Thanks."

He nodded, then stood aside so that she could go around him down the stairs as he told her again, "Right, well...James should be back soon, I would think.  He, um...didn't say one way or the other, but..."

"That's alright," she interrupted, not wanting him to feel like he had to explain or glaze over anything, "I'll just wait in the common room.  If he's not back within the next hour, I'll just talk to him after dinner, that's all."

With that they parted ways and Lily went into the common room to find it almost empty.  Noting with some unwarranted annoyance that someone was already sitting in her favorite chair, she considered how she might have to readjust to everything...now that the student population was back.  Picking out another seat, she made herself comfortable and opened the book she'd brought down with her.  She decided that she'd simply see what happened first – either James would come back or Arabella would come down on her way to dinner in an hour.  

After she'd been reading for about a quarter of an hour, the portrait hole opened and she looked up to see Helen climbing through with her things.  Standing, Lily made her way over to her friend and was greeted with a warm smile and a hug.  

"It feels like I've been away for _ages_.  How was your holiday?"

"Quiet," Lily replied, choosing to leave certain more complex things for later, "Which is just how I wanted it to be.  Yours?"

"Oh, it was alright," Helen said, looking around and putting her gloved hands up to her flushed cheeks, "I was thinking about you the entire time...wishing that I'd insisted you come home with me."

Lily smiled.  "You _did_ insist."

Helen looked at her regretfully.  "Yes, but you didn't come."

"I know," Lily acknowledged, "But I wouldn't have, no matter how hard you tried to convince me.  Honestly, it wasn't a very good holiday for me..."

"Well, understandably, Lily..."

"Right...but I wouldn't have wanted to bring anyone else down.  Believe me, I preferred to stay.  Anyway, Bella ended up coming back, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been."

"Oh, thank God.  I was hoping she would...how did she get here?  The trains weren't running, I checked."

"The Knight Bus, I think."

Helen nodded, apparently deciding not to press the matter further, and Lily asked her if she needed help upstairs.  She declined, assuring Lily that her trunk wasn't heavy in the least now that there were no presents in it.  Once Helen had disappeared up the stairs, Lily turned to go and sit back down when the portrait hole opened right in front of her and James Potter walked through.  He spotted her almost immediately and she approached him before he could walk away, holding her book to her abdomen.

"Welcome back," she greeted mildly, and he nodded in return and gave her a half-smile.  His eyes, however, were discreetly studying her face as though trying to read her expression.  She decided it would be best to get right to the point.  

"I've done a lot of thinking over the holidays," she explained quietly so that no one else could eavesdrop, "And I've decided that I'm not going to give up the position after all."

He stared at her for a moment before blinking and replying flatly, "Yeah...I know."

She frowned.  "You know?"

He shrugged and gave her a look that said she must be slightly out of her mind.  "Well, come on...it would have been a stupid thing to do."  

He paused for a moment as though waiting for her to do something and then finished bluntly, "Like I told you."

She regarded him warily...she wasn't sure if he was _trying_ to sound like a prat or if he was truly unaware of just how arrogant he sounded.  He didn't seem to be angry at her, or frustrated...in fact, as she'd noted before, his face seemed almost completely blank...as though he simply wasn't all that interested in what she was telling him.  She pulled herself out of her thoughts and chose to simply pretend she wasn't a bit offended at his attitude...no sense starting something.  She just wasn't up to it.

"Well...anyway, I just wanted to let you know.  Things will be getting back to normal now, hopefully."

He nodded slightly and replied, "Good."

Again, she was left to simply stare at him and wonder that he could be so deaf to his own tone...although maybe he wasn't.  Maybe he knew exactly how he sounded, but didn't care in this particular instance.  After all, she'd rarely dealt with him in situations when they weren't sniping at each other, so for all she knew she was now seeing the James Potter everyone else had to deal with...and if she were honest with herself, she was slightly relieved that he didn't seem to be treating her with kid gloves, as she was afraid he might do at first.  At least she was familiar with the idea of not liking him very much, even if she couldn't seem to muster the loathing she'd felt before everything had happened.

"Anything else?" he asked, interrupting her train of thought.  She shook her head, willing herself not to start ruminating over all that right there in front of him, and raised her eyebrows just slightly as she replied,

"Nope...that's it."

"Right, well...see you later, then."

With that, he walked past her and bounded up the stairs, leaving her staring after him.  As unprepared as she was acting, she had to admit that it hadn't been totally unexpected.  She supposed she just assumed that he had changed a bit since fifth year...but perhaps that would teach her to make assumptions.  Shaking her head and smiling a bit, she thought that maybe he only regressed when he was speaking with her, and the idea was somehow funny.  At that moment, Arabella came bounding down the stairs, her black hair tied up at the crown of her head.  Helen followed, her blonde curls tied up in the same manner as Bella's...but Lily couldn't think of two girls who looked more different.

"What's the matter with you?" Bella asked as she noted with suspicion the smile on Lily's face.  Lily shook her head and replied,

"Nothing...I was just thinking about something."

Bella nodded, her eyes scanning Lily's face for a moment more, and then asked, "Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah...just now."

"Right...at least you got it over with.  So...want to eat?"

Lily nodded and led the way out of the portrait hole and down to the Great Hall.  They had a nice dinner in which Lily felt more herself than she had since it had happened.  She still carried a constant lead ball in her stomach, dreading the moment when her sorrow would overcome her again, but at least now she wasn't incapacitated by it and was able to carry on as close to usual as she could manange.

So far, most of her thoughts had been taken up with those of the new defense class.  The only ones she knew for sure had been talked to about it were herself and Bella.  She found herself considering Arabella academically since she'd gone to Dumbledore's office that day to tell him she would be willing to participate, and it was something Lily was a bit surprised to find she hadn't done often in the time they'd known each other.  Lily found herself silently observing her as they sat in Charms one day, and she tried her best to be subtle about it while still pay some attention to Professor Flitwick.

Although her reputation preceeded her most of the time and it wasn't the first thing that came to mind when her name was mentioned, Arabella Figg was one of the most brilliant Defense Against the Dark Arts students Lily had ever seen.  She didn't make it widely known...anyone who knew Bella well knew that she was actually a fairly private person.  She never voluteered information in class, she never felt the need to show off...and when called upon to answer a question, she answered it simply and to the point.  Needless to say, much of their spare time over the following days was spent speculating on this class and what it was going to be like.  Dumbledore hadn't given them any information...not even who else was going to be asked to be involved.

Nevertheless, Lily had a pretty good idea...she glanced up just in time to see James Potter walking past her on his way out at the end of class.  He looked down and their eyes met for a second before he continued on out the door.  They had a meeting later to add up their points, and she was dying to see whether or not he would mention anything.  She was sure he'd been asked, or if he hadn't already then he was going to be approached.  It had always pained her to grudgingly admit to herself that he had a brilliant mind...and it was unlike anything she had seen in anyone else.  Students like Arabella and even Lily herself had a strong subject, one they excelled in above any other without much effort.  In other classes they had to work for the marks...they had to study and sweat and stress like everyone else.  The only difference between Lily and anyone else was the fact that she was more willing to put herself through hell to stay at the top of her own form...that was why she was Head Girl.  

James was different.  She walked slowly out of the classroom, the last one out, and caught sight of him standing in the corridor talking with a large group of people which included the rest of the Marauders, Anne Ball and her friends.  They were all laughing, and he was leaning against the wall as he told some story.  James was not like her...it was a though that kept coming back to haunt her.  He didn't have to study.  He didn't have to work.  Not only that, but even though everyone knew he was close to a prodigy when it came to Transfiguration, he had the ability to excel in all the other subjects without effort as well.  Lily turned and walked away, leaving the boisterous group behind her.  She knew in the recesses of her mind that at least a part of her dislike for James Potter was sparked by jealousy, and the thought never failed to cause a feeling of discomfiture within her for being so trite.  She knew it was wrong, and that he could no more choose the abilities he was born with than she could...but she also knew that she would give anything to have her mind work the same as his...if only for a week, so that she could rest and not feel the guilty compulsion she always felt to get back on her toes.  With this thought in mind, she walked somewhat gloomily back to the Tower to put away her things and do a bit of reading before dinner.

Later that day, she was gathering her things in an attempt to tidy up her section of the dorm and her eyes fell upon the title of her latest piece of reading material – _Great Aurors of the Nineteenth Century_.  Sighing, she picked it up and ran her hand over the cover, upon which was emblazoned the crest of the International Federation of Aurors.  As she spent more time reading about aurors, she became more discouraged with the idea of becoming one.  Defense Against the Dark Arts wasn't even close to her best subject, and it was becoming increasingly clear that aurorship required a certain natural talent.  Setting the book down, she looked up and caught sight of the clock on Helen's bedside table...it was already a quarter after seven.  It didn't strike her until a moment later that today was Wednesday and she was supposed to be in the library, but when it did she gasped loudly and grabbed her bag as she bolted out the door.  Once in the library, out of breath and hot in the face, she looked across the room and saw James Potter already seated at her usual table.  Feeling an idiot, she hurried over and set her books down across from him.

"Sorry I'm late," she said apologetically, and he shrugged and replied,

"It's no problem."

"I was just cleaning my room, and I lost track of time...I didn't even remember it was Wednesday right away..."

She was looking him in the eye as she explained, and she stopped short as she caught what was clearly a spark of pity ignite in his eyes for a split second before disappearing again.

"Don't worry about it, really," he said, and before she could respond he asked, "Here, give me half of your notes.  I'm finished with mine, and we'll get through quicker."

She felt her mouth tighten for a moment...she didn't need pity.  She didn't want it.  She answered him a bit more curtly than she'd intended, "I don't need any help.  If you're in a rush, you can just go."

His brows furrowed almost imperceptibly before he gave his head a quick jerk to the side as though stretching his neck and replied simply, "Fine.  I'm through, then...here's my half.  See you later."

With that, he stood up and walked out of the library, giving a small wave to a smiling Mrs. Hoodwinkle as he did.  Lily stared after him for a moment and then gave her eyes a little roll.   It was her own fault...she'd been late.  Still, it seemed that no matter what, she couldn't seem to break out of the habit of watching his retreating back as he left her to do her work. 

~~

When Lily and Arabella walked into the designated classroom on Friday night, the first day of Dumbledore's class, they stopped short and whatever they had been saying died on their lips as they looked around.  The room was filled with people...and she didn't recognize any of them.

"Are you sure this is it?" Arabella asked dubiously, looking around.   For a moment, Lily was honestly unsure.  She'd expected to walk into a room of no more than fifteen students...but not only were there probably over thirty people there, but she didn't see any students at all.  

"I don't know," she told Arabella truthfully, "But...it _has_ to be.  Doesn't it?"

Before Bella could reply, Lily caught sight of someone waving at her...it was Remus Lupin. He was sitting next to James, who had Sirius Black on his other side.  The other two hadn't noticed them come in, and they seemed to be involved in a conversation of their own.  Lily nodded at Remus to show she'd spotted him and said to Arabella,

"Look...there's Remus.  At least now we know we're in the right room...let's go and sit over there."

Bella didn't answer, but merely followed her as she weaved her way through the people who were standing at the back.  It was as though she was trying to navigate her way through an obstacle course, as everywhere you turned there were more faces, more tables, more chairs.  Finally, she made it over to where he was sitting, and he stood up as they approached.

"Hi," he greeted, "I thought you'd be here.  Here, have a seat..."

He indicated two empty chairs beside him, and Lily wasted no time taking one...she didn't know how long they would last once people started finding their places.  Arabella sat down on her other side and leaned across the table to address Remus, her dark brows furrowed.

"What is all this?  Do you know?" 

Lily looked over at him as he shook his head.  "No idea...we were just talking about it.  I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think this is going to be bigger than we thought."

Bella gave her eyebrows a slight quirk as she slowly nodded, allowing her eyes to scan the faces around her.  Lily did the same as she asked Remus, "Has Dumbledore been here yet?"

"No, not yet.  We only just got here, really...about five minutes before you did."

"Hey," Bella exclaimed softly, "There's Sophie Spaulding...isn't she a Slytherin?"

Lily found herself surprised at first at the idea of a Slytherin being there, and then mentally chastized herself...why should there be anything that said they couldn't?  She had to be careful or she was going to fall into the trap of reverse discrimination.  "Yeah...I think so.  I see Tim Connelley over there, too."

Tim was a seventh-year Hufflepuff whom Lily knew very well...he was a prefect, and they'd always seen things in much the same way.  He caught her eye as she looked at him and gave her a little wave.  She smiled in return before taking a moment to note her surroundings...and as she did, she couldn't help feeling slightly awestruck.  The room was one she'd never been in before...huge and round, with a ceiling that went up so high she was sure it must be magically enhanced.  The tables at which they were seated were curved around a center-section, which was raised slightly above the floor level.  On this platform sat a massive wooden desk with all kinds of papers and clutter on it.  In short, it was probably the most intimidating classroom she'd ever seen.

            This impression was lessened a bit a few seconds later as Dumbledore himself entered the room through what was apparently an invisible door on the other side, whistling slightly as he approached his chair.  Looking around at everyone, his blue eyes twinkled as he greeted, 

            "So glad to see you all made it.  I was afraid for a moment that the other door was also invisible...obviously I was concerned for nothing. If you'll just give me a moment to get organized...I haven't been in this position for quite some time, and I'm a bit out of practice." 

Dumbledore then came around to stand in front of the desk, his hands clasped behind his back.  The room hushed, and the stragglers who hadn't yet taken their seats did so hurriedly so as not to hold up the proceedings.  Suddenly Lily felt a rush of excitement, sitting there in the completely still room which only seconds before had been buzzing with conversation and activity.  She chanced a look around and found that every eye in the room was trained on the headmaster, everyone was practically holding their breath waiting to find out what it was all going to be about.  Lily turned back to look at him as well, as eager as anyone else...possibly more so.

"Several weeks ago, the Minister of Magic approached me about doing a series of lectures for his top aurors...to better prepare them for what was to come.  He seemed to think that my experience would be an invaluable asset to them as this...situation progresses.  In short, he wanted me to train them for combat.  I, in turn, suggested that we carry the idea a bit further and extend the invitation to aurors in training as well…after all, they need the experience more than the Ministry's top-trained aurors.  Not only that, but I felt that what we truly wanted to accomplish would take more time and work than a mere few lectures would cover.  Therefore, I suggested a class...a sort of training program.  And, as my first duty is, as always, to the students of this school, I have extended the invitation even further...to my top ten students."

            He began to walk back and forth across the platform as he spoke, addressing all sections of the rounded room in turn.  "No matter what level you have achieved in your studies or professional lives, you are all here because you feel it is important that something be done about the current, little known state of events...a state which has been carefully hidden from the public to avoid causing a panic.  However, the Ministry is not blind to the danger...they are doing all they can to fight it, and this is why the Minister approached me to get involved." 

            He paused here and stood still again in the center, only his eyes moving across the room now.  Lily's breathing slowed to about half its normal rate as she sat there, watching him.  His eyes...she'd always been fascinated with Dumbledore's eyes.  They were so blue they were almost unnatural, as though all the great power she knew he held – all the magic – was stored in his eyes alone.  Lily wondered how many other battles, how much death, those eyes had seen.  A shudder ran through her...she hated that word.  Death.  Suddenly she began to realize that the mere act of sitting through this class was going to be harder than she'd originally anticipated.

            Her chest began to hurt a little, and so she focused on what he was saying.

            "The truth is that an enemy has declared war upon us.  Day by day the situation worsens.  People have already become sacrifices...more people than you probably realize unless you read the non-magical newspapers, or you have been assigned to the cleanup.  There are aurors here tonight, professionals, who know exactly what I mean.  You have seen it with your own eyes...entire villages destroyed, families torn apart and left homeless.  Hundreds have been killed already...and there will be more casualties before it's all over."

            Lily felt as though he was talking to her, as though she was alone in the room with him.  Even though he wasn't looking at her, she felt as though he had some inner eye turned on her as his words slowly kindled an emotion in her that she hadn't truly felt in abundance since her parents' deaths...anger.  It licked at her insides, and it began to overshadow the grief...it was the first time anything had ever managed to do that.  She felt Bella's leg touch hers and looked over at her...she was eyeing Lily with a slightly concerned look on her face.  Lily noticed then that her fists were balled up so hard where they were resting on top of the table that her knuckles were white, and she was breathing a bit heavily.  She nodded at Bella to silently indicate that she was alright and turned her attention back to Dumbledore.

            She didn't want to miss a single word.  He conjured something then, and the awful feeling in the pit of her stomach worsened as she realized what it was...it was a newspaper.  More specifically, it was The London Times.

            "This is one of the aforementioned Muggle newspapers...one of the most prestigious.  It is the equivalent to our Daily Prophet.  I was planning on reading a passage aloud to you, but I have since arranged something more effective.  I have invited a speaker here tonight to share with you his experiences, and hopefully you will leave this room tonight with a greater appreciation for the gravity of the situation."

            As he said this, a man stood up who had been sitting unnoticed in the back of the room.  Lily felt a chill of recognition as she watched him walk to the front...his face was pale and his eyes slightly empty, although she could see a myriad of complex emotions swirling below the surface.  It was the same thing she saw when she looked in the mirror every day, and suddenly she was afraid to hear what he had to say.  Shaking hands with Dumbledore, he turned to the people assembled in the room and took a deep breath before quickly introducing himself and beginning,

            "I was there on the night of the last attack...the town of Ardley.  I am not a wizard...I'm not even what you'd call a Squib.  I have no ability whatsoever to use magic of any kind, and it's only by the express permission of Albus Dumbledore that I am even able to see this castle, let alone be allowed inside."

            A slight murmur of surprise went through the class at this revelation, but they soon grew silent again as the man continued to explain himself.  "My brother was born a wizard...he works at the Ministry now.  That's how I came to be here tonight...and that's why there was no memory charm performed on me the night of the attack.  I almost wish..."

            He trailed off then, and when he continued a moment later it was at one-tenth his previous volume.  "I almost wish I had asked them to do one on me anyway...I hate thinking about that night.  The newspapers report on it as thoroughly as they can...but as you can see, they don't know much.  There's no one who remembers, and those who do are forbidden from speaking about it."

            To Lily's horror, the man's eyes began to sparkle with unshed tears...and soon his face became blurred as her eyes followed suit.  She quietly lifted a hand to her mouth as she leaned further over the table, every nerve in her body focused on what he was saying.  He was about to tell her...about to describe how it was.  How it had happened...what it had been like.  Her emotions were at war within her...she wanted the rest of the people in the room to leave so that she could talk to the man by herself.  She wanted everyone in the world to hear his story.  She wanted to beg him to spit it out...and at the same time the urge to throw her hands over her ears and stop herself from hearing it was almost overwhelming.  In the end, she could do little more than sit there silently and stare.

            He swallowed hard before launching into the description.  As he spoke, his eyes stared vacantly ahead, as though he was watching it happen all over again...and as he retold the tale, his face twisted slightly.  

            "There was no warning...not one out-of-the-ordinary sound.  We were sleeping, and had been for hours.  Suddenly my wife shook me awake...I thought she was going to tell me she was having the baby.  Then I saw her face, and I knew it was something else.  That's when I heard it...the shouting..."

            He paused for only a moment.   Lily's heart was hammering so hard it was hurting her, and she felt as though her stomach was vibrating.  If it hadn't been for the fact that she was desperate to hear what this man had to say, she would have excused herself to go and be sick. He went on, 

"I ran to the window and looked out onto the street...it was pandemonium.  There were people running all over the place...people I recognized, and strange figures wrapped in what looked like black sheets.  I didn't register what I was seeing until I watched one older woman fall...she'd tripped on the hem of her nightgown.  Before she could even begin to lift herself back up, one of the dark figures pointed something at her...he yelled something I didn't understand, and then she was screaming in pain.  I didn't wait to see the rest...I grabbed my wife and ran downstairs, toward the back door and out into the garden.  She kept asking me what was happening, what I'd seen...I couldn't stop to explain.  It had all come back to me in a flash...what my brother had told me weeks before.  The Deatheaters."

            The word hit her like a bucket of ice water being poured over her head.  Cold dread spread through her.  She realized with half her wits that she was hurting herself as her fingernails dug into her cheek.  Removing her hand from her mouth and folding both of them in front of her, she waited for him to go on...even while dreading it at the same time.

            "I dragged her to the shed and shoved her inside an old set of cupboards we'd removed from the kitchen a few years back...I was sure we were going to lose the baby.  There wasn't any room for me, so I went to the window to make sure no one had seen us.  From where I was, I could see a bit of the street beyond the house.  I saw the old woman...she was lying there, not moving.  Her nightgown was bunched up around her waist.  I don't know how I knew she was dead...I just knew.  There were flashes all over the place, it looked like lightning.  People in pain...it...it was truly horrific."

            He took a shaky breath and recalled, "It wasn't until it was almost over that I witnessed a murder...I saw how it was done.  It looked painless...but it was absolute.  A flash of green light and a whirring sound...and then the man just dropped like a fly who'd been swatted.  It was so simple.  So brutal...I...I know I'll never forget it."

            Again he paused, and Lily knew at that moment that she shouldn't have listened.  She didn't want to know...she didn't want to be able to picture it in her head.  Her eyes were stinging and her mouth was dry as she tried to keep herself in check...in her mind now, the man he was describing was her Dad.  The green light, the noise...it replayed over and over in her brain like a broken record.  She'd never purge that image from her mind, not as long as she lived.

            "A long time after the noises had stopped, I told my wife to stay put while I went out to see.  I'll...I'll never forget how it looked.  There was smoke everywhere, coming from houses that had been destroyed...the store that had been on the corner of our street was rubble.  I saw my neighbor kneeling on the ground...he was holding his son in his arms.  There were bodies everywhere...it looked like a battlefield.  There wasn't any blood.  Just death."

            He lifted his chin a bit now and concluded, "Not fifteen minutes later, Ministry officials came in dressed as police.  They began questioning people, asking for description...but none of the survivors could clearly describe what had happened.  They were at a loss...they had no idea what it had all been about.  There were some who hadn't been killed, just tortured...they were too sick to talk.  Then...then the Ministry started the memory charms."

            Lily's eyes widened as she realized what he was going to say before he even said it, and the thought was almost too much to bear.

            "It was the most chilling thing I've ever witnessed.  The minute the mediwizards began pulling out their wands, it didn't matter anymore what they were saying...the people didn't listen to their assurances.  All they saw were those wands, and they fell into blind panic.  People started screaming again, running for their lives...they had to be held down, forced to stand still.  Finally, the aurors simply cast some spell on everyone so that they could finish up...but even if those poor people couldn't move, their eyes still spoke volumes."

            He bit his lip and then finished quietly, "I don't know how many of you have looked into the eyes of someone who is sure they're about to die...but if you'd seen what I saw...what I still see every night in my nightmares...you'd want to give everything you have to put a stop to all this."

            With that, he turned and nodded at Dumbledore and, twisting his cap in his hands, started to go back to his seat.  Before he could get all the way back there, however, a woman spoke up.  "Sir?"

            He turned, a bit taken aback.  She shook her head and stammered in a small voice, "Did...did you lose the baby?"

            His features softened a bit as he replied, "No...no, we didn't."

            The girl breathed a sigh of relief, and he nodded at her and continued back to his seat.  Now Dumbledore had taken over, and all eyes were back on him.

             "This class is an advanced course for those training to become aurors.  It will be challenging, no matter what your current level.  You must be prepared to give it everything you have...your time, your patience, and your skill.  We will be studying very advanced defense augmented with charms, transfiguration, potions...almost all magical subjects will be covered, and some non-magical ones, too.  We will be doing physical work, experimental work...practicing curses, combat procedures, dueling techniques.  We will study theory until our brains are saturated with it, and then put it to action until we are capable of performing the spells in our sleep.  We will hear guest speakers from all walks of life and all professions."

            He paused then, and after a moment finished, "It will not be easy by any means...if at any time, anyone decides that this is not the best way for them to contribute to the effort...they are welcome to step away.  No one would think worse of them for doing so.  The purpose of this class is to teach you that you must learn to be great before you can do great things."

            He stopped then and walked back around to the other side of the desk, gathering his things.  Looking up once more, his eyes softer than they'd been as he'd made his introductory speech, he finished, "A great Muggle leader once said that the chain of destiny must be grasped one link at a time.  This is the first link on your chain...and you have to begin somewhere.  Anyone who is still interested should meet back in this room on Monday night at the same time.  I will field any and all questions you may still have at that time.  Otherwise...thank you for coming, and try to enjoy the weekend.  I hear the weather is going to be atrocious, but...personally, I like a good snowstorm."

            With that, he turned and walked out the same door through which he'd entered the room, leaving everyone in complete and utter silence.  For a moment nobody seemed to move, let alone speak...it was as though his words were hanging over them even though he was physically gone from the room.  Finally, some people started to shuffle around, and Lily felt Bella grab her hand and pull gently, eager to get out before the crowd began moving.  Lily nodded dumbly...she could barely think straight, let alone make decisions.

            After some squeezing around people who were already standing, they finally got out the door and proceeded down the corridor to Gryffindor Tower.  The Marauders had followed them out and were now walking behind them.  Everyone was uncharacteristically silent.  Lily barely noticed that even the Marauders seemed too overwhelmed to talk amongst themselves.  As she had this thought, however, she glanced inadvertently at Remus...and caught him staring at her before he quickly averted his eyes.   Suddenly, the silence felt oppressive.  The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she realized why no one was saying anything...it was because of her.  

            No one wanted to talk about it in front of her.

            Lily felt a wave of fatigue hit her as they approached the portrait hole, and although the idea that everyone was at such a loss as to how to act around her at the moment bothered her slightly, she was too worn out to really dwell on it for now.  Remus took it upon himself to step forward and give the Fat Lady the password, and they all trudged inside.  She was exhausted...but she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she'd never be able to fall asleep tonight.  She was frightened of what she would see if she did.

            She knew her dreams would be plagued with hideous flashes of green light, and amplified by echoing screams.

            "I think I'm going to bed," Lily said to Bella as the others went to sit in the corner by the window.  Bella frowned and asked in a quiet voice,

            "Are you alright?"

            "Yes, I'm fine...just tired," Lily assured, "Go on and fill Helen in on everything.  Wake me for breakfast, will you?"

            Bella nodded, seeing that Lily genuinely needed to be alone, and went over to where Helen was waiting.  Before Lily turned to go upstairs she glanced in the direction of the Marauders.  Lupin and Black were apparently recounting the events of the meeting to Pettigrew, gravely and quietly so that no one else could overhear.  Potter, however, was sitting on the window seat, his stance relaxed...and his eyes clouded in contemplation as he stared out onto the grounds. 

She knew, as she turned and trudged up the stairs, that her eyes would look just like that as she lay in bed trying desperately to fall asleep.

To Be Continued in Chapter Five

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.hiddentower.50megs.com


	6. Exhaustion

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces.  In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I just wanted to apologize for how long this chapter took to get out there.  I went through a lot of mental torment over it, and in the end decided (at Casca's urging) to cut a whole bunch off of the end and save it for the next chapter.  The bad news is that it makes this chapter just a wee bit shorter than others (by a couple of pages).  The good news is...the next chapter is already on it's way. :) Thanks to everyone who has been so patient with me, and happy reading.

**This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE.**

**Chapter Five: Exhaustion**

Somewhere in her overly-optimistic brain, Lily had thought that the worst of the crushing emptiness she felt when she thought about her Mum and Dad would be over when Arabella, Helen, and everyone else came back from the Christmas holidays and life went back to being semi-normal.  Over the following couple of days, not only did she find that she'd been wrong, but she also found that things seemed to only get worse. 

She hadn't anticipated that class...that speaker.  She hadn't anticipated that she would be provided with a clear idea of exactly what happened to her Mum and Dad that night...and the thought of it was making her life almost unbearable.  Although she was trying her hardest _not_ to think about it by throwing herself into her studies, she found that no matter what she did she couldn't escape or avoid that few moments everyone has to themselves just before they fall asleep.  Seeing as how she invariably couldn't keep from thinking about green light when those minutes came, the few minutes began stretching to several minutes, and then to countless minutes, and then to hours.  Before she knew it, she was prone to lying awake all night, beset upon by her thoughts and her quiet tears. This was when she was helpless to defend herself from every ache and every stab of loneliness that had been pushed away throughout the day.  She couldn't even say she was really crying... more just letting everything run out of her.  No sobs, no wailing...just her, the silence of the room, and her memories.

It usually ended with the sun slowly filling the room with orange light and her wearily getting up to shower and dress before heading to the common room to kill a couple of hours studying while she waited for everyone else to come down.  

Because of the fact that she wasn't sleeping at night, or when she was she was only awakened by nightmares of her parents getting murdered, she was consistently weighed down by her complete exhaustion at other times during the day.  Now, the lunch hour was always used to drag herself up to the dorms and fall, unconscious, into her bed.  After the hour was up she would pry her eyelids open and trudge to class with the rest of the school, only by then they'd eaten lunch and she hadn't.  She'd spend the afternoon starving until classes were over...at which point she would have to go to sleep again.  At the very least, she could always count on poor Arabella to come in and shake her awake so that she could drag her down to dinner...which Lily wouldn't eat much of because she always felt ill.   She could tell that her friends, and indeed many others, were worried sick about her...but she just couldn't straighten herself out.

"I've got to do something about this," she mumbled tiredly on Sunday evening as they were sitting in the Great Hall.  She was staring at the fish on her plate, stabbing it over and over with her fork and waiting for any kind of hunger at all to kick in.  It was futile, and she knew it...but she kept hoping.

"Lily," Helen said in a low, firm voice, "Just eat it.  Shove it in...you can't go on like this!  You'll waste away."

"I know," Lily agreed, sending her a pained look as Arabella reached across the table to fill her goblet.

"Here," she said quietly, "At least drink some juice."

Lily obeyed, feeling slightly encouraged that the cold pumpkin juice felt so good going down.  After she'd drained the goblet, Helen said, "I still don't see why she can't just get a sleeping draught from Madam Pomfrey."

"Neither do I," Arabella chimed in, her eyes boring into Lily's.  Lily simply shook her head again and replied,

"I've told you.  I just _can't_...she'd have to keep me there for a couple days, and I can't afford that.  I have N.E.W.Ts coming up, my head girl duties, and now this class..."

"Sod all that!" Bella said vehemently, "You have to think about your health!  I'll tell you, the N.E.W.Ts aren't going to matter much if you kill yourself."

Lily sighed heavily as she roughly crammed a forkful of rice into her mouth...it tasted like ash.  "You don't think I want to be normal again, Bella?  I lie in bed at night praying to fall asleep for just a couple hours!  I look at the food in front of me and wish I could just feel hungry enough to eat a few measley bites!  This is not normal...I _know_ it isn't."

"Alright..." Bella held up her hands in front of her, but Lily went on,

"I feel like I'm being pulled apart, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't be out of commission for two days...people are counting on me.  Besides, if you think that I could bear lying in that hospital wing by myself for any amount of time..."

"Okay, okay," Helen interjected, "You're right...the hospital is out.  But...well, at least promise you won't let yourself get really sick."

Lily took a breath and agreed, "Alright...I promise.  If it gets to be..."

She trailed off, searching for the right words...it felt like her brain was working at half it's normal speed.  Arabella took advantage of the momentary pause to point out grumpily, "If it _gets_ to be?  It IS 'to be'."

Helen glanced at her and smiled, then looked back at Lily and shook her head.  Lily couldn't help smiling as well, despite her rotten mood, and countered, "I can stand more than this.  If it gets to be bad enough that I can't stand it anymore and I don't think it'll just improve with time, I'll go to the nurse.  Alright?"

Both her friends nodded reluctantly, no doubt feeling as though they'd only half-won.

~~

The following day was Monday, and Lily spent it dreading going back into that classroom.  She had thought she'd had a good idea of what to expect before they'd attended the first one, but now she simply had no earthly idea what was in store.  That night, as she sat in amongst the students and aurors that had returned for the second class, she felt her inhibitions drain away slightly as she listened to everyone.  At the beginning of class, Dumbledore had invited them to ask him any and all questions they might have, or to voice any concerns that he might be able to assuage...or at least put in a less-grim perspective.  For some reason, Lily still felt a bit hesitant to participate...but it certainly wasn't for lack of interest.  Although still nursing her consistent headache, she felt more awake than she had all weekend.

"But if the Minister of Magic himself approved of all this," asked Hufflepuff Marlene McKinnon, her brows furrowed in concentration, "Then why would any of the aurors or apprentices that were here on Friday be afraid to return?"

Dumbledore sighed and replied wearily, "Sometimes it is not only reproof that people fear.  They could have been put off by the intensity of the first night, or they might feel that there is a better road for them somewhere else.  The latter of which, I might add, is a perfectly sound reason for deciding against continuing."

"Yes, it would be...except that to think there is any better preparation than this is complete bollocks," Tim Connelly put in sardonically, and everyone including Dumbledore chuckled. 

"You have quite an inordinate amount of faith in the effectiveness of a course you have only attended twice so far, Mr. Connelly."

Tim shrugged and replied, "That's because you've organized it, sir."

Dumbledore grew serious again and went on, "The truth is that while this class in and of itself may not be considered 'dangerous'...it will be training you to face peril that goes beyond anything you've ever seen before...and here I'm addressing the aurors.  As for the students, you must come to the realization that the class is a bit too advanced for you...but you must rise to the challenge if you want to take something away from the experience.  Many who are absent from our number tonight may have decided that it is simply too early to be going to such extremes."

"So in other words," came a voice from the back, and Lily turned to find that it belonged to Sirius Black, "It all comes down to whether or not the people who were here on Friday night considered that Muggle's story dire enough to warrant immediate action."

Dumbledore didn't reply, but his blue eyes answered Black's question very clearly.  Lily felt as though she'd suddenly been submerged in something vile, and her stomach sank at the feel of it.  He was right...the people who had not returned had obviously not thought the incident with the destroyed village was serious enough.  They apparently felt that the Ministry was overreacting to the situation.  On the heels of this realization came another hateful thought...but even as she thought it, she heard it being said aloud.

"If the man had been a wizard, and the town magical...it would have been different."

It was spoken as a statement of fact rather than a question.  Lily glanced over at James Potter...he was leaning almost casually back in his seat, brushing his quill along his chin pensively.  He looked completely calm, but as he looked at Dumbledore she could see his eyes radiating intellegence and shrewdness...and anger.  After a beat, he finished, "Wouldn't it?"

Also spoken as though he'd mentally ended the phrase with a period rather than a question mark.  Dumbledore raised his chin and looked at James through his glasses.  "You seem to know the answer to your question already, Mr. Potter."

"Is he wrong, though?"  This from an auror in training, her tone flat with resignation.

Dumbledore looked at her, and then back at James...who had now leaned forward over his desk and was looking the headmaster straight in the eye.  Dumbledore sighed again and replied, "I cannot say with any assurance that he is absolutely correct...but neither can I deny that your conclusion, Mr. Potter, is not very far from the one I came to upon walking into this room.  Before that, in fact...from the moment I contacted our speaker, I knew that some would have exactly the reaction you describe."

"But it won't remain confined to the Muggle world."

Lily was shocked to hear the words coming quietly from her own mouth...it was as though her own voice had surprised her.  She felt everyone's eyes on her, and whether it was her imagination or not, it made her feel suddenly as though she wanted to shrink to the size of the ink cap sitting on her desk.  She cast her eyes down to stare at her hands, resting in her lap, and then after another moment passed, she looked up and found Dumbledore looking at her.  He shook his head and agreed,

"No, it will not...however, some people choose not to react to anything until it affects them directly."

She wondered briefly if that's what all the others thought of her...if they thought that this was her motive for coming at all, because she'd had her life profoundly affected by all this.  Even though she knew perfectly well that this was not Dumbledore's meaning, she couldn't help feeling uncomfortable.

"Now," Dumbledore said, standing up, and Lily glanced surprisedly at her watch.  It was already almost nine-thirty...they'd been in there for two and a half hours.  It had seemed like a few minutes.  "This evening has, I hope, cleared up some of your more pressing questions.  You are always welcome to voice any future concerns you might have, no matter what is on the agenda each night, or to come to me personally.  Until Wednesday evening, then, when I hope to see you all back again.  There is...a project I will be assigning to the students among us, and you will receive the information concerning that next time."

They stood up and moved towards the door, but before Lily could leave she heard Dumbledore calling her back.  

"Miss Evans...may I have a moment, please?"

She glanced at Bella, who said quietly, "I'll wait outside."

Lily nodded and then walked a bit hesitantly back to Dumbledore's desk, where he stood gathering his things.  At her approach he straightened and turned to face her, his eyes kind as they roamed her face.  She didn't know what he was looking for or what he expected to find in her expression, but she had a strange desire to keep it as blank as she could.  She wasn't comfortable with the idea of anyone reading her thoughts...even Dumbledore.  

"Lily," he said quietly, and she was a bit surprised at his use of her first name, "I've spent the past week thinking about the first class, and what happened there...I wanted to apologize to you."

She started, then frowned up at him as she repeated, "Apologize to me?"

"Yes," he replied solemnly, "I asked that speaker to come here that night so that those in the class who weren't sure they wanted to be here, or who weren't going to be taking things as seriously as they should, would be shocked into realization.  During his speech, however, I happened to glance in your direction...and the look on your face made me feel that it was callous of me to fail to warn you."

"Sir," she interrupted, "You don't have to give me special treatment..."

"You are serious about this," he went on, not allowing the interruption, "And I knew that before I even asked you to participate.  You didn't need to hear what that man had to say in order to understand what has been happening, and I should have given you an exemption.  I apologize...it was remiss of me."

She inhaled slowly and cast her eyes to the top of his desk, her mind sinking into deep thought.  Would she have wanted an exemption?  That man's words had certainly tortured her since she'd heard them...would she have been better off if she hadn't been there?  Suddenly something stirred within her, and she raised her eyes again to the headmaster's face.

"I appreciate the thought, Professor," she said, her voice soft but clear, "But if you _had_ given me the option of missing the first class, I would have come anyway.  I...I don't want to stand out like that."

She didn't quite know how to explain to him what she was feeling, and paused...but he nodded before she could open her mouth again, his eyes smiling at her.  "I knew you would say that.  I didn't expect anything less.  Nevertheless...I'll give you fair warning if I am planning anything of that sort again.  I will always leave it up to you...but in the future, you will always have the option.  No one will think any less of you."

She nodded gratefully and walked toward the door...Bella was waiting for her, as promised.  They walked in silence back to the tower, and Lily couldn't help thinking that in some ways, Dumbledore was wrong.  People _would_ think less of her.  Perhaps not in the way he meant it, but they would think her delicate...weak.  They would think she couldn't handle it...and she would rather run away from school than have people think that she was beaten.

She continued to reflect on this as she lay in bed that night waiting for sleep to come, and then later, as she sat in the common room catching up on her work until faint pink sunlight began to illuminate the hangings on the windows, marking the beginning of another endless day.

~~

Lily walked distractedly out of Charms class, barely able to hold herself up.  Instead of turning toward the Great Hall with everyone else, she called to Arabella, "I'm going back to the Tower for a bit, alright?  I'll see you in Transfiguration."

Arabella looked at her, at a rare loss as to what to do, and nodded in resignation that if Lily wasn't sleeping at night then it was bound to catch up with her sometime.  Feeling just slightly guilty but not enough so that she thought she needed to make any apologies, she turned and trudged the rest of the way back to the dorms.  Once there, she dropped her books on her nighttable and crawled wearily into her bed.  The mattress seemed to envelop her the moment she made contact with it, and suddenly she couldn't imagine getting up again in a mere hour.  Setting her clock nevertheless, she closed her eyes and immediately fell into a deep slumber.

What seemed like two seconds later, the clock began to ring.  Snapping her eyes open, she reached out and turned it off...and contemplated going back to sleep.  Sighing eventually, she sat up like she always did...and noted that her head felt as though it was filled with sand.   Like it always did.  

Pulling her shoes back on, she grabbed her bag and literally ran through the corridors to Defense class.  She arrived there just as the professor was walking into the room, and quickly found her seat beside Arabella.  Neither one of them spoke, but she could practically feel Arabella bursting to say something to her...only she wouldn't dare.  She'd already hounded her about her health to the point where Lily didn't even respond when she spoke to her about it...and so Bella seemed to have dropped it for the time being.  Still, Lily didn't need to hear it come from Bella's mouth...she could _feel_ the rebuke radiating off of her.

She didn't care.  She couldn't help it.  Letting her shoulders slump just a little and rubbing her eyes with one hand, she opened her bag and took out her book...and realized that it was the wrong one.  She could do nothing but stare at the cover for a moment, and the reached back into her bag to feel around even though she knew there wasn't anything else in there.  Slowly withdrawing her hands from the desk, she clasped them so tightly in her lap she thought her fingers might break.  Her brow knitted, she glanced around at the other students in the class, all with the correct book in front of them.  Biting her lip, she cast her eyes downward and fought the urge to just leave.

She wasn't one to do things like this.  She never used to forget things...to fall behind.   Her eyes began to sting a little, and she fervently wished that she could have the last ten minutes back...that she could be back in the dorm and remember to change books.  Such a stupid, little thing.

She barely noticed the book sliding towards her until it was already there...and she looked up at Arabella's face.  Her friend was regarding her with a muted combination of sympathy and worry, but at the moment Lily couldn't fault her for either.  All she could feel was gratitude.

"Thanks," she whispered, sending her a small smile, and Bella nodded once and replied,

"Don't mention it.  Right?"

Tired as she was, Lily did not fail to catch the double meaning...and nothing more was said between them for the rest of the class period as they shared Arabella's book.

~~

Lily took her seat and looked around at her assigned group.  Tim Connelly, who smiled at her as he lowered himself into the seat across from her...and Sirius Black, who didn't smile or look at them but rather stared a bit vacantly towards the front of the room, a distracted frown on his face.  Lily followed his gaze with mild curiosity, but there didn't seem to be anything of interest to be seen...just Dumbledore, standing in front of his desk and patiently waiting until everyone was settled and in the right group.

"I wonder what this is all about," Tim wondered aloud, raising his eyebrows at Lily.  Lily merely shook her head in response and gave a slight shrug of her shoulders.  She too was at a loss.  Before long, the headmaster relieved the growing tension in the room by holding his hands up and beginning,

"As I explained at the beginning, one of the aims of this course has always been to incorporate as many disciplines as possible into your training.  A common misconception about the auror's profession is that the only subject relevant to his or her day to day practise is defense.  In truth, an auror must master most if not all magical subjects in order to perform effectively. I also warned you that the class would be more difficult than anything you've done in your regular lessons.  The project that I'm about to assign you is undeniably advanced...this is why I've put you in groups of three.  I expect each group to work as a team, to balance each other, and to support each other.  What I'm asking you to do is to make a potion...it will take a full moon cycle to complete, and everything must be done exactly as is instructed or you will fail."

As he said this, a long sheet of parchment appeared on each of their tables...no one dared touch them, but it was clear what they were.  A list of ingredients, and instructions for making the potion.  Lily waited for him to say what they were making, but he didn't.  Instead, he smiled slightly and finished,

"The good news is that this weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend, and it will give you ample opportunity to acquire the ingredients which can be purchased.  Some of the others will require you to search on your own...in the forest, on the grounds.  I assure you that everything on the list can be found at Hogwarts if you look carefully enough.  Now...I'd like you to take the rest of the time to get to know the members of your group, and to arrange meeting times.  Once you've done this, you are all free to go."

With that, he stood up and went over to the other side of the classroom, where the aurors-in-training were waiting.  They weren't doing the same project as the students, and so the class had to be split temporarily.  Lily suspected that everything would be back to normal next time...she had a feeling they weren't going to be allowed to work on this potion during classtime.

"Did I miss something?" Tim asked, frowning at the parchment in front of them, "I didn't hear exactly what it is we're making."

"You didn't miss anything," Sirius replied flatly, reaching out and snatching the recipie, "He didn't say it."

"Well, how are we supposed to make something if we don't even know what we're making?"

Lily shook her head and replied quietly, "It doesn't matter whether we know or not...as long as we follow the instructions, we should be alright."

"These are detailed," Sirius said, frowning at the paper and leaning forward with his elbows on the table, "The instructions are very complete.  It says what the potion should look and smell like after every step."

"So when can we get the ingredients?  We'll have to see when everyone else is going to Hogsmeade..."

"I don't see why we should have to go together to buy these," Sirius interrupted her, shrugging and leaning back once again in his chair, "Why break our necks trying to come up with a convenient time for everyone?  We can just divide the list."

Lily immediately felt her reason resist this idea, and she started to get a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.  This was the beginning of what was undoubtedly going to be a very long month.  "I don't know if that's such a good idea...maybe we should just go together."

Sirius didn't react nearly as violently as she would have expected...there were no heaving sighs, no rolling of the eyes.  He simply turned his head and looked at her...idly, it seemed at first, but as she returned his gaze she realized he was silently studying her.  All he said in response was, 

"Why?"

She shrugged and opened her mouth to explain when Tim cut in...a bit hastily, as though he was trying to prevent a row.   "No...no, it'll be alright, Lily.  We'll divide the list evenly, and then there'll be no mistakes."

She still didn't like it, but as she glanced back at Black, she found him still staring pensively at her with that same blank expression.  It was almost as though he was waiting for her to say something.  She let out a light breath and nodded mutely, almost imperceptibly...she just didn't have it in her to argue about it. 

The class was over soon after that, and she and Arabella took the long way back to Gryffindor tower so that they could talk about everything.

"What do you suppose it is?" Bella wondered aloud, her brows furrowed.  She was referring to the potion they were making.  Lily shook her head in response and said,

"I can't even guess.  I suppose Dumbledore must think that if he told us what it was, it would be somehow detrimental."

"I was thinking the same thing," Arabella nodded, "That he might think we'd be discouraged...but that means it must be something really advanced."

Lily agreed and pointed out, "Right, but that's why he put us in groups I suppose."

"Oh, speaking of which...I can't believe you're with Black."

Shrugging, Lily replied, "Why?  It's nothing, really."

"Yeah, but you haven't even started working yet," Arabella retorted, her tone speaking volumes about her opinion of the entire situation.  She didn't even have to elaborate.  

"Bella, I'm sure it'll be fine...whatever else you might say about him, he's a good student.  He gets excellent marks."

"Really?" she replied unenthusiastically.

"Yes, really.  He's in the class with us, isn't he?  Look, just relax..._everything_ doesn't have to be a conflict, does it?"

Bella glanced sideways at her, and Lily checked herself...she knew how she'd sounded.  It was becoming harder and harder to hide her fatigue, to pretend she wasn't completely worn out.  She also knew, however, that she must...if she couldn't, then Arabella was going to start up again with the pressure to go to the hospital wing.  Lily knew she was already on thin ice because of the incident in class, when she'd almost started to weep because she'd forgotten her book.  Sighing, she added,

"Besides, it doesn't look like I'm going to have to work with him any more than is absolutely necessary...he wants us to divide the tasks."

"What do you mean?"

"So we don't have to make a big plan to go together..."

"Oh, wonderful," Bella cut in softly, blowing out a short laugh.

Lily refrained from responding, and Bella seemed to sense that she didn't want to talk about it anymore.  They walked the rest of the way back to the common room in comfortable silence, at which point they both went to bed.  Arabella fell asleep almost immediately...Lily could tell by the way she was breathing.  Inevitably, about an hour later, Lily stood up and walked downstairs to another night of catching up on her studies.

~~

A week later, Lily sat staring at her parchment, willing something eloquent to come to her mind.  She felt as like she was coming down with a case of cold feet and couldn't believe how ridiculous that sounded, even in her own head.

After all, how could something as simple as writing a letter to her own sister be so difficult?

It was, though...it was one of the biggest challenges she'd faced all year.  Perhaps it was even more challenging than most of the things she'd _ever_ done.  What was she supposed to write to Petunia...Petunia, who hadn't even written straight away to tell her their mother and father had been killed?  Who had made no attempt to contact her since?  Who hadn't responded to the last letter she'd written? Should she even be attempting this at all?

            Sighing, she glanced at her watch...it was nearly four in the morning.  Lily set down her quill and leaned back in her chair, turning her head to stare almost unseeingly out the window into the darkness.  Sometimes, as she sat here in the common room, she felt a sensation much like the one she used to feel when she was a girl, in her bedroom.  On cold nights like this, she used to sit up in bed and press her face to the windowpane, letting its iciness shock her cheek and drive the sleepiness away.  Her breath would frost the glass, and she would gaze down her street.  She used to marvel at the idea that something so familiar to her could be made slightly sinister by the night.

            It had been comforting to know that in the warmth of her bedroom, with Petunia in the bed across the room and her parents sitting downstairs, nothing could happen to her.  There was something safe about being at home...a haven where no one could hurt you.  The thought used to lull her to sleep.

            Now, as she sat on the plush crimson cushion covering the window seat, staring out onto the moonlit grounds of Hogwarts...she was able to feel a tiny flutter of that feeling within her.  Still...it was faint indeed compared to all that she remembered it being.  

            And she knew it wouldn't lull her to sleep.  Not this time.

            Sighing softly, she ran her hand through her tangled hair and then yanked it back and tied it away from her face.  She leaned forward and dipped her quill in the ink bottle...purple ink.  It had always been Petunia's favorite color...childish as it was, Lily couldn't help thinking that perhaps something that small would break through the shell of resentment her sister had been nurturing for all these years.  Maybe it would remind her of the days when Lily would sit on her bed and envy the lavendar dress Petunia had gotten to wear on Easter Sunday...Lily had always been saddled with green, to match her eyes.  Maybe it would remind her...that they were still sisters.

            She set the quill to the parchment and forced herself to begin writing whatever came into her mind, no matter what it was.  At least then she'd be accomplishing something, and it would be honest and not contrived.  Her hands slowed as she folded up the parchment...she'd intended on taking it to the owlery first thing in the morning, but perhaps that wasn't such a good idea.   In this case, at this particular moment in time...perhaps it would be better if she just used the regular post.  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registered a certain amount of surprise that she didn't feel much bitterness or sadness at that thought.   Only a kind of numbness.  It didn't worry her much as she rose from her chair, however...she knew that her emotions went up and down concerning her relationship with her sister.  One day she would be enjoying a calm acceptance of the fact that they were practically strangers, and other days she would feel her heart break all over again in utter rejection of the idea that things would never be the way they used to be.

            She was about to go up the stairs when suddenly she stopped.  Turning toward the portrait hole, she remembered that they were supposed to add some ingredients to the potion that morning.  Taking a breath and heading out, she thought she might as well do it now and save Sirius Black the trouble of waking up early to do it...after all, it wasn't as though she was relishing going up to her bed and lying down.

            Grabbing her cloak for protection against the dank corridors, she made her way down to the dungeon.

The next day in class, Lily stared down at the potion, her brows furrowed as she tried vainly to comprehend exactly what she was seeing.  According to their instructions, the potion should have been odorless and a periwinkle blueish color by now.  Theirs was nothing of the sort...it was slate gray, and smelled like boiled cabbage.  Tim gingerly dipped his wand into it and stirred a bit, frowning and shaking his head.

            "I just don't understand," he murmured, mostly to himself, "We did everything _right_...what happened?"

            Sirius shrugged, his face mild but his eyes betraying his frustration as he leaned back against the table behind him.  "Obviously we did something wrong."

            "When was the last time you did anything to it?  The potion, I mean?" Tim asked them.

            Sirius pushed himself off of the desk and leaned over the cauldron as he replied, "I haven't touched it since yesterday...I added those leeks.   Besides that, I haven't even been near the thing."

            It took a moment for his words to register in Lily's head.  When they finally did, a pang hit her chest and she looked up with wide eyes.  "Yesterday?  You..._you_ added the leeks?"

            Sirius nodded, not looking at her as he continued to unneccesarily stir the remains of their ruined potion, and Lily let her eyes slide shut.  She didn't say anything else until Tim asked her what was wrong, and then she softly expelled a breath and almost whispered, "_I_ added the leeks."

            There was a pause, and then Tim said matter-of-factly, "No, Black did.  It was his turn, remember?"

            Lily shook her head and replied, "I know it was, but...I did it myself.  It was about four in the morning, and I couldn't sleep..." 

            She opened her eyes and focused on Sirius Black, who was staring at her.   Then she finished, defeated, "I'm sorry.  I just thought...I thought I was saving you some work."

            A horrible silence followed, broken only by the sporadic glugs of the potion which was supposed to have been completely still.  Lily wanted to quit...she sincerely thought about it for a moment.  She wanted to just sink through the floor, or shrink, or anything that would take her away from their confused gazes.  At last, Tim cleared his throat and said, in a tone that was just slightly harder than usual, 

            "You didn't think to leave a note or...or something?"

            Lily looked helplessly over at him, feeling incomprehensibly stupid and slow.  Of course she should have left a note...any daft idiot would have thought of that.  However, at the time, it hadn't even entered her mind. "I...I don't know, I guess it just slipped my mind.  I only meant to get the step done early...I didn't think anyone else would touch it until..."

            "Until when?  It would have had to have been before now," Tim interrupted, leaning away from her slightly and shaking his head, "I mean, if you realized you'd forgotten to leave a note, why didn't you just let one of us know at breakfast the next morning?"

            Lily shook her head helplessly, but nevertheless tried to offer up some kind of defense, "I wasn't at breakfast that morning, I...I slept late."

            "But you were in class that morning, weren't you?  Don't you have class with Black?" Tim countered, and Lily saw suddenly that there was no excuse.  Unable to bear Tim's condemnation any longer and shrinking imperceptibly away from the way he was looking at her, she turned her gaze to Sirius and was surprised to find that he didn't even seem to be paying attention to the conversation.  There was a brief silence, and then suddenly Sirius spoke.

            "Yeah, she could have left a note," he said, grabbing the cauldron and heaving it off the table.  Setting it down behind them with a loud thud, he then lifted an empty one onto the table.  "But I could have at least _looked_ at it before I added anything."

            Tim narrowed his eyes a bit at Sirius and protested mildly, "Well...yeah, but you wouldn't have known to look..."

            "It's done.  It's both of our faults," Sirius interrupted flatly.

            "It's a fault of your group dynamic, I would say."

            At this, they all turned to find Dumbledore standing beside the ruined potion, gazing critically down at it through the glasses perched on his nose.  He then regarded them with solemn blue eyes and went on, "I know I explained at the beginning that this was meant to be a team effort.  If you're dividing the work, you've already failed."

            They remained silent, unsure of how exactly to reply to this.  Seeing their hesitation, Dumbledore continued quietly so no one else could overhear, "You are to begin again.  I will give the three of you special permission to make the trip to Hogsmeade to buy more ingredients...together.  If you cannot bring yourselves to work as a group, then you may stand and leave this room."

            They nodded, and although she didn't know what the other two felt, she knew that she was miserable.  None of them said much to each other for the rest of the class...there wasn't anything to do, as their potion was beyond help.  They merely sat in silence, each contemplating the folly of their former way of doing things, and then when class finally ended, they decided to go to Hogsmeade at one o'clock Saturday afternoon.  Lily trudged back to Gryffindor Tower in silence, thinking that perhaps this would be one of the nights when she could actually go to sleep...if only to escape the world.

~~

"Something wrong, Miss Evans?"

Professor Flitwick's gentle voice snapped her out of her reverie.  She smiled, embarrassed at having lost herself like that, and replied, "No...it's nothing, Professor.  Sorry."

Flitwick nodded, but his eyes fell upon the book she was holding and he inquired, "Interested in the auror's profession, are you?"

Lily hesitated, but something in Flitwick's kind eyes was extremely familiar and comforting, and she suddenly felt she could surely talk to him about this.  "I was...you know, since what happened to my...my parents.  I'm in Dumbledore's class."

Flitwick nodded slowly and murmured, "Of course...of course you are."

He didn't look away in pity or offer condolences she didn't need.  Instead, his entire demeanor encouraged her to continue.  

"But," she went on, looking once again wistfully at the book, "I starting to wonder if I have it in me."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I feel like I...I'm having a hard time.  I don't know..."

"You know, Miss Evans," Flitwick commented, moving to take the book from her and flip through its pages, "There are many paths you can take to help in the fight against the dark forces."

"What do you mean, sir?" she asked, frowning.

He handed her back her book and looked her in the eyes, and she found that his were bright with confidence...in her.  "You must play to your strengths, Lily.  It's what choosing a path in life is about.  There are many different kinds of aurors...many different specialties."

Lily stared at him for a moment as his face turned up in a small smile.  She smiled back and asked, "Sir, do you think there's any call for something like...charm work in the field?"

Flitwick's smile grew as he nodded and replied, "I happen to know for a fact that there most certainly is, Miss Evans."

Lily could barely contain her excitement as she thanked him and hurried off in the direction of the library.  Of course there would be charms specialists working in the war...it only made sense.  She may not be in top form at the moment, but she knew what she was good at, and she was good at charms.  Exceptional, in fact.  Now that she had the idea planted in her mind, she couldn't wait to read all she could about it.  As she rounded the next corner, however, she heard some sort of drama taking place in the corridor ahead of her.  As she got closer, she heard something that made her blood run cold and her feet stop moving.

"Poor little Mudbloods," came a male voice, "So clumsy, aren't they?"  This was followed by what sounded like two boys laughing...and one girl wimpering.  As she got closer, Lily could see what the problem was...two older Slytherin boys were tormenting a younger Hufflepuff girl.  Her bag was hanging from her shoulder, torn, and her things were all over the cold stone floor.  As she tried frantically to gather them up, the boys kept using their wands to move things out of her reach.  Lily suddenly felt herself become sick to her stomach, and all at once she forgot about the library, forgot about her vow to hand in her badge...forgot about everything but dealing with what was happening in front of her.  Stepping out from the shadows, she pulled out her own wand and said clearly,

"Expelliarmus."

The boys' wands flew out of their grasps before they even knew what was happening, and Lily caught them in her hand.   As they stared at her in confusion, she slowly walked further into view.  She kept her expression completely blank, as she was too angry to even frown.  What she felt at the moment wasn't a burning rage...it was more like disgust,  and it was like a cold lump of metal in her stomach.

"You've just bought yourselves your passage out of here.  You won't be getting these back, and I'd advise you to start packing tonight," she said calmly as she approached, and watched their faces contort into ugly expressions of hatred.

"You can't expel us...you don't have the power," one of them spat at her.  She merely raised an eyebrow and replied,

"I can't.  The Headmaster certainly can, though, and believe me...he will.  As it is, I'm taking fifty points away from Slytherin."

The two boys stared in shock as she turned away to face the distraught Hufflepuff girl, whose glasses were falling off her nose.  Her tears had made it slippery, Lily realized as her heart was assaulted with a firm tug of sympathy.  Suddenly one of the boys, who were still standing there, said,

"It doesn't matter what you do...not in the long run.  You're just a Mudblood with a badge, and that's not worth much."

Lily felt the bile rise in her throat, but knew she couldn't lose control in front of these two worthless bigots.  She had to be unyielding...not only for them, but mostly for the little girl standing there watching this whole thing.  Turning, she replied mildly although her eyes were burning with resolve,

"Now it's one hundred points from Slytherin.  You can keep talking and put your house in the negative, or you can turn around and get out of my sight.  It's your choice, of course."

Apparently deciding the first option was the less desirable of the two, they spun in enraged silence and stalked away toward their dorm.  Lily turned to face the girl, who was now standing stock-still, and smiled.

"Here...let's get all this stuff off the floor."  She knelt on the ground and began to help the girl gather her things.  Her ink had broken, of course, and half of her books were soaked in blue.  Lily performed the necessary charms to get them clean, and meanwhile decided the girl could use a talk.

"I don't think I know your name," she ventured gently, and the girl looked up in surprise.

"Ingrid Powers."

Lily smiled warmly at her and replied, "I'm Lily Evans."

Ingrid returned her smile slightly, and said, "I know.  You're Head Girl, right?"

As she looked into the girl's weepy brown eyes, she suddenly realized that the duties of a Head Girl weren't important within the walls of Hogwarts alone.  She was suddenly aware of the weight of her badge pressing on her hip from where it rested in her pocket...she suddenly felt good that she could make a difference in the only way available to her.

"Yeah...I am," she answered Ingrid's question, and went on, "And there's something I want to tell you.  It's really important, okay?" The girl nodded, and Lily asked, "How old are you, Ingrid?" 

"Eleven," she replied meekly, and Lily scooted a bit closer to her as she went on.

"You have six and a half years left to go at Hogwarts...and I want you to promise me something."

Ingrid nodded again, and Lily said, "Don't ever let anyone tell you you're not as good as anyone else who goes to this school, understand?  It's not true...and I want you to remember that."

The girl nodded, but cast her eyes to the floor.  Lily put a hand on her shoulder and asked softly, "What?"

Ingrid shrugged, apparently not sure whether she wanted to tell Lily what she was thinking. When she finally looked up and gazed into Lily's understanding eyes, however, she shrugged and replied almost inaudibly, "Sometimes it's hard to stand up to people when you're alone."

Lily felt her heart constrict...this girl was more like her than she had realized, and she felt every bit if her fear and insecurity very profoundly.  This girl was looking to her for some sort of answer to her problems, and it was something Lily couldn't give her...she didn't have all the answers, especially not now.  What she _could_ give her was encouragement.  She leaned in a bit closer to Ingrid and said very sincerely, "Ingrid..._no_ one is alone.  That's something else you need to remember, no matter what."

After a moment of taking in Lily's words, Ingrid visibly relaxed, and Lily stood up and handed her her now repaired and filled bag.  As Ingrid took it, Lily added, "Listen...if you ever need to talk to someone, you come to me.  Anytime you need anything.  You remind me a lot of myself when I was a first-year, and I'll bet we share a lot of the same experiences."

This seemed to cheer her up immensely, and she thanked Lily and practically skipped away.  Lily watched her walk away down the corridor, and wondered if she would truly come to her for help if she needed it.  She decided that sometime in the near future, she'd check up on Ingrid Powers.  Shaking her head and trying to think of a time the next day when she would be able to report the incident to Dumbledore, she continued the rest of the way to the Tower.

That night, she had another dream. 

This dream had been worse than any she had experienced since her parents had been killed.  This time, she hadn't dreamt about their deaths...she had dreamt about their life.  Their life together, back when she was young.  In her dream, she and her sister were best friends, her mother made dinner, and her father was sitting on the porch reading the newspaper.  She and Petunia were playing music and pretending to be getting married to two princes.  They laughed as they twirled each other around in their best dresses, wearing their mother's jewelry.  Their dog, Jack, was bounding about in the yard chasing squirrels, and their father was laughing at him.  The entire house rang with laughter.

She woke feeling as though she were being smothered.  She sat up in a panic, and glanced frantically around the darkened room...Arabella and Helen were asleep.  She put a hand to her chest and clutched the front of her nightdress in a deathgrip, squeezing her eyes shut.  She tried with all her might to get her breathing regulated but found it was only getting worse...she was sobbing uncontrollably now.  Desperate not to wake her friends and cause a scene, she threw off her covers and padded as silently as she could out of the dorm.  She didn't bother with her robe or her slippers...all she wanted to do was escape.

She could still smell the smoke from Dad's pipe and Mum's cloved ham baking in the oven as she ran down the stone steps...and it was more than she could stand.  She finally got into the common room and sank down to the carpeted floor in front of the fire.  A sob wrenched her chest, and she put a hand to her face as her eyes welled up and tears spilled relentlessly over her lids.  She couldn't have held it in even if she had wanted to, and she thought maybe she would drown in the sorrow.  Her ribcage would collapse under the pressure and pierce right through her aching heart.  She sat like that for what seemed to be hours, and the sobbing wouldn't subside.  Her stomach began to hurt with the strain of it.

Suddenly, she heard something behind her.  Her eyes flew open as she recognized the sound of the portrait hole sliding open.  Lily felt her heart drop to her knees as she heard hushed male voices fill the room...and recognized them.  It was James Potter and his friends, and they were obviously sneaking back in from somewhere.  They didn't see her right away, and Lily felt the insane urge to crawl behind something to hide, but a second later Remus Lupin turned his head slightly and caught sight of her.  His smile faded and he went stock still.  The others noticed, and before they could turn around to see what he was staring at, Lily averted her face back to the fire.  She still couldn't completely control her sobbing, however, and it was made even worse by the fact that she had never been so mortified in her life.  She almost didn't care how horrible she looked, and wished they would simply go away.

The room was now shrouded in absolute silence, and the only things that could be heard were the crackling of the fire and Lily's repressed sobs.  Not soon enough, Lily heard their footsteps retreating up the stairs, and knew she was once again alone.  She gave a pathetic whimper and covered her face with her hands once again.  She didn't want to think about how she would face them again.  She didn't want to think about anything...she just wanted the pain to be gone. 

After a few moments passed, she became suddenly aware of a presence behind her...she wasn't alone, as she had thought.  She knew without even turning around that it was him...it was James.  Silently wishing him away, she heard him step closer to where she was sitting on the floor.  She didn't turn around.  She didn't know why he hadn't gone up with the rest of them, and she prayed as she never had before that he wouldn't speak to her.  He simply stood there for a moment longer, apparently unsure of what he should do...but he didn't say a word.  

After awhile, just when she was beginning to think he was going to turn and leave, she instead felt him lower himself slowly to one knee on the floor next to her and jumped slightly as his hand came to rest gently on her back.  The contact was hesitant and unsure of its welcome, but the mere feel of a comforting touch made the sobs grow worse.  It was as if the dam keeping her emotions in check had been springing holes for the past month, and now it had simply crumbled completely.  She heaved a shuddering sigh, and felt his hand slide up to grip her opposite shoulder.  He had practically put his arm around her, and she leaned back instinctively as she felt the warm, strong pressure across her shoulders.  He pulled a bit, tentatively urging her closer, and before she could think about anything she was crying into his sweater.  This seemed to erase all traces of uncertainty from his mind, and before long his other arm had come up to enclose her in an embrace.

She didn't think about anything, but merely poured all her angst and sorrow out into the stillness of the room, encouraged by the warm body from which she was now drawing strength.  She didn't care who she was leaning on, or why.  All she knew was that she just didn't want to be alone.  _Anything_ was better than feeling so completely and utterly alone.  He had shifted to a sitting position, and was holding her loosely while she cried.  His hands stroked her back and smoothed her hair, and he didn't say a single word.  It seemed to Lily that they sat there like that for hours and hours, until finally her weeping subsided and she merely rested her head weakly on his shoulder as she stared, exhausted, into the fire.

After awhile, she could feel fatigue begin to overtake her and mumbled almost to herself, "I need to go to bed."

Without asking questions, he gently stood and helped her to her feet.  She felt like a ragdoll as her legs protested having to rise, but somewhere in the back of her mind she marvelled at his strength – he was practially holding her up with almost no effort at all.   She recalled vaguely that she was wearing only a nightdress, but she couldn't bring herself to care at this point.  He removed his arm from around her shoulders as they walked toward the staircase, but he kept his hand on her back as they climbed to the dorms.  She didn't look at him...she hadn't looked him in the face at all since she'd heard him come into the room, and she didn't plan on doing so.  Before opening the door, she murmured automatically,

"Goodnight."

He didn't respond, and without waiting for an answer, she turned and walked slowly back to her bed.  There she collapsed and fell into a blessedly dreamless sleep.

To Be Continued in Chapter Six 

More Fic by Emmyjean at

www.thehiddentower.net


	7. Losing Control

 TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanbyahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces.  In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon.  Please read details from author HERE.**

Chapter Six: Losing Control 

When Lily awoke the next morning, her head was pounding.  She brought a hand up to her face and blinked at the sunlight streaming through the window...something wasn't right.  Glancing at the bed to her left, she realized that Arabella wasn't there, and neither was Helen.  Sitting up and upsetting her headache even further, she blinked at the clock on her bedside table – it was nearly ten o'clock.  She was missing her first two lessons.  Just as she was about to throw the covers off and wonder aloud why she hadn't woken up at seven as usual, she was hit with the realization that she had a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach about leaving her dorm...and then she remembered why.

A wave of shame hit her so hard that she unconsciously leaned back again on her pillows as her mouth dropped open in horror.  She suddenly recalled the night before with vivid clarity as the fog of sleepiness lifted from her brain, and she had the insane urge to crawl under her covers and refuse to come out.  Covering her face with her hands, she wished that they could protect her from the images assaulting her mind.

She had lost control after that stupid dream, and James Potter had seen it.  Not only had he seen it...he'd participated in it.  For the first time in her life, Lily actually felt sorry for James...he must have been at a complete loss as to what to do with her.  He had tried to help, and she showed her thanks by literally hanging on him.  She brought her hands down from her face and swallowed at the lump in her throat.  Why couldn't he have just left her alone?  Why couldn't he have just minded his own business?

Not only had he seen it, but the rest of his friends had seen it as well.  She rubbed her eyes, thinking that the whole school probably knew about it by now.  How was she to face a classroom full of people, all who were quite aware of her breakdown?  What were they saying?  Were they laughing at her, or worse...did they pity her?  Sitting up at the nausea that threatened to overcome her at the thought, she silently cursed Potter and his friends.  Where had they been, anyway, that they were coming through the portrait hole at all hours of the night?  She wasn't even sure what time it had been, or how long she had sat down there weeping on James Potter's shoulder.  The sick feeling worsened, as did her headache, and so she ran her fingers roughly through her tangled mess of hair as she got slowly out of bed.

Staring around the empty room, feeling distinctly out of place as she was supposed to have been in Herbology, she tried to come up with a reasonable solution...and panicked at the realization that there was none.  There was no way around this...she was simply going to have to face it.  Face _him_.  The best she could do was postpone the inevitable, and she wasn't about to waltz into class so that she'd not only disrupt a lesson, but also have every single pair of eyes in the room boring into the back of her head.  Wincing at the thought, she decided to give herself a bit of time to prepare for it...she'd just take a walk to the hospital wing for a pepper-up and tell them she was sick.  It was actually the truth...she felt terrible.

She took a quick shower and got dressed, slightly relieved that she now had the whole day to decide how she wanted to approach Potter about this.  At the moment, she was thinking the best way would be to simply pretend nothing had happened.  When she saw him later that day, he was bound to be on edge about it as much as she was, and he'd probably be relieved when she showed him that she never wanted it mentioned again.  If she pretended it hadn't happened, then people would just slowly forget about it.  Even as she said this to herself, though, she knew it wouldn't be that simple.  People wouldn't forget...if she thought they had been on eggshells with her before, she didn't want to imagine what they would act like now in her company.  She felt the familiar burning in her eyes again as she felt her insides cringe in utter humiliation, and she gently set down the brush she had been running through her hair.

Control, she told herself as she regarded herself with puffy eyes in the mirror.  You lost it last night, but it's not going to happen again.  Nodding slowly at herself in resolve, she walked down the stairs leading to the common room...and stopped dead when she got to the bottom. 

James Potter was sitting there by himself, staring out the window.  He was dressed in his robes, and his bag lay at his feet.  Seeing him now, after not having spared him even a fleeting glance the night before, made her feel like she wanted to throw up.  The moment he heard her enter, he got to his feet and then simply stood there looking at her.  She noted guiltily, her face burning, that he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep.

"Hi," he said softly, and she looked down at the floor so as not to have to meet his eyes.

"Hi," she replied.  The moment of silence that followed seemed as though it lasted an eternity before he finally broke it, speaking in the same soft voice as though he was trying to avoid waking someone.

"You weren't in Potions this morning."

She looked up then, and found him regarding her closely, as though waiting for something.  She didn't know what, so she simply replied to his observation.  "I slept a bit late."

He nodded, then swallowed as he glanced at the portrait hole and then back at her.  He seemed incredibly nervous.  "Are you okay?"

His tone was laden with meaning.  She blinked slowly, wishing she could simply keep her eyes closed – or better yet, apparate out of the room – before answering dismissively, "Yes...yes, I'm fine."

She prayed that he would take the hint and walk away, but he didn't.  He simply stared at her for a moment.  She was extremely uncomfortable under the scrutiny, and wished that he would either mention the previous night and get it out of the way or else end the conversation.  All she wanted to do was get away from him.  He took in her appearance and then remarked,

"You aren't dressed.  For class, I mean."

She shook her head and replied, "I was...I was just going to stay in my dorm today.  I'm a bit...er, tired."

She could have kicked herself for bringing it up, and something flickered in his eyes as he cleared his throat and asked, "Where are you off to, then?"

"The hospital wing," she replied, and then at his slight look of concern she added hastily, "I just, um...I have a little headache."

He nodded again, then bent to pick up his bag.  She decided that must be the end of the conversation and was just heading toward the portrait hole when he asked,  "Mind if I go with you?"

"Why?" she blurted out before she could stop it.  He shrugged and, gripping his bag a bit tighter, replied,

"I don't know."

She felt her throat close...he wasn't going to let it go.  She couldn't let it go any further than this...she didn't want him to feel like he was obligated to check up on her.  He wasn't even her friend.  "That really isn't necessary, thanks," she said as she brushed past him and walked out of the portrait hole.  She didn't look him in the face.

As she walked swiftly down the corridor, her arms crossed in front of her, she heard the portrait swing open once again behind her.  She didn't slow her steps and turned to run up the stone staircase leading to the hospital wing, but before she could get too far she heard him call after her.

"Lily."

Her very bones vibrated as the echo of his voice bounced off the corridor walls...this was it.  He was going to bring it up.  Somehow, she simply knew it before she even turned around to face him.  When she did, she was no longer in any doubt...he looked torn and unsure, but at the same time determined as he stepped up the first few steps towards her. 

"Do you want me to make your excuses?"

She looked up at him then and found him staring intently down at her, as though he was trying to look inside her mind.  She never realized before how tall he was, and somehow it made her feel even smaller in more than one way.  She shivered a bit and replied, "No, it's alright."

"I would," he interrupted softly, "If you wanted me to."

She shook her head.  She wanted so badly to escape him. "Was there anything else?"

He stared for a moment more before slowly shaking his head, and so she turned and went as fast as she could without actually running, calling over her shoulder, "I'll see you later, then."

She felt tears of frustration burn her eyes as she went swiftly down the corridors and she wanted to simply lay down and die of shame.  She would have to work hard to wipe last night from his memory...she preferred even the fighting to this. 

This, she decided morosely, was absolutely awful...and she didn't have the slightest idea how to proceed.  After stopping in to see Madam Pomfrey, her headache was cleared up but her nervous stomach was bound to remain.  Deciding that it was foolish to miss a whole day of lessons, especially since the meeting she had been dreading the most had already happened, she headed back to the dorms to quickly don her robes and then hurried out to the greenhouses for Herbology.  Despite the fact that she was extremely late, Professor Green didn't seem at all upset with her as she took her place by Arabella and Helen. 

"What happened?" Arabella whispered as they were being given direction on how to properly fertilize spitting plants.

"What do you mean, what happened?" Lily hissed back as she put on her gloves, "You didn't wake me for breakfast, that's what happened!"

Arabella scowled at her and replied, "Don't give me that.  You looked so horrible that we didn't want to wake you...not that we didn't try."

"Lily," Helen broke in, shooting a look at Bella for being too loud, "You were obviously exhausted this morning...usually, you're up on your own.  Is something...wrong?  Did something happen?"

Lily shook her head quickly and picked up the bottle of liquid plant food from the table in front of her, but she couldn't help glancing at James Potter as she did.  The minute her eyes found him, though, she was dismayed to find that he was looking at her.   He looked away when her eyes fell on him, but she had already seen the uneasy expression on his face. 

"Marvelous," she mumbled under her breath, and then looked to make sure Arabella hadn't caught it.  She glanced around the room then at the rest of the students, all of whom seemed to be quite busy with their plants.  She wondered again, her face burning, how many people knew about it already.  Sighing, she decided she'd simply go ahead with her original plan to ignore it completely...pretend it hadn't happened. 

Of course, this wasn't easy to do when she had Potter floating around her all day.

Several times, she had caught him staring at her in class as though he thought she was going to collapse at any moment.  Later, she was rushing down the corridor to Charms after having taken a horrible Arithmancy exam...she was decent at Arithmancy, but for some reason the professor didn't much like her.  Lily had unwittingly started several intellectual debates with her in the past, and she suspected Professor Abernathy had taken it as an insult to her superior knowledge.  This particular exam had been the toughest yet, especially considering the fact that she'd barely done any studying for it, and then Abernathy had kept her after to help her sort papers.  Lily had silently fumed as she'd complied, knowing the woman had just done it to spite her.  She finally arrived at the door to Flitwick's classroom, only to find her entire class standing outside the door.  Lily groaned inwardly as she remembered Flitwick mentioning that he would be a touch late today...she hadn't even needed to rush.  Moving tiredly to stand by the door and wondering where Arabella and Helen had got to, she began trying one last time to look over the essay she was to turn in today.

"Hi," came a voice close to her left shoulder, and she glanced up to see that it was James.  He smiled mildly at her, and she quickly looked back down at her paper.

"Hi," she mumbled.  He glanced down at the paper as well and asked,

"Don't tell me that's why you're late... _you_, doing an assignment at the last minute?"

She blinked and shook her head, explaining quickly, "No...I was just finishing up an Arithmancy exam."

He nodded, and she thought the conversation was over when he inquired mildly, "How did it go?"

"Oh, um..." she began, letting her gaze wander around at the people standing with them in the corridor.  She caught sight of his three friends standing on the other side, talking.  Her brow furrowing slightly, she replied briefly, "Umm...it went fine." 

He nodded, and an awkward silence ensued between them.  She knew he was waiting for elaboration, or for her to ask him something to keep the conversation moving, but she wasn't about to do that.  She didn't want it to be like this...him feeling obligated to her somehow.  After a moment, he walked off to join his friends, telling her he'd see her in class as he went.   She went back to reading her paper, or at least pretending to do so, and before long Flitwick arrived and opened the classroom door for them.  She seated herself in her usual seat, behind James Potter and Sirius Black.  They were talking about something, and just as Lily began to wonder where Arabella was, she plunked herself down in the seat next to Lily's.

"I hate that east staircase...it makes me feel like I'm eighty years old!"

Lily asked, "Where were you?"

Bella snorted as she pulled out her Charms book and her wand.  "I got in an argument with that Ravenclaw...you know, the one who tried to tell me I was conceited a couple of weeks ago?  Dana something...anyway, it took some time."

Lily eyed her friend suspiciously.  "Tell me nothing bad happened."

Bella smiled wickedly and replied, "Nothing _really_ bad happened.  Speaking of really bad...how was your exam?"

"Really bad," Lily replied, frustrated, "She hates me, I know it."

"Abernathy?" Arabella asked with a sneer on her face, "Please.  She's only jealous because you could teach that class better than she can.  What happened this time?"

Lily shook her head and replied, "Nothing I can describe...it's just a feeling.  The exam was so hard, I...I just wasn't properly prepared.  Still, it was much too advanced for our level, and at the bottom was an essay concerning the benefits of learning arithmancy for everyday life.  I know she only put that on there because of the time last week I asked her why we had to delve into trade arithmancy...I argued that we have the class only to teach theory."

"Why do you get into these things with her if you know she doesn't like it?" Bella broke in, exasperated, "I mean, I'd hate you, too!"

"_Anyway_," Lily continued as if she hadn't heard her, "She kept me after, then.  To sort papers, or something."

Bella shook her head as Flitwick stepped up on his podium.  Lily turned to face the front of the class...and caught sight of James Potter in front of her.  He wasn't looking at them, but his head was turned to the side in such a way that it was obvious he was listening to their conversation.  As soon as Flitwick began speaking, he turned away to face the front of the class. 

Her nerves were practically shot by the time she sat down in the Great Hall for lunch.  Arabella gave her a confused look as she pushed her plate away. "What's the matter?"

Lily shrugged mildly and replied, "Nothing...I'm just not very hungry, that's all."

Arabella swallowed whatever she had been chewing and asked, "Is anything wrong with you?"

Lily frowned, wishing at this moment that Arabella didn't know her as well as she did, and replied, "No.  Why?"

Bella gave her a look of disbelief and replied, "Because...you weren't at breakfast, and now you want to skip lunch.  Are you planning on eating at all today, or are you practicing some form of ritual fasting?"

Lily knew that Arabella was simply trying to lighten the seriousness of the question, but she couldn't help the feeling of entrapment building inside of her.  Why couldn't people just let her do what she wanted without acting as though she might perish?  She wasn't fragile...she wasn't made of glass.

"Look," she snapped, causing Arabella's dark brows to shoot up, "I told you, I'm just not hungry, alright?  I didn't feel well when I woke up this morning, and I still don't.  I have a headache."

Arabella's eyes narrowed as she studied Lily's face, and she replied in an even tone, "So...let's review the week, shall we?  You sleep when you should be eating, are a zombie during class, then to catch up you study when you should be sleeping...and who on earth _knows_ when you do any eating.  That is, if you eat at all."

Lily sighed. "Yes, yes...I know, but..."

"But nothing...this I getting out of control.  How long is this going to go on?  Until you drop dead?"

Lily's eyes shot up to meet Bella's and she said quietly, "No."

"Well then?  I mean, have you looked at yourself lately?  You look like...I don't know, Lily!  You can't lose any more weight or the wind'll blow you down, you have permanent dark circles under your eyes..."

"Don't do this.  I..."

"Lily," Bella replied quietly, "You're doing it to _yourself_."

Helen broke in.  "Why don't you go to Madam Pomfrey for a pepper-up?"

"I did already," Lily replied without thinking.

"It didn't work?" Arabella asked in surprise.  Lily looked at her, not knowing how to respond, then for some reason glanced down the table to her right...and found James sitting not five seats away with his friends.  He wasn't paying attention to the argument taking place between Black and Pettigrew, however...he was looking straight at her.  She shook her head and picked up her books, suddenly needing to get far away from everyone.  Maybe she shouldn't have gone to class that morning.

"I'm just going to go back to the dorm, okay?  I'll see you in Potions."

With that, she hurried out of the Great Hall and into the corridor.  As soon as she reached the staircase leading to Gryffindor Tower, she lost her grip on one of her books...which, of course, caused them all to go tumbling from her arms to the floor in a mess of flying papers.  Sighing frustratedly, she bent to pick them up...and suddenly James Potter was sinking to his knees right beside her.  She blinked at him, not having even heard him approach.  He didn't say anything, but began helping her gather her things together.  She grabbed what he held in his hands and clutched everything to her chest, standing so quickly that she almost dropped everything again.

"Thanks, I've got it," she said, praying she could hold on to the precarious jumble of papers, books, and parchment she had haphazardly clasped to her front.  He looked uncertain that she had it all under control as he eyed the mess a bit nervously.

"Here," he said, reaching out to relieve her of some of her burden, "Let me carry some of those."

"No," she said almost desperately, causing his eyes to shoot to her face as she took a jerky step back, "I have it.  You don't have to."

He pulled his hand back slowly and replied, "I know I don't have to."

She looked about to see if there was anyone else around, but everyone was in the Hall happily enjoying their lunch.  She wondered why in the world he couldn't have just stayed in there with his friends...although deep down, she knew the answer.  He was probably still determined to talk to her about the night before, and he had overheard her saying that she was going back to the tower. 

"Where are you going?" he asked then, after the silence had stretched on for a couple of minutes.  She thought for a moment about lying to him, but then decided that her mind wasn't sharp enough to come up with anything convincing.  Besides, what made her feel like she had to make things up?

"I'm going back to the tower," she replied, her tone flat.

"Not hungry?" he asked nonchalantly, which told Lily clearly that he was making an attempt to hide what he was really thinking.  Why couldn't he just say what he meant so they could get it over with?

She chose not to reply, but rather gave her head a little shake and tried to move past him without looking at him.  To her dismay but somehow not surprisingly, he sidestepped slightly so that she didn't have a clear path to the stairs.  Bending his head, he tried to make her look him in the eye...she silently refused.  She couldn't.  She was desperately afraid of what would happen if she did.

"Don't you think you should at least finish lunch?"

She pressed her lips together, then said as calmly as she could despite the panicked feeling rising in her throat, "I'm just...not hungry.  I'm tired.  I just need to..."

"I don't think you should go to sleep," he said firmly.  This _did_ surprise her, and forced her gaze up to his face.  "You'll be knackered later, and your schedule will be messed up."

As she returned his gaze, she realized slowly that the feeling that was weighing down her insides wasn't fear and it wasn't dread...it was anger.  No sooner had she realized this than the feeling began to grow stronger, hotter...she didn't analyze it or try and understand it, but merely allowed herself to feel it.  Narrowing her eyes a bit, she asked in a soft but unmistakably sharp tone,

"It's really not for you to say.  I don't need you to be my nanny."

His hazel eyes narrowed slightly, but his voice didn't change as he replied, "I'm not trying to be your nanny.  I'm just giving you my opinion."

"Why?" she shot out before she could think about what the answer might be.

He seemed a bit flustered by the question at first, but quickly regained his composure and replied noncommittally, "I don't know...because I thought I should."

She shook her head and said, "You shouldn't, alright?  You shouldn't do anything...you aren't obligated.  If I wanted to throw myself off of the North Tower balcony, it would be my privilidge.  It's nothing at all to do with you."

There was a short pause during which Lily grimaced to herself about the harshness of her last statement...she hadn't really meant for it all to come out like that.  She'd meant to simply _think_ it...but she didn't exactly regret saying it.  

Finally, he replied, "I disagree."

"Why?" she asked again, and he let out a frustrated sigh before replying,

"I don't know.  I suppose I just...after last night..."

"Stop," she interrupted, her voice sounding stricken even to her own ears, "Just...stop."

"Stop what?" he asked sharply, as if he'd been expecting her reaction.  Anticipating it.

"Stop talking, stop _everything_!" she burst out, her voice echoing off the walls in the empty corridor.  "Stop doing this!"

"Doing what?  Trying to bloody _help_ you?"

"I'd like to know what makes you think you can do anything to help me!" she hissed, her eyes flashing at him, "You think that just because you walked in on me in a weak moment last night that you have the right to pretend as though we're the best of friends...as though we've always been close underneath everything else?"

As she spoke, his expression grew progressively harder.  She knew that on some level she was being ungrateful and unreasonable, but on so many other levels she was justifiably resentful.  He didn't understand – couldn't possibly understand – what this meant for her.   How ruined she felt, how defeated...and now his kindness was tantamount to rubbing her nose in her defeat.  His motives were all self-serving...he felt guilty and wanted to appease his conscience, or he wanted to play hero for awhile and feed his ego.  She wasn't going to allow any of it, and she stood firm against his rising anger.  His jaw clenched, and he replied,

"I never claimed anything like that.  All I'm trying to do is help you."

"Well I don't _need_ your help!" she bit out, her voice resonating with all the rage she felt, "I haven't needed your help so far, and I don't need it now!  You seem to forget that we hate each other."

"You didn't seem to hate me all that much when you drenched my sweater and put fingernail marks in my arms," he said cruelly, knowing that the last thing she wanted was to be reminded.  Cringing inwardly, she nevertheless forced her chin up a notch and shot back,

"Look...my parents had nothing to do with our relationship before they...before they died, and...so why should they have anything to do with it now?  Nothing's changed."

"Hasn't it?  You're telling me that last night would've happened even if you _hadn't_ been overcome with grief at what's been going on in your life?"

She knew it wasn't true, but she knew any change in their interaction was based on nothing but pity on his part...and last night she'd only allowed him to feed his need to be important to anyone and everyone.   Wanting to knock him off his high horse, she replied, "It could have been anyone sitting there with me last night, for all I cared.  I never even looked at your face."

"You bloody well _knew_ it was me," he snapped with sudden virulence.  "Now who's pretending?"

She shook her head.  "You aren't listening, as usual.  The point I'm trying to make is that I didn't _care_.  I don't know if there's anything else going on in your life right now, but for me, my relationship or lack thereof with you is at the very bottom of my list of priorities.  I have enough to handle without..."

"Why don't you spare me the self-righteous babble?" he interrupted sharply, his hazel eyes blazing.  "You know, you'd love to believe that no one in the whole bloody world has problems like yours."

She blinked...not only was she taken aback, but his very bluntness and the force with which he threw the words at her stung.  "You think you have me figured out, then?"

"It's true and you know it," he countered, his eyes still furious but his voice carrying a familiar mocking edge now, "You try so damn hard to make everyone forget that you're going through a rough time.  You sit there in class and try to convince everyone that you're no worse off than you were before..."

She tried to turn away, unable to believe his temerity.  He took a step toward her and leaned in as he continued relentlessly,

"You make a fool of yourself every day, trying to act like you haven't been weakened by the blow...as if there were some shame in admitting that.  You don't open up to anyone...not even your friends.  I can see that _they_ don't even know what to do with you...after all, what's the point?  They wouldn't understand you anyway, right?  Far better to have a breakdown alone in the middle of the night than to ask for help."

He made this last remark with a bite of sarcasm, and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise.  She'd never been so furious.  "Do you think last night was some...some big deal?  Well, it wasn't.  It was meaningless, just like all the other times...a drop in the bucket.  The middle of the night...that expression means _nothing_ to me, don't you understand?  I don't sleep anymore as it is."

"You sound almost proud of this.  Do you secretly _enjoy_ your misery?"

She shook her head and ended,  "Just...leave me alone from now on, alright?"

"You know," he commented in a controlled voice, "You really are stuck-up.  Or maybe it's just ingratitude...I can't tell."

"I don't have any reason to show you gratitude," she said coldly, "And if you're referring to what happened last night..."

"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that?" he said, his lip curling.

"Right," she said, raising her eyebrows and refusing to be baited, "We're not."

He nodded curtly and replied, "Fine."

She turned on her heel and strode away down the corridor, and while from behind she may have looked confident and collected, she was really anything but.  Tears of frustration burned her eyes as she weaved swiftly through the students who were now finished with their lunch, and she wanted to simply lay down and die, she was so worn out. 

She hated him.  It hurt, she hated him so much.

Running the rest of the way to the dorms, she practically broke the door down as she shoved it open and collapsed on her bed.  Her nose buried in the familiar-smelling covers, she considered that she'd never been much of a slammer of doors...before.  As she continued to lay there, breathing deeply in an effort to calm herself, she fought the urge to fall asleep and instead replayed the conversation that she'd just had with Arabella over and over in her mind.

_"You sleep when you should be eating, are a zombie during class, then to catch up you study when you should be sleeping...and who on earth knows when you do any eating.  That is, if you eat at all."_

Lily lifted her head from the bed and looked blearily around her.  The room was silent as a tomb and offered an odd sense of privacy at this moment, when everyone else was out and about.  Her muscles protesting, she pushed herself up and off the bed, walking over to the large mirror over by the windows.  Standing before it, she could feel a knot tightening in her stomach as she looked at herself.

"You look like...I don't know, Lily!  You can't lose any more weight or the wind'll blow you down, you have permanent dark circles under your eyes..."

She suddenly felt frightened as she gazed into the glass, as though she was looking at something she'd never seen before and didn't quite know what to do.  It was as though she was seeing a complete stranger.  Hesitantly, she brought a hand to her face and stared.  She did have circles under her eyes...bad ones.  Her eyelids were swollen slightly as though she'd just woken up from a long sleep, and her hair was pulled tightly back from her face as though she didn't care what it looked like.

She didn't...at least, she hadn't when she'd gotten out of bed that morning after another mostly sleepless night.  Now...she somehow felt different about it.  Reaching up, she winced as she pulled the band from her hair and watched it spill down around her shoulders.  It was still the same vibrant red...only now, her skin didn't have any lustre to it.  Now, her red hair made her face look all the more pale.

She backed up a step and realized for perhaps the first time how thin she looked.  Lily wasn't tall...she wasn't accustomed to being so skinny.  She turned to the side, and then to face front again...her eyes blurred with tears as she realized that her clothes barely fit her anymore.  Angrily, she wiped her eyes and frowned at herself...she was neglecting herself in a way that she would never allow one of her friends to be neglected.  Not only that, she was acting horrible to her friends for doing exactly what she would do for them if the situations were reversed...for caring about her.

Lily brought her hands up and ran them back through her hair...she had no right to be annoyed at them.  She was wrong.  As she glanced up one more time at herself in the mirror, she wondered if there was any remnant of her old self in this stranger she saw...physically or mentally.  If there was...then she'd have to preserve it before it was dead.

Uttering a small sound of disgust, she grabbed the brush that was lying on the top of the dresser and began pulling it roughly through her hair.  She tossed the band she still held away...she wasn't going to use it...not today.  Grabbing her books, she took them with her into the bathroom at the end of the hall and gave her face a vigorous scrub with soap and water.  When she was done, she looked at her reflection...a slight improvement, she thought as her skin glowed shiny and pink.  Succumbing to a slight twinge of female pride, she used a charm on her lips and her eyebrows...coloring the former and slightly shaping the latter.  Finally, she began to recognize herself...and she decided then that enough was enough.  Rather than go back to the dorm to sleep, she marched resolutely out to class...although she knew very well that her determination to better herself would dwindle, and that although this was a battle with her willpower that she'd won today...the war was far from over.

           

"Can't you at least give your reasons for what you're saying?"

            Lily turned her head and pinned James Potter with her eyes, wishing she could use them to shoot fire.  If looks could kill, he would have been done for by now.  The classroom was hushed, everyone hanging on their every word as the debate became more and more heated.

            "As I've said numerous times before," she repeated, her voice hard as steel, "I feel that it takes a Muggle, or a Muggleborn, to truly understand what Muggles can contribute to the fight against dark magic."

            "Then perhaps it takes a pureblood to know precisely why allowing muggles into the fight would be a horrible misstep on the part of the wizarding world," Potter countered, his eyes not wavering from hers despite the look she was giving him.

            There was a murmur rippling through the room now, but Lily barely heard it above the ringing in her ears.  Until now, until this moment, he hadn't spoken more than two words to her since the fight they'd had that day in the corridor outside the Great Hall.  That was nearly two whole weeks ago. She hadn't complained...she'd asked him to leave her alone, and that's exactly what he did.  He did his share of the work, he spoke to her when it was required by duty, but nothing more.  There had been no trace of the overly helpful, almost suffocating person he'd been right after that horribly humiliating incident in the common room that night.  That had been exactly what she wanted...but suddenly, tonight, it looked as though he'd decided he'd left her in peace long enough.  The class had begun with a mild discussion on the Ministry and had escalated into this...a heated, almost biting argument between the two of them.

            All because she'd made a perfectly justifiable comment about the involvement of Muggles – or lack thereof – in the fight against dark magic.  Now she was unexpectedly having to defend herself against James Potter's onslaught...and the worst part of it was, she didn't doubt he felt as strongly about his opinions as she felt about hers.  It's just that in her _opinion_, he was dead wrong.

"What does being a pureblood have to do with anything, may I ask?"

            "What does being a Muggleborn have to do with anything, for that matter?" he shot back, his brows furrowed, refusing to answer her question.  She realized then that he was trying to get her to stumble in her argument, trying to prove that she was thinking with her emotions rather than her logic.  She resented it fiercely.

            "It's different, and I think you know it.  There's a cultural difference..."

            "I agree with you on that point," he cut in, leaning forward in his desk, "That's not what I'm arguing."

            "Then why don't you just come to the point and stop dancing around the subject?" she asked coolly.

            "I don't believe _I'm_ the one doing the dancing."

            "What?"

            He leaned back again, and she could fairly see the effort he was making to contain his glee at her discomfort.  "What you're trying to say is that wizards who are purebloods, or who are generations removed from their Muggle ancestors, fail to fully grasp the depth of the Muggle plight."

            Lily blinked.  "No, I'm not.  I'm saying that it takes a person who knows the intricacies of the Muggle culture to fully appreciate the contributions that Muggles could make in the fight, if given the opportunity...but now I feel as though I'm repeating myself, as I stated this clearly before.  Many times."

            "But what about the repercussions?" someone else broke in, saving James the trouble, "If the non-magical world were to find out about everything that's been happening, it could spell disaster for everyone!"

            "Yes," someone else shouted from the back, "And I don't happen to think that Muggles would be equipped to defend themselves, no matter what anyone says about their talent for...innovation."

            Lily turned in her seat to address this person, but found herself beaten to it. 

"How can someone defend themselves against something that they don't understand?"

She couldn't keep track of who was speaking anymore, and the room was becoming quite loud.  Lily glanced nervously at Dumbledore, but he didn't seem to mind the noise and arguing...in fact, he merely sat at his desk with his hands folded in front of him, looking pensively from one speaker to the next.  He seemed content to simply allow the discussion to flow where it might, and didn't seem to share Lily's fear that it was slightly disrespectful.

            "Look at the evidence from previous times," James pointed out, bringing her attention back to the matter at hand, "Those Muggle towns and the people in them were completely unable to fend off a Deatheater attack.  They weren't even able to _escape_ most of the time...what does that tell you?"

            "It tells me that there's a lack of open communication between people who should be on the same side!" Lily burst out, "They should be united!"

            "Muggles would be a liability in the fight!  It's best that they're just kept out of it!"

            "Kept out of it!?" someone protested, "They're not _out_ of it now...and the fact that they're already deeply involved is through no choice of theirs!"

            "This is what I'm saying!" Lily said, her firm voice rising above the din, "Of all the groups we've discussed, it seems Muggles are the most heavily involved of all...and the most victimized.  So don't they have the right to know what's happening to them?"

            "Ignorance is bliss," James said under his breath, but Lily heard him.  Before she could respond, Dumbledore finally broke in.

            "I must say that although it may seem to some that I am promoting dischord and tension amongst my student population, I am pleased to see that the feelings and opinions everyone has on this subject are enough to spark such a heated debate.  In the coming days, I hope we can continue to elaborate on the discussion and settle on some kind of agreement...but if not, then at the very least you will have been taught the nature of politics.  Now, I'd like to move on to something else...but let's take a five minute recess so that I can choose partners for you."

            As Dumbledore proceeded to divide them into partners to work on some kind of assignment, Lily fumed about the conversation that had just taken place.  She glanced at Potter, who was sitting on the other side of the room listening intently to the headmaster as though nothing in the world was bothering him.  She wondered what might have provoked his attack on her tonight, since she hadn't so much as looked in his direction since their argument after lunch that day.  As though reading her mind, Arabella leaned across the table and whispered scorchingly,

            "What in the world is the matter with Potter?  Does he have some kind of uncontrollable need to cause trouble?"

            Lily shook her head and replied, "I have no idea.  Maybe it makes him feel important."

            "I don't know.  I think he may actually believe the things he says."

            Lily shot Bella a look and asked, "Are you making an observation, or are you sticking up for him?"

            Bella looked back at Lily and said flatly, "Don't even start.  You know my thoughts on the subject."

            Lily rolled her eyes to the ceiling and said quietly, "You could've...I don't know..."

            "Spoken up?" Bella finished for her, and when Lily looked over at her, she continued, "You know I would have, Lil...but I'm just not sure."

            "Not sure?"

            Arabella hesitated a moment before she said, "I'm not sure where I stand."

            "What do you mean, you're not sure?  You don't...you _can't_ agree with Potter and...them?"

            Bella thought for a moment as though trying to think of the best way to say whatever it was she was about to say.  Finally she replied, "No...I don't think I do.  But I _do_ see their point...just like I see yours.  I guess I'm torn, that's all.  I don't think anyone's wrong, really...but no one's completely right, either."

            Lily stared at Bella for a minute, expecting to feel some kind of anger...but strangely enough, she didn't.  Blowing out a breath and shaking her head, she said, "I can't say I blame you.  Sometimes I wish..."

The sentence hung in the air for a moment before Bella gently prompted, "You wish what?"

"I wish...I could be caught in the middle, unable to make up my mind.  But I can't...I just can't."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Lily.  You have a strong opinion...that's a good thing."

Lily laughed a humorless laugh and replied, "Yeah, well...it seems to get me involved in a whole lot of arguments."

Bella shrugged.  "So what?  At least you stand up for what you believe in...and people respect that."

"Yeah...I suppose.  It just seems like I don't need to be doing this, on top of everything else.  I just...I don't know.  I think about Petunia a lot, when we talk about this stuff..."

"Well, I'm sure she's not thinking about you," Bella broke in, her voice going hard.  It had never been a secret that Petunia and Arabella had hated each other from the first day they'd met.  Petunia had thought Bella a bad influence, and Bella had thought Petunia a bad sister.  Lily had spent a couple of years trying to warm them up to each other before reluctantly deciding that it was no use, and so from then on she'd been horribly torn.  Even now, after everything that had happened, Arabella refused to feel any kind of sympathy for Lily's sister...in fact, the way Petunia had handled the death of their parents and the way she'd treated Lily in the past months had only served to fuel the fire of Bella's hatred.

"Sorry," Bella said suddenly, breaking into Lily's thoughts, "I didn't mean to interrupt.  Go on with what you were saying."

Lily smiled...at least she was trying to make an effort.  "No, I was finished.  You're right...she's probably not thinking about me."

"I didn't mean that, Lily.  It was insensitive of me to say."

"Don't worry...you didn't say anything I didn't already know."

"Well," Arabella reasoned softly, "Knowing it isn't necessarily accepting it."

Lily knew all too well that this was absolutely true.  Sighing, she stood up with the rest of the class as Dumbledore began reading names and made her way over to where her assigned partner was sitting...an auror in training whom she'd never met.  They made a quick introduction and got to work, Lily still thinking about everything Arabella had said...as well as the things Potter had said that apparently made some sense to her best friend.

Half an hour later, she sat trying not to let her temper rise as the girl she was working with persisted in debating a point with her that had come up in the class discussion that had just ended.  She barely knew this girl – she was training to enter some defense department in the Ministry, and apparently she was a recent entry into the program.  They had been paired with the trainees that evening because Dumbledore had wanted them to work together on decoding an ancient rune.  His thinking was that the students would bring fresh knowledge of the academic study of runes, while the trainees would enhance the exercise with their practical knowledge.  Right at that moment, however, Lily wasn't benefiting the task at all...she couldn't concentrate.

"Look, I don't want to make you feel like I'm trying to start some huge argument," the girl was saying, obviously unable or unwilling to drop the subject, "I just want to know your opinion.  Your real opinion."

"I just gave you my real opinion.  I shared it with the entire class.  I honestly don't know what more you want me to say," Lily replied quietly, squinting at her paper.

"Come on," the girl said, leaning in conspiratorily, "You can't tell me you weren't being...just a bit stubborn just now.  On purpose."

Lily looked up, now completely distracted.  "What do you mean?"

"Well," the girl declared, leaning back in her chair again with an infuriatingly knowing look on her face, "You didn't exactly settle for some kind of mutual understanding, even when good points were being made for the other side.  You can't say that it didn't have just a little bit to do with pride."

"Pride?" Lily repeated, unable to grasp what she was implying.

"Because no one _agreed_ with you!" the girl insisted as though Lily were being thick.  Lily laid her quill down and folded her hands on the table in front of her, now resigned to and almost relishing the exchange of words she was about to get into with this girl.

"I'm sorry...what was your name again?" Lily asked in her head girl tone, her voice cool.  The girl raised an eyebrow at her and replied,

"Bess."

"Bess.  Well, Bess...I obviously don't remember it the way you do.  The way I remember it, several people were in agreement with me."

"I think it's because they felt sorry for you," Bess said flatly, and it made Lily's blood boil even as she kept a perfectly straight face.  She could see now what this was...this girl didn't agree with her.  In fact, it seemed that something Lily had said had bothered her.  Perhaps she'd been in Slytherin.

"I see...well, on this too, we'll have to disagree.  I simply fail to see how you can sit there and call _me_ stubborn when this entire conversation and it's lack of progress is clearly a result of your closed mind, not mine."

The girl's smirk suddenly turned to a frown as she accused, "You show a distinct disrespect for us, you know."

"Us?"

"You know what I mean," Bess clarified, waving a hand in the air, "Purebloods."

It suddenly dawned on Lily just what was going on here...in a flash, she understood that this girl had been offended by what she'd said.  Without having forseen it, Lily had just gotten herself into an argument about bloodlines...and she didn't feel quite comfortable with it.  Things like this could get ugly, and she wasn't sure how well she would be able to handle another conversation on this subject.  She was still trying to recover from the one that had ended minutes before.

"Look," Lily said quietly as she stared back at Bess, "I really don't think I want to talk about this anymore tonight.  I'm sorry if I offended you, but I just meant..."

"You didn't _offend_ me," Bess said slightly contemptuously, bending down again over her paper, evidently deciding to end the conversation here.  "I just think that if you have so many problems with the wizarding world and its policies, then why don't you just give up and go home?"

Lily felt the blood rush to her face and her stomach turn.  The words cut through her, leaving her insides raw.  Staring at the top of Bess's bent head, Lily tried to tell herself that the girl had no idea what she'd just said.  She had only wanted to make a strong point and she didn't know about Lily's life at all.  She knew this...nevertheless, the words repeated and echoed in her head, taunting her.

She _had_ no home...not anymore.  It was something she tried to avoid thinking about, but sometimes there was no way to run from your own mind.  There was nowhere to hide from the images now racing through her brain.  She wished she could just turn herself off.

            Her eyes, moving around in an attempt to stave off tears, travelled about the room of their own accord until her gaze unexpectedly collided with James Potter's.  He didn't flinch or even blink.  It was plain that he had heard the entire conversation and was now looking at her as he might look at a bomb that was about to explode.  His intense hazel eyes held a mixture of indignation and pity...and Lily tore her gaze away.

            Just at that moment, Dumbledore spoke.

            "If you would all put the solutions you have, however incomplete, in the folder on my desk before you leave.  Make sure to bring an extra pair of potting gloves with you on Monday..."

            She could feel her face tightening as she attempted to stay in control of herself for just a bit longer.  She knew she had to shove it from her mind until she could get out of there.  Thoughts of her home – the house that was no longer standing, the devistated town where she'd grown up - were leaking into the forefront of her mind, and there was nothing she could do to stop them.  All the while, she could feel Potter's eyes on her, waiting.  She knew that he would try and speak to her as soon as Dumbledore dismissed them.  It was inevitable, unless she could get away.

All she wanted to do was to be alone...to think.

"...don't send the letter.  Just bring it with you for next time, and we'll talk about it.  Dismissed."

The second he finished, she grabbed her books and was up and out of her chair before anyone else had even gathered their things together.  She could feel her throat constricting as the deluge of tears threatened impending humiliation, and she riveted her eyes on the open door as she made a break for it.

"Lily..."

She heard him say her name, and it only made her more frantic to escape.  She pushed past a few people and stepped out into the considerably cooler corridor...but the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as she felt him coming up behind her.

"Lily!" he said again, more sharply this time.  She couldn't let him see her break down.  Not again. 

Her only hope was the door to the girls bathroom across the corridor.  It was probably the only place in the castle where he couldn't follow her.  Lunging for the door, she reached out with a shaky hand and pushed her way inside, not stopping even as she practically threw her books loudly into one of the sinks.  Running into the nearest stall, she slammed the door shut and slammed her eyes shut. 

She suddenly heard the sound of the bathroom door crashing open and hitting the wall.  As her eyes shot open, she heard the door close again and the unmistakable click of the bolt being slid into place.  She stared hard at the wooden door of the stall, her heart hammering in her chest and her pain momentarily forgotten.

"Where are you?" came a firm voice from the direction of the sinks.  A _male_ voice.

She stepped back from the door and covered her mouth with both hands as her horrified eyes spilled hot tears onto her cheeks.

"Lily," he said quietly, his voice just on the other side of the door now, "Are you alright?"

She shook her head violently as though he could see her and tried to surpress her emotions, but it couldn't be done.  She wasn't sobbing, but her heavy breathing and sniffling echoed in the empty bathroom.

She heard him sigh, and then he said simply, "Please come out."

His voice was gentle and there was no trace of self-satisfation in his tone...he was trying very hard to help her, for whatever reason.  He couldn't know what she was feeling, what she was going through...she'd been right about that.  That didn't make it his fault...it _wasn't_ his fault.

She suddenly felt very small and terrible for the way she'd treated him until now. 

"James," she said brokenly, "I need to be alone."

"Lily, come on," he responded, his voice now containing a trace of urgency, "Just come out here and talk to me.  I heard everything...she didn't know what the hell she was saying."

"I know," she said, casting her eyes to the high ceiling above her, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"  There was a long silence this time before he finally finished, "For what?"

"I just...I just am.  Please, just g-go.  I don't w-want to be seen like this."

Now she was having trouble getting her words out, and she wished with all her might that he wouldn't make her talk anymore.  She sounded pitiful. 

There was a pause before he ventured, "I locked the door.  It's just me in here."

"No..."

"I just want to help you," he said, his voice slightly pained even as he tried to be soothing, "Let me help you, please."

She covered her face with her hands again, and her voice came out muffled and weak.  "I know...and I'm s-sorry..."

She trailed off into silence and gave up on speaking as the sobs got stronger.  She placed her palms on the cool wood of the door and then leaned her burning forehead between them.  She hated herself right then...hated what she'd become.  She had no center anymore, no sense of herself.  Who was there to tell her who she was or who she should be?  Her parents were gone, and as that girl had so clearly, if unknowingly, pointed out...she had no base, nowhere to go.  She felt so...aimless.  So lost.

For a few moments, the silence was broken only by the sounds she was making echoing through the room.  Finally, he spoke again, and Lily realized that he was right on the other side of the door...probably two inches from her face.

"I can't just leave you here alone like this."

He sounded as lost as she felt.  She shook her head again, but didn't respond.  If he was going to insist on staying, then there was no point arguing with him.  She didn't have the energy anyway.  She just remained like that, leaning on the door for support, her throat burning, for what seemed an eternity.  Then, suddenly, she heard the his footsteps recede and the sound of the door opening and closing again.  She squeezed her eyes shut...she'd wanted him to leave.

But knowing that he had only made her solitude feel more complete.

She stepped away from the door and sunk down to sit on the floor, feeling as though she might as well remain there.  Resting her head on her knees, she could think only of her bedroom...at home.  How much she wished she could lock herself in it right now...rather than in a drafty bathroom stall.

After a short while, she heard the door open again and her head shot up as she listened to footsteps entering.  After a moment she heard,

"Lily?"

Lily frowned, confused.  "Bella?"

"What's going on here?  What happened?"

Lily stood up and swiped at her puffy eyes before unlatching the door and peeping confusedly out.  Arabella's eyes widened when she saw her...Lily thought that she must look terrible.  Disregarding this for the moment, her eyes scanned the room as she asked,

"Where's...where's James?"

Arabella glanced at the sink and then went to retrieve Lily's books as she replied, "He came to get me.  He said you were in here, and that you needed me.  What happened?  I looked for you after class, but you were gone."

Lily didn't answer right away...she was lost in thought.  He'd gone to get Arabella.  He'd said he didn't want to leave her alone...and she'd told him she wanted him to leave.  She supposed...it was the only thing he could think to do for her.  She realized with a slight start that Arabella was still waiting for a response.

"Nothing happened.  Absolutely nothing."

"That's the biggest lie you've ever told me.  Something bloody well happened in that class."

"No, I mean it...when I say nothing happened, I mean nothing happened.  I just...got reminded of something, that's all.  Sometimes I just get...set off.  I...my emotions aren't as strong as they used to be."

It hurt Lily to admit this out loud.  Bella's brow furrowed as she said, "And you think you're weak because of it, is that it?"

Lily shrugged, and Bella sighed and put her hand on Lily's back, guiding her out of the bathroom as she replied, "Well, I could tell you it's not true, but you wouldn't listen to me anyway."

A moment later, Arabella asked, "Was it something _he_ said?"

Lily shook her head again.  "No.  He just...saw that I was upset.  He wanted to help."

Lily felt somehow that it was the wrong moment to tell Arabella that he'd chased her into the girls bathroom and locked the door behind him.  Bella didn't seem to see the hole in the story and asked, "Why?"

Lily shrugged uncomfortably at the reminder of another encounter with James she'd kept from Bella.  She had no intention of sharing it now. "I don't know.  I guess he wanted to try for a clean slate."

Bella snorted and said, "A clean slate?  Between you two?  That's a joke.  Your "slate" is way beyond cleaning.  Like...smashed into a million pieces.  Probably over _his_ hard head.  What's so funny?"

Lily shook her head and her faint smile faded as she replied, "Nothing...you just reminded me of a book I used to love.  Anyway, could we drop it, please?"

"Alright, fine.  I hate this, though."

"Hate what?"

"Never knowing the details."

Lily glanced over at Arabella and replied with a wan smile, "How about I just let you borrow the book, then?"

Bella looked back at her with a straight face, and Lily grew serious again and said, "Sorry...I know.  I know you hate it."

"No," Bella cut in with a sigh, "That's alright.  I know that one day, it'll all be explained.  I just hope it happens in _this_ life."

Lily linked her arm through Bella's in reply, and they continued silently on toward Gryffindor Tower, each lost in her own thoughts.

To Be Continued in Chapter Seven

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.thehiddentower.net


	8. Turning Pages

TITLE:  "Crossroads"

AUTHOR:  Emmyjean (emmyjeanbyahoo.com)

CLASSIFICATION:  J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY:  The long journey of James Potter and Lily Evans over the course of their last year at Hogwarts.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist.  Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:  This started as mere speculation and developed, over the course of MANY drafts, into a full-flegded story.  I hope you enjoy it.

**Chapter Seven**

Lily didn't sleep much that night, which wasn't a foreign situation to her but it seemed more damaging this time all the same.  She wasn't even trying to sleep...she merely lay there, staring out the window at the small slice of the night sky of which she was afforded a glimpse from her position in bed.  The moon was bright as it illuminated the dorm, and she wished that she could go out walking underneath it.  People used to think that staring at the moon brought insanity...but to Lily, the soft orb was and always had been a calming influence.  She buried her face further into her pillow as she remembered how she used to lie in her bed at home, staring at it through the dark branches of the magnolia tree outside her window.

She closed her eyes briefly as she thought once again about Petunia.  The more time passed since the day she'd found out about their parents, the sharper and more painful her need for her sister became.  She needed to speak with her...Lily knew that she would listen.  She _had_ to...they had no one else but each other now.  Petunia had never understood about the wizarding world...but who could blame her?  How can someone understand something they're not allowed to be a part of...something they're not really even allowed to see with their own eyes?

She had never even seen Hogwarts.

Turning onto her back, Lily grappled with the urge to simply run away.  What was magical ability worth if she was going to be alone in the world?  Images flashed through her mind...of class, of the Great Hall...a pang of homesickness hit her at the idea of not having any of it anymore.

But she wouldn't have it after this year was over, anyway, she thought grimly.  Where was she to go after that?

More thoughts drifted in and out of her head...of the castle grounds, and of all the professors.  Of Arabella.  James...

Her eyes closed again as she thought of him, and the urge to escape coarsed through her with renewed force.  She didn't know what she was going to say to him...but she had to say something.  She could see now how horribly she'd been treating him...and she'd never been one to hold grudges.  She'd acted unfairly and had refused all of his attempts at reconciliation...and it made her want to be sick when she thought of it.  When she thought of how he'd acted in that bathroom...how his only intent had been to help her somehow.

Turning over, she resolved that running wasn't an option this time.  She would have to speak with him as soon as she could...the very next time she saw him.

She bit her lip as she looked around the Great Hall, trying to spot either him or any of his friends.  She didn't know exactly what she would say to him if she did see him...or even if she'd say anything at all.  Last night had been the second time James Potter had seen her at her lowest point, and she didn't quite know how to approach him anymore.  Not that she ever had, but...somehow, this was different.

The first time, she'd been convinced that the only way to handle it was to act as though nothing had happened.  Not only had this tactic failed miserably, but for some reason, she didn't feel as though that was what she wanted this time.  She felt less...embarrassed.  Less vulnerable.  He didn't know how it was possible that another incident would minimize her fear of appearing weak, especially to him, but...it had.  Perhaps it was the way he'd spoken to her in that bathroom...or the way he handled it.  It was as though he'd known exactly what she needed in that moment, and he'd done everything he could to give it to her...even if it wasn't _his_ help she needed.

 She thought about it all day, every time she looked at him in class.  He, for his part, seemed to be avoiding looking in her direction.  Obviously, he was taking his cue from what she'd said she wanted last time, after that night in the common room...he was leaving her completely alone.

Lily didn't know what she wanted from him...but she knew that it wasn't this.  This couldn't go on.

After dinner, they had a meeting in McGonagall's office.  It seemed horribly awkward, although Lily doubted the professor noticed anything out of the ordinary.  Perhaps it was just her own mind playing tricks on her...but something about his demeanor, his tone of voice...she scarcely believed it, but it was clear that he was somehow...hurt.  Then again, as the past few weeks were clearly demonstrating, perhaps she hadn't known him as well as she'd thought at the beginning of the year.  So much had changed since then.

"Oh, one more thing before you go," McGonagall called out at the end of the meeting, as they were about to walk out the door, "I want one or both of you to clear out the north tower balcony again tonight.  It's getting out of hand."

There was a pause, and then James said quietly, "I'll do it."

McGonagall looked at him and added, "I want you to go up there late...eleven or so.  It seems to be the busiest time.  Don't just go up and come right back down, either...I want you to stay there for awhile and catch people coming in.  Understood?"

He nodded, and Lily followed him out of the office.  Once in the corridor, James said, "I'll just go.  You don't have to bother with it."

She was about to offer to go with him, but something in his eyes stopped her.  She knew he wasn't angry at her, but he seemed somehow resolved.  He didn't _want_ her to offer...he would think she was doing it because she thought she owed it to him.  So, she simply nodded her head in weak agreement, and then they went their separate ways. 

By the time that evening came around, however, she felt weighed down by the feeling of guilt that wracked her.  Bella finally threw down her gobstones in frustration and asked,  "What in the world is the matter with you, Lil?  You're acting strange."

Lily looked at Bella and opened her mouth to deny that anything was bothering her, but instead sighed and pressed a hand to her forehead.  "I don't know.  I'm just reflecting on how I've...changed."

"Changed?"

Lily nodded and threw her own gobstones on the table next to Bella's.  "For the worse, I'm afraid."

Bella frowned.  "Changed for the worse?  What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed," Lily challenged mildly, looking Arabella in the eye, "How I've been treating everyone like dirt, including myself. How I've been acting like I belong in a madhouse, I'm so paranoid about every little..."

"Lily," Bella interrupted quietly, "You've been through some rough times.  Stop being so hard on yourself."

Lily shook her head slowly, rolling the gobstones in her hand and staring at them as though they held the key to everything.  Taking a breath, she replied, "Everyone goes through rough times, Bella.  It's the way life is...but it doesn't give someone the right to treat other people badly."

"What?" Bella asked, confused, "Who have you been treating badly?"

Lily didn't respond, but looked across the room as James Potter stood up and grabbed his cloak, heading for the portrait hole.  Arabella swiveled in her chair to see what Lily was looking at, and then turned back to face her with comprehension in her eyes.

"He wasn't exactly a prince to you before, you know."

Lily turned her eyes back to her friend, who was looking at her in all earnestness.  She knew Bella still held a grudge against James for everything that had happened before her parents died, but then again, Bella was all for Lily.  She didn't care what else had been happening at the time...in her mind, Lily was the one to stand up for.  Lily herself knew deep down that she had made up at least half of the unpleasantness that had existed between them then...and she created every last bit of what was strained between them now.  She had become afraid...she didn't know of what, exactly, but it was a general fear that consumed her at every moment of every day.  Fear of being hurt, she supposed, coupled with fear of being seen as vulnerable...and as a result, she was making herself look weaker than she knew she was. 

She didn't want this.  She needed to overcome it...for herself, and also for those she was indirectly and unjustly punishing.  Standing up suddenly, she muttered some parting words to Arabella and ran to the portrait hole through which James had just left.  It swung open, and as she stepped out into the corridor, she could see him walking at the far end of the passage, just about to turn the corner.

"James!" she called, and he turned.  Even from this distance, she could see his surprise.  She hurried to catch up with him, and his black brows furrowed as she drew nearer.

"What is it?" he asked, concern tinting his tone.  She hesitated for only a moment before replying,

"I thought I'd go with you."

He didn't say anything for a moment, but his eyes betrayed his conflicting thoughts.  "No...it's alright.  You don't have to..."

"I'd like to, if you don't mind," she interrupted.  He shut his mouth, and then simply nodded a concession as they began walking toward the staircase.  Lily had planned what she was going to say to him as she ran over, but now that she was actually walking beside him she forgot everything.  She knew she wanted to apologize, but she also knew he wouldn't accept an apology.  She wanted to set the record straight, to thank him properly for everything he had done for her...she wanted to accomplish a lot of things.  She simply didn't have any idea where to begin.  As the awkward silence stretched on, she knew she had to say _something_, and decided to start small and work her way to a comfortable place from there.

"Um," she ventured, and her voice sounded like a whipcrack in the oppresive silence, "I, uh...I never did get to tell you about my exam."

His step faltered almost imperceptibly, and there was a brief silence before he asked confusedly, "Sorry?"

She prayed that this wasn't the most idiotic thing she had ever done, as she couldn't think of anything else to say at the moment.  She wanted to make up for her previously cold attitude, and this seemed like it might work.  She needed to start small...she didn't want to just blurt everything out.  Taking a small breath, she continued, "You...you asked about my arithmancy exam the other day?"

"Oh," he said in a low voice, "Oh...yeah.  That's right."

She wondered briefly if he even truly cared about her stupid exam or if he had merely been asking to be polite...but the brief memory of the look on his face when she had spilled her worries to Arabella in class after having brushed him off was enough to keep her talking.

"Well, I was a bit preoccupied when you asked before...sorry about that," she said quickly, then went on in something of a rush, "The truth is, it was absolutely horrible."

She paused to give him a chance to either end the conversation or encourage her to continue, thinking that she could at least give him the choice.  After a second, he responded, "It was horrible?"

This was enough.  She proceeded to tell him all about her troubles with Professor Abernathy, and she didn't even really care for once that she was rambling.  She figured _anything_ was better than stony silence, and besides, it eased what would otherwise have been an awkward walk to the north tower.  She never looked at him...she was afraid of what she'd see if she looked him in the face.

"Anyway," she finished as they climbed the last staircase leading to the balcony, "Do you think that was wrong of me, to question her?  I mean, it's not as if I did it in front of the whole class...and shouldn't I be allowed to ask questions?  Or...I don't know, what would _you_ have done?"

There was a short silence, and she thought for a brief moment that he hadn't been listening to her at all and wasn't aware that she had asked him anything.  Just as she was about to repeat herself, he said quietly,

"_I_ wouldn't have taken arithmancy."

She shot her gaze up to his face, and found that he was looking at her with a definite twinkle in his hazel eyes.  He was teasing her.  Relief flooded through her veins with surprising force, making her feel warm in the face.  Perhaps she didn't have to drag everything up again...perhaps it was enough just to show him that she wanted to move forward.  Perhaps he didn't want to talk about everything, either.

They finally got to the door, and she discovered that she didn't want to go through first.  This was her least favorite duty of Head Girl, and she had usually let him do it in the past.  He seemed to enjoy it.  He noticed her hesitation and went through the door ahead of her.  All she could see in front of her was his back, and before she could even look around she heard surprised gasps from a few feet away.

"Come on," James said, "You know the risks of coming here...everyone does.  That's ten points from Hufflepuff, and have a lovely evening!"

Lily smiled discreetly...he truly did enjoy this.  As they walked around the length of the balcony, which wrapped all the way around the tower, she didn't have to say a word...he did everything himself.

"Jones," he called to one older-looking Ravenclaw boy, "Didn't I catch you here last time?  With a different person?"

The boy turned red, as did his girlfriend.  Lily stifled a giggle as they walked swiftly past them.   James turned to look at her, and she shot him a disapproving look.  "Really nice."

He shrugged and replied, "He's a self-important prat.  Otherwise I wouldn't have said it."

They turned the last corner to find one more couple, huddled behind a statue.  James shook his head and said,  "Allman...guess what?"

The boy, Christopher Allman, stepped out from behind the statue with a dissheveled-looking Hufflepuff girl.  Lily recognized him as a sixth-year Gryffindor, and he gave her a polite smile when he saw her.  She smiled back, arching an eyebrow at his grace-under-pressure.

"Aww...come on, Potter."

James quirked a brow of his own and replied, "No points, but only this time.  Go and find yourself an empty classroom."

Chris grinned at them, then took his girl by the hand and dragged her behind him inside the tower.  Lily looked around, then commented, "Is that all?"

James glanced about as well, then nodded.  "I guess so...but we have to stay here."

"Yeah," Lily confirmed, recalling what McGonagall had said that afternoon.  She sighed as she walked over to a nearby ledge and gingerly perched on it's edge.  She looked up at him then, and found him looking back at her with a pensive look on his face...even slightly perplexed.  He quickly averted his gaze to the mountains beyond the castle grounds as their eyes met, but not quickly enough to prevent cold realization from washing over Lily.  She didn't have a choice...she had to talk to him.  Really talk to him.  She owed him that much.  Swallowing the clog in her throat, she said softly,

"James."

He returned his eyes to her face, and she could see in the dim light that his expression was expectant...and slightly nervous.  Taking a breath, she began, "I wanted to...thank you."

He shook his head immediately.  "There's no need.  Really."

"No, there is," she contradicted, her voice coming out stronger now, "You've been nothing but considerate and..."

"Look, please don't do this," he interrupted firmly, "I don't want gratitude from you."

She must have looked a bit thunderstruck at his unexpectedly virulent tone because one look at her face and he hastened to explain himself further.

"I don't...I never expected anything from you.  I've been feeling like a prat ever since that day...outside the Great Hall.  You didn't want coddling, and you certainly didn't need a fight.  I should have known both those things."

"James..."

"Really, Lily," he said, taking a step closer to her as he softened his voice, "I don't want you to apologize."

She briefly contemplated ignoring his protesting and insisting on the apology, but she could see that it would make him uncomfortable.  Perhaps even angry.  If this was what he wanted from her, then it was the least she could do.  After all...he had never pushed her.  Not in front of the fire in the common room, and not in the bathroom.  She would give him the same respect.

 Nodding, she decided to just let silence reign for a moment instead of making inane small talk.  Reaching into her robes, she took out the book she had brought up here with her...she had grabbed it as she was rushing out of the common room.  Her thought was that if the 'breaking the ice' plan with James hadn't worked, she would at least be spared from sitting in uncomfortable silence the entire time – but she really did need to get some reading done.  This book was due back at the library in a couple of days, and she wasn't even halfway finished.

"Which one is that?"

She looked up to find James lounging on the stone bench across the way, and he inclined his head at the book in her hand.  She glanced at it and replied, "Oh...it's called, "Chinese Charmwork – A Cultural Guide".  It's really very interesting to compare the historical development of magical techniques over the centuries, and how they're seperated by geographical influences.  I've found that it's very helpful to..."

She broke off, checking herself sternly.  She would _not_ go into a long, rambling speech about all this, as she tended to do with Arabella and Helen all the time.  It was a dangerous thing, to ask her about her newfound quest in defense charms – she often lost track of herself.  Shrugging sheepishly at him, she said, "I'm sure you didn't need that much information...sorry.  I tend to get carried away when people ask me about these things."

He raised his eyebrows and replied simply, "I wouldn't have asked at all if I wasn't interested."

She regarded him for a moment, trying to gauge his seriousness.  It occurred to her that he might be asking about this because he still harbored some sort of guilt complex, but decided that she simply wasn't going to think about that anymore.  From now on, she was just going to work with what he showed her...not assumptions that she made about his motives.  That not only went for him, but everyone else as well.

"I s'pose not," she conceeded after a moment, "I just wouldn't want to bore you."

He smiled slightly, and then asked, "Have I ever hesitated to inform someone if they're boring me?"

Lily smiled back and replied, "Well...not as far as I've seen."

James nodded his head and stood up, walking over to where she was sitting to stand beside her.  Looking out over the grounds, he replied, "So...if you were, I would.  Tell you, I mean."

She bit her lip as she looked at his profile.  "I um...if you _did_ tell me I was boring you..."

He turned his head and looked at her, and she was surprised suddenly by how warm his hazel eyes seemed as they regarded her.  She somehow couldn't quite understand how she had always found them so cold before.  Looking back down at her lap, she said,  "I promise...I won't be offended."

He didn't say anything for a moment, and when she turned to look at him again he was still watching her.  He looked away quickly, stepping back and running his eyes over the wall she was sitting on as he replied, "You won't?"

There was a brief silence, and then she replied, "I'm just saying...I'll make an effort not to be.  From now on."

His gaze shot back up to hers and, after a moment, he said, "That's good enough for me."

She felt an odd sensation in her stomach...it was a strange amalgamation that felt something like joy and nervousness at the same time.  They were _finally_ coming to an understanding.  She cleared her throat and said simply, "Well...there it is, then."

He nodded slightly, and then went back to perusing the wall.  She wondered briefly what he was looking at, and then remembered all the carved names that were covering the stone.  Not wanting to stop the conversation just yet, she asked, "Anyone interesting?"

He looked up and let out a laugh, "No...no surprises yet.  Just people I figured would be up here...look.  Here's Mark Reiley up here five times."

"Five?" Lily repeated, craning her neck so that she could see without leaving her perch.

"With five different girls, too."

She laughed at this, and he along with her.  They spent a few minutes reading names off the wall and laughing about them...from the obvious to the unlikely.  He shook his head finally and commented, "You know...I never understood this."

"What?"

"This," he replied, gesturing to the wall, "Writing your name on the wall.  What's the point?"

She shrugged and replied, "It's just evidence that you broke school rules by being here."

He quirked a brow at her and said teasingly, "How did I know you'd say something like that?  But really, it's just...why would you want to set something in stone like that?  I never..."

He stopped, narrowing his eyes at something on the wall behind the Cupid statue on her right.

"What?" Lily asked, "Who is it?"

He inched a bit closer to the stone, his eyes widening a bit behind his glasses.

"_Arabella Figg and Lily Evans were here_?" he read incredulously, and Lily felt her cheeks burn as she was hit with the realization that this was indeed the same statue they had hid behind that one evening.  She grew even more embarrased at the memory of from what – or rather, _whom_ – they had been hiding.  James, meanwhile, was looking at her with an expression of laughing disbelief on his face.

"You have to tell, now."

Lily grimaced as she replied, "Oh, it's so silly...that happened months ago."

"The sillier the better," he replied, leaping up to sit beside her on the ledge.  It made her feel slightly uncomfortable, but she hid it in the interest of patching things up.  Rolling her eyes, she relented.

"Alright...but it doesn't leave this balcony."

He shook his head gravely, and she smiled a bit as she explained.  He asked for it.

"Well, it was all because Arabella made this bet with this girl...anyway, we had to come up here and see for sure whether this girl was here or not.  She wasn't, and..."  Lily broke off, trying to decide how to say this properly.

"Yes?" James prompted impatiently.

"Well...before we could get out of here, a couple came up to...whatever they do up here, and we got stuck.  We hid behind that statue for about an hour, and...well, _I_ didn't do it."

James was laughing, and Lily could feel herself getting caught up in his good humor.  His laugh was contagious.  He took a breath and asked,  "You do know that'll never come off, right?"

Lily sighed and replied, "Yes...I know.  Like I said..._I_ didn't write it.  Bella did."

"Yeah, okay...but having your name up on this wall is just proof that you were up here in direct violation of school rules.  I should probably take points."

She let out a huff of laughter and replied, "Just try it.  Go on."

He grinned broadly and replied, "Nah...I'll let it go this once.  On one condition..."

Lily looked at him and asked, her eyebrows up, "Which is?"

Even though she hadn't thought it possible, his grin broadened as he demanded, "Tell me who it was that you were hiding from that night."

She blanched...this was exactly what she had been trying to avoid.  How had she managed to lose control of the conversation?  Looking back down at her book in case she was turning pink, she replied sternly, "Absolutely not."

"Why?"

"Because," she said, praying he would drop it but not really expecting he would, "It would be breaking a confidence...I can't do that."

"Oh, come on," he persisted, leaning forward a little to try and catch her downcast eyes, "They deserve it...they were the ones that snuck up here.  Besides, they'll never know."

"No."

"Lily," he said in a persuasive voice, "You know you want to tell...I can see it all over your face.  Besides, I'm not going to let up until you do...and you have almost all of your classes with me, so you might want to consider that a potent threat."

She looked up at him and found his eyes twinkling playfully...he was having too good a time taunting her.  She suddenly changed her mind about telling him who it was...she had been adamant that she wouldn't and was just cursing herself for starting the conversation at all, but now she thought maybe she'd give him a taste of his own medicine.  He wasn't the only one who could play with blackmail.  Smiling slightly, she asked,

"You really want to know, eh?"

He nodded slowly, holding the challenge in her gaze.  She went on, "Alright, I'll tell you who the girl was...but you'll have to figure out the boy on your own."

His eyes lit up momentarily and he replied, "Even better.  This happened...what, in late October?"

She nodded, and he smirked at her.  "Don't think I won't guess it, Evans.  I'm very good at that kind of thing."

She looked back down at her book and replied cryptically, "I'll bet."

Hopping off the ledge, she took a few light steps away from him, pretending to be engrossed in her book.  Keeping her face neutral, she said clearly, "Carmelina Thompson."

There was a pause in which she assumed he was putting two and two together in his head.  She bit her lip to keep from laughing as she waited for him to say something...but he didn't.  After a moment, she looked up to find him immobile, staring blankly at the ground near her feet with the oddest expression on his face.  He didn't exactly look shocked...but he definitely wasn't smiling.  He didn't find it funny.  She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach as she realized she must have made him angry...perhaps it couldn't be avoided.  She closed her book, keeping her page with her finger, and ventured hesitantly,

"James?"

He swallowed and asked quietly, "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Sorry?" she asked.  He surely couldn't mean to say she should have told him about this before if she didn't have to.

"I mean...you didn't have to sit there all that time."

He wasn't saying it in an accusatory manner...it was almost like he was sorry for making her wait, which was ridiculous.  He seemed mortified, and that wasn't what she had wanted or expected.  Embarrased, a little chagrined perhaps...not mortified.  She shook her head and tried to make light of it, thinking that she didn't want to ruin the feeling of comraderie they had managed to achieve over the past hour or so.  "Well...I didn't think it would go over very well, under the circumstances."

Rather than laugh or even smile looked up at her and held her gaze steadily.  "That was before...before everything changed."

He was completely serious.  She stopped smiling and nodded slowly, casting her eyes down to stare at the names on the wall below where he was sitting.  After a moment, he went on,

"Where did we go wrong?  I mean...when did we get off on the wrong foot?"

She was surprised at the question, but thought about it for a minute.  "I don't know...I think it was just a matter of conflicting personalities, actually.  We were never friends."

He sighed, and replied, "Yeah...much to my constant annoyance.  I fancied you, then.  Remember?"

She could feel her face coloring...she'd forgotten all about that.  Laughing shortly, she replied, "Yeah...I remember."

He smiled wryly at himself, and then said quietly, "Then there was that one night, fifth year...with that fire."

She cringed thinking about that night...it had been one of the worst of her young life.  Before she could say anything, he continued, "I always resented you for going to McGonagall about it, but now I see that I was truly the one at fault.  You had every right to report that.  I only wish _I_ was that responsible."

She looked him in the eye now, and he was looking right back at her.  It was almost as if he was making a confession or something...and she found that she had yet another thing to be guilty for as she looked back on that night.  She thought briefly about all the times she had accused him of taking his duties lightly, of being a lax Head Boy...she regretted saying it now, as it had apparently had more of an effect that she'd thought.  Taking a breath, not certain that this was a good time to bring this out into the open, she nevertheless said,

"There's something else you don't know about that night, though."  He raised his eyebrows slightly without breaking eye contact, and she admitted, "I never told McGonagall about that fire."

He frowned at this, and then asked, "Then how did she find out?"

"She found out from Madam Pomfrey."

James looked at her as though he thought she was going mad for a moment, he was so utterly confused.  She suddenly realized how silly it was that he didn't know this already, and before he could ask her to elaborate she clarified, "When the curtains came down off the rods, they fell right on my arm.  I...I got something of a bad burn, and had to go to the hospital wing.  Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me leave until I told her how I got it, and so I had to say it.  She knew already, anyway...but I didn't give her names.  She must have told McGonagall before I was even out of the room, because the professor was in the common room by the time I got back that night."

He just stared at her.  She swallowed nervously, wondering if he was angry, wishing he'd say something.  After a moment, he did.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She shrugged slowly.  "I really don't know.  I guess I...I was rebelling.  I didn't think you deserved to know if you didn't bother to ask."

He looked down at the ground then, his brow furrowed in concentration.  She couldn't stand the silence and blurted, "It was stupid...I realize that now.  I should have told you straight away."

He shook his head and responded, "No...no, you were right.  I should have asked for the whole story before making accusations."

They were silent for a moment, and then he looked up at her.  There was great emotion in his eyes...veiled, and Lily couldn't tell in the darkness exactly what he was feeling.  His voice was quiet as he said simply, "I'm sorry."

He meant it.  She nodded in return and replied sincerely, "Me, too."

They looked at each other for a minute before Lily began to feel uncomfortable again.  Shaking her head in an attempt to cast off the gloom, she said lightly, "Such a waste, isn't it?  I mean, it could have prevented a whole lot of things.  If we hadn't been so filled with self-righteous indignation, we could have gotten to know each other enough to dispel a lot of assumptions."

She smiled a little, and he nodded.  "Yeah...I know."

After a brief pause, he said idly, "You know why I hated you?"

She shook her head, a bit taken aback by his bluntness.  It was true, of course...they had hated each other.  He explained in a low voice, "I think it started before the fire incident, but that solidified it for me.  I used to think you were the most stuck-up, swotty, snobbish girl I'd ever met."

He glanced up at her to take the edge away from what he was saying, his eyes friendly.  She smiled and replied, "Well...you probably weren't too far off with some of those."

"Oh, yes I was," he said softly, and she felt the odd feeling in the pit of her stomach again.  She was so relieved that they were making such progress.  He went on, "It was just because I liked you so much, and you wouldn't give me the time of day, and I just didn't _get_ it.  I was a complete arse."

She laughed and said, "You weren't the only one, you know.  I don't even want to say what I thought you were."

"Do it anyway," he said, coming down off the ledge and walking closer to her, "It's theraputic."

She smiled hesitantly and looked at the now-closed book in her hands as she replied, "I don't know.  I guess I just thought you were a...prat.  I didn't like the attitude you took with your responsibilities as Head Boy...but only because I was so uptight about the whole thing."

"No...you weren't."

"Yes, I was," she insisted, knowing he was being overly forgiving with her now, "I took the position entirely too seriously."

"You were right, though...I _was_ too lenient," he said, and she shook her head.

"Then we were both at fault."

There was a momentary lapse in the conversation, and then James said, "I was terrible to you, wasn't I?"

She opened her mouth to lessen the truth behind it, but he held up a hand and went on, "I know I was...you don't have to say it.  I really regret a lot of the things I said, now.  I guess...I suppose it was a defense mechanism.  You were always criticizing my way of doing things, and deep down I knew you were mostly justified.  Rather than admit it to myself, I simply proceeded to try and tear your self-esteem to shreds."

She looked up to find him looking at her earnestly, with guilt tainting his expression.  She shook her head and replied, "You don't have to apologize."

He laughed humorlessly and retorted, "Yes, I do.  Mostly just to ease my own guilt."

She looked back down at the ground...he did still feel horribly guilty.  He was in the process of clearing his conscience, as she had thought.  Before she could reply, however, he added, "But that's not the only reason.  I really don't want it to be awkward between us anymore...I feel like we should just let it go, once and for all.  I'd like to...," he paused, and then finished, "I'd like things to be different."

She took a few steps away from him, suddenly feeling like she needed space.  She went to the ledge and looked out over the Hogwarts grounds...it really was a lovely night.  She could see the black outlines of the forest trees against the night sky, and the moonlight reflected off the lake.  After a moment, she said,  "I shouldn't have been so critical.   I had no right...and I wasn't justified.  Not at all.  You're..."

She looked over her shoulder at him then, and found him standing with his hands in the pockets of his cloak.  She smiled a small smile and finished, "You're not who I thought you were."

Turning back to look at the Quidditch field in the distance, she watched the flags ripple in the cool breeze.  It was just nearing the end of March now, and she could smell spring in the air already.  It was unseasonably warm.  She heard footsteps behind her, and soon James was standing beside her at the ledge.  They stayed quiet for a moment, thinking their own thoughts, until finally he said softly,

"I guess we were both pleasantly surprised, then."

She couldn't remember feeling this much relief in a long time...it was as if it was the first thing that had gone right for her in months.  As they stood there, she thought about how odd it was that she was able to feel so at ease with him after only an hour or so of decent conversation.   She surprised even herself at how willing she was to open up to him, and how much she had ended up revealing about herself.  He made her feel that she could trust him, which was something she never would have dreamed possible. 

Perhaps she could be his friend.  She turned to glance at him, and found him already looking at her.   She asked, "What time is it?"

He looked down at his watch, then a smile crept across his face as he replied, "It's one o'clock."

She jumped at the response and exclaimed, "In the morning!?"

He nodded, and she pushed herself away from the stone railing and headed for the door.  "We've been out here for two hours!  We should be getting back...this doesn't look good."

"Doesn't look good?" he repeated, following her.  She shook her head and felt her cheeks get warm – that hadn't come out sounding right.

"You know what I mean...we were supposed to be clearing the place out, and then we stay up here talking for two hours?  It's not exactly fair."

Upon saying this, she dropped her book.  Bending quickly to pick it up, she straighened and found him ahead of her.  Following his lead now, she almost crashed into his back as he stopped abruptly in the doorway.

"Callahan," James said, annoyed, "What do you think you're doing?  It's one o'clock in the bloody morning!"

Lily tried to see over his shoulder, but he was too tall.  She assumed he was talking to a student who had just shown up, and then she heard the boy's voice answer sarcastically, "Right, Potter...as if you're any better.  Head Boy or not...I'm sure _you_ got your time's worth up here, as usual."

Lily saw James' back stiffen dangerously, and before he had a chance to reply she sidestepped him and made herself known.  The boy – George Callahan – went pale when he recognized her in the darkness.

"Oh...Lily.  I, uh...I didn't see you..."

"You know," she said, "We wouldn't have to be here at all if it weren't for people like you who _insist_ on coming up here against school policy.  Now, shall I walk you down or can you find your own way back?"

He turned red now, and glanced at the disappointed-looking girl he was with as he replied, "No...we're going.  Come on."

Once they were gone, she turned and smiled at James.  "It's a good thing we _did_ stay up here, I suppose...it wasn't a total waste."

But James didn't seem all that enthusiastic...he looked extremely uneasy.  "Um...sorry about that.  He didn't know what he was talking about."

He was taking it with less humor than she would have expected – perhaps he thought she was offended.  She smiled and replied, "Oh...don't worry about it.  We really should go, though...it's late."

He looked at her for a moment, then nodded.  They walked back to the common room in relative silence, as if the conversation they had just had had worn them both out.   For once, however, it was a comfortable silence that Lily didn't feel the need to fill.  She once again marvelled at how easy it was to be his friend...if that was indeed what she was becoming.

She woke up groggily the next morning to Arabella shaking her shoulder.

"Come on...time to get up."

Lily lifted her head from the pillow and threw a look out the window at the overcast sky.  It looked like it was raining.  "What, already?"

Bella smirked and replied, "Yeah, already.  We don't want another episode like we had last week, do we?"

Lily rolled her eyes and threw off her covers.  Standing, she grabbed her uniform and robes and headed for the showers.  Once they were all dressed, they went down to the Hall for breakfast.  For the first time in days, Lily didn't have a nervous stomach and actually found herself to be hungry.  As they walked to a spot at the table that was clear, they passed James and his friends.  He looked up at Lily as she passed and gave her a small wave.  She returned it with a small smile, and then almost slammed right into Bella as she stopped suddenly. 

"Let's just sit here...end of the line," she said, seating herself on the bench at the very end of the table.  Helen went to sit across from her, and Lily followed.  After she sat down and was already eating a piece of toast, Bella asked, "So, you and Potter aren't at each others' throats anymore, I see?"

Lily shook her head and replied, "No.  We're not."

Arabella said nothing, just nodded. Lily had to admit she felt better now that she and James had really talked, although the sight of him still pricked her conscience a bit as she was reminded of the way she had acted.  She decided that it was past, however, and that she shouldn't dwell on it.  Nor should she dwell on the fact that he still seemed preoccupied with her.  Later, at lunch, she found herself hit with a strong fatigue, as usual.  She picked at her food, trying to do something with her hands so that it would give her something to focus her attention on...but she couldn't fight it.  Her eyelids felt like they were made of lead.  As she heard the bell ring and stood up with everyone else, feeling groggy and unhappy, she wondered if this was ever going to end.

The following day was Sunday, and Lily spent it sitting in the library reading her newest book about charmwork.  She had spent the last couple of days pouring over it, as it was one of the most interesting she had read yet.  Truth be told, she was getting a bit worried, as she had read almost every volume in the charms section and quite a few from the defense shelves.  What she was going to do when she was through them all, she didn't know...she didn't really like to think about it.  Perhaps she'd ask Professor Flitwick to give her a bit of extra instruction outside of class...between that, Dumbledore's class, and her reading, she was bound to get a good and realistic feel for how the business of defense charms was carried out.

She smiled slightly to herself...she never thought she'd see the day when she would be using reading to pass time between _other_ things.  She reached to turn the page in her book when suddenly it was snatched from her hand.  Looking up, startled, she found James standing there smirking at her.  Lazily taking the seat across the table, he remarked,

"So this is what you've been doing all day.  I was beginning to think you'd been expelled or something."

She smiled at him and replied, "Expelled?  I should think I'd have to do something truly horrible to fall from being Head Girl to being kicked out.

He shrugged as he handed her back her book, his index finger still holding her place. "Nothing's impossible, right?"

She shook her head at him, and he smiled back at her.  She had to admit that life progressed a lot easier with her newfound determination to refrain from analyzing everything that everybody did.  She had learned quickly in the past couple of days that not everything was about her all the time, and she liked the feeling of freedom it allowed her.  On top of that, she was quite enjoying the newfound comraderie she had with James Potter...she found they truly seemed to enjoy each others' company.  It made her wonder constantly why they hadn't settled things years ago.

"What are _you_ doing in here?" she asked him as she marked her page with a scrap of paper.  He frowned, glanced around, and replied,

"I don't know...I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.  I was looking for food."

She laughed...which she had been doing much more lately.  Shooting him a look, she commented, "Hmm...yeah, you took the wrong staircase.  Better hurry, too...I heard they're serving pot pie for lunch."

He regarded her for a moment, then asked, "You haven't eaten?"

She shook her head in the negative, and he invited, "Want to walk down with me?"

She hesitated for a moment...she was planning on trying to catch a half hour of sleep, as she still wasn't over her insomnia.  He seemed to read her mind and declared, "You're not going back to the Tower."

She raised an eyebrow at him.  "I'm not?"

"No," he said flatly and stood up, "And come to think of it, I think we should start having the points meetings over lunch instead of in the evenings."

"Why?" she asked, indignation creeping into her voice despite her best efforts to quell it.  He seemed unconcerned as he replied,

"Because you can't sleep through lunch every day."

She stared at him for a moment, then released the breath she'd been holding and shook her head.  "Well...that's fine, but that's only one day a week.  What about the other four days of the work week?"

He shot her a look and replied, "Maybe I'll suddenly get really strict with people.  Triple the number of points I give out."

She smiled and said, "But only to members of other houses, of course."

He grinned at her.  "Well...I can't help it if Gryffindors are perfect."

Lily laughed and conceeded, "Just let me get my things together."

He waited in silence as she threw her books into her bag, and then she stood up.  As they were walking out of the library, he asked, "Where are your friends?"

She shrugged and replied, "Probably off somewhere talking about what a bore I am."

"You?" he repeated, laughing, "Why?"

She arched an eyebrow at him and replied, "What do you mean, 'why'?  Because I've spent the last two days in the library reading when there were plenty of other things to do.  Plus, I sleep through lunch..._that's_ what a bore I am.  Now you can pass judgement accordingly."

Chuckling, he decided, "Nah...I think I'd better not at this point."

They walked in silence for a moment before he spoke again.  "So...the book's _that_ good, huh?"

She nodded enthusiastically and replied, "Oh, yes...the chapters fly by.  Or, they seem to while you're reading, anyway."

"Are defense charms more complicated than regular charms, or is it just a matter of a different type?" he inquired.  She felt her stomach do an excited little jump...no one had ever asked her about this before.  She would love to have someone to talk about it with, but it seemed none of her friends felt qualified to ask...well, except Bella, but she couldn't burden her with _everything_.

"It depends on the charm, but the main reason they aren't available to the general public is due to their power...you have to be specially trained."

He nodded thoughtfully, then asked, "So, none of these books actually tell you how to _do_ any of these charms?"

She shook her head, and he blew out a breath before declaring, "I don't think I could live with that.  I'd have to figure out how to perform some of them."

She smiled and said, "Well...you'd probably get expelled."

He glanced at her and smiled a bit cryptically.  "You'd be surprised what rules you can break without getting expelled."

"I would _hope_ I'd be surprised...but I'm beginning to think I wouldn't.  Anyway, it's not a matter of what rules are broken...it's whether or not you can avoid getting caught."

His smile spread into a sly grin.  "Ah...that's where the skill's involved.  _That's_ where _I_ excel."

She laughed and replied, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

"Thanks."

They turned the corner and went through the Great Hall doors.  Lily glanced around to find that Arabella and Helen weren't there yet, but Remus Lupin was sitting at the table waiting.  He looked up and smiled pleasantly as he saw them approaching.  Lily took a seat a little ways down from where he was sitting, and James slowed a bit as he glanced across the table at her.  To her slight surprise, he straddled the bench across from her and started searching through his bag for something.

"I just remembered...I have a note to give you from McGonagall."

"Oh?" Lily asked, her eyebrows shooting up, "What is it?"

He sent her a look and shook his head as he replied, "Don't worry - I think it's just a list of things she wants us to get done before the end of the month...I got one, too."

She nodded, and he handed her a roll of parchment across the table.  Before she could take it, he pulled it just out of her grasp and, with a smile, asked, "Where's my thank you?"

She shot him a mock glare and grabbed the parchment out of his hand.  He laughed softly, and she said,

"Thanks alot.  Now, don't you have people waiting for you?"

"I should think so."  The voice came from right behind James, and Lily looked up in surprise to see that it was Arabella...but Arabella didn't look at all happy.  She was regarding James coldly, her eyebrow arched.  Something told Lily that this wasn't going to end well, but before she could say anything, Bella continued in a voice dripping with disdain, "Now...you're in my seat."

Even the most horrible imbecile couldn't have missed the animosity in her tone, and Lily could feel herself going dark pink.  James, for his part, didn't say anything...but after he got over his initial surprise at her sudden and harsh interruption, his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits as he matched Arabella's intense stare.  Her eyebrows going up now, Arabella changed her expression to one of feigned unconcern.

"So," she said expectantly, "Goodbye."

If there had been a way to shut Arabella up without killing her, Lily would have done it.  As it was, the damage was done...James looked as furious as Lily had ever seen him look.  His jaw was set, and his brows were drawn together in a dark frown.  The hate generated from each of them was palpable...but it wasn't a heated dislike.  It was cold and unemotional, and more a battle of wills than anything else.  She watched James closely...Arabella was a spitfire and occasional loudmouth, but Lily knew that James was more than a match for her in that regard.  She had been on the receiving end of his razor-sharp tongue and quick-witted condescension too many times to count, and there was absolutely no doubt in her mind that if he wanted to, he could cut Arabella down...although it would be a close fight.

Instead, he remained stonily silent...and she knew that the only thing preventing him from responding the way he probably wanted to was his fear of offending Lily.  If Bella had been anyone but Lily's best friend, she would have had her head bitten off by now.  After what seemed like a million unbearable years, James stood...slowly, almost insolently, to his full height.  Arabella didn't flinch.  Finally breaking eye contact with her, he looked at Lily and his features visibly softened, although they remained tense.

"I'll see you later, okay?"

She nodded mutely, and watched uncomfotably as he walked away.  As soon as he was sitting with his friends and well out of earshot, she leaned across the table and hissed, "Why did you _do_ that?"

Arabella narrowed her eyes at Lily, obviously having expected a negative reaction of some kind.  Leaning back slightly, almost as if she wanted Lily to have to raise her voice to be heard, she replied calmly, "I just don't want him to get too comfortable, that's all."

"All this work I've been doing in the past week to get this relationship to a place where we can at least be at ease around each other, and you're about to ruin the whole thing!"

Bella leaned in then until they were almost nose to nose over the table.  "Relationship...is that what it is now?  What are you..._friends_, all of a sudden?  Look, I know what it's like to lose sight of reality when you're wrapped up in a situation...believe me, I do.  I'll not have you taken advantage of...you're still really vulnerable, you know."

"What?" Lily repeated, unable to believe she was having this conversation.  Bella arched an eyebrow at her and said,

"Well, you are."

Lily shook her head, "Look, thanks for looking out for me, but...well, leave me alone!"

Bella snorted, and Lily continued, "I know you don't like him, but you have to admit that he's been very good to me lately.  Bella...come on.  You can't deny that."

Bella rolled her eyes and glanced over at where James was sitting with his friends, and Lily could see grudging agreement in her blue eyes.

"So," Lily finally interrupted Arabella's thoughts, "Just leave him be, alright?" 

Bella shrugged and stabbed her fork into a cherry tomato.  "I just don't want him getting big ideas about himself, that's all.  He has a big enough head without thinking that _you_ need him desperately."

"He doesn't think that.  Besides, I can take care of myself, Bella...I'm not made of glass, and _you_ should know that, of all people."

Bella merely sat there studying her for a long time, and Lily didn't look away from her scrutiny.  She needed Bella to be able to trust her to make her own decisions, to have faith in her when so many people didn't.  If her best friend didn't believe in her ability to think rationally, then she didn't know how she would build enough confidence to face the world every day.  Finally, Bella sighed.

"Alright...alright, fine. But I still don't like him."

 Lily smiled.  "That's alright.  You don't _have_ to like him."

They went through the rest of the day without incident, and despite Lily's worry, it didn't seem that James was holding any kind of grudge against her.  He grinned at her on the way out of Charms, and she smiled back at him and shook her head, hoping he would take it as it was meant...as a kind of apology for what happened earlier.  He gave her a little shrug to show her he took her meaning and that he wasn't angry...and left her to marvel at what was possible to communicate without words.

She turned at the familiar voice and found Professor Dumbledore standing not five feet away from her.  He smiled, and she returned it.  Every time she saw the headmaster now, she ws reminded of the day he persuaded her to get out of bed and meet the world once again after her parents died.  She would be eternally grateful to him for it, and she didn't like to think about what might have happened if she had been allowed to go on in the state she was in for much longer.

"Yes, Professor?"

He beckoned to her and said quietly, "I wondered if you'd join me in my office for a moment before you go down to dinner.  It won't take long."

She shrugged at Bella and Helen, and then followed him to the doorway to his office.  When she walked inside, she found she had to take a calming breath.  The sight of the room made her heartsore...the last time she was in here was when she had found out about her Mum and Dad.  Swallowing hard, she walked up to Dumbledore's desk and stood, unsure of whether or not she should sit down.  He walked to the other side of the desk and bent down, lifting something from the floor.  Lily watched as he set a brown box in front of her, then stepped back and regarded her with soft eyes.

"Lily...I received this in the mail earlier this morning.  It was accompanied by a note from your sister, explaining that it was intended for you.  That I was to give it to you."

Lily started.  For her?

"What is it, Professor?" she asked as she studied the box, even though it was closed.  He shook his head slowly and replied,

"I don't know, Lily.  I didn't open it, and the letter didn't explain further...I'm merely the messenger in this case."

"Oh, of course," she murmered, feeling silly.  Why would Dumbledore want to open a package meant for her?  She wondered briefly why Petunia had sent it to the school rather than just addressing it to her personally, but then she grimaced to herself as she realized it was probably to avoid a response on Lily's part.  Pushing the thought away, she looked up at the Headmaster as though waiting for further instruction.  He smiled slightly and said,

"I imagine you're eager to see what's inside.  Go on...but don't forget to eat dinner.  My sources tell me it's good tonight."

She smiled faintly and thanked him before she took the box and walked out of his office, her stomach churning at the thought of what might be inside.  She had a fairly good idea about what it probably amounted to, but she was afraid of being correct.  Wanting to open it without having to deal with the prying questions and staring eyes of anyone else, she carried the surprisingly lightweight parcel outside.  It was a lovely April day, and the weather was just right for a picnic.  Lily walked all the way out to her favorite reading tree and knelt beneath it, placing the box carefully in front of her.  Taking another deep breath, she opened the top and peered inside.

It was exactly what she had thought it would be, and she felt her throat go dry as she plunged a shaking hand carefully inside.  Her fingers encountered an envelope, and she opened it with wary eyes.  It was from Petunia, and it contained a note and what looked to be quite a bit of money.

_Here is your half of what the property and what was left of the furniture brought in.  I've also sent along some of the things we were able to salvage that belonged to you – there's not much.  Everything else is gone._

_                                    Petunia_

 Lily sighed, blinking back the stinging in her eyes...she knew her sister didn't expect a response.  Pocketing the envelope for examination later, she reached into the box again.  The first thing she pulled out was a frame...which just happened to have a picture in it.  She turned it over and looked at the smiling faces, and they soon blurred as her eyes welled up with tears.  Her mother stared up at her, her youthful face the epitome of contentment...and wrapped in her arms was Lily herself.  She was still practically a baby in this picture...a chubby toddler with red curls.  They were sitting on the rocking chair that had belonged to Lily's grandmother...she remembered rocking on that chair as she watched her Mum get dressed for the occasional dinner party.  They would talk about various things, from birds to shoes to the ocean to Daddy.  Mum would let her try on every piece of jewelry that was in her box, and Lily would pretend she was a grown-up movie star with ten strings of beads around her neck at once.  Her mother would laugh...she had a musical laugh.  Lily smiled just remembering it...she could almost hear it now, carried on the wind.

Setting the picture aside, she reached in again and pulled out a book...and this one had nothing to do with defense charms.  It was the collection of fairy tales that had been her bedtime story staple for all her young life.  The pages were yellowed and the cover was beaten and worn...but the pictures had somehow remained as vibrant as the day it was published.  She flipped through, memories flooding back to her as she remembered lying between her parents on their big bed as they read to her and Petunia.  Cinderella's dress, Snow White's apple, Jack's beanstalk...they were all there, illustrated in full color, exactly as she remembered them.  She turned to the inside of the front cover, and read the inscription for what must have been the hundredth time in her life.

_To Lily _

_We hope your life will always be filled with princes, palaces, and magic...and NO evil stepmothers!  _

_Happy Birthday and Love Always,_

_Mum and Dad_

She smiled and sniffed slightly...the message had never meant more than it did at this moment.  She decided that before she read anything else about _anything_, she was going to read that book from cover to cover, starting when she got into bed that night.  With that resolution in mind, she set the book carefully in the grass beside her and reached into the box again.  This time, she retrieved something that had belonged to her father...a tie.  It wasn't just any tie, but the tie that Lily had given him for Christmas when she was eight years old...and as she looked at it now, she realized it was the most atrocious thing she'd ever laid eyes on in her life.  Laughing to herself, she recalled how Dad had put it on right over his pajamas...and he didn't remove it for the rest of the day.  Not once...and he'd worn it to every family function for years after that, telling people proudly that a beautiful girl had given it to him.  Then he'd wink at her, and she'd smile at their little inside joke.  Intimidating as he sometimes was to other people, with his booming voice and large stature, she had never personally been able to see how anyone could fear him.

She sighed and gazed out at the lake for a moment, swiping lightly at the tears which now ran silently down her cheeks...the twinkle in his blue eyes had rivaled that of Dumbledore's.  His eyes were always the last thing she saw before falling asleep at night, and it made her feel completely and utterly safe.  She was never even afraid of the dark, knowing her father was sleeping in the next room.   She closed her eyes and tried to picture them once again...and found that it was shockingly easy.

She couldn't believe they were gone.  She still couldn't fully accept it...she hadn't seen a funeral.  She hadn't been to a burial...she hadn't even been able to look upon the ruins of her house.  It was all so surreal...and she couldn't help thinking wildly sometimes that perhaps it had all been a mistake.  They would be there when she finally finished school, just as she always imagined they would be.

It was wishful thinking, and it was silly.  She knew it...but she couldn't seem to talk herself out  of thinking it sometimes.  She sat out there with that box for what must have been hours, spending ample time examining every trinket, every piece of jewelry, every book, every picture.  This smallish box was all she had left...and she cherished every single solitary thing in it.  Finally, she looked up and realized suddenly that it was dark now...she had no idea what time it was.  Sighing, she gathered everything carefully together and walked back to the light of the castle.  When she got to the portrait hole, the Fat Lady scanned her face and asked,

"Are you alright, dear?"

Strangely, she felt better than she had in months.  Stepping through the portrait hole, however, the feeling of optimism abruptly drained away...James and his friends were sitting at a table playing cards.  They were the only ones in there.  They looked up, and seemed quite taken aback to see her.  James' eyes ran over her face, and she belatedly realized that she should have gone to the bathroom and washed herself up...she probably looked like she'd had a good cry.  He frowned slightly and asked,

"Is everything okay?"

She decided she might as well dispel any notions the others might have about scattering and leaving her alone with James right then, so she gave what she hoped looked like a bright look and replied, "Yeah...everything's fine."

Hoisting the box up on her hip, she saw Sirius Black glance at it and decided it would be better if she just went to bed...but somehow, she couldn't bring herself to go up there.  She knew Arabella was asleep, and she knew the dorm was dark and uninviting...at least to her.  Looking awkwardly around, she chose a chair in the far corner of the room and went to it, thankful that she had the book she'd been reading to give her a reason to stay.  In between bouts of reading it over the following hour or so, she listened inattentively to the progress of their game.  After they had apparently lost most of their sickles to Remus, Sirius yawned loudly and said, "Enough...this is getting pathetic, now.  I'm going to bed before I gamble away my entire savings."

Peter agreed, and Remus stood with a sly smile.  "Quitter."

Sirius shot him a glare and growled, "Cheater."

"Bed," Peter reminded, heading off to the staircase.  The other two followed...and soon Lily was left once again with James.  Rather than following his friends upstairs, he walked right over to where she was sitting and sat himself down on a chair across from hers.  She couldn't help feeling relieved as she smiled at him a bit awkwardly...she didn't want him to think she'd been waiting for him.  She hadn't really...then again, wasn't this what she'd expected would happen if she stayed?

"Something bothering you?" he asked her, his voice unintrusive.  She could have just as easily dismissed him as confided in him...the way he asked would have made either choice simple for her to make.  However, she ended up choosing the latter.

 "I got a package from my sister today."

"Your sister?" he interrupted, his face betraying his confusion, "You have a sister?"

She smiled sadly and said, "More or less.  We don't talk much...anymore."

He nodded pensively, but thankfully refrained from saying anything more about it.  She went on, "Anyway...it was this box, and it's full of everything that's left of my things from the house.  Well...as you can see, there's not much.  But I...I had a time going through it tonight."

He regarded her steadily and asked, "Are you okay?"

She considered the question for a moment, then replied, "Yeah.  I...I mean, I don't know."

He said nothing, but his soft hazel eyes remained on her face, waiting for her to go on.  Casting her eyes down at the box, she replied, "I can't...it's hard for me to explain this to people, but...I think I'm finally starting to learn to live with...with grief.  It's...I don't look at it as something that's ever going to go away completely, but...at least, I hope to eventually start remembering the good things without having to remember...how it ended."

She bit her lip then to keep it from trembling, and she couldn't find the courage to look up at him.  If she did, she was afraid she would cry...and she didn't want any more of that, if she could help it. 

"It's not even...the whole issue of my parent's deaths that really gets to me lately," she continued quietly, and then broke off and looked up at him...he was studying her closely, and his eyebrows raised a fraction as she met his gaze and said with a small smile, "See?  I'm getting better...a month ago, I never would have been able to say that."

"Say what?"

Her smile faded a bit as she repeated, "My...parent's deaths."

He didn't smile back, but merely cocked his head to the side a bit and narrowed his eyes sympathetically at her...but there was no pity to be found.  She shook her head and went on, "Anyway...as I said, that's not the worst feeling anymore.  It's...it's when I think about my sister...Petunia.   She...we used to get along.  We used to be best friends."

She trailed off and kicked absently at the box with her foot.  After a moment, he prompted, "You used to be?  What happened?"

She sighed and went on, "Well...I started at Hogwarts.  I don't think she ever really...understood the whole magic thing."

"Magic thing?" James repeated, sounding slightly bewildered.  She nodded and said,

"Yeah...everything about it.  She never thought it was quite normal.  I suppose she assumed, for the most part, that it was some disability...some phase I'd get over eventually.  I remember she couldn't believe Mum and Dad were actually letting me come here.  To her, it wasn't a serious school."

He shrugged, "Well...she had to have known that they knew what was best for you, right?"

Lily rolled her eyes.  "You'd think so...but she didn't.  She came to believe, as the years went by, that she was the only one who was thinking logically and that everyone else was under some kind of enchantment.  I...grew further and further apart.  By the time fifth year came around, we weren't really speaking at all...aside from the times when my parents tried so hard to intervene."

She lapsed back into silence, and finally James sighed heavily and concluded, "And...now that your parents aren't there to intervene anymore, she's ceased contact with you altogether."

Lily's eyes shot up and she insisted, "Yes, but you have to understand...to her, my parents deaths are a result of all this!"

"All what?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

"Magic..._my_ world.  _My_ ambition.  I...I understand her, and sometimes I think I'm the only one.  Arabella has always hated her..."

"But it isn't your fault," he said, his voice low, "It would have happened anyway...it had nothing to do with you."

"Lily...she should know that you need her now."

Lily's eyes filled, and James looked as though he regretted his last statement.  Furiously brushing her tears away, Lily said, "No, but...I could have tried harder.  I was as bad as she was...it wasn't just her.  I...I know why she thinks the way she does, and I understand why she might blame me.  I...I have to try and make an effort."

"It seems like it's your sister who should..."

"Yes, but it's _me_ that has to do it.  I'm her sister...we were so close.  I can see everything from her point of view, and...well, there's nothing else to do but make the effort.  How can I not?"

He considered her carefully for a moment, then shrugged and said, "I s'pose you have to do what you think is best, in the end.  If you want to go to your sister, you should do it...especially if you'll only end up regretting it later."

Smiling slightly again, she found once again that it was so easy to talk to him, it almost didn't feel like she was talking to James Potter at all.  "Thanks."

He sighed then, still looking at her with something akin to amazement.  He shook his head and breathed, "Bloody hell...you're always thanking me for nothing.  But you're welcome just the same."

She laughed softly and looked down at her box...she needed to get it upstairs.  "Well...I should get to bed."

He nodded, and she stood up.  Rising with her from his chair, he asked, "Do you want me to carry that for you?"

She looked down at the box in her arms and replied, "No, thanks.  It's not heavy."

The statement seemed a little sad to her, and it must have shown on her face because he took a step closer and asked softly, "Lily...are you sure you're alright?"

She nodded and smiled at him.  "Yes...yes, I'm okay.  I just..."

Pausing, she thought about whether or not she wanted to go into this.  He raised his eyebrows and prompted gently, "What?"

She shrugged and confessed, "I'm a little scared that this box...it's brought up a lot of nice memories for me tonight.  I'm a little scared that it's going to make me have the dreams again."

She let the silence that followed go on for a moment, and when she looked up his face was unreadable.  Shaking her head, she said, "I'll be fine.  I think I'm in better shape to handle a bad dream than I was a month ago...or even a week ago."

He nodded in response.  "Well...goodnight, then."

She bid him goodnight and took the box upstairs with her.  Getting into bed a few minutes later, she thought about everything that had happened that day and marvelled that it seemed like three years had passed since she woke up that morning.  Dreams or no, she was glad to go to sleep.

            The next morning, Lily woke unusually early...glancing out the window with sleepy eyes, she saw that the sun hadn't even fully risen yet.  Stretching, she knew it would be no good to try and go back to sleep right at that moment...she had been having a dream about her parents.  The nice thing was that it hadn't caused her to wake up in a cold sweat...she felt relatively fine.  Still, she didn't want to have it again, and so she grabbed her book from the bedside table and her dressing robe from where it was hanging on her bed as she headed for the common room.  Once there, she looked around in the dim light...and stopped in her tracks.

James was still in there...he was lying on the couch, fast asleep.  His head was propped up on a pillow, and his glasses sat on the table next to him.  She walked a bit closer, her heart beating like mad in her chest.  Why would he do this...why would he sleep all night on an old couch when there was a perfectly good bed upstairs?

As though he felt her standing there, he started slightly as he woke.  Squinting up at her, he rubbed his eyes and pushed himself to a sitting position.

"What time is it?" he asked in a gravelly voice.  She had to work for a moment to find her own, and then answered,

"I think it's about six o'clock."

He nodded and reached sleepily for his glasses.  Putting them on, he looked up at her once again.  "Did you have a nightmare?"

She felt dizzy, and she didn't know what to do about it.  It was so early...and she was so confused.  Instead of answering his question, she asked one of her own.  "What are you doing down here?"

He scratched his head and shrugged.  "Must have fallen asleep."

She knew as sure as she knew anything that he was lying.  He was playing it off as though it had been an accident...but she knew why he had done it.  He had stayed down here in case she'd woken up in the middle of the night with a dream.  He'd stayed down here and slept on an uncomfortable couch, in his clothes, so that he'd be available if she needed him.  She didn't know what to say, think, feel...she was lost.  He seemed to become uneasy under her intense scrutiny, so he stood up and said jokingly,

"Well, getting up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday may be _your_ idea of fun, but I'm afraid I don't share the opinon.  I'm going up and getting at least three more hours of sleep."

He made to walk past her and up the stairs, but before she could think about what she was doing she reached out and put a hand on his arm.  He froze.  She didn't know what she wanted to say...there were so many words jumbled in her head, and none of them could seem to make their way successfully to her mouth.  Stepping a bit closer to him and trying to look him in the face even though he was still staring straight ahead of him, she said heavily,

"James..._thank_ you."

He swallowed, his jaw clenched.  After what seemd like forever, he turned his head and met her gaze...and the look in his eyes was enough to make her breath catch.  They were tinted with something that looked like apprehension...mixed with something else.  She suddenly couldn't believe she hadn't seen it there before.  Clearing his throat with some small difficulty, he replied in what was almost a whisper, almost a plea,

"Don't thank me."

With that, he walked slowly away from her and up the stairs...and she was left with nothing to do but sink down onto the couch and stare into space while she tried to get her mind under control.  There were a million questions going through her mind.  She couldn't answer any of them, but she was not absolutely sure of what she had seen so clearly a minute ago.  She wasn't sure of anything...she hadn't trusted her severely exhausted intuition in months...why should she start now?  Especially when what she was thinking was so...out there?

Suddenly, she decided that she was sure of only one thing...that she needed to get away from there.  There were things that she needed to do that should have been done a long time ago...and she needed some time to herself.

To think.

To Be Continued

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower

www.hiddentower.50megs.com


	9. Closed Door, Open Window

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean )

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.**

**Chapter Eight – Closed Door, Open Window**

Lily breathed in the fresh spring air which played in her hair as she gazed out the window at the passing fields and towns. She felt as though she hadn't been outside in months, which was of course ridiculous...but there was some kind of odd peace that came along with her newfound, if brief, freedom. Considering the tumultous morning she'd had, she was a bit surprised that she was able to feel such calm, but supposed it also had to do with being at least a bit removed from the situation.

"Where is that trolley-lady?" Arabella wondered aloud, breaking into Lily's thoughts. Turning to regard her friend, who was stretching lazily across the seat opposite her, Lily replied,

"You can't be hungry already. You just ate!"

Arabella frowned at her through one eye as the other closed in a yawn and protested, "What are you talking about? That was three hours ago...and I didn't exactly get a chance to enjoy anything, I was eating so fast."

Lily shrugged as Bella stood and pulled open their compartment door to peek down the corridor. She sighed and murmured, "Maybe I should go and find her. What do you think?"

Lily shook her head, but she was smiling slightly as she replied, "Go ahead...if you don't care about showing her what a pig you are."

Arabella shot her a dirty look over her shoulder and muttered, "Shut up."

"Pig," Lily repeated.

"Cow," Bella said, then grinned and slipped out the door as Lily laughed. Truth be told, she wouldn't even be on this train if it weren't for Arabella. That morning, after James had gone up, Lily had not been able to do much more than sit on that couch for a good thirty minutes, just trying to keep track of her mind to be sure she didn't completely lose it. Torn between hot flashes and cold sweat, she'd eventually made her escape back up to her dorm, where she caught sight of the box her sister had sent her sitting on the stand at the foot of her bed. She was suddenly overcome with the need for her mother's advice...her mother's comfort...something. She'd picked up the box and started rummaging through it, only she hadn't known exactly what she'd been hoping to find inside. The noise had awoken Arabella, and she'd asked Lily what was going on and why she was up so early. Lily had said simply that she suddenly had a great need to see her parents.

Arabella, being a true friend, didn't ask any more questions...she'd simply made it happen. She'd gone to McGonagall to request permission for the both of them to leave school grounds for the weekend, which McGonagall had given on the condition that they stay together at all times and that they were back by Sunday evening. Now, three hours later, they were aboard the Hogwarts Express bound for London. Hopefully, it would be the closure Lily needed to end this bittersweet chapter of her life and finally move on.

"Well, she was certainly rude," Arabella huffed as she reentered the compartment, her arms laden with food, "I mean, you'd think I asked her to stop the train or something."

"You probably threw off her entire schedule by bursting in there and begging for sweets!" Lily exclaimed as she watched Bella dump everything on the seat beside her. Bella smirked and said,

"I have to have my sugar in the morning...you know that."

Lily smiled as she picked up a pumpkin pasty – the least sugary of everything Arabella had brought – and picked at it without putting much in her mouth. She had to get away from it all, to think clearly.

"What?" Arabella asked, eyeing Lily closely. Lily blinked as she realized she'd been staring.

"Nothing...sorry. Just...thinking, I guess." She didn't feel like going into everything right then...she didn't even feel like thinking too much about it. She knew that if she started to let her mind go over her anxiety about James – the look that had been in his eyes that morning – she'd lose the serene feeling that had inexplicably taken hold of her, and she didn't want that to happen. She knew she was probably overreacting, anyway.

"Lily," Arabella began in a quiet voice, and Lily was momentarily afraid of what she was going to ask her, "When you go...you know, to see them...do you want me to come with you?"

Lily thought for a moment...she honestly couldn't say what she wanted. "I don't know, actually. I guess I'll have to decide...later."

Bella nodded, and then resumed her picking through the box of Bertie Botts beans for the good flavors. Lily smiled and commented, "I don't know why you bother with those...I never liked them much."

"What kind of a witch are you," Bella asked in mock outrage, "That you don't care for Botts beans?"

Lily shrugged and replied, "Well, come on! A third of the flavors are good, a third of them are bad, and the other third are flavors of things that I like...but just not in jellybean form."

"Yeah, so?"

Lily raised her eyebrows and pointed out, "Well, you have to _pay_ for all of them!"

Arabella burst out laughing and replied, "Oh, Lily...you have no sense of adventure. That's the point...if you don't like half the flavors, then it's all the more rewarding when you happen upon a flavor that tastes good!"

"What sense does that make? Why not just buy something you can just eat and like it all the way through? And anyway...you're picking all the ones you like out of the box. You can identify them by color...so you never _get_ a bad one."

"Well, now wait," Bella said, holding up a finger, "Every time I buy a box of these, I get at least three flavors that I've never seen before. So, it's exciting to wonder whether the ones I don't recognize are going to be tangerine or...I don't know. Garlic."

"But that's the thing," Lily said, "I like garlic. I just don't like it in a jellybean."

Bella smiled and replied, "Well then...like I said. No sense of adventure."

Lily grimaced playfully at her and then reached out her hand for the box. "Give it over."

Arabella's eyebrows went up in surprise as she handed Lily the beans, and Lily promptly picked out a safe-looking red bean. She popped it in her mouth...and immediately regretted it. Her tongue felt as though it was bursting into flames, and her eyes began to water as she clapped a hand over her mouth.

"What is it?" Arabella asked, laughing. Lily glared at her as best she could for the fact that she could barely keep her eyes open. When she could finally speak again, she rasped,

"It's chili pepper, I think. Good Lord...that smarts."

Bella laughed harder, and Lily arched an eyebrow at her as she suggested, "Alright, then...at least I've proven my point. That _definitely_ wasn't worth whatever you paid for that bean."

Bella took a breath between guffaws and said, "What...a fourth of a knut? Oh, dear...what a waste. My life savings, gone!"

"You know what I mean," Lily smiled at her, fanning her flushed cheeks. They then went back to staring out their respective windows, and Lily got to thinking again about her parents. Did she want Arabella to go with her to where they were buried, or would she prefer to go alone? At this point, she honestly had no idea...and she only hoped she'd be able to make a decision by the time the moment came to leave. On one hand, she'd like to have someone there for support...on the other, she would probably want to have some time alone to say her private goodbye.

Her eyes welled a bit at this last thought, and not wanting to ruin the moment of lightheartedness she'd just enjoyed, she pushed it away and allowed her mind to go blank as she admired the passing scenery. She and Arabella didn't say much else throughout the course of the remaining hour or so, and before Lily knew it they were pulling up to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. As they got off the train, Lily looked around at everyone and commented idly,

"It feels like it's been decades since I was here last."

Bella nodded and agreed, "I know. It really does...for me, too."

They exchanged small glances, and then picked up their luggage and proceeded hurredly to Diagon Alley...they only had two days, and they didn't want to spend any time dawdling about. Once in The Leaky Cauldron, they used the complimentary floo powder which the establishment had recently made available to Hogwarts students to go directly to the inn where they were staying. Lily still didn't know how she was going to thank Dumbledore...the moment she'd explained to him what she wanted to do, he'd made the necessary arrangements for her so she wouldn't have to worry about anything. As soon as they had identified themselves to the small, bald concierge and had gone up the stairs to their small but exceptionally clean room, Lily found herself almost shaking with eagerness to start out.

"Are you sure you want to go today?" Bella asked cautiously as she noticed Lily glancing anxiously at the clock on the desk in the corner, "You could always wait until tomorrow."

Lily thought for a moment before shaking her head. "I think I need to do it now, or I won't be able to get any sleep tonight."

Bella nodded, then asked, "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, thanks. I think...this is something I need to do on my own."

"Okay."

Lily glanced up to find Bella gazing at her in curiosity. Lily suddenly and unexpectedly felt her cheeks flame with guilt as she thought of the one thing she'd failed to mention to Bella about this whole trip. Sighing and sitting down on the bed, she folded her hands in her lap and confessed, "Bella...there's something else. Something you don't know."

Arabella didn't reply, and Lily couldn't look up at her. Instead, she kept her eyes fixed on her knees as she continued, "I...oh, please don't be cross, but when you went to ask Dumbledore for permission for us to leave Hogwarts for a couple of days, I...I just knew he would say yes. While you were gone, before I started packing, I...I wrote to Petunia by owl post."

She paused and waited for Bella to speak, and when she didn't make any reply, Lily was forced to look up at her. She immediately wished she hadn't...Arabella was looking at her with a frighteningly blank expression on her face. Thinking that it would almost be better if Bella were to start raging and storming at her, Lily went on urgently, "I didn't say much...it was just a quick note to ask her to meet me, that's all. I had to do it then, or it wouldn't have reached her before we arrived here."

Arabella remained silent for a moment longer, then finally she asked, "And you think that she's going to be wherever you told her to be? You think that your note meant anything at all to her, after the way she treated you?"

Lily swallowed and looked down at her hands. "I don't know. Maybe not...but I had to try."

Arabella blew out a breath and, shaking her head as she ran her hand through her black hair, she walked to the window. Folding her arms, she stared out onto the street below with a pensive expression on her face.

"Well," she finally said, "if that's what you want to do, then I suppose you might as well. You've come all this way, after all."

Lily didn't know what she'd expected, but it certainly wasn't this. This apathy.

"I don't know why I do this to myself, though," Lily murmured, not really knowing what more to say. Bella shrugged and then turned to face her, eyebrows raised, and said,

"She's your sister."

"Yes, but why do I insist on making effort after effort, only to have her throw it back in my face? No, wait...she doesn't throw anything in my face. She doesn't even bother to respond."

Bella shrugged again, but didn't say anything. Lily felt inexplicably frustrated with Bella's reaction and said, "Blood ties may not be everything, but they are worth _something_."

Frowning, Arabella replied calmly, "I'm not arguing with you, Lil. I told you...whatever you want to do is what you should do."

Lily started to retort, but pressed her lips together instead. She realized suddenly that this was stupid...she was picking a fight for no reason at all. Grabbing a light jacket, she walked to the door of the room and turned back as she reached for the knob. "I guess I'll get it over with, then."

Pulling the door open, she walked out without another word, a weight on her heart.

Lily could see them in the distance, surrounded by dozens of stones that were exactly the same. She didn't know quite how she was so sure she was even looking at the right ones...she just knew. As she approached, she squinted and looked for Petunia...she didn't see anybody. Her eyes scanned the horizon...there was no one. She was completely alone in the dank, morose cemetary.

She hadn't come after all. Lily knew Petunia had received the letter...the owl had come back. She'd gotten it, she'd read it...and she still hadn't come. Perhaps...perhaps she hadn't even read it at all. Perhaps she'd simply taken one look at the envelope and thrown it in the dustbin.

Lily could feel the lump growing in her throat, threatening to strangle her...she didn't know if she could do this by herself. It was too hard...she couldn't. She'd needed Petunia...she'd begged her to come. She knew she would need her when the time came...she wanted her sister. Turning around with the full intent to run in the opposite direction, she instead froze and stared blankly into the distant greyness of the sky over the deserted cemetary.

She had to do this. She didn't have a choice...it was either put her parents to rest at last, or face a future of discontented nightmares.

Petunia was lost to her...that, she had no power to change. At least Lily could take some control over the things she did have the power to change.

Squeezing her eyes shut, she took a deep breath and, fists clenched at her sides, she turned back around to face her grief. Covering the rest of the distance seperating herself and the headstones seemed to take an eternity even as the wind at her back seemed to urge her forward. She was close enough now that she could see their names engraved on the stone...and then the letters ran together in a blur as her eyes welled with tears. Emitting a soft whimper, she sank to her knees in front of them...nothing could have prepared her for what she felt at this moment. She reached out and ran her fingers over her father's inscription, and the cold white marble seemed to taunt her. How unlike her father it was...it didn't suit her memories of him at all.

Covering her face with her hands, Lily finally let go and wept bitterly into the chilly spring air. No one was there to hear her or pass judgement, but she wouldn't have cared if the entire world was standing there listening. An icy hand clenched at her heart as she realized that this was all there was...there wasn't any more. Somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind, she supposed she'd hoped that when she arrived here today to see her mangled house, it would be revealed that everything she'd heard was wrong. That it had all been a horrible mistake, and her mother would laugh it off and cook dinner for her before she went back to school. Now, as she gazed miserably at the ground covering her Mum's coffin, she knew that it wasn't going to happen. Her parents were no longer out there somewhere, ready to help her or encourage her...they were gone. They weren't coming back...she'd never see them again. She truly was alone.

Sighing pathetically, she shook her head and gazed into the distance as she began to speak to them in a choked whisper. "I'm sorry I haven't been here."

Turning her attention back to the headstones, she went on, "I should have come back sooner. I don't know why I didn't...maybe it was because of Petunia. Still...I shouldn't have cared what she said or thought."

She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed. "I didn't even get to...to say goodbye. To any of you."

She couldn't continue for a moment as sobs overtook her, and she again put her hands up to her face. When she'd gotten her breathing under control, she inhaled deeply and ran her hands again over each of the headstones. "I just hope you know...that I...I love you both. I always will...no matter what ends up happening to me."

She went on like this for what seemed like a very long time, just talking...telling them everything that was on her mind, everything she had been thinking for the past months. Everything she had been doing. As she spoke, she calmed herself to the point where it was almost as though she was merely telling them the news from her life as usual, just as she always had when she'd come home on the holidays. It was a one-sided conversation, but she could imagine what their answers and reactions would be...she could picture the looks on their faces when she'd say things. It was as though she was putting herself through some sort of therapy...and it was working.

She told them about Petunia, knowing that the situation as it stood would have broken their hearts if they were still alive. She apologized, told them that she had tried to make things right. She explained that she didn't blame Petunia...sometimes, this was just the way things happened, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. She wasn't even sure Petunia herself could do anything about it. Her sister could no more change the way she felt than anyone else could, and she had to follow her own heart. As she said it to her Mum and Dad, she felt a great sort of fear grip her...as though she was taking the first definite step in letting her relationship with Petunia finally slip into the past.

"Maybe you could...do something," she asked them unsurely, "Wherever you are, maybe...maybe it would still be easier for you to get through to her somehow than it would for me, even...after everything."

She told them about Arabella, and how she was doing. She told them that Arabella had taken care of her all year, that she'd never done anything without Lily's best interests at heart. Lily felt guilty as she talked about Bella...she thought of the argument they'd had before she'd walked out of the inn.

"I know that it was stupid. If I know anything, I know that...nothing's certain. People should never leave each other on a bad note. It's like you always said, Dad...never go to bed angry."

When she finally ran out of words and had spent all her energy, she stood slowly and rubbed her eyes. She felt so tired...but she felt better than when she'd woken up that morning. She felt better than she had in months. As she looked down at the new grass coming in on the soil beneath her, she thought suddenly of James...and a surge of what felt almost like homesickness overcame her. She was surprised at herself, and she spent a couple of minutes thinking about him despite the warring feelings it caused.

He had been with her through every emotional trial she'd had to face since her parents' deaths, save receiving the initial news. He'd been there when she'd tried to give up her position as Head Girl, he'd been there when she'd had her breakdown in the common room, he'd given her exactly what she'd needed that night in the girl's lavatory, and he'd made sure right there for her when she'd received that box...and somehow, it felt slightly wrong that he wasn't here now to support her as she put her grief to rest. She frowned...such serious thoughts.

"Mum," she breathed, resting her cheek against her mother's headstone, "What's next for me?"

She didn't receive a verbal answer, of course...but somehow it made her feel better just to ask. Shaking her head to clear it, she bent to place a single white lily on each of her parents headstones. She knew it was a slightly silly gesture, but it seemed somehow less so in her need to physically show them that she'd been there. She was sure they already knew...but it was more for her own peace of mind than for anyone else. She stood there until dusk began to creep over the sky, and then she turned silently and walked away. As she left the cemetary, she knew she'd be back there soon enough...and the thought gave her some sort of comfort. For now, she felt for the first time that she'd actually taken a huge step in healing herself.

There would always be a scar...but the pain would lessen from here on out. This she knew...and it gave her a kind of strength. Smiling slightly as she went, she turned back one last time.

"Goodnight," she whispered to them...and imagined that somewhere, they were returning the sentiment.

Walking through the door to the room they were using, Lily saw that Arabella was sitting in a chair by the window. She seemed lost in thought, and didn't even hear Lily enter until she heard the sound of the door closing. Looking over, she stared at Lily with tired-looking eyes, and Lily stared back...and then smiled slightly.

"You were right...she wasn't there."

Bella shook her head. "Despite what you must think...I didn't want to be right, Lil."

Lily sighed and took off her jacket. "No...maybe I shouldn't defend her so much. You...you've always been right about her, really. I just never wanted to admit it to myself."

"Of course you didn't...and you had every right to defend her. Like you said...she's your sister."

Lily shrugged. "Maybe there's _more_ to being a sister."

They exchanged a glance, and then smiled at each other.

"Did you eat anything?" Bella asked.

"No...you?"

Arabella shook her head and suggested, "Let's go down and see what they have to offer in this place."

Later that night, after they'd ended up eating at a pub down the street, they made their way wearily back to the inn and up to the large bed they were sharing. After changing into their nightgowns, they climbed in and settled down to sleep. For some reason, however...Lily couldn't sleep.

"Bella?"

Arabella grunted a response...she was about two seconds away from being fast asleep. Lily stared into the pitch blackness for a moment, wondering if she should even be talking about this at all after everything else that had happened...and then decided that she had no choice. She wanted a good night's sleep for once, if that was possible at this point. Squeezing her eyes shut and mentally stamping down the feeling that she was somehow exposing herself, she whispered, "How do you tell the difference between a friend and...something else?"

"Hmm?" came Bella's confused response, muffled by the pillow in which she had her face buried. Lily swallowed and clarified,

"I mean...have you ever thought that maybe someone...had feelings for you, but you weren't sure?"

There was a moment of complete silence, and Lily wondered whether or not Arabella had heard her at all or if she had fallen asleep in the ten years it had taken Lily to get that sentence out of her mouth. Just when she was going to call her name again, she heard Bella's head turn slightly on the pillow beside her.

"Who are you talking about?"

Lily turned to face Bella as well, even though she couldn't see two inches beyond her nose. "I just...I'm confused."

Another pause. "Are you talking about James Potter?"

Lily sighed slightly, "Yeah."

"Lily," Bella said and Lily could hear the covers rustling as she turned completely to face her, "Be clear, will you? Do you have feelings for James Potter?"

Lily hesitated, then replied, "No, that's not what I mean. Bella..."

Stopping for a moment to collect her thoughts, Lily went on, "You know that he and I...well, we haven't always gotten along."

"That's an understatement. You hated each other."

"Yeah, I know," Lily replied impatiently, "But...since my parents were killed, he...you must have noticed the change in him, Bella."

Bella sighed into the darkness, then said, "I have. So have other people."

"Other people..._what_?"

"Have noticed that you two aren't on the verge of biting each other's heads off anymore."

"We're not. In fact, I'd even go so far as to call him my friend. No...I'd absolutely call him my friend. He's been there for me in a way few other people ever have...except you, of course. Every time I needed someone, he was right there...half the time it was by chance, and half the time it was because he put himself right in my face. I hated him for it at first...and then I came to see how much I appreciated him."

"And everything else? All the hate and the disagreements?"

"Mostly misunderstandings, to tell you the truth. We've talked about it, believe it or not."

"Hmm," Bella murmured softly, and Lily continued,

"I just...I'm worried."

"About what?"

Lily began, "That maybe...I just wouldn't want any more misunderstandings, and..."

She stopped as the image of the way he had been looking at her sprang unbidden into her mind and took her breath away. She could see it as clearly as though he was standing right in front of her, and it made her face hot. After a moment, Bella whispered impatiently,

"And what?"

Lily sighed. "I know this sounds like I'm being judgemental, and extremely ungrateful for everything he's done for me and for the friendship we've managed to create, but...he's not...I would really hate for him to get the wrong idea about what I want from him, Bella. I don't want anything even close to a...a..."

Arabella interrupted, "You don't want him to think you're trying to lead the relationship in any direction other than friendship?"

Lily felt relief coarse through her as Bella said it and replied, "Exactly."

"Well," Bella said into the darkness, "I don't know James Potter very well, so I can't say anything with absolute certainty. I can tell you, however, that I think you may be paranoid."

"What?" Lily asked, taken aback.

"He hasn't been with anyone in months. I mean, he hasn't been going around with any girls...not any that he's singled out, at any rate. If I had to guess, I'd say that it's just that maybe this whole thing has had an effect on him, too. Maybe he's been inspired to just be more...serious. He's been very involved with his schoolwork, especially Dumbledore's class...then, there's the issue of his Head Boy duties. He's taking all the things that have been in the papers very seriously as well...he's been on a rampage when it comes to discrimination against Muggleborns at Hogwarts. He looks into every little incident...it's like he's on a quest or something. It's as though he takes all that very personally, and he doesn't have a _drop_ of Muggle blood in him. Everyone's noticed it."

"Have they?" Lily asked, amazed that she was so clueless, "Well, but...so?"

"Well, he's made a big change...and maybe it _is_ partly to do with you. Maybe he looks at you and finds fault with himself."

Lily shook her head, even though she knew Bella couldn't see it, and replied, "Oh, I doubt it. Self-assured as he's always been."

"Honestly, he's always done that...only now that he's changed, he reacts to it in a different way. He used to hate you for it, and now he admires you for it. It doesn't necessarily mean that he wants anything from you, or that he's got some ulterior motive."

"Yeah, but doesn't he always have an alterior motive?"

"What?"

"Doesn't James Potter always have a goal in front of him? He doesn't do anything unless he gets something out of it, right?"

Arabella didn't reply for a moment, and then she asked seriously, "I know you used to believe that, but...do you still? After everything you just told me?"

Lily paused...and realized that she was doing exactly what she'd been doing before, when they'd been talking about Petunia. She had been so ready to defend her sister that when Bella had failed to debate Petunia's character as she usually did, Lily was caught off-guard...and had felt as though she had to start the fight so that she could end it on a positive note. It was so silly, but now she was about to start doing the same thing with James because for some reason, Bella wasn't badmouthing him...and it made her feel horrible.

"No...no, I really don't," Lily replied quietly. After a moment, Bella said,

"I hate to say this, but...I don't either. Not that I think he's a saint or anything, but...no one can deny he's certainly grown up."

Even as Lily dealt with the fact that what Bella was saying was absolutely true, a horrible thought began to flood into her mind. "Bella...you said you and I aren't the only ones who've noticed this...change in attitude?"

"Right...lots of people have noticed."

Lily swallowed. "What if...what if some people think...what I was worried _he_ thought? Before we had this conversation, I mean?"

Bella hesitated and then replied, "I won't lie to you. There's been talk. It started with people wondering about him, and then...well, you know. People just draw their own conclusions."

Lily swallowed against the closing of her throat. "They don't think...that we..."

"No...they don't. They just think he'd like to, that's all."

Lily closed her eyes and rubbed them with her palms. "Does he know about all this?"

"If he does, he doesn't care...and neither should you. Lily, there are always a few people who like to speculate from time to time. Nothing you can do about it...so who cares? If they're wrong, they're only making fools of themselves. What a few people whisper about behind their hands in the corridors doesn't change the reality of the situation...which is that you and James Potter have finally established a normal, even friendly relationship, and that you happen to trust each other. So, maybe you should trust him enough to know that he would be honest with you if he felt something more than that, alright?"

Lily let out her breath and nodded. "Alright...yes. You're right."

"Good...now shut it so I can get some sleep."

Laughing softly and feeling a million times better, Lily turned over and whispered, "Goodnight, Bella..."

Just before drifting off to sleep, she added, "...and thanks for everything."

Bella didn't reply for a minute, and then she heard her returning whisper, "Anytime."

By the time they were boarding the train out of London, Lily felt exhausted...and yet with the fatigue came some sort of strange calm. During the entire ride back to Hogwarts she felt very little of the vague, omnipresent nervousness that had been plaguing her relentlessly for months. She felt a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders as she'd said her final goodbyes to her Mum and Dad. Althoug she'd never be the same without them, she felt a soothing inner peace at the knowledge that she'd finally gotten to gently shut the door on her unrequited grief. Now, she could stop focusing on their deaths and begin to remember only their lives, and what they had meant to hers.

Sighing, she settled back in her seat...she decided she'd follow Arabella's lead and sleep for the rest of the journey. For the first time in quite awhile, she was unafraid of nightmares.

It took them a few hours to get back to Hogwarts, and considering that they'd left so late, they didn't actually step into their dorms until just about sundown. Greeting Helen and unpacking, they went down to the common room to sit for awhile. Lily glanced over at the table across the room where the Marauders were sitting...all except one. She frowned as she realized James was nowhere in the common room at all.

"What?" Bella asked, and Lily cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"I wonder where James is? I haven't seen him since we got back...we were supposed to meet and talk about some school stuff."

Arabella replied shortly, "Well, I'll bet _they_ know where he is."

As she said 'they', she jerked her head distastefully in the direction of James' three friends. Lily glanced back over at them, and saw that they were engrossed in an almost silent game of cards. It wasn't exploding snap, and it didn't even look to be much fun judging by the looks on their faces. She frowned and said to Arabella, "I can't ask them."

"Why not?"

"Because," she replied firmly, "They look like they're plotting someone's murder. I'm not interrupting that."

Bella sat back in her chair and heaved a sigh. Lily thought that was the end of it, but after a moment Bella mumbled under her breath, "Coward."

Lily scowled, and then glanced back over at the Marauders' table. Remus Lupin stood up and walked across the room to get a book from the far shelf.

"What are you doing?" she heard Sirius call grumpily.

"I just thought of something I wanted to look up," Remus called back flatly as he pulled a dictionary from the shelf and began thumbing through it. Sirius shook his head in disdain, and Lily smiled. Standing and setting her book facedown on the table, she swiftly crossed over to where Remus was leaning against the bookshelf. He looked up as she approached, his eyebrows raised.

"Hi, Remus."

"Lily...how are you?"

He asked the question as his eyes scanned her face, and she replied softly, "I'm...better than I have been in awhile."

He nodded. "Good."

She smiled at him, then asked, "Do you know where James is, by any chance?"

Remus' eyes twinkled with humor as he replied, "He, um...got held up after the game today. I guess the captain wanted a word with the team about...everything."

She'd forgotten that there had been a game today...of course that was where he was. Eyeing Remus, she glanced over at the table where the other two were sitting and found Sirius watching them with mild interest. She turned back to Remus and asked, "Did...did we win?"

"Did we win?" Sirius interrupted with a snort, startling her. "You're lucky you weren't there, Evans...it was a travesty. We got trounced."

"We did?" she asked, surprised. They hadn't lost a game yet that year.

"Yeah," Peter joined in, turning in his chair to look at her, "Against Slytherin, too."

"The whole thing was completely despicable," Sirius continued, "and I wouldn't be surprised if the entire team is being punished with heavy beatings right about now."

"Oh, no," she murmered, suddenly understanding the fog of negativity that had seemed to hover over the common room since they'd gotten back. Remus blew out a breath of laughter then and added,

"Yeah...and James was the worst, too."

"The worst?"

"I would have done the same thing...damn Slytherins," Sirius declared darkly, "You might have to take points for this one, Evans. He got into a fight."

"A fight? What do you mean?"

Sirius smiled mischeviously as he explained, "With a chaser from the other team. The bastard was tailing him, and after what must have been the eleventh foul - Prongs lost it."

"Jumped clear off his broom _onto_ the bastard!" Peter interjected excitedly as Lily felt her eyes widen. She turned back to Remus as though for confirmation, and he looked at her in a funny way and said,

"He's been in quite the mood for the past couple of days...it's almost like it was all building toward something like that. Anyway...they both got thrown out of the game."

"Why do you think we lost?" Sirius asked Remus angrily, who shrugged and turned back to Lily once more.

"Well...you can probably catch up with him on the pitch, if you need to talk to him."

Lily nodded her thanks and turned toward the portrait hole...she didn't care what kind of mood he was in. Her mind was made up...she was going to talk to him about this today. She was sick of pretending and hiding her feelings from everyone, and she wanted desperately to get everything out in the open once and for all. Half walking, half running down to the field, she got there just as the team was coming out of the locker room. They looked to have showered and changed already, and the captain was still yelling in frustration.

"I don't know why I don't just forfeit the next match right now, if this is the way it's gonna be!" he was saying angrily as the rest of the team exchanged glances with each other. She didn't see James at first, but then she realized that he'd been the last one out...he was all the way in the back of the group, looking darkly pensive.

"Come on, Greg," someone replied to the captain, "It's just one game. It happens."

"Not like that, it doesn't! I'd like to say you gave it your all, but I can't even do THAT now, can I?"

With this, he turned to James and went on, "And YOU! Our strongest chaser, thown out of the game...what good are you to us sitting on the sideline? Tell me that!"

"Enough, alright?" James replied testily, "I'm sick of hearing about it."

"Well, maybe you should think _first_ next time you get the notion to hurl yourself onto another player!"

"At least he won _that_ fight," one of the beaters said in an attempt at joking.

"Oh, that's what you call victory, eh?" Greg spun back to face him, enraged, "Well, you know what? Maybe we need to go over what constitutes 'victory' at the next practice...and that'll be at six sharp tomorrow morning!"

There was a chorus of groans, and the conversation went on from there.

"Thrown out of the game," Greg was still grumbling, "I should just suspend you!"

"Go on then, DO it!" James suddenly snapped, causing several of the players who hadn't been expecting an outburst to jump...and Lily with them. "Suspend me, and then see if you _ever_ win another match!"

Greg spun around, furious. Several of the other players narrowed their eyes as well. "Do you think you're the only player on this team? Is that what you think, Potter?"

"Well, judging by the bloody fuss you're making over this _one_ loss, that would really be the only conclusion I could come to, wouldn't it?"

"Don't pretend like you haven't _always_ thought yourself above the other players...above the rules, above everything. Everyone knows it, and it's just your bleeding luck that people like you anyway," Greg snarled, stepping forward on," one player objected, and another added, "You're just gutted on account of the match."

James, meanwhile, had taken a step toward Greg, and Lily was truly beginning to worry now about a fight.

Lily knew she had to get his attention...it was now or never. Deciding she would run up to them so that it would spare him the embarrassment of thinking she'd been standing there and had heard the entire thing, she jogged forward a bit, feeling a little silly.

"James!" she called out, casting an anxious glance at the rest of the team. Thankfully, he turned on her first try at getting his attention, and his face betrayed his surprise at seeing her there.

"Hi," he said simply, walking slowly over to where she was standing. Lily glanced behind him at Greg, who was now shaking his head and turning to follow the rest of the team back up to the castle. She breathed an inward sigh of relief...at least she'd stopped whatever had been about to happen, fight or no fight. It wouldn't have been pleasant, in any case. James stopped some distance away and merely stood there looking at her. His eyes were both guarded and searching at the same time, and it was as though he didn't quite know what to say...he was obviously trying to gauge how much of that fight she'd heard. She cleared her throat to speak.

"Um...I heard you had a rough game today."

He blinked, and then replied, "Oh...oh, yeah. Yeah, we lost."

She nodded, "I know...I heard. That...that's such bollocks!"

He looked completely taken aback at her vehemence, and she decided that this was exactly what she needed to be doing...she wanted to show him that their entire friendship wasn't just about _her_ problems. Shaking her head and frowning mightily, she stalked over to him and continued, "I mean, why did they have to throw you out of the game? Especially since everyone knows that Slytherin's tactics are completely unethical. After all, this wouldn't be the first time they showed a total disregard for the rules of the sport, and..."

"Lily," he interrupted, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth slightly, "It's alright...we're still on top."

As he spoke, he walked a bit closer to her. Sighing in what she hoped wasn't an overdramatic way and a little surprised that she actually found herself frustrated at the loss, she turned slightly and began walking toward the field. "I know, I know...well, I mean I didn't _really_ know. Still...it's just that it didn't even seem like a fair win..."

He laughed a little and said, "You didn't even see the game!"

"Yeah, but...it's legend already in the tower, and I've heard everyone's accounts..." she stopped suddenly as a realization hit her and she turned to face him. He stopped too, although he was evidently a tad puzzled. "James...I haven't been to _any_ of your games this year."

His eyebrows still drawn together slightly, he shook his head and replied, "I...it doesn't matter, you've been busy."

"I'll come to them all from now on," she declared.

"Lily..."

"I really do like quidditch...er, what I know of it, that is. I really don't understand the rules. Maybe I'll just read up on it a little before the next match...I think there's a whole section of the library devoted to quidditch...history of the game, famous teams and players, rules of gameplay...not that I've ever been in that section...it's probably the only section of that library I haven't ever..."

"Lily!" he interrupted, laughing a little as he tried to reign in her enthusiasm, "Why the sudden rabid interest in quidditch? I thought you considered it a frivolous, tension-building activity...or something to that effect."

She sighed and started walking again as she began to explain, "Yesterday I went to visit my parents' graves for the first time. It was liberating. I feel...better."

"Do you?" he asked, and when she nodded he replied with quiet sincerity, "Good...I'm glad."

"I got to thinking about a lot of other things as well," she went on, "I started thinking about my life as it is now, after all the changes. I...I think I'm finally beginning to accept what I knew from the beginning...that things aren't ever going to be the same again, and there's nothing I can do to change that. It's done, and that part of my life is dead along with Mum and Dad."

He made a noise as if he wanted to interject something, but in the end he must have decided against it because he remained silent and waited for her to continue.

"I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for Arabella...she's been there for me through everything, and she's never once pushed me to do more than I thought I could at any given point. She let's me take things at my own pace. That's her way of taking care of me."

He waited a beat before commenting, "You're lucky to have a friend like her."

Lily took a breath and said, "Yes, I am...but she's not the only one I'm lucky to have."

He looked at her, and she stopped and turned to face him as she went on, "We were never friends...far from it, in fact. Somehow, though, you're the one person besides Bella that I don't think I could have done without these past months. She was supportive and caring...and you gave me something totally different, but something I needed just as much. You did what you've always done...challenged me. You never let me give up on anything. I suppose the shock of it having been _you_ made me forget to...well, to thank you properly."

Through her entire speech he'd just stood there, looking at her with soft eyes. She could see that what she was saying meant something to him...he looked relieved and uncomfortable at the same time in the face of such true praise from her. When she stopped talking to give him a chance to respond, he took a moment to gather his words and smiled.

"You _have_ thanked me...several times. And I wish you'd stop. I told you, I don't expect or want your gratitude."

"I...well, at the risk of sounding contradictory, I don't really care what you want."

He grinned then, and she smiled back at him and continued, "And anyway, it's not just saying thank you...that's what I realized yesterday. I think it's time for me to...give something back. To Arabella...and to you. All I'm trying to say is...you love Quidditch. So...I'm _coming _to your games. I...I'm happy to do it. I _want_ to do it...alright?"

He looked at her for a long time, and then nodded. "Thanks."

She let out a satisfied breath and then continued on toward the castle, which wasn't much further away. The conversation had grown quiet, and he seemed to be lost in his thoughts as he stared at the ground in front of him. Not wanting to end on a serious note for once, she smirked and said,

"I heard that you got into a little scuffle as well."

He didn't reply for a moment, then said, "Yeah. It wasn't as bad as it sounds."

She smiled slightly and replied, "You got kicked out of the game."

He let out a huff of laughter and declared, "Yeah...why do you think we lost?"

She laughed as she remembered that Sirius had said the exact same thing. She remained quiet for a moment, watching as the sky darkened slowly from orange to pink. Suddenly, his voice broke into her thoughts.

"You should have seen her face."

"Whose?"

He glanced at her, his hazel eyes sparkling with humor, and replied, "McGonagall. She took points, you know."

She rolled her eyes at him, and he grinned as she said, "Good...you deserve it."

"Yeah, well...I can't help thinking that if Gryffindor had won the game anyway, she'd have been quicker to forget about the whole thing."

"Did you really jump onto his broom?"

"Well, no...I jumped on _him_. His broom just happened to be what was holding us up...momentarily, anyway."

"That's shameful. I can't believe it...Head Boy doing such a thing."

Shooting her a look, he replied, "Then I'd better not tell you about all the other rules I break regularly."

She arched an eyebrow and replied, "No, I don't think you should."

They walked in silence for a moment after that, and then she said, "Actually...instead of telling me everything, why don't you just tell me the _worst_ thing you ever did."

He raised his eyebrows as he reached out to push the castle door open for her and replied, "You want me to pick _one_ thing?"

"Yes."

He smiled and replied, "My mind is swimming."

She tutted and said, "So, you're not going to tell me."

"You really want to know?"

She nodded, and he sighed as he thought about it. She could see the smile on his face widen as he ran through his past misdemeanors in his mind, and then curiously she watched as the smile faded. Replacing it was a look of complete solemnity, and after what seemed like forever he finally looked up at her...and his eyes held an emotion that was unreadable. It was almost as though he was making an important decision.

"Are you sure you want to know?" he asked.

She swallowed...how bad could it be? "Yes...tell me."

He regarded her for a moment longer before he asked suddenly, "What would you say if I told you I was an animagus?"

She smirked and rolled her eyes, thinking that he was doing a good job of avoiding a question. "I'd say you have a great talent for keeping a relatively straight face through a joke."

He nodded slowly. "What if I wasn't joking?"

"Come off it," she said, shaking her head, "That's impossible."

He shrugged and said, "I guess it isn't, because it's the truth. Worked on it for three years...and I finally learned how to do it in fifth year."

She stopped walking and stood there with her mouth hanging open for a moment. He stopped as well and turned to look back at her...he seemed to be waiting for something. A reaction? Lily cringed inwardly at the thought that he was putting her on and she was falling for it...but somehow, something inside her told her he wasn't kidding.

"No...you've got to be joking. You...you have to be _registered_ and everything!"

He chuckled softly and said, "Yeah...if you want to do it the legal way."

She was completely taken aback, and she found she couldn't even pull herself together enough to show him a proper reaction to this shocking piece of information. All she could do was stand there and look dumbfounded...he was an unregistered animagus? The one strange thought that kept popping into her head now was that he must be even more brilliant than she'd given him credit as being...and she didn't know why she couldn't think of anything else to say. She certainly couldn't say that...and he was standing there staring at her, stock-still, waiting for some kind of response.

"I just...I can't believe it."

He shrugged again, still waiting. Swallowing, she knew she had to say something that wasn't completely dim. This was obviously a big deal, that he was telling her this...her being the former enemy and all. Thinking it was the easier path, and because all of a sudden she sincerely wanted to know, she asked, "What animal do you turn into, then?"

He let out a breath as she finally spoke, smiled slightly and said, "Guess."

She sighed, still not thinking straight after that revelation. She couldn't believe he had blurted that out, without giving her any warning. She'd been thinking along the lines of school rules, and here he was confessing to her that he had broken a serious ministry law. Still pondering this, she absently ran a list of animals through her mind that reminded her of James Potter, and picked the most obvious one.

"It would have to be a lion, wouldn't it?"

He stopped and his eyes widened slightly as he looked at her. He shoved his hands in his pockets and fidgeted a bit, as if he didn't know how to respond...surely she couldn't have gotten it in one guess?

"What makes you say that?" he asked quietly.

She shrugged and explained, "Well...I mean, you're a Gryffindor, first of all. You...you're brave, and you always fight for what you think is right. Head Boy...strong, atheletic...and proud."

The look on his face softened more and more with each word she threw out, and she angrily cut herself off. She was going on entirely too much.

Finally, he swallowed hard, and then replied gruffly, "You hold me up too high. I'm just a stag."

Now it was her turn to be floored. A stag? She never would have guessed that...not in a million years. She never would have suspected a boy like James Potter would choose to transfigure himself into an animal as beautiful as a stag...not when he had all of the animal kingdom to choose from.

"A stag?" she asked, and he nodded, still watching her closely, "Why a stag?"

He laughed, and she thought she could detect a bit of nervousness in it as they continued walking. "Is that so hard to believe?"

She shook her head, "Oh, no...it's not that. Well, it's just that it's...unusual. I mean, not many young men would choose a stag. I would have thought...you know, something with huge...," she paused, trying to think of the right word, "...teeth."

He chuckled in earnest now and replied, "Well, if it makes it any easier for you to imagine, I'm huge...and I have a killer set of antlers."

She laughed along with him now, and for a moment they fell quiet. After a minute, she couldn't stand to wonder anymore and asked quickly, "How...how many other people know about this?"

He didn't answer right away, and when he did his voice was very low. "Practically no one. Just the other three...and now you."

She looked up at him and found him already looking at her. She considered him for a moment before asking, "You trust me enough to tell me this?"

A pause, then he said seriously, "I just did, didn't I?"

Nothing more was said for a moment. Then, to keep her mind from becoming fogged, she commented lamely, "I...I'm sorry I left without telling you anything."

She heard him draw a breath before replying, "McGonagall told me you'd gone away for the weekend, but she didn't say anything else. I assumed it would have had something to do with...your Mum and Dad. Are you...are you really alright?"

"Yeah," she finally replied in a voice so low it was almost a whisper, "I'm glad I went. I put a lot of things to rest, at least for now. I feel like...like now I can truly concentrate on the things I need to do right now."

"What things are those?" he asked, and she thought a moment before replying,

"Well...Dumbledore's class, of course, and my schoolwork. I've been neglecting my reading lately...but it's not just to do with all that. I don't know how to explain this without sounding...superficial."

"Try me," he said, giving her elbow a light nudge of encouragement. She smiled and explained,

"Well...despite what happened this year, Hogwarts has always been a safe place for me. Besides my home – which I don't have anymore – it was the place I loved most in the world. I suppose I just don't want to look back on my final moments here with sadness or anger...or regret of any kind. I want to try and concentrate on enjoying the time I have left before it's over...because, at the risk of sounding cliché, you can never get it back. You know?"

She looked up at him to see his reaction to this, because she felt slightly silly articulating it. He didn't look confused, however...he was nodding faintly. "Yeah...I do."

"I mean, I realized I have great friends here, so why not enjoy the gift of being able to see them every single day, before we all move in different directions?"

He laughed shortly and replied, "I don't know...maybe some of us are still going to be seeing each other every day after Hogwarts."

She glanced up at him, puzzled, and he looked down at her and clarified, "With auror training and all, I mean."

"Oh, right," she replied, and then went on, "I don't know...I need to make up for some lost time, and now I feel like I really can, and it won't just be for show."

"I understand," he said, and shot her a smile as he asked, "So...maybe now would be a good time to learn how to play snap, eh?"

She swallowed, graphically remembering burnt faces and charred furniture. "I don't know...maybe I should observe some more before just jumping into it."

"Sure, sure," he replied, and then leaned over and whispered, "Coward."

Before she could reply, he had turned to give the Fat Lady the password, and Lily realized with a start that they were already standing at the entrance to the tower. Shaking her head, she asked, "Are you ever going to stop antagonizing me?"

He glanced over his shoulder as he stepped through and replied, "I hope not."

Laughing to herself, she followed him in...and decided maybe it would be a good idea if she sat up awhile and watched the Marauders play their game. Perhaps she could learn something.

Besides...she had the unshakable feeling that something was going to ignite.

To Be Continued in Chapter Nine

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden 


	10. Off Course

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean J/L

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.**

**Chapter Nine – Off Course**

Lily and Sirius both looked up, startled, as the door to the classroom flew open with a bang. They'd been working on their potion for Dumbledore since dinnertime...they were shorthanded because Tim had gotten sick over the weekend and could come down to mix in the first half of the last batch of ingredients. Lily was exhausted, but one look at the frantic eyes of the younger girl who was now hurrying toward them was enough to wake her up.

"You'd better come," the girl said firmly. Lily glanced down at her robes and saw she was a Slytherin. Frowning, she asked,

"What's wrong?"

"There's been a fight...a bad one. Someone needs to come."

As she said this, the girl's eyes flicked over to Sirius. Lily barely noticed, however...she was already moving toward the door. "How bad?"

"There...I think there are some serious injuries. I didn't see the whole thing...just the end..."

"Who was it?" Sirius asked, walking out the door right behind Lily. She had half a mind to tell him he didn't have to come, but then thought better of it...she might be glad for some help.

"Your cousin," the girl replied, her voice taking on an accusatory note. Everyone knew that it had been a huge scandal in the Black family when he'd been sorted into Gryffindor...and it had only escalated from there. His cousin, who was the same age as Lily, was one of the worst the Black family had ever produced, and it made Lily shudder to think what she would become once she was beyond the restricting confines of Hogwarts. Now she knew she wanted Sirius to come with her and see what this was about...she herself held a limited amount of sway with Slytherins, and Bellatrix Black in particular wasn't exactly a rational person.

Lily didn't voice any of this aloud and didn't ask anymore questions, though...there wasn't any time to do so. Turning, the girl led them down into the dungeon area and before Lily knew it she was staring at the most bone-chilling scene she'd ever personally encountered. The first thing she noticed was Bellatrix slumped against the wall with her eyes closed, her chalky face covered with a sheen of sweat, and there were a couple of Slytherins kneeling beside her. Lily couldn't tell if she was conscious or not, so she let her eyes wander to the opposide side of the corridor where the lone figure of her opponent lie...and Lily's heart jumped to her throat at the exact moment both she and Sirius began running.

It was Arabella. She was lying on her stomach, unmoving and frighteningly still, and Lily could only see the back of her head...she'd recognize her long, thick black hair anywhere. The moment Lily reached her she was on her knees and shaking her gently by the shoulder.

"Bella?"

Arabella made no response, but Lily could hear her shallow breathing and felt a wave of relief sweep over her...but it only lasted seconds as Sirius crouched down one Bella's other side and swore viciously. Lily glanced over at Bellatrix and saw that she was indeed passed out as well, and then saw that there were more students than she'd originally realized standing in a tentative circle around the scene...and suddenly the gravity of the situation hit her like a fist to the stomach. This had been no mere squabble.

"We have to get her back to the common room," Sirius said urgently, interrupting her thoughts.

"We have to get someone," she countered insistently, her voice shaking.

"Like who?"

"We have to get them both to the hospital," she said, forcing herself to think through the sickening leaden feeling in the pit of her stomach. She gently turned Arabella towards her as she spoke and was confronted with the sight that had caused Sirius to curse moments before...one entire side of Bella's face was purple with ugly bruising. Her bottom lip was split open and swollen, the blood from the wound still caked on her chin, dried and mixed with dirt. The red wounds were made even more ghastly-looking by the pallor of Bella's skin...it was pale, almost white. Lily swallowed the lump in her throat and resisted the urge to throw her hands over her eyes.

"We take them to the hospital and everyone will know about this within hours," Sirius said quietly, and Lily finally looked up at him. His black eyes were boring into hers, asking her what she wanted to do. She took his point...but there was nothing for it.

"Look at her. Look at them both..._they need to go to the hospital_."

As if to punctuate her statement, Bellatrix suddenly lunged forward and vomited all over herself. Sirius glanced at her and stared with a disgusted look on his face, and then, shaking his head, he barked at the gathered students, "What happened?"

No one answered...they all simply glanced at each other. Lily did not fail to notice that they looked distinctly uneasy...perhaps even afraid. Sirius repeated angrily, "What the bloody hell happened here? Someone had better talk..."

"We don't know," one older boy answered flatly. At the murderous look Sirius shot him he sighed and added, "The ones that were here to begin with ran off...the rest of us didn't see how it started."

"What curses did they use on each other?" Lily asked, her voice soft despite the urgency she felt as she looked up at the boy. He made eye contact with her briefly before lifting his eyes to the ceiling and replying,

"I...don't know. Honestly, we couldn't hear half of them..."

"And the other half we'd never even heard of," someone else finished for him. Sirius and Lily looked at each other and made a mutual decision. Conceeding her point, Sirius said,

"Alright...you go get help. I'll stay here."

She was about to protest when suddenly she became aware of the fact that there was not a single Gryffindor...or Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, for that matter...in the small crowd loitering there. She glanced down at Bella and decided she had to do it. Nodding, she stood and pushed her way past a couple of students and took off, running as fast as her feet would carry her toward the hospital wing to fetch Madam Pomfrey. Reaching the top of the stairs, Lily turned the corner and fixed her eyes on the end of the long corridor. She prayed silently that there were no serious injuries. That was all she could pray for, at this point...the damage was done in every other sense.

The sound of heavy wood crashing into solid stone echoed ominously through the vast hospital as Lily shoved the door open in front of her. The sight of her broken and beaten friend was still floating before her eyes like a sunspot, and her mind refused to focus on anything else.

"Where is she?" she asked a student who was sitting on the side of one of the beds drinking a pepper-up.

He frowned slightly. "Who?"

"Madam Pomfrey. Where did she go?"

He was about to answer when suddenly Lily heard the clicking of her heels on the stone floor as she emerged from behind a partition. Narrowing her eyes at Lily, the nurse snapped suspiciously, "What's happened?"

"We need you...there's been a horrible fight..."

"Students?"

"Yes...but I don't know...we don't know what they used on each other."

"It was a _duel_?"

Lily hesitated for only a moment, then nodded.

"Right...show me," Madam Pomfrey declared, grabbing a bag and heading out the door ahead of Lily. Lily ignored the wide-eyed look of the boy on the bed as she hurried after the nurse.

The next couple of hours was like something from one of Lily's worst nightmares. By the time she got back with the nurse, the crowd was gone and Sirius was there alone...with Dumbledore, who had apparently also been fetched and was radiating a contained but palpable anger at the entire situation as he gazed down at Arabella and Bellatrix. His blue eyes softened only slightly when he looked at Lily, but soon he was helping Madam Pomfrey conjure stretchers and walk the two barely conscious girls back to the hospital wing. Sirius and Lily attempted to follow, but he stopped them.

"I know you are concerned about your friends," he said firmly, "But I must insist that you allow our nurse to do her job without interference. I want you both to go back to your common room, and I will send word the moment I know anything more...but first, I'd like to know what happened here tonight."

Neither of them spoke right away. Finally, when the silence became strained, Lily replied, "We don't know. It was over by the time we got here."

"So you do not know who instigated it?"

Lily shook her head, a motion which drew Sirius' gaze. He narrowed his eyes at her as though he was trying to understand something incomprehensible and said testily, "I'm sorry if I'm being thick, but isn't it fairly _obvious_ who started it? Doesn't one of them have a particularly telling reputation around here?"

"They _both_ have reputations around here," Lily replied, startling even herself. Dumbledore looked at her for a long time before finally answering, "If that is all the information you have for me, then I thank you and you may return to Gryffindor Tower. As I said, I will send for you if any new developments arise this evening...otherwise, you may visit them in the morning."

With that, he turned and followed in Madam Pomfrey's wake...and Lily was left standing in the silence of the now-empty corridor with a seemingly infuriated Sirius Black. Facing her with his arms folded, he snapped, "What do you think you're doing?"

She glanced up at him, resigned. "What do you mean?"

"You know damn well what I mean! Was that the best you could do to defend her?"

"I can't defend her, I didn't _see_ anything."

"You're Head Girl! You could..."

"No, I couldn't."

He narrowed his eyes at her again. "Why the hell not?"

"First of all, it's unethical..."

"Unethical?" he asked, a sneer in his tone as he crossed his arms again and waited for her to explain further.

"Yes, it is...you _know_ it is. I can't tell Dumbledore I saw something that I didn't see and expect him to take my word for it just because I'm Head Girl. That would completely undermine my position..."

"Bugger Head Girl. This is your best friend we're talking about, isn't it?"

She shook her head and replied, her voice rising in anger, "You don't understand, that's all. This isn't about Head Girl...it would just be _wrong_, and that's all there is to it!"

"No, I don't!" he snapped, "I don't understand how you can put your high-and-mightly principles above what's good for a person who's your supposed best friend!"

"I know all this!" she shot back.

"She could get expelled for this!"

"That's not our decision to make! It's for Dumbledore to decide...and perhaps we should trust him to be fair!"

"Right...fine best friend you are, Evans."

"Yeah, and fine cousin you are, Black." She was ao angry...she hadn't meant to say it, she just blurted it out. Now that she had, though, she could see that it had at least ended the fight as he spun and stalked off, muttering and cursing under his breath. For a split-second, she'd thought for sure he was going to hit her...and by God, she would have hit him back.

As wound up and furious as she was, she knew she couldn't go back to the common room and face all those people. Turning and walking in the opposite direction as Sirius, she headed for the astronomy tower to cool down and to just be alone to think for a few moments. Taking the stairs two at a time all the way up there, she felt a little shard of worry pierce her every step she took.

The only thing comforting her at this point was that Madam Pomfrey hadn't seemed too worried by their injuries...shocked at the ferocity with which they fought, perhaps, but she'd heard the nurse telling Dumbledore that it would take a few days to heal them at best in her usual crisp tone as she'd taken them away. This had at least led Lily to believe that no one was going to suffer lasting damage, and there was nothing that Madam Pomfrey didn't think she could handle. This left her not with a clear head, however, but with a whole other range of issues to stress over.

She'd known it was going to happen. In an odd way, she'd been expecting it, even though she'd managed to convince herself that the danger had passed. She realized now, of course, that she'd only allowed herself to believe this because she hadn't been given any reason to really think about it all year. She'd been preoccupied...and there hadn't been an incident between them in so long. Closing her eyes briefly, she remembered with a pang the last time they'd had a confrontation...she remembered what Dumbledore had said. She knew he hadn't forgotten either, and she knew he would be obligated to mete out the forwarned consequences.

She couldn't believe it was happening now..._now_, of all times. When they had such a short time left before the end.

Reaching the astronomy tower at last, she stopped to catch her breath as she folded her arms and stared out at the night sky. She wished she hadn't had that conversation with Sirius...it had simply added a new dimension to her already raging emotions. The truth was, she didn't know if she was doing the right thing...she didn't know if it was right to just stand back and let Dumbledore make a decision that could seriously affect the life of her best friend. Lily sighed and closed her eyes...she didn't even know if her input would make any difference in what the headmaster decided to do. She was fairly sure it wouldn't...but shouldn't she at least try?

Then again, there were reasons she wasn't keen on putting her ore in. She somehow felt that Bella had made her own decision and that it would be wrong to try and interfere...and half of Lily's brain was telling her that this reasoning didn't make any sense. She just couldn't help thinking that if Arabella hadn't been prepared to deal with the consequences, she wouldn't have been in the fight at all. It would have been one thing if Arabella had gotten attacked and Bellatrix Black had come out unscathed...but Lily had seen Bellatrix with her own eyes. She wasn't simply suffering wounds that had been inflicted in self-defense on Arabella's part. Lily hadn't had a really good look, but...she'd seen her face. She'd seen her arm hanging at her side, useless and broken. She'd seen the blood...Bellatrix Black had been as messed up as Arabella was.

Bella had known exactly what she was doing. To try and lessen the impact...somehow seemed disrespectful, and Lily could still barely understand her own reasoning on this. She just felt it.

Before she knew it, a large amount of time had passed...she could tell by the position of the half-moon over the trees in the distance. She'd thought about everything while she'd been standing there...not just whether or not she should get involved in Bella's case, but also about what it would be like if Bella DID get expelled. Lily had thought she'd been alone after her parents had been killed, after Petunia's rejection of her attempts to reach out...but she'd always been able to count on Arabella being there to catch her when she fell into despair. She'd been by Lily's side throughout the entire year...and even before that, she'd been more of a sister to her than Petunia for many years. Lily found she couldn't imagine being in that place without her.

Expelling a breath, Lily turned and shivered as she went back into the stairwell on her way back to the dormitories. She walked slowly, unable to kick her mind back into normal operation...she supposed she was stunned by this whole thing. Three hours ago, she wasn't facing the prospect of losing her best friend and having her life take another drastic turn...and now she was. It made her worry that she would be more affected by it than she realized just then, and that it wouldn't truly hit her until later when she was in bed trying to fall asleep.

Deciding she couldn't just leave it for the night, Lily stopped by the hospital wing on her way back. She didn't even get the chance to go in, though...she ran into Dumbledore, who was coming out.

"Ah...Miss Evans."

"Sorry, sir," she began, trying to look past him into the dimly lit room beyond, "But...I was coming to see if there was anything...happening."

He took her meaning and replied solemnly, "They are both recovering...although they had to be separated. They gained consciousness briefly...and Madam Pomfrey couldn't abide the shouting."

Lily winced, and he continued, "Miss Evans...I have the unpleasant duty of contacting the parents of the involved parties, and then deciding what is the best course of action. I do not believe I need to impress upon you the seriousness of this situation."

She shook her head despondantly. "No, sir."

He regarded her for a moment, seemingly considering something, and then stated, "This was not just a petty schoolgirl disagreement. This was an extremely involved, adult duel...in many ways. I do not believe I am mistaken in thinking that this fight reflects a mindset that goes far beyond the walls of this school."

Lily looked up at him, beginning to grasp what he meant to say and feeling that she could have told him the same thing. "They've hated each other for years...violently."

"I seem to remember...other incidents."

"Yes," she agreed, knowing it was pointless to deny it, "Somehow, Bella's managed to avoid Bellatrix for the last couple of years...I just don't know if she did it because she doesn't like her or if she did it because...she knew this would happen."

"Perhaps a bit of both," he speculated quietly, "But recent events in the wizarding world have no doubt heightened their differing opinions on...certain topics."

He was referring to the rise of Deatheater power and the movement against Muggleborns. Lily felt queasy, and it must have shown on her face because he didn't force her to answer before finishing, "In any event...I expect that I will find you here tomorrow morning?"

She nodded and admitted, "I...wasn't planning on going to class. It's the least I can do."

"I understand, Miss Evans...and I am sorry."

He said it in an odd tone of voice...as though he was apologizing for more than just what had happened, but also for a whole range of things that she couldn't even begin to enumerate regarding how this situation affected her. She merely nodded and asked,

"Should I...not go in?"

"They have each been given a sleeping drought."

She nodded and, casting one last look beyond him and finding that she was unable to see anything, she bid him goodnight and walked back to Gryffindor Tower. She stepped through the portrait hole as it swung open and made for the stairs, wanting to go directly to bed...when a voice near the fireplace stopped her.

"Lily."

She turned and was not surprised to see James sitting there by himself with a book. She smiled faintly and looked around the room. "Where's Sirius?"

He leaned forward and, resting his elbows on his knees, replied, "Went up awhile ago. I was waiting up for you."

She walked over to where he was sitting and took a seat herself in the chair opposite him. In as lighthearted a tone as she could muster, she teased, "I could have guessed that."

He smiled back at her, but his eyes searched her face. After a moment of silence, he asked, "Are you alright?"

She looked at the rug covering the floor and, after thinking for a second, replied, "Yeah...I'm alright."

When he didn't respond, she looked up at him and found him still staring at her as though he didn't quite believe her. Blowing out a huff of laughter, she assured him, "Really...I'm fine. I mean, I'm not having the best night of my life, but..."

"What happened?" he asked quietly, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"I...just don't know everything yet. I probably couldn't tell you anything more than what you already know from Sirius."

He hesitated, then sighed and leaned back in his chair, setting his book on the table beside him. "Yeah...listen, I'm sorry about that."

"What?"

"Sirius...he told me you had a row."

She shook her head. "Don't apologize. I understand his point of view, I really do."

"You what?" he asked, obviously taken aback.

"I...don't blame him. He doesn't understand why I'm acting so...apathetic. I can see that."

A pause, then he admitted, "Well, he did mention that you seemed...unwilling to defend her."

"Not unwilling," she clarified, frowning slightly as she tried to find the words to explain to him what she herself didn't completely understand, "Just...unsure that it's the right thing to do. Arabella is so headstrong, James...she always has been. If she had wanted to, she could have left herself room to escape this situation without blame...but she didn't. She chose to fight...and until I talk to her, I feel like I can't speak for her."

He thought about this for a moment, the firelight dancing in his glasses, and then commented, "I assumed there was something deeper going on than what Sirius had told me...and you know her better than anyone. I suppose it's a decision you have to make for yourself, and you shouldn't have to explain it."

She glanced at him, suddenly wanting to know what he thought of the entire thing...needing to know his opinion. "Do you...do you think I'm wrong not to take up for Arabella with Dumbledore?"

He turned his gaze to her again and looked at her for a moment, his expression inscrutable, before replying, "No...I don't. I think your reasoning makes sense."

"Tell me honestly," she insisted, afraid he was just saying it to make her feel better. He cast her a look and replied,

"I wouldn't lie to you. Not about this. I think half of the reason Sirius was so angry was because...well, it had nothing to do with you, really. He hasn't admitted this to me yet, but I think he feels responsible for the whole thing."

Cocking her head to one side, she asked, "How? He wasn't even there...he was with me."

"Yeah, but Bellatrix is his cousin...as much as they hate each other. He's always felt like he can never totally break his connection with the Blacks in other people's eyes...I mean, they share a name no matter what house he's in. He's always disagreed with the things his family has stood for...and he's always respected your friend."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Arabella?"

He nodded. "You'd never know it, but...just because Sirius doesn't get along well with someone doesn't mean he doesn't respect them personally. Arabella Figg...she's a strong personality, and a decent witch. He respects that."

Lily was completely blindsided by this information and almost felt like laughing when she thought about how convinced Bella was that Sirius Black hated her. She simply lifted her hands and said, "Well...you know him as well as I know Arabella. You're probably right."

"Yeah...but don't tell him I said it. He'd beat the bloody hell out of me."

They were silent for a moment, just sitting there staring at the fire, lost in their own thoughts. After a moment, he asked her, "Are you really okay, or are you just saying that because you don't want to talk about it?"

She couldn't help smiling a little. "A bit of both, I guess."

He seemed to take her response as encouragement and prompted softly, "You're angry with her?"

She was startled by the question and looked up at him frowning. He didn't add anything more...just sat there looking at her, his hazel eyes interested without being probing. She would have felt equally comfortable talking to him or telling him she really didn't want to discuss it...but in the end, she chose the former. "I don't know...I guess maybe I am, a little."

"Why?"

She thought for a moment, not wanting to say aloud what she was thinking, but knowing somehow that it would make her feel better if she could just talk to him about it. "I don't know...I just hate that this had to happen when we're so close to the end. I mean, I suppose I'm not really mad at her...just at the situation."

He took this in, then asked, "So, you don't think she should have fought back?"

"Oh, no...I'm glad she did what she did."

He looked slightly shocked. "You are?"

Nodding, she replied, "Yeah...I know, it's not like me. I just...she's always hated Bellatrix. They've had fights before...nothing like this, but...Arabella has always disagreed with everything Bellatrix stood for, plus she hated the way they all treated me."

His brows furrowed. "Who all?"

"You know," she replied, her cheeks darkening a bit, "The Slytherins. The way they discriminate...and Bellatrix is no different. In fact, she was one of the worst."

"So it's a long time coming then, eh?"

Lily shrugged slightly. "Maybe...but Dumbledore said something to me earlier about how everything that's been going on has made it worse. Everything with...with the Deatheaters, I mean. The ones that do such...horrible things."

She paused, and the silence that fell between them was thick. Not able to stand the thought of her own situation involving her parents' deaths hanging unmentioned between them like a veil, she went on in a slightly weaker voice, "I sort of feel like...Arabella was doing what she could to show her rejection of all that...even if she could only go so far as to duel with a student who she knows supports that whole terrible mindset. I'm just...sorry Bellatrix had to get injured is all."

"Why do you care about her, anyway? I'm sure she wouldn't care about you..."

He stopped just short of pointing out the obvious...that Bellatrix thought that Lily was lower than dirt because of her own heritage. It didn't need to be said...and she could tell James was sorry he'd even gone down this path. She shook her head dismissively and replied,

"That's exactly why Arabella decided to fight back instead of run...and if that's what she chose to do, I'm standing behind her, but it has to end the way she knew it would end. And it's not that I care about Bellatrix...I don't, really. I just wish..."

She stopped, not really sure how she wanted to end the sentence. Suddenly and without warning, a lump came to her throat. Closing her eyes, she brought her hand up to rub her temple, wishing the sudden wave of worry would pass as painlessly as possible. She felt James lean forward to see past the hand she had at her face, and then heard him blow out a breath.

She shook her head and said, "I...I'm fine. I just...I wish this hadn't happened."

"I know. I do, too...really."

She could hear the genuine sympathy in his voice as he spoke the words gently to her. She waited a few moments before she looked up at him again and asked, "Can I tell you something...odd?"

He nodded. "Sure...anything."

She took a breath and tried to explain. "I feel like...I'm almost glad this is happening now, in a weird way. I don't know exactly how to say this without sounding...I don't know, silly or morbid or something...but I feel like this would have been much worse if it had been the only thing that happened to me this year. I...I feel like...because I've had to deal with so much tragedy in such a short space of time, I'm more prepared than I would have been to deal with this situation now. Does...does that make any sense?"

"Yeah..."

"No, really," she interrupted, turning more fully towards him and sounding a bit desperate despite her best efforts not to, "I feel like my heart is breaking again with worry at what might happen tomorrow...but I don't feel like...I don't think I'm going to break down because of it. I feel like...maybe I'll get through it. Is that bad?"

He shook his head slowly, his hazel eyes soft. "No, it's not."

He didn't say more, but he didn't have to...she felt better. They simply sat there looking at each other for a moment, her feeling like she at least had one more thing going for her...one more thing to help her through whatever was going to happen. Suddenly she realized that she would also be much worse off if it hadn't been for another trick that fate had played on her that year. Before she could talk herself out of it, she said quietly,

"I'm glad...I mean...thanks. For waiting up for me."

He nodded, but didn't speak. She laughed a little and added, "It feels like you're always waiting up for me."

Again, he didn't respond right away...he simply continued watching her. Finally, he stood up and held his hand out to her.

"Come on," he said in a low voice, "You should get some sleep if you're going to be up early tomorrow."

She suddenly realized two things...that he was right, and also that she _did_ feel exhausted. Mechanically, she reached up and took his hand, letting him pull her out of her chair. Turning, he led the way to the staircase and up the first flight. Once they were on the landing where they would have to part ways, he turned to her and said,

"Try not to let it worry you...whatever's going to happen will happen, no matter what you do. Trust yourself and what you've said about Arabella...maybe she feels good about everything."

Lily nodded, thinking that he was quite possibly spot on. He lifted his hand to her hair suddenly and lowered his head so that she would have to look him in the eye, and then he asked in a near whisper, as though he didn't want to wake anyone, "Are you _sure_ you're going to be alright?"

Something in his eyes made the lump return to her throat...but this time it wasn't born of worry or sorrow. It was the result of an immense wave of gratitude that washed over her suddenly towards him...he always managed to be there when she needed someone to talk to the most, and usually made her feel at least slightly better.

On an impulse, she reached up and put her arms around his neck, pulling him to her in a tight hug. He stiffened in surprise at first, but within seconds he'd relaxed and she felt his arms going around her waist. She felt warm and comforted as she turned her head so that her cheek rested against his shoulder, and he moved his hands slowly over her back. She sighed and closed her eyes. It had been a long time since she'd felt...safe, and she didn't want to let go. He turned his face into her hair, and it was the feel of his breath tickling her neck that made her realize vaguely that the embrace had gone on longer than she'd intended it to, and she stepped back.

Glancing fleetingly up at him but not meeting his eyes, she murmured a quick goodnight and went through the door leading to the stairway to the girls dormitories.

As the door closed behind her, Lily let her eyes roam about the room. The lights had been dimmed and Madam Pomfrey was nowhere in sight...in fact, the only person in the room as far as she could see was Arabella, who had turned her head as she'd heard the door open. They stared across the room at each other for a moment, and even from this distance Lily could see that Bella's demeanor had changed...her eyes did not now look cold...simply tired.

Sighing lightly, Lily crossed the room and took a seat on Arabella's bed. For a moment they just looked at each other, not saying anything. Lily, for her part, didn't quite know what to say...she didn't know what words to use to express what she was feeling, especially when she still didn't know for sure what was in her friend's mind. Finally, Arabella spoke, her voice reduced to a mere rasp.

"Well...they're expelling me."

She smiled faintly after she said it, and Lily returned the smile even though she felt like her heart might break. "I would imagine you can stay until you recover. At least a couple of days."

Bella nodded, and Lily took a moment to silently lament her friend's condition. The swelling in her face was reduced and Madam Pomfrey had apparently repaired a lot of the damage...but even she couldn't fix everything immediately. Lily asked quietly, "What happened to your voice?"

Arabella shrugged, "I got hit in the throat. She says it'll be back to normal by the end of the week."

Lily closed her eyes. "God, Bella."

"I know," Bella said, and her voice became steely as she continued, "But I'm not sorry for it, Lily."

Lily looked at her again. "You shouldn't be."

To Lily's shock, Arabella's eyes changed in a matter of a split-second as something appeared that Lily had never seen there before...fear. Swallowing, Bella whispered, "I don't know what would have happened if we'd known worse curses."

"Bella...look at you. What else could she have done?"

Arabella protested, shaking her head, "I'm not worried about what would have happened to me...I'm worried about what would have happened to her. I _wanted_ to kill her."

Lily felt a sudden chill shake her as Bella spoke. She sounded almost as though she was afraid of herself. "Everyone feels like that sometimes. It doesn't mean they'd actually do it."

Bella hesitated for a moment, and then replied noncommittally, "I don't know."

Lily was quiet for a moment, and then she nudged Bella's leg with her elbow and said, "Oh, stop being such a pansy."

At this, Bella let out a snort of laughter, and then she groaned and put her hand to her abdomen. "Don't make me laugh...it hurts."

Lily's smile faded, and Arabella looked up at her and explained, "I was coming back from collecting some of the things we needed from the outskirts of the forest...you know, for that mystery potion we're making in Dumbledore's class. I...can't remember exactly what happened. All I know is that one minute I was starting up that old stone staircase, heading back to Gryffindor Tower...and the next I was lying on my face on the stone floor."

Lily winced.

Bella shook her head and said, "I don't even remember feeling pain...just fury. Lily, I didn't even have to turn around to know who it was...I knew, even before I heard her little group of social misfits cackling."

The image of the group of onlooking Slytherins flashed through Lily's mind. "What happened then?"

"I let her have it...knocked her right on her bony arse. In all honesty, that was as far as I was going to take it...but when I looked around, I realized that the small group who'd been with her were encircling us."

"Then you _were_ trapped," Lily declared, feeling an unsettling surge of doubt about everything and wondering if perhaps she _should_ be working harder to exhonerate her friend, "There was no way you could walk away."

Bella snorted again. "Oh, please, Lily...they were a bunch of sniveling brats. You don't think I could have blasted my way through if I'd really wanted to? You don't think they're just as afraid of _me_ as they are of Bellatrix?"

"Yeah, but..."

"No," she interrupted, shaking her head of hopelessly tangled black hair, "I could have...I chose not to. I was so angry, Lil...I wanted to fight her."

Bella looked back up at Lily, frowning through her one good eye. "I hate what's going on out there right now. She...she represents everything that the Deatheaters believe. I have no doubt that her family are probably involved in all the torture and killing."

Lily's heart gave a painful thud as she thought in that moment of her parents...and suddenly, her own emotions shocked her. Somberly she replied, "Bella...I know you won't believe this, but...I'm proud of you."

Arabella made a face and repeated, "Proud?"

Nodding, Lily said, "You stood up for something you believe in. I'm...I'm glad you didn't run from that fight."

They stared at each other for a few seconds before Arabella finally murmured, "Well...this is a first in your career as Head Girl, isn't it?"

Lily shrugged. "I was your friend before I was ever even in the running for Head Girl, wasn't I?"

Bella quirked a brow at her. "Um, I'm not so sure. I think you may have been in the running for Head Girl from the moment you were sorted."

They laughed softly, and then were quiet once again as each became lost in her own thoughts. Finally, Lily took a breath and said, "Well...I brought you breakfast."

Bella eyed it warily, then glanced about the room. "I'm not supposed to be eating anything that tastes good..."

"It's okay," Lily said, scooping up some eggs with a fork and holding them out for her, "If anyone asks, just tell them it tastes like newt droppings."

Bella made a face as she grimaced at the eggs. "Mmm...appetizing."

"Just open your mouth, will you?"

Bella did as she was told, and Lily deposited the eggs in her mouth. When she was done chewing, Lily held out a piece of bacon and Bella tutted, grabbing the plate from her.

"Oh, give me that...I'm not an invalid yet."

Lily grinned at her, then she allowed her mind to wander as Arabella continued eating. After a moment, Lily murmured, "You won't be able to finish the class."

"What?" asked Bella around a mouthful of toast.

"The class...Dumbledore's class. You said you were coming back from doing the potion when this happened. You won't be able to finish it."

Arabella glanced at the door as if to make sure no one else was in the room before setting her empty plate on the bedside table and leaning towards Lily. In a whisper, she said, "There's something I haven't told you about all that."

Lily's eyebrows went up, and Bella went on, "When Dumbledore came to see me earlier to tell me about...well, you know. Anyway, he said he didn't want to lose me as a student...that I had potential. He said I couldn't tell anyone about this, but...I assume he knew I'd tell you."

"Okay...what?"

"Well, he's sending me somewhere to finish my preliminary training with some bloke who got out of Hogwarts several years before us...we were in fourth year when he left, I think. Remember Frank Longbottom?"

Lily knew the name...of course she knew it. He'd been a prefect. "You're training with Frank Longbottom?"

"He just wants me to earn my right to enter auror training with everyone else...Dumbledore, I mean. What do you think?"

Lily blinked. "What do I think? I think this is wonderful!"

"Yeah, but...I don't even know where I'm going."

"Who cares? This is too good to pass up. It doesn't matter where you go!"

Bella still looked troubled as she objected, "Yeah, but what about you?"

"Me? What _about_ me?"

"Well," Bella clarified, looking slightly uncomfortable, "I mean...we were always planning on doing it together. You know...finding a place after we're out of here and everything."

It took Lily a minute to understand what Bella was saying. When she finally did, she didn't quite know what to say...it had been the furthest thing from her mind until a moment ago. Shaking her head, she replied, "Well...plans change. You know how it goes. Besides, we'll just go into training together later on anyway."

Bella very uncharacteristically bit her lip. "I don't know...Dumbledore says he doesn't know which training program I'll end up in, because of my odd circumstances. There's a chance we won't be in the same one."

Lily took the news well on the surface, but inside she could feel a rock fall to the bottom of her stomach as she realized what this could mean. Forcing herself to smile and knowing that Bella had to do what she had to do to make sure she didn't miss out on anything, she replied, "Bella...who cares. As long as we both do it, right? Why should you have to give up your dreams just because of that cow Bellatrix Black?"

Arabella's eyes darkened at the mention of her name. "I wouldn't let her. Trust me."

Lily shook her head. "I still can't believe this is happening."

Arabella looked up at her and replied, "I know...but maybe it was bound to, you know? I mean, if nothing else, I can say that I took a good shot at her and did some damage. Maybe next time she'll think twice about crossing me."

"Or anyone within a five-mile radius of you, most likely."

They both laughed softly, and Arabella winced again and put her hand to her side. "I paid a price, though...my entire body hurts."

"At least there was no lasting damage, Bella."

Arabella threw her a look and said, "Only psychological."

"Speaking of which...you should have seen Sirius Black stand up for you last night."

Bella's dark blue eyes narrowed. "Black? Are you joking?"

"No, I'm deadly serious. He and I almost came to blows over it."

"Over me? Wait...what were you saying?"

Lily sighed and explained, "Well...I didn't want to argue your case to Dumbledore without speaking to you first. I don't know...I'm still not sure I made the right decision. Would you have wanted me to...?"

"No," Bella interrupted, giving her head a firm shake, "No, I don't want anyone fighting my fights for me. If I hadn't been prepared to suffer the consequences of this, I wouldn't have let it happen this way."

Lily nodded and admitted, "I was fairly sure, knowing you."

"Yeah...don't worry. Black was wrong...but that's nothing new."

They laughed softly, and then spent the rest of the day just talking as though nothing were going on. It wasn't until the sun had gone down and Madam Pomfrey was starting to full before the thought of going back to the dormitories even entered Lily's head. Finally, she took a breath and said, "Well...I'd better be getting back down there before they kick me out. Will you be alright...is there anything you need?"

"No...I'm alright."

Lily didn't really know how to say goodnight...the awkwardness seemed to return as their memory of the situation they were in started to dawn on them again, and everything seemed so strange. In the end, she just said, "I'll come back in the morning."

Bella nodded, looking as though she might drop off to sleep right then and there, and Lily gave her hand a squeeze and walked back out into the corridor. She shut the door carefully behind her so as not to make any noise, and then turned and made her way back to Gryffindor Tower.

Part of her did think it was harsh of Dumbledore to be so hard on Bella...but that was the part of her that was dominated by personal feelings. In reality, she knew that there was no room for any leniency on such a thing...especially not with everything that was going on in the wizarding world. After all, what message would letting them off send to the rest of the student population? That such fighting was acceptable if it was for a good cause?

That was another thing...Lily knew that news of the fight would be known to everyone within the next couple of days, and she had to plan out how she was going to handle it. She knew there was one other aspect of all this she had yet to consider, and she pushed it forcefully from her mind. She didn't want to think about spending her last days at Hogwarts without her friend...she couldn't.

Mumbling the password to the Fat Lady, she sighed as she stepped through and numbly walked over to the fire. Staring into it for a moment and wishing that the flames could somehow warm the chill she felt on the inside, she blew out a breath and lowered herself to sit cross-legged on the rug. Resting her elbows on her knees, she put her face in her hands and rubbed her eyes with their palms, trying to conjure up some words of comfort. She wished Bella were there to cheer her up, but of course it was stupid to think it...it only made her feel worse.

"Hey," came a voice from behind her, and she looked up to find James standing beside her.

"Oh...hey," she replied, "I didn't see you when I came in."

"I know, I watched you not see me," he teased quietly, his eyes remaining serious. He opened his mouth to say something else, but then seemed to think better of it and was silent for another moment as he looked at her. Lily turned her attention back to the roaring fire in front of her...she didn't know what to say. She didn't even know what she was feeling. After a moment, he tentatively lowered himself down to sit beside her, one knee drawn up and the other leg stretched out in front of him. She turned her eyes from the fire to the reflection of the fire dancing on his boots...they were still muddy from the quidditch pitch.

"Are you alright?"

She glanced up at him only to find that she could see the fire dancing in his eyes as well...she couldn't seem to get away from it. He scanned her face and his concern was palpable, but all she could do was shrug.

"Yeah...I'm alright."

A silence passed between them, and finally he said softly, "What are you doing here?"

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I would have thought you'd want to stay up there with her...since you only have a couple of nights left."

Lily was about to tell him it was ridiculous, that the nurse would never let her stay in the hospital overnight, that Bella was tired and needed her sleep...but all she could do was close her mouth again as the reality of the situation washed over her in cold waves. It was going to be her last couple of days to spend with Arabella...and from what she'd told her about going to train God-knew-where, she didn't know when she'd see her again. Suddenly, it seemed absolutely ridiculous for her not to be up there with her.

"You're right," was all she could think to say to him, and he smiled at her.

"Go on, then...before that raging lunatic of a nurse bolts the door on you."

She got up without another word and went to rush back out the portrait hole...and then James called her back. She glanced over at him and he said,

"See if you can get them to let her sleep in the dorms her last night."

Lily blinked. "But...how?"

"You're Head Girl...and if that doesn't work, I know a couple of tricks you can use to sneak her in."

She smiled gratefully at him, feeling better than she had moments ago at the prospect of the long night alone in her bed thinking about all this, and then stepped through the portrait hole on her way back to spend some final hours with her best friend.

To Be Continued in Chapter Ten

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower


	11. Testing the Limits

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean J/L

RATING: PG-13

Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE. **

**CHAPTER TEN: Testing the Limits**

Lily slowly opened her eyes, feeling like she was on fire. Sitting up, she gingerly brought her hand up to wipe the blood from her mouth just as Dumbledore's voice broke through the ringing in her ears.

"Excellent, Potter. In a desperate situation, that curse would buy you the time you'd need to look for an escape route...or at least position yourself better for a duel. Are you alright, Miss Evans?"

Lily nodded, the corners of her mouth turning slightly upward as she caught James' eye. "Yes...I'm fine. It was a good hit."

"Now, Miss Evans," Dumbledore continued above the din being caused by the rest of the class as they practiced their dueling skills, "I must congratulate you on keeping hold of your wand...in an intense duel that could mean the difference between life and death. What could you have done to prevent that hit?"

As he asked the question, he reached a hand down to help her to her feet. Standing and brushing herself off, a bit impressed herself at the fact that her wand was still gripped tightly in her hand, she replied, "I got distracted...Tim had just bumped into me and I turned my head."

"Exactly," he replied, then raised his voice so that the whole group could hear him, "When involved in a situation where you are fighting for your life, it requires total concentration. In that moment, the only things whose existence you care about are yourself and your opponent...oh, and both of your wands, as well."

A ripple of laughter went through the class, and Dumbledore continued, "While we're on the subject, I want to say a few things about wands. As you all well know if you happened to purchase your wands from Mr. Ollivander, the wand chooses the wizard...or witch. This is no small bit of information...it means that your wand is not merely a tool or a weapon. It is _your_ tool, _your_ weapon...and also your most trusted ally in dangerous circumstances. You and your wand together possess strength is certain areas, and are not as formidable in others. It is your responsibility to know these strengths and weaknesses, and in battle, how well you know the capabilities of your wand as it is used by you – it's wizard – can save your life."

There was a silence after Dumbledore was finished speaking as everyone pondered what he had said to them. Lily absently swiped the last bit of blood from her lip as she stood there contemplating, and after a moment Dumbledore looked at the old clock on his desk.

"Oh, my...it's already past eleven o'clock. You are all dismissed, and get a good night's rest...you have your lessons tomorrow."

Tim gave him an incredulous look and asked, "Professor, couldn't we have a pass? At least for the first lesson of the day?"

Dumbledore winked at him and turned to leave, calling, "Aurors do not receive passes, Mr. Connelly. Consider it part of your training."

A few people laughed and there were some sighs as everyone collected their things. Lily calculated it in her head...if she were to head straight back to the dorms and go straight to bed, she'd get about six and a half hours of sleep. A voice broke through her thoughts as she hoisted her unusually large pile of books onto her hip.

"What are all those?"

She glanced up at James, who was slinging his bag over his shoulder and nodding at her books. She smiled a bit sheepishly and replied, "Yeah, well...perhaps I did go overboard a bit. I realized today that I haven't been to the library in almost a month."

James frowned. "What are you talking about? We have the meeting there every week."

"No, I mean I haven't really _been_ there...to take out books or anything. The meetings don't count...in fact, they make it worse, because I can't even say I didn't have time to go."

James blew out a huff of laughter as they made their way down the corridors to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius following behind them. "Whatever you say. Here, let me take some of those."

She let him relieve her of a couple of the bigger volumes. "Thanks."

He nodded, then said, "Hey, listen...sorry about that lip."

Lily cut him off. "Oh, please...don't apologize. It was a great hit! Anyway, it was payback for that gash on your face."

James' brow furrowed as he reached a hand up to his jaw and felt the cut she'd given him earlier in the dueling session. "Huh...I forgot all about that."

A chuckle sounded from behind them and they both turned to find Sirius grinning wolfishly at James. "Yeah...you won't forget about it ever again. It looks like it's going to leave a huge scar."

Frowning, James replied, "Right, and you'd know."

"You think I'm joking?" Sirius asked solemnly, even though it was clear he _was_ joking, "I'm serious..."

"Piss off," James shot over his shoulder, even though he was starting to smile.

Lily shrugged, "Well..._I_ was enjoying it."

"Speaking of enjoyable activities," Sirius mentioned, "We might want to pick a time when we can finish that blasted potion. I, for one, wouldn't mind spending a solid afternoon on it if it meant we could be done with it."

"Sounds fine to me," Lily replied, "I wanted to get it done before the NEWTS anyway."

"Good, let's do it Sunday."

"Okay, good."

They walked in silence for a moment before James mumbled, "Ours is finished already."

Lily tutted and Sirius snorted, growling, "I wouldn't be proud of this...it means you have a poor excuse for a social life."

James quirked a brow and said, "I don't know what that says about you, then, because you are my social life."

They laughed, and then walked in companionable silence the rest of the way to the Tower. It felt like there was a piece missing without Arabella, but somehow Lily didn't miss her as much as she would have thought...she supposed it was because she knew Arabella was already out there, preparing to make a difference. Lily envied her more than anything else, and she felt so grateful to Dumbledore for subtly acknowledging the reality of the circumstances surrounding that fight. He knew as well as Lily herself did that Arabella was a strong, independent, intellegent witch who would excel at whatever she threw herself into, and the Ministry should be thanking their stars that she was going to be on their side.

At the base of the dormitory staircase they said goodnight and parted ways, and Lily was glad to crawl into her bed...her chest was still sore from being hit by that curse. Wasting no time, she turned over and fell asleep.

The next day was fairly uneventful. As she sat through her lessons, she couldn't take her mind off of the articles in the Daily Prophet she'd read over breakfast...talking about the increasing danger, the Ministry, how no one quite knew what was going to happen next. It was all very frightening, but somehow it made Lily want to be involved. Part of it was due to the massive void her parents deaths had left in her life and the intense loss she felt when she thought of them, but it was also because she truly believed she could possibly make a difference. As guilty as she felt about it, she couldn't help thinking that all of this – their lessons and Hogwarts – just wasn't as important as it had once been. She felt she'd outgrown the place, and she just wanted to get out of there and go do something real.

The only class she fully appreciated anymore was Dumbledore's class, and that wasn't even a normal lesson. She simply had to continue to get through the days and focus on her NEWTS so that she could at least feel that she'd always done her best when she finally walked out of the castle for the last time at the end of this year...and as impatient as she felt to have that happen, it was still a sad thought.

Later that night, she sat in the common room with Helen, who was talking to her about something that had happened in Potions. Lily wasn't listening...she was staring at her friend's blonde head and wondering why she hadn't confided in her more, since Arabella had gone. Lily contemplated hers and Helen's entire relationship as she waited for James to get back from Quidditch practice. She didn't quite know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, she and Helen had grown in different directions. They'd shared a dorm since the beginning of their time at Hogwarts...but over time Helen had mostly made friends with the Hufflepuffs, and Arabella and Lily had formed an unusually strong bond. It wasn't that Helen wasn't her friend...but Lily kept the deepest and darkest of her secrets and thoughts for Arabella only.

No, not Arabella only, she corrected herself. Now James as well. Life was truly strange.

After what seemed like forever, James came through the portrait hole with the rest of the team, wet from the rain. His eyes scanned the room and immediately found her, then he walked over and stopped in front of her.

"Hey...d'you want to go for a walk?"

Lily glanced at Helen, who was now speaking with a couple of sixth year girls, and then frowned back up at him. "Now?"

He smiled a little and replied, "Has to be now. I've got to do something."

"What?"

Raising his eyebrows at her, he asked, "Do you want to go or not?"

Lily shrugged and followed James' lead out the portrait hole.

"Alright, come on...what is it?"

"Hmm?" he murmured, still smiling and refusing to look at her.

Heaving a frustrated sigh that was only half genuine, she asked, "What is it you have to do?"

Giving his head a shake, he replied, "See, this is quite the predicament for me, because if I tell you now you might turn right back around and refuse to come with me."

This heightened her curiosity, if not her enthusiasm. "Well, as confident as that makes me feel, I'd still like to make this important decision based on facts and not guesswork...so would you please spit it out?"

Laughing and finally giving in, he glanced at her and confessed, "It's my turn to clean the Quidditch shed."

Nodding, she made a face and turned on her heel. He laughed harder and caught her arm, pleading, "Come on...I swear I'll make it fun."

Facing him again, she asked, "How could you possibly make that job fun?"

He shrugged. "If there's anyone who could, it's me. Please?"

"I don't understand why you have to do this right now!" she protested, glancing out the window at the fading twilight.

"Oh, and you had something better to do, Miss Bookworm?"

Narrowing her eyes to slits in mock annoyance, she replied, "At least a book would provide me with good company."

He winced and put a hand to his chest. "Ouch, Evans. That hurt."

She shook her head and started walking again, never having had any intention of turning back. "I suppose I should give you an opportunity to prove me wrong."

Following behind her, he replied, "Right...thanks a lot."

She slowed so he could catch up, but he still remained a step behind her. Glancing over her shoulder, she said, "Well, come on! Don't lag behind."

He grinned at her and quickly caught up. "Sorry. Now d'you see why I had to bring you? Where would I be otherwise?"

"Stop making fun."

Glancing at her, he replied, "I'm not."

Once they were well on their way to the pitch, she turned and gazed at the silhouette of the castle against the darkening sky. "Do you remember the first time you saw it?"

"What?"

"Hogwarts."

"Sure," he replied, turning to glance at it as well, "Everyone does. I was...maybe four years old."

She looked up at him in surprise as they continued walking. "Four?"

Nodding, he explained, "My dad used to be on some committee...I don't know what it was, but it had something to do with the rebuilding projects they had to coordinate right after the Grindelwald era. I used to go with him sometimes when I was a young boy."

"Really?"

"Yeah...you know how you go back to a place that you visited when you were a kid, and it seems so much smaller when you experience it as an adult?"

"Yeah...I do."

He paused for a moment, his eyes scanning the horizon, before finishing, "It never happened with Hogwarts. It never lost anything as I grew up...it never seemed to diminish at all. But lately...is it just me, or is the place starting to feel a bit claustrophobic?

"Yeah," she agreed, relief coarsing through her unexpectedly as she received confirmation that she was not the only one who felt held back, "I feel it, too. All I want to do these days is get out of here. Everything just seems so..."

She hesitated, and he provided, "Pointless?"

"Yes, exactly. I just can't stand sitting in class anymore."

Smirking, he replied, "I know. I don't think I've ever seen you spend so much time staring wistfully out the window...and if you're not doing that, you're looking at your watch."

Lily shrugged, a bit red-faced. "I can't help it. There's so much to worry about now. Hearing the details of how juniper berries aid in the soothing of a pixie bite just doesn't seem to hold the appeal it once did."

Raising an eyebrow, James replied, "Right, well...I _never_ would have found that appealing, but I know what you mean."

She tutted, and they walked on in silence for a moment. She enjoyed the mild breeze and mused over whatever came into her head, and then a thought struck her. Looking over at him, she noted quietly, "I don't think you've ever talked to me about your family before."

He seemed a bit surprised at the sudden comment, but soon recovered and shrugged. "There's not much to tell. My Mum and Dad are just the same as they've always been. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so ever since I was a boy, my parents have simply expected me to succeed...and I made sure I did. I knew it was what they wanted."

She took this opportunity to comment in an exaggeratedly bitter voice, "Maybe _that's_ why you're so effortlessly good in your lessons."

"No," he replied wryly, smiling over at her, "_That's_ because I'm a genius."

She rolled her eyes and laughed as he continued, "I mean, I had my rebellious streak. I reckoned that if I was going to work my arse off for top marks, I was at least entitled to break every rule in the book while I did it."

"I know," she said dryly, "_I_ was the one doling out the punishment."

He looked down at her and grinned wolfishly, "Yeah, you _thought_ you were punishing me. Half the time I broke the rules just so that you would come and tell me off."

He seemed abominably smug about this. "Excuse me?"

"Well...first I fancied you, so it was a way to get attention. Then I hated you so I wanted a fight. Either way..."

"Either way, you're a git."

He snorted, then fell into silence. It seemed as if he was done with the conversation and wasn't going to say anything more. She, however, wasn't quite satisfied...it was dawning on her just how little she knew about his life, and she wanted to persue it for a bit longer as long as the subject had already been broached.

"Sirius speaks well of them, anyway," she observed, glancing furitively up at him. He looked down at her, and she quickly looked back down at the path they were treading to the pitch.

"Does he?"

She nodded, and he prodded lightly, "When?"

"Not often...just once, actually. It was something he said one day when we were working on that potion...I can't even remember exactly what it was."

James nodded, eyebrows raised a bit. He looked a little astonished that Sirius would bring it up at all, and she wondered if perhaps she shouldn't have said it, even though it was the truth. When he spoke again, though, he merely sounded pensive.

"I know Sirius respects my parents...well, as much as he _can_, anyway. He's not much for authority figures."

"Really?" she asked sarcastically, "I would never have guessed."

He shot her a look, and then went on, "Still...he's not really one to judge. His family are a load of nutters. You knew Bellatrix well enough, so that should give you some idea."

Lily was shocked. "Yes, I...as much as I cared to know her, anyway. I sort of thought that _she_ was the black sheep..."

"No," he interrupted firmly, his voice hard, "Sirius is most definitely the odd one. He's been practically disowned...the whole lot of them have always taken great pride in being connected with Slytherin at Hogwarts."

Lily nodded, realization dawning and making her feel more than a little sorry at how she'd apparently always underestimated Sirius Black's complexity. "So...I imagine, then, that it wasn't welcome news when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor."

James laughed and quirked a brow at her. "You could say that, yeah. Anyway, my parents always let me bring him to spend holidays with us...and they were always very good to him."

They'd arrived at the shed, and as James opened the door a cloud of dust choked her.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding," she muttered as she stepped through the door into the musty space. He illuminated the small torches on the walls, bathing the room in light, and she could see that there was quite a bit of work to be done. He turned and looked at her, then laughed at the look on her face.

"Relax...I'll do the work, you just sit down. Here's a bench."

He bent, grabbing hold of a rickety wooden bench that had been pushed against the wall and hauling it over to her. Setting it down, he shrugged and commented, "Looks comfortable, right?"

"Yeah...lovely," she replied sarcastically, but sat down anyway. As he began by organizing the equipment, she thought about continuing with the conversation about his family. She felt insatiable...now that she knew a little, she wanted to know everything. After all, she reasoned, he knew everything there was to know about her life beyond Hogwarts. Feeling a bit out of her element talking about something that she knew nothing about, she commented, "Why _don't_ you ever talk about your family?"

He was pulling a bundle of brooms from where they'd been unceremoniously deposited in the corner. Picking one up and examining it, he asked distractedly, "Don't I?"

Thinking maybe she shouldn't be doing this, she pressed, "No, you don't."

Pulling his wand out of his back pocket and starting to trim the bristles, he shrugged. "I don't know...like I said, there's not much to say about them. They're...kind of boring, actually. I love them and all, and they're good people, but...you know. They can be a bit stiff...a bit cold."

She frowned. "Compared to what?"

He glanced up and met her eyes momentarily before returning his attention to his work. "Well, yours, for a start."

She felt only a small pang of sadness, and she knew it was tempered by the tone of his voice. He wasn't trying to make her sad...he was just talking. She responded to it well, but blew out a huff of laughter and said a bit cynically, "Well, that's horrible, seeing as how I don't have one anymore."

He raised his eyes to really look at her now, his gaze direct and sincere. "But you did...and from what you've told me, they seemed a million times more tolerant and supportive than my parents."

Shaking her head, she replied earnestly, "Every family is different...it doesn't mean one is better or worse. My family...well, you know all about me and my sister. There's certainly nothing supportive about that."

"Yeah...but your sister is different..."

"No, _I'm_ different. That's her point," she objected, half-jokingly.

Rolling his eyes, he replied, "Well, different than _what_, that's the question. You're normal, as far as I'm concerned."

She couldn't help smiling a little at this, but she really wanted to change the subject. She didn't want to grow melancholy just now, but she'd gotten herself into it...she was the one who'd brought it up, so she figured she should at least finish it. Looking up at James as he pulled an irritated face at a mess in the cupboard, she declared mildly, "Everyone has their flaws. Dad, for instance – _my_ dad - he could be an absolute bear. Petunia's lads - the ones she occassionally brought home for dinner - used to be scared to _death_ of him."

"Really?" James asked, his eyes suddenly going alight with interest as he got tired of manual labour and enchanted the tangle of training gear to untangle itself.

Lily nodded, "He was always shouting. I don't know...he'd shout even if he didn't mean to do it. He was just a loud man...but not really bombastic, you know. Anyway, he was always looking around with this glint in his eye, like he was up to something. Always a plan brewing in his head, some way he was going to get some scheme past my Mum. Not that it worked, usually."

James smiled, watching her. "He sounds great."

She tried not to get too misty as she replied, "He was."

Still watching her closely as though trying to gauge if he was about to step over some kind of invisible comfort line, he admitted softly, "I'd like to have met him."

Touched, she observed, "You remind me of him."

This seemed to catch him off guard...his face changed, and he blinked at her. "_I_ do?"

She nodded, "Quite a bit, actually."

To this, he didn't seem to have any response. He simply sat there, staring at her. She finally broke eye contact when the moment became heavy with a tension that she hadn't anticipated…she hadn't really thought about it when she'd said it, but it was the truth. Looking back up, she found his eyes very soft, and still gazing enigmatically at her. Shrugging a bit shyly, she attempted humor in her inexplicable need to break the moment.

"Now it's your turn...you can tell me how much I remind _you_ of your mother."

His face broke into a huge grin at this, and he finally looked down at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck as he replied, "I don't think I will, thanks. It'd be a lie, anyway...you're absolutely nothing like my Mum."

'No?"

"No...in fact, you're not like anybody."

She furrowed her brows and repeated, "I'm not like anybody?"

He shook his head, looking back up at her with undisguised affection in his expression as he replied, "Nope...you're the first one of you I've met."

She blushed hard, but hoped he couldn't see it in the relatively dim light of the shed. Leave it to James Potter to consistently think of something better. Better answer, better idea...better compliment. She stood and walked around to the other side of the room, looking at the various pieces of Quidditch gear that were piled everywhere. He continued working, but she felt his eyes on her.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

She hesitated before she asked her question, because she knew she might be out of line...but she had to know, or the curiosity would kill her. "Sirius' family...you said they were..."

"Bloody bastards?" he finished, and she looked over her shoulder to find his jaw set and his expression suddenly dark. She blew out a nervous breath.

"Well...yes. I just...I mean, I don't want to say anything bad, but..."

"Lily, just ask."

It wasn't said angrily, just slightly impatiently. She screwed up her courage and asked, "Do you think they're involved? With...with everything they keep writing about in the Prophet?"

James paused before answering her question, and she prayed that he wasn't offended. When he finally did reply, though, his response was flat and without indignance, "I'm sure they are."

She turned to face him, her courage bolstered. "Has he said they are?"

He shook his head, standing and walking towards her. "No...he wouldn't know. He doesn't talk to them."

She looked at him for a long moment before concluding softly, "I can see why he's your friend."

James looked as though he wasn't sure if she was complimenting him or Sirius, but the truth was that she had meant it as a compliment to both of them...and she was tired of this serious talk. Smiling and walking over to him, she asked, "Alright...what can I do?"

He looked up at her and said, "Nothing...you're keeping me company."

"Look, I might as well contribute so it'll go faster. Plus, I know you can't do anything right without my help, so..."

He pulled a face, smiling disbelievingly, and looked up at her again. "What were you saying earlier? Something about my being a genius?"

Laughing, she retorted, "I didn't say that..._you_ did, true to form. Now come on...give me a job."

"Other than to shut up?" he asked incorrigibly. She raised her brows, and he held up his hands and said, "Alright, alright...whatever you say."

It felt good to finally have him give in to her, and she said a quick thank you to her parents for teaching her to never be afraid of perseverence.

The following Sunday, when they'd finally gotten through the week, they didn't even have much of a chance to relax...it was the day they'd agreed upon to finish the potion they were making for Dumbledore's class, and they'd started early at Lily's insistance. Progress was slow, as they had to be very careful with adding the ingredients in exactly the right measurements…and these measurements were odd and hard to perfect.

She reached across the table and picked up the vial with the blue liquid in it, and then frowned. Sirius apparently noticed because he responded with a gruff, "What? What now?"

"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head, "I just want to make sure we do this the right way. Hang on, let me just...read this over one more time before we do anything..."

The two boys sat back and watched her as she poured over her recipe page, her brows furrowed in concentration. She prayed that she didn't do anything wrong...she knew that she had been the one to take charge of the book, and if anything went awry it would be her fault. Just as she was starting to feel confident that the blue vial was supposed to come next, she jumped at the sudden sound of the door being pushed open and banging against the stone wall. Looking up, she beheld James striding over to the table.

"Right," he said, smirking, "Still not finished, then?"

They all rolled their eyes.

"What does it look like? Get away, will you?" Sirius said grumpily, but didn't protest further when James pulled up a chair and sat down, commenting,

"We finished ours a week ago, you know."

"Yeah, you've said that," Sirius muttered, "Now piss off, will you? We're working, here."

Tim, with only a twinge of annoyance in his voice, eyed his two partners and said mockingly, "Maybe he's brought us tea."

James quirked a brow and retorted, "Yeah, and yours is poisoned, Connelly."

"Well, at least then you'd be useful," Tim muttered, causing James to raise an eyebrow at him.

James blew out a huff of what sounded like laughter, but Lily was too busy trying to read her own handwriting to care.

"What are you doing over there, Connelly?" James suddenly asked mildly, his brow furrowed as he leaned over to see what Tim was working on. Tim looked up from his notes and replied,

"I'm taking down what we've done so far. Keeping track, so that we don't ruin the thing by doing something twice."

James nodded, his eyebrows raised. "Ah...right. Good thinking."

Lily looked up from her manual and eyed Tim. "Well, it doesn't work if he's not paying attention, does it?"

Tim glanced up at her. "What?"

"Did you get that down? That I just added the lavendar root?"

Tim shook his head and nudged her hip with his elbow. "Right. Sorry 'bout that."

She laughed and shrugged, then went back to frowning down at the manual. After a moment, James spoke again, but she only listened with half an ear as she scanned the ingredients they had left.

"You do a lot of writing, don't you?"

"Hmm?" Tim responded, and James clarified,

"I mean, didn't I hear you say once that you were interested in persuing journalism or something when you got out of here?"

"Oh, yeah...yeah, I think that's probably where I'll end up."

"So, do you do a lot of writing in your spare time?"

"What's the matter, Evans?" Sirius addressed her, talking over the conversation between James and Tim.

Shaking her head, she answered, "I don't think we have everything we need. Does it matter if we go out of order?"

"Do you keep a journal, then?" James was saying, and Sirius answered her,

"I don't know...some potions it does, some it doesn't. I think this one is pretty complicated...maybe we shouldn't take chances in going out of order. It would be weeks worth of work down the drain."

"Right," she agreed, "Let me just make sure, then...I'll do a quick inventory."

"I don't know," Tim said, shrugging at James, "A lot of things."

"D'you write as though you're doing articles, like about what's happening with the Ministry and such all, or...more personal stuff?"

"Both, I guess...I don't know, whatever strikes me."

Lily sighed and said, "Will you two shush? I'm trying to think..."

"Sorry, Lily," Tim apologized, but James continued in a lowered tone of voice,

"Have you been keeping journals for awhile?"

"Awhile, yeah," Tim replied, glancing at Lily.

There was a brief pause before James asked, "Could you look back through them and read about important moments in your life? That would be cool, I think. I mean, did you write about stuff like...I dunno, the first night you spent at Hogwarts or your OWLS results?"

Tim furrowed his eyebrows and cast James a puzzled look, then replied laughingly, "Yeah, I suppose...bloody hell, Potter, I don't know. I don't remember."

Lily glanced up to ask Sirius a question, but found him eyeing James suspiciously. She'd just followed his gaze to James' strangely impassive face when suddenly James asked Tim, "Did you write about the first time you had it off with a girl?"

It was as though someone had just cursed the entire group...Sirius and Lily stood staring in different levels of shock at James, Lily not believing she'd heard correctly. However, she couldn't hold onto that for long as Tim said in a dangerous voice,

"Sorry?"

James regarded Tim coldly, the corner of his mouth starting to turn up in a self-satisfied smile as he replied, "Ah...right, sorry. Didn't mean to imply that you'd gotten there yet."

The silence thickened to unbearable proportions as Tim slowly leaned forward, and before he could respond, James dealt the final blow in his unexpected verbal assault.

"Or...that you were even interested. Maybe you prefer blokes."

Tim was on his feet in an instant, and James and Sirius both stood at the same time. Lily remained seated, looking in disbelief from James to Tim and back again...they were staring daggers at each other. Tim looked livid, and James looked...Lily was dumbstruck at the look on his face. Brash, smug, and self-satisfied...but also furious. As if he _had_ something to be furious about. Finally, she looked at Sirius, hoping he would do something to stop this, but her hopes were dashed when at last he _did_ speak. Moving a bit closer to James, he said to Tim,

"Drop it, Connelly. You won't win this one."

His meaning was clear...he would stand with James. Lily was sickened.

After a heavy pause, Tim shook his head, his face a mask of anger and disgust. Picking up his notes, he threw them at Sirius and spat, "Deal with it yourself."

He didn't even look at Lily before grabbing his bag, turning on his heel, and walking out of the room. James and Sirius relaxed a bit after he was gone, apparently not feeling they had to be tensed for a fight any longer...but Lily slowly stood, one hand gripping her own notes and the other balled into a fist at her side. Sirius shook his head and took his seat, muttering,

"Bloody hell, mate."

James stared for a moment at the door through which Tim had left, and then glanced at Sirius. Lily felt her lip curling as she looked from one to the other...she was absolutely taken aback, and she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with them. Throwing her own notes on the table in front of Sirius, which caused him to look up at her, she said vehemently, "You can have mine, too."

Casting one look at James only to find him looking back at her unapologetically, she grabbed her books and stormed out of the room. Running up the stairs, she found Tim turning a corner, heading back to the Ravenclaw common room.

"Tim!"

He ignored her.

"Tim, wait!" she called again, feeling so awful that she knew if she didn't speak to him she'd die, "I'm so, so sorry about what happened back there..."

He rounded on her suddenly, surprising her. "Why the hell are you apologizing? As I recall, you didn't say bugger all."

Cringing at his language, she said, "I know...that's why I'm sorry. I should have interrupted, I should have..."

"Look," he said, interrupting her, "You used to stand up to James Potter, and I admired you for that. If you don't have the energy – or the desire – to do that anymore, it's no skin off my nose. I get it, alright? You and he are close, it's not a big deal...but from now on, keep him away from our group sessions. We need to get that bloody thing done, and we don't need interference."

With that, he turned and strode away from her, leaving her gaping after him and feeling as though she was two inches tall.

She didn't see him again until dinner. She didn't expect to, considering the fact that it was nearly ten o'clock by the time she got down there...she just assumed he'd already been and gone. She was sitting in the Great Hall by herself, calmly eating her soup as she read a "Contemporary Charmwork" issue that she'd borrowed from Professor Flitwick, when suddenly he was sitting across from her. She glanced up and found him staring at her.

"What?" she asked coolly, turning her eyes back to her reading.

"What?" he repeated, then asked, "Where have you been?"

Lifting her shoulders unconcernedly, she replied, "Busy."

Rather than respond, he apparently decided that he'd had enough and grabbed the publication right out from under her nose so abruptly that she nearly dropped her spoon. Glaring furiously up at him, she opened her mouth to tell him off but couldn't get the words out before he said,

"I want to talk."

"Oh, yeah?" she retorted, slamming her spoon down on the table and bracing herself for whatever was about to happen, "Well, sorry...I'm not interested. Now give me back my..."

"This is how it's going to be, then?" he asked angrily, "I can spend months, years, or decades acting like a bloody saint around you, and one show of backbone - one telling off of some self-important _git_ - will leave you convinced that I'm rubbish?"

She frowned, shaking her head, "A saint? Who asked you to be saintly?"

"Come off it," he growled, spitefully tossing her periodical a fair distance down the Gryffindor table, "Your expectations are close to impossible to achieve, you..."

"My expectations?" she interrupted, completely unable to understand what he was trying to say but now even more angry that he'd disposed of her reading material so unceremoniously, "Look, I don't know what in the world you mean. As far as I can tell, you're talking about a problem you've invented for yourself, not something that was started by anything _I've_ ever said to you. Furthermore, you're making this much more complicated than it really is."

"Am I?" he sneered, and she replied,

"Yes. If this is the kind of conversation you wanted to have with me, one where we dance around the issue and turn things around so that somehow everything that happens is my fault, then I'm standing up and walking out of here. If you want to _stick_ to the issue, then by all means, let's talk."

He was silent for a moment, glaring at her, and she stared determinedly back at him. When it looked as though he was wordlessly agreeing to her terms, she asked quietly,

"Why did you do it, James?"

He snorted, then broke eye contact and directed his gaze at the professor's table where thankfully only one person was sitting, engrossed in a book. He was shaking his head as though rejecting her words, and so she went on, "If he'd said something horrible, at least that would have been a _reason_ for dragging him through the mud like that...but he didn't."

He looked back at her and stated firmly, "He has some kind of _problem_ with me...he has for a long time now. It was obvious the minute I walked into the room."

"As I recall, none of us cheered when you walked in. We were giving ourselves headaches, we were concentrating so hard on getting that potion right. And anyway, that isn't the point...the point is, you did it on purpose."

"What?"

"Look," she began, rubbing her temple, "I've been thinking about it all afternoon. Don't you think that I would love to provide you with some kind of excuse in my head? Don't you think I'd be relieved if I could think of just _one_ reason Tim deserved the verbal lashing and public humiliation you gave him today? I would...but I can't. Not only was it completely unprovoked, but as I thought back on it...James, _you_ provoked _him_."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes...you drew him into a seemingly innocent conversation, and then you used his own words to tear him apart. It was deliberate, and it was a horrible thing to do. I just...I can't reconcile the person I saw in you today with the person I thought was..."

She hesitated, and he prodded, "Was what?"

She looked him in the eye as she finished, "Getting to be a very close friend of mine."

He didn't react violently, but she could see it in his eyes...that stung him. He was hurt, and as usual that hurt manifested itself outwardly as anger. His eyes narrowed, he leaned over the table and hissed, "I don't know where you got your definition of friendship, but from what I've learned all my life it's a matter of loyalty. You don't write off your friends when they do things you don't approve of...you _accept_ their flaws, because it's worth it. If you can't do that – if you can't handle the aspects of my personality that you don't understand or can't find somewhere within yourself – then maybe it's _you_ that's rubbish."

Touché, she thought wryly as the sting from his harsh evaluation pierced her. Sighing, she decided it wasn't worth it to continue hurting each other...it wouldn't solve anything, and who knows what kind of damage would be done when they finished. Leaning forward so that she could lower her voice to a near whisper as a couple more stragglers wandered in for a late meal, she replied, "I think you know how much I appreciate and care about you, and I can't imagine that you would need me to remind you."

This seemed to catch him off guard...she could literally see his eyes soften as his eyes roamed her face. She went on, "Being a good friend also doesn't mean blindly approving of everything your friend does if you think it's wrong...and I think what you did to Tim Connelly today was wrong."

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. Finally, blowing out a breath, he said in a subdued voice, "I know you probably don't see it, Lily...the entire lead up to what happened was so subtle even Sirius didn't catch on right away. The minute I walked into the room, Connelly made it clear he didn't want me in there."

"James..."

"It had nothing to do with the work he wanted to get done. He's had a problem with me for years...we just don't interact, so it doesn't get noticed."

"James, if it was so subtle, you could have just ignored it."

"No," he insisted, running his hand through his hair, "I don't know, I suppose I could have...but I wouldn't."

She contemplated this for a moment, and he elaborated, "He was trying to belittle me in front of...other people. You may not approve, but I stand by what I did...I couldn't just sit there and take it."

She considered it proud and arrogant, and still thought what he did was ultimately cruel...but how could she argue with this? For all she knew, she was overreacting...she didn't know much about it, to be honest. Shrugging, she replied honestly, "Fair enough...but I still can't accept it."

He nodded and said unenthusiastically, "Fair enough."

They sat in silence for a moment, regarding each other, and then he turned his head and caught sight of something. Sighing, he stood and walked over to where he had chucked her copy of "Contemporary Charmwork". Picking it up off the table and shaking the creases out, he came back and handed it to her without apology. She took it without thanks.

He looked at his watch and frowned. "I have to go...I'm late."

"For what?"

"I have to meet with the other three...bloody hell, I'm late."

She stood and gathered her things. "Well, that's alright...I was going to go and read the rest of this in bed. I'm tired...we started early this morning."

He nodded, then led the way out of the Great Hall. At the door, they stood looking at each other for a moment, neither one feeling totally at ease with the resolution – or lack thereof – of their argument. However, this was just one of those things that was going to have to fade with a little time.

"See you later," he said, turning and taking off down the corridor.

"See you," she called after him, and then turned in the opposite direction and headed back to Gryffindor Tower, looking forward to simply letting this day end. When Lily got back to the dorms she was surprised to find Helen in bed already, sick with a cold. She'd apparently been to the hospital wing for a pepper-up hours ago, but she was dealing with a raging case of sinus infection and refused to take anything else...she didn't like medicine of any kind. After being assured that all Helen needed was a good night's sleep and that she had consented to a very mild sleeping draught which hadn't taken effect yet, Lily got into her pajamas and crawled into bed to read for awhile.

Just as she yawned and thought that perhaps she should call it a night, she heard the dormitory door open with a click and a faint squeak. Her blood froze as she closed her book and leaned forward, every muscle getting ready to spring from the bed as she listened to the rapidly approaching footsteps. Before she could call out to Helen or react in any way whatsoever, her bedcurtains were shoved aside and she was faced with an extremely agitated James Potter. It took her a mere two milliseconds to realize that something was very, very wrong with him.

"What's happened?" she demanded.

"Shh," he admonished her as he threw a quick glance over at where Helen was sleeping soundly under the influence of her mild draught, "I need you. Quick."

"What?"

"I need your help."

His tone didn't leave any room for discussion...plus, he had his hand on her wrist and was quite literally pulling her out of her bed. He was dirty and his clothes were torn in some places...and her stomach turned as she got a closer look at him and realized that his white shirt was also stained with blood.

"Are you hurt?" she demanded, grabbing his sleeve and pulling it closer to her face, her voice hard as though she was bracing herself for the truth.

"Come on, hurry," he commanded sharply, impatiently disentangling his arm from her grasp and pulling her dressing gown off of the bedpost where it was hanging, practically throwing it at her in his haste. She decided against arguing with him as she got a good look at his eyes...they were wild with panic, and it frightened her out of her wits to see it. She stood and barely got time to put both feet in her slippers before he seized her hand and dragged her behind him down the stairs, out the portrait hole, and through the corridors of the castle. She didn't know where they were going, and her anxiety and anger at his refusal to tell her anything got the best of her as she demanded again,

"_Answer_ me. Are you hurt?"

"No," he replied flatly, looking around as he stepped out into the fairly bright night, still pulling her behind him. "It's not my blood."

His cryptic and extremely disturbing answer made her stomach turn, and she felt wary about pressing him further. Once he was a few paces away from the castle, she got the breath jolted out of her as he broke into a full sprint, his hand still painfully gripping hers. She broke into a sweat as she tried valiantly to keep up with his longer strides, but she wasn't as athletic as he was and he was making no concessions to that fact. At some point she stumbled as she lost a slipper and she tried to slow down as if to go back for it, but he wouldn't have it.

"Come on, dammit!" he snapped urgently, hauling her up, and she resolutely kicked off the other one as well, hoping like mad she wouldn't step on any rocks in her bare feet as they kept running in the direction of the Quidditch pitch. Thankfully for him, she was much to harried and scared to be angry. After what seemed like forever and just when she was thinking she was going to have to force him to slow down so that she could catch her breath, he rounded a corner near the stands and she found herself standing in front of the supply shed. After a quick glance around, he opened the door and grasped her by the arms, pushing her inside ahead of him.

"Lumos," he murmured, making his way across the small room. He'd let go of her by now, and she struggled to avoid tripping over anything as she squinted into the dark room...the only illumination came from the moonlight streaming through a single, small window. Her stomach twisted as she was finally able to make out what she was seeing.

Sirius Black was lying prostrate on a bench, breathing heavily and erratically. His clothes were soaked with something, and Lily knew that it was blood. She just knew it. As she strode over to him, she could smell it...the air in the place was hot and stuffy, and there was no ventilation coming through.

"My God," she said in an undertone, frowning and rubbing her forehead, "What _happened_?"

"I need you fix it," James insisted, ignoring her question, and she turned and balked at him, her eyes narrowed as she tried to read his face in the dim light.

"You're joking."

"Does this look funny to you?" he replied, agitated and obviously beside himself with concern for his friend. She shook her head, ignoring all this and trying to think rationally.

"He needs to go to the _hospital_."

"NO," Sirius panted suddenly, his voice cracking through the darkness of the shed like a whip, "No hospital."

She spun to face him, only to find his eyes closed as he dealt with whatever pain he was feeling. "You need to be seen by Madam Pomfrey..."

Now his voice came in a near snarl as he interrupted angrily, "Don't you DARE call the bloody nurse."

James, still addressing her as though this conversation wasn't happening, repeated, "You have to patch him up."

"Are you mad?" she exclaimed, rounding on him furiously, "_Look_ at him, for God's sake! I can't..."

"Yes, you can," James broke in, stepping forward so that he was standing right in front of her, his voice softer as though he was trying to coax her into doing it, "You're brilliant with charmwork, you always have been. _I_ can't do it, but _you_ can."

She shook her head even as she crossed over to where Sirius lay and determinedly pulled his shirt open. Grimacing, she took out her wand out. "Lumos."

Holding it close to his torn skin, she could see plainly now that there were lacerations everywhere...even on his face. She didn't know how serious they were, but she knew she shouldn't be agreeing to this. It was way out of the realm of student capability...and even if she could do it, it wasn't her place.

"What if something happens? What if I make it worse?" she asked, her voice steely as she looked across at James. He shook his head and replied,

"You were never here. No one would know."

"_I'd_ know."

They stared at each other for a long moment in tense silence. Then, against her better judgment, she waved James over.

"Hold your wand here so that I can see what I'm doing...if that even makes a difference."

He obeyed instantly. She closed her eyes and blew out a breath, mumbling to herself, "Okay...okay, I need to remember...the simple healing charms, I don't have time to remember the others...nothing complicated..."

Within seconds she was carefully sealing Black's wounds as best she could with her limited experience, shocking herself with her ability to keep a steady hand under this kind of pressure. After a few minutes of total concentration, and after she'd become a bit more confident that she at least wasn't going to do him any further damage, she demanded, "I want you to tell me what the hell happened."

Neither of them spoke, and she looked up and met James' eyes with a steady gaze. "Answer me."

James' eyes moved slowly from her to Sirius, who had opened his eyes at her question. Now he had his black eyes narrowed at James as he warned dangerously, "Don't you dare."

James swallowed. "She's repairing your ripped up body, mate."

"I said _no_," Sirius repeated, his voice cold and resolute.

Lily felt her anger rapidly approaching the boiling point...the situation was simply too dire, too absurd, for her to be tactful. Gritting her teeth as she pinched one of Black's wounds closed and positioned her wand, she decided to forgo the games and asked, "Where is he now?"

They both looked at her, and Sirius grunted through the pain, "Who the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't treat me like I'm daft!" she snapped lividly, "Remus. Where is he now?"

"What's he got to do with anything?" Sirius shot back, and Lily replied,

"He did this to you, didn't he?"

Nothing but total silence followed her blunt assumption, but she could practically hear everyone's minds working as she finished with one wound and swiped at the perspiration on her forehead before moving on to the next. Finally, Sirius spoke.

"Why would you think Remus had anything to do with this?"

He tried to sound irritable, but he was taken aback, and it was evident in his tone. Shaking her head, Lily replied harshly, "_Stop_ it. I know everything already."

"What's everything?" Sirius shot back.

"Look," she explained, swiping at her forehead again, "I've known for a long time. Just tell me one thing...is he confined, or is he roaming out there somewhere where he's a danger to himself or others?"

Another silence followed this, but it was merely the eye of the hurricane. All at once, it was as though the place had exploded...Sirius heaved himself to a sitting position, jarring Lily's wand and causing a huge red mark on what was previously healthy flesh. He was bellowing at James, who was still glaring at Lily in confusion.

"Why the bloody hell would you tell _her_ about that? It wasn't your secret to tell, you arrogant bastard!"

James snapped out of his thoughts and rounded on Sirius, his eyes blazing behind his glasses. "Shut up...you have no idea what you're talking about, dammit. I haven't said anything about that to her!"

"Of all the irresponsible, pig-headed, selfish..."

"I've just told you, you bloody idiot! I would _never_ betray that to anyone...I don't care who..."

Lily couldn't stand it any longer...she was getting a headache, and was watching as Sirius created more pain for himself and more work for her by becoming overwrought. Holding her hands up, she cried, "Will you just STOP?"

Sirius turned to her and snarled, "_You_ can keep your bloody mouth shut...this isn't any of your concern."

At this, James completely lost his temper. "We _made_ it her concern when we asked her to help us, and you'd best remember that, you ungrateful wanker!."

"Look, no one TOLD me," she interrupted furiously, "I figured it out a long time ago! I mean, is that so hard to believe, considering I've read entire books on the subject of lycanthropy? It's actually pretty obvious to anyone who can read the clues correctly...so lay back down and let me finish this, or you're going to pass out from blood loss."

Sirius glared at her for a moment longer, then slowly and reluctantly did as she said. Once she was back to work, she asked again, "So, _where_ is he?"

A pause, then James replied quietly, "He's confined."

"Like an animal, right?" Sirius added bitterly, then winced as Lily lifted his arm to check his side for cuts.

Lily shook her head in frustration. "I can't believe this...I can't believe you would take this risk. Animagi or no, I..."

"Right," Sirius interrupted, throwing a triumphant look at James, "Apparently there _are_ some things you'll betray."

James was quiet for a moment as he looked out the window at the moon, and then he said simply, "I told her about me, that's all. She must have figured out the rest."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," Lily complained, then a thought hit her and she asked, "Where's Peter?"

They looked at each other, and then James replied, "We don't know."

"Well, is he hurt?"

Sirius snorted. "Hurt? He didn't have time to get hurt. Ran away so fast he was a blur...bloody coward."

"You don't know," James defended his missing friend, "He could be..."

"He's not, alright?" Sirius insisted, his voice rising in pain as Lily gingerly folded a loose flap of skin over to cover the open wound that was exposed. Wanting to change the subject, as it was clear James was worried about Peter, Lily continued on the previous topic.

"It wasn't too hard to put together. But animagi or no, this was totally irresponsible. When I think of how much worse it could have been..."

"Oh, spare us, Head Girl!" Sirius snapped, and Lily shot back,

"You could have been _killed_! Or someone else...someone who had nothing to do with it! You should be thanking _God_ that this is all that happened!"

Wisely, Sirius didn't reply to that, and she didn't persue the matter. She'd gotten her point across. After another three-quarters of an hour working steadily, Lily finally managed to close up most of the more serious abraisions. Standing back and looking him over, she said worriedly, "I really wish you'd let me get someone..."

"No," James cut her off, giving his head a shake, "No one else can know. It's fine...you managed to get it under control."

"But those bruises...and there could be infection..."

"We'll deal with that if it happens," Sirius said as he made an effort to sit up, "Just...get me back to the Tower..."

He was obviously exhausted and still in no small amount of pain, so James hoisted him off the bench and helped him walk to the door. As they were about to go out, Lily started and said, "Oh...the bloodstains...we can't leave them."

Turning, she performed a swift cleaning on the small shed, hoping that she'd gotten it all. Resolving herself to the fact that she was going to have to find a way to get back there in the morning to make sure and thanking God there was no game scheduled for tomorrow, she turned back toward the door and followed James and a limping Sirius Black out into the night. As they walked back to the castle, Lily prayed that no one saw them...it would be over, everything would be over. Not only was she worried about someone seeing them, but she couldn't help feeling extremely frightened as the full moon beat down on their heads. She hoped they were right about Remus being confined...because _they_ may be amimagi, but she had no such defense. The thought sent a chill creeping up her spine and she shivered as she pushed it out of her mind.

After what seemed like forever due to the slow pace they were taking in deferrence to Black's condition, they finally got to Gryffindor Tower. Lily waited downstairs as James took Sirius up the the dorms, sitting tiredly on the couch. She wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but she was still not convinced that James wasn't hurt and she needed to make sure. She didn't see how Sirius could be in such horrible shape and James wouldn't have a scratch on him. When he came back down the stairs, however, he didn't even look at her...he strode right to the portrait hole and Lily realized with a jolt that he was about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked, jumping to her feet.

"I have to do something," he replied shortly, and she ran over and grabbed his arm before he could go.

"What?"

He tried to shrug her off, and she became angry all over again. Dropping his arm, she declared resolutely, "If you walk through that portrait hole, I swear I'll get the nurse."

He froze, then spun around. "What?"

"You heard me...I'll find the nurse. Or whoever will come."

For a moment he looked as though he was going to slap her. "You can't mean that you'd actually..."

"I would...don't test me."

James stood in stunned silence for a moment, and then he swore viciously and spat, "Of all the petty, _disloyal_...they're all in this bind because of ME! It's MY bloody fault! I was late in meeting them because I stupidly felt that I had to go and settle a sodding argument I was having with YOU about something I said to that bloody PONCE Tim Connelly!"

"I won't have you getting hurt!" she burst out angrily, ignoring his pointed insults, "I won't be patching up _your_ blood-soaked body next! Not if I can stop it from happening!"

This effectively stopped his tirade. Blinking, obviously caught off guard, he replied, "I won't get hurt."

"How can you _know_ that?"

"Because," he yelled, obviously at the end of his patience with the entire night, "He doesn't hurt us when we're not in human form!"

"Fine then, tell me something," she shot back, her patience waning as well, "When Sirius was nearly torn to pieces, was he really Sirius or was he _Padfoot_?"

Now he was the one who looked as though he'd been slapped. He blew out a frustrated breath and ran both hands through his hair, glancing frantically at the portrait hole. Finally, he said in a more subdued voice, "Look...I won't go to Remus. You're right...there's nothing I can do now. I just...I have to go find Peter..."

"No, James...NO."

"Lily, for all I know he got _trampled_!" he implored, stepping closer to her and leaning down a bit so that they were eye to eye, "I have to go and make sure he's alright...I _told_ you, Remus is back where he belongs. Before, with Sirius...that was a fluke. I won't even go near him."

She regarded him for a long moment, then said, "You promise you won't put yourself in danger?"

"I swear to you I won't go near him."

She sighed, then nodded and said, "I'll keep my mouth shut."

He didn't reply...he just turned and left. Feeling like she wanted to just sit down and weep, she went over to the couch and lowered herself slowly into it. Her head was pounding, and she leaned back against the cushions...she didn't know what she would do if he wasn't back within the hour, because she most defininitely had no intention of going up to bed until he got back.

Saying a little prayer that nothing had happened to poor Peter, she pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She didn't even realize that she'd fallen asleep until she woke up again to the sight of James leaning over her. Stirring confusedly, she became gradually aware of his hand gently shaking her awake. Trying to get her eyes to focus correctly, she asked groggily, "What happened?"

His voice was almost a whisper as he replied, "I found him."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," he replied tiredly, sitting down beside her and leaning his head back, "He just went up."

She nodded and pushed herself up straight. "Good...that's a relief. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep knowing you were still out there."

He didn't respond right away, but he acknowledged her by lightly taking her hand in his. After a moment he said, "I know you think we're idiots."

She didn't answer, mostly because she didn't know how. She _did_ think they were idiots to take such a risk, much less multiple times, but this was hardly the time to express it. She was simply relieved that everyone had gotten back safe and sound...with the exception of Remus, and she comforted herself by remembering that he'd been dealing with the problem all his life. When she didn't say anything, James closed his eyes and went on,

"It's hard to explain the reasons behind it, because they make perfect sense to us but I know they sound ridiculous. We worked so hard...you have no idea. I've never put so much effort into anything as I did into figuring out how to transfigure myself. Sirius, too...it was the two of us, every spare minute we could get, pouring over books and manuals, performing tests. We were figuring it out for Peter as well...he's such a good bloke, Peter. He just doesn't have the academic ability to pull a lot of stuff off, but he makes up for it with loyalty."

She nodded. "I know."

Sighing, he continued, "I felt like I needed to show him – Remus – that he wasn't such an outcast. When we really got to know him, it was like he'd resigned himself to the fact that he was never going to live a normal life...hell, that he was never going to live at all. No friends, no girls who would have him...it really bothered me, thinking about that. That's why we did it...and that's why we've continued to do it."

She didn't know what to say, so she simply gave his hand a little squeeze to show she was listening. He squeezed back and then swallowed, his brows drawn together in distress as he told her his deepest feelings about his best-kept secret. His voice cracked a bit as he concluded, "I can't explain to you what it's like...when we're in our animagi forms. It's like...you're the same person, but you exist in a completely different reality. When we'd transfigure ourselves for that one night a month, it was as though we could get away from whatever stresses were in our lives at the time and just...exist. And Remus...he could feel as though there was less of a void between his life and ours, because we could sympathize with him better than most. That's why we did it...and maybe we are idiots, but we were trying to do some good for someone."

Finally, he stopped. Taking a breath and thinking about all of this for a moment, she looked at him...and then decided not to speak. Not tonight. His voice had dwindled to a near whisper as he'd expounded on all this, and now he was breathing steadily...he was falling asleep. Wanting him to at least get a couple of hours in before he had to get up again, she reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "James..."

His eyes flickered open, and she stood and said, "James...come on."

"What?"

"You need to get to bed for a bit...you're exhausted," she insisted, feeling exhausted herself as she leaned down and pulled him up by his arm. He nodded, rubbing his eyes under his glasses, and she kept her hold on his arm as they went up the stairs to the landing where they would go into their separate dorms. Once there, she asked, "Are you going to be alright?"

He looked at her and nodded, then took her face in both of his hands.

"Thank you," he said softly, his voice completely drained of energy but genuine and undisguised in its expression of his utter gratitude. Now that there was nothing else for him to worry about getting done or getting fixed, it was almost as though he was hovering on the edge of a breakdown...she wouldn't have been surprised if he'd burst into tears right then and there. Instead, he Leaned down and he pressed his lips heavily to her cheek. She felt a shiver work its way up her arms despite herself as his chin stubble scratched her jaw, and he didn't pull away.

His breath tickled her face as he sighed tiredly and lowered his forehead to rest against hers, completely exhausted. Beginning to worry that he might fall asleep right then and there, she took a breath to say that he should go up at the same moment he turned his head so that their noses grazed each other. Taking a step closer to her, his hands still on either side of her face, he kissed her gently on the mouth. She didn't pull away...somehow it didn't feel wrong. It had been a grueling couple of hours, and she was as filled with relief to have it over and everyone safe as he was with gratitude and guilt over the entire thing...him giving her a light kiss just didn't feel like an inappropriate expression of all this.

It became clear, however, that they were acting under the fogged judgement of emotional strain as the seconds ticked by and he didn't pull away. When they should have broken it off, James deepened it...and it was soon clear that there was no longer any way to imagine that it was completely platonic. A line had been crossed. She knew she _should_ be pushing him off...not kissing him back. Not becoming swept up in the moment. Certainly not thinking that she could give herself just a few more minutes before she had to wake up and face a reality where this was not acceptable between them. He kissed her deeply, open-mouthed, languidly...and Lily let him. She let him stroke her tongue with his and lost herself in the feel of his breath on her lips until finally, as naturally and unhurriedly as it had begun, it ended. He pulled away and rested his forehead in the crook of her neck as they both worked to breathe normally.

After a few moments, when Lily's heart had slowed a bit from its previously frantic pace, she put her hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head and looked at her, then abruptly closed his eyes, his brows drawn together.

"I'm sorry. _God_..." he began hurriedly, a bit desperately, as though snapping out of a daze.

"No, it's fine," she interrupted him quietly.

"Lily, I'm...I don't know what..."

"James," she assured him sincerely, "Don't worry...you've had enough stress for one night, alright? Just...don't worry about it."

He didn't respond to this in any other way but by swallowing and continuing to shake his head as he brought both hands up to cover his face. Stricken, afraid he was going to start sobbing in his obvious overwhelming frustration and self-loathing, she took his wrists and pulled his hands away from his face so that he'd have to look her in the eye. She didn't want this to become one more thing to chip at his already fragile grip on himself, so she insisted, "Please get some rest...you need it. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

He nodded despondantly, and she asked again, "You'll be alright?"

"Yeah," he replied gruffly.

She gave his arm a squeeze before turning to go up to her own dorm, hoping he wouldn't be playing this over in his mind now along with everything else. He felt guilty about Remus, about Peter and Sirius...and now he didn't need one more thing to hate himself for. She understood his mindset and she was fully aware of what had led up to that kiss, and she knew that he fully regretted it now. Creeping into her dorm and crawling back into bed, Lily ended up thinking about it long and hard before she could even begin to feel settled enough to sleep.

She hadn't wanted it...she didn't think she would do it again. Still, it had felt right at the time. It had been like nothing else she'd ever experienced, like a melding of two people's tension and angst into a physical outpouring of comfort and gratitude...tempered with an unavoidable, if surprising, surge of physical attraction. It had been an experience that could only exist in a moment like that...when she was still half-asleep and he was wracked with guilt, and they'd both been through so much in a mere couple of hours.

Really, it wasn't all that hard to understand...the factors were very clear. As for the physical response she'd felt, she was surprising herself by not feeling all that apprehensive about it. They were closer than they'd ever expected to be to each other. Over the course of the year, they had been through a lot of suffering and shared many of their deepest insecurities and secrets. The fact that, in a moment of vulnerability, they should stumble upon the fact that they just so happened to be members of the opposite sex...it just didn't seem all that unusual to her.

It probably happened all the time...she'd never had a close friend who was a boy before, so she didn't know for sure. All she knew was that it didn't have to change anything if they didn't want it to change.

Finally turning over, unable to keep her eyes open, she just hoped she could convey all this to him when she saw him next.

**To Be Continued in Chapter Eleven**

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower


	12. A Rock and a Hard Place

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean J/L

RATING: PG-13

Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE. **

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: A Rock and a Hard Place**

****

Lily went to breakfast the next morning feeling better than she would have thought after such a horrible night. She supposed it had helped that she'd bothered to think things through before she went to sleep...it made her feel less like a fish out of water, waiting for the next thing to happen or the next confrontation. Her Mum had always told her to sleep on things, but Lily supposed that she was only just now beginning to understand exactly what that meant.

Understanding all this didn't make the prospect of facing James any easier, though. She didn't know what she was going to say, and she knew that he was probably somewhere in the castle killing himself over what had happened between them. She knew as sure as she was sitting there that her unfussy write-off of the whole incident the night before was not going to be enough to ease his conscience, especially after everything else that had been going on.

Pushing her uneaten breakfast away from her, she stood and started to gather her books, resolved to being late to her first lesson so that she could go and see how Remus was doing. She knew she'd find James there, and probably Sirius...at least, she hoped Sirius would be there. If he wasn't, then that meant he'd still be in bed...and that would worry her.

Before she could get up from the table, however, the owls began to flutter in with the morning post. While this would normally not have fazed her, she was halted by the surprise depositing of a white envelope right in front of her, on top of her cold oatmeal. Lily frowned at it, then set her books down again and picked it up...and something that felt like a boulder dropped in her stomach as she recognized the handwriting immediately.

It was a letter from Petunia.

Inexplicably afraid to read its contents, she stalled for a moment by carefully wiping the specks of oatmeal off of the front. Swallowing and glancing up at the ceiling, as though she was expecting something else to drop from the sky, she slid her trembling fingernail into the slot on the side of the envelope and tore it open. Slowly, she unfolded the letter and began to read.

As she walked out of the Great Hall and into the corridor in a kind of sick daze, she stopped short as she caught sight of James. He was leaning against the wall across the way with his arms folded over his chest, and it was obvious that he'd been waiting for her to come out. She could see that he hadn't slept much...his eyes were rimmed with red, his face was pale, and he hadn't shaved or combed his hair. He wasn't wearing his robes, so she could only assume he had no intention of going to class today. Walking over, she offered a strained smile and commented, "You look almost as bad as I probably do."

He shook his head as his eyes roamed her face, then replied, "You look fine."

"Why didn't you just come in and sit down?"

He lifted his shoulders noncommittally and replied, "I'm not hungry."

"Oh," was all she could manage, and then they stood there for an awkward moment before he said, "Look, I have to get back to the hospital, but I had to catch you before you went to class. I had to talk to you."

"How is he?" she asked before he could go on, unconsciously trying to put some kind of verbal distance between this conversation and what was on both their minds, especially now that she had an entirely separate problem plaguing her. He blinked, and then replied,

"Er...which one?"

"Remus...or, I don't know. Sirius, Peter...all of the above?"

"They're...well, Remus is pretty bad. Not so bad that anyone's overly worried...I mean, he's been bad before...but still, I suppose it just seems worse because of the circumstances."

She nodded, and then asked, "And Sirius?"

James managed a small smile. "Fine, of course. He had good help."

"Good," she said, smiling a little at his small compliment, "Keep me updated, will you? I was really worried...and I still am."

He nodded, then after a brief pause he said, "I...also wanted to apologize to you for everything that happened last night."

"James, you don't have to..."

"No...no," he interrupted firmly, and she couldn't help noticing a slight catch in his voice, "I need to say this to you, because thinking about it robbed me of the little sleep I could have had this morning. I...look, I know I put you in a terrible place. Several times, in fact. I dragged you out of your bed and across the grounds, I forced you to participate in something you had nothing to do with, I acted like a bastard for the most part, and then..."

He paused, and she looked down at her shoes as his eyes flicked uncomfortably to hers. There was no small amount of shame in his gaze. He continued, with some difficulty, "Last night, I was just...gutted. I was already grateful for everything you did, and I was thinking about it as I walked back to the castle after I found Wormtail. Then when I walked in and saw that you'd waited up for me…I just...I don't know."

"I know," she agreed, "Believe me, I do."

His eyes snapped up to meet hers, and he seemed to search her face for a moment before he went on with slightly more confidence, "I don't want you to feel like I...expect that. The truth is that I was trying to thank you as sincerely as I could, and...well, that's how it manifested. I'm sorry."

Sighing, she said, "Don't be. I don't regret anything."

He looked at her for a long moment, as though he thought she might be lying but was hoping to God she wasn't. "You don't?"

"No," she replied honestly, "It didn't feel...wrong. I mean, I suppose it wasn't a completely normal thing to do..."

"It felt good," he interrupted quietly, his eyes watching her closely.

"Yes," she conceded, "I...I know. I just..."

She paused, struggling for words and at a complete loss as to what she should say. She felt her face growing hot as flashes from last night assaulted her...his hands on her face, that kiss...but especially the look in his eyes. She didn't really know what he wanted from her anymore...she didn't know what was the right thing to do. She was very confused, and it scared her. Desperate for aid of any kind, she looked up at him imploringly and found him scanning her face, his expression unreadable.

"Look," he finally said, lowering his voice and leaning closer to her so no one else could overhear him, "You don't have to say anything. I didn't really expect you to...I just wanted to make sure you weren't uncomfortable with me now, that's all. Let's just...not let this change anything, alright?"

She smiled only a bit uneasily and nodded. They stood in silence for a moment, and then she said idly, "I should get to class. Are you...?"

"I have to go back up there," he answered her unspoken question, his voice back to normal volume, "I won't be in class at all today. You probably won't see me, unless...you're up late."

She correctly read his silent request, and nodded. "I probably will be. I...want to talk to you about something. Something else."

Frowning slightly, he asked, "Anything wrong?"

She was about to say there wasn't when suddenly, for some reason, she changed her mind and decided to tell him the truth. "Sort of...yeah. I...I'm having a problem. I could use some help, or...just an ear."

Regarding her concernedly but thankfully refraining from commenting further, he merely nodded and said, "Sure. I'll come back to the common room later tonight...we can talk then."

She nodded back, and they looked at each other for a moment before he finally turned away and called over his shoulder, "See you later, then."

"Right...tell Remus I...um...tell him..."

"I'll tell him."

Then with a final wave, she was walking up to her first lesson of the day and feeling as though she would rather be doing almost anything else...but still not able to convince herself to skip it. Sighing as she went up the stairs, she wished that it was night already...she couldn't stand to feel nauseated, and she was going to be feeling it all day, every time she thought about her sister, until she could get it off her chest later on.

As promised, she waited up for James in the common room that night. It was nearly one o'clock by the time he finally made it in, and he looked drawn and pale from lack of sleep.

"Hey," he greeted, practically collapsing into a chair opposite her, and taking his glasses off to rub his face with his hands, "So, what's on your mind?"

She raised an eyebrow, "Other than your health?"

He peeked out at her from behind his fingers, then drew a breath and said, "I'm fine...fatigue never killed anyone. Remus is fine...should be out of hospital in a week or so. Sirius is fine, obviously...so, you said you had something to tell me?"

She hesitated. "You...don't want to talk about...any of that?"

Regarding her earnestly, he replied, "No...not right now. I sort of just...want to forget about it for awhile."

She studied him for a moment until he became slightly uncomfortable and said only half-jokingly, "Besides, I thought that hearing about your problems might take my mind off my own."

She looked down at her hands, a pang of dread hitting her at having to talk about her sister, and replied, "Well...if this doesn't do it, then nothing will...because this is quite a problem."

He frowned slightly and put his glasses back on so that he could see her clearly and sat up in his chair, ready to listen. She told him everything...and when she'd finished speaking he merely stared at her. The only sound in the room for a few moments was the crackling of the fireplace. Finally, he clarified in a tone which sounded more like he was making a statement than asking a question, "So...she wants you to come and live with her?"

"Yes."

He didn't press her...he just sat there, his eyes holding hers with a steady gaze that held a veiled expression. Slowly, he lifted his hand and to rub his eyes under his glasses. After a moment in which she didn't really know how to proceed, he asked, "When would this happen?"

"As soon as I leave Hogwarts."

He shook his head slightly, then blew out a small huff of humorless laughter. "So...I'm guessing she wants you to forget about entering into Auror training afterwards?"

Lily nodded slowly and clarified, "She wants me to forget about everything."

Eyes narrowed, he asked, "What does that mean..._everything_?

"Everything," she repeated, "The wizarding world."

James stared at her incredulously. "How exactly would you do that? You're _part_ of it."

"Well, I wouldn't be anymore if I lived with her. That's the point."

He shook his head again as though struggling to wrap his brain around the notion, then asked, "What did you tell her?"

Lily suddenly felt her palms begin to sweat and her face flush with dread at what she was going to have to say next. Taking a breath, she replied frankly, "I haven't told her anything yet...I don't know what to do, really."

He didn't react immediately...he remained very still, staring at her with his brows furrowed. After a few seconds he blinked and said, "What do you mean, you don't know what to do?"

She opened her mouth to explain her reasoning, but then something about the way he was looking at her made her break down. She buried her face in her hands and whispered frustratedly, "I don't know what to do, I just...everything's so strained and...and confusing..."

"Alright," he said soothingly as he got up from the chair he was sitting in and came over to crouch down easily in front of her, "Alright...calm down. It's okay...you were caught off guard. It's understandable."

"If I tell her no, I won't do it, then she simply won't talk to me even again."

He heaved a sigh and scanned her face. "Well...that doesn't sound like something you can change, Lily. That's on _her_, not you."

"I know...you're right, but...how can I just turn away from her, James? She's the only family I have left."

"Even so, think of the alternative," he responded quietly, "You've worked so hard for this...to have this opportunity to get involved. You've told me a million times that it was all you wanted to be doing, fighting against the Deatheaters...and going with your sister would mean the end of it."

"I know, but...I want so _badly_ to reconcile with her, too. In spite of everything that's happened, she wrote to _me_. It makes me believe that she wants to fix what's wrong."

"She's making you feel like _you're_ the one who should be bending over backwards to make amends...it's not right, Lily."

She stared at him for a moment, and then swallowed and covered her mouth with her hand as she struggled with herself. "Maybe from your point of view, but from hers...oh, I just don't know what to do."

"Just be honest with yourself," he urged, his voice measured and calm, "Do you _want_ to give it all up for her?"

She thought about this for a long moment. Finally, she answered slowly, "I wanted to do this training more than anything I've ever wanted in my life...because of what happened to my parents. I wanted to avenge them in any way I could, and I felt that it would be the only way I had to keep them close to me. I don't know, I can't...I can't explain it very well. I just know that when Petunia walked through that door, I started thinking about what my parents would really have wanted me to do if they were gone...and reconciling with my sister would unquestionably win over avenging their deaths and possibly getting myself killed in the process."

He stared at her for a moment, then blew out a breath and said earnestly, "Lily, I didn't know your parents. I wish I could have, but unfortunately the only way I know them is through you. Based on what you've told me about them, I can't help but think that if they were here, they wouldn't want this. I don't care how much they would have wanted to see you two reconciled...they wouldn't want you to give up your ambitions for the future."

She looked at him for a long moment...and then something inside her began to settle. The churning in her stomach subsided, and she suddenly realized that she'd made a decision.

"You're right," she said, her voice coming out evenly now, "You're right, James. I can't possibly do what she's asking me to do...and she's wrong to ask it in the first place."

He nodded, but didn't say anything more on the subject. She had the feeling that he had a few choice words to say about her sister, but was not saying them out of respect for Lily. She was very grateful for that...it had always made her so uncomfortable when Arabella used to badmouth Petunia. At the thought of Arabella, Lily couldn't help smiling and raising an eyebrow. James' brows furrowed and he demanded lightly,

"What?"

"Nothing, I...it's just a good thing that Bella isn't here to know about this."

James seemed completely bewildered. "Why?"

"Because," Lily explained sarcastically, "She might have insisted on writing the response letter herself...and then I'd have the police coming after me for making death threats."

He grinned at this, then shot her a look and said, "Well, did you want me to go ahead with the threatening letters in Arabella's place? I'd be happy to..."

"No!" she said, holding out a hand, and then sobered as she finished, "No...I have to write to her myself. I just have to think for a couple of days on what in the world to say...this may be the last contact we ever have."

James' smile faded as he looked at her, and then he said, "I'm sorry...I shouldn't joke about it. I know it's hard for you."

"No, no," she waved away his apology and smiled at him again, "It's fine...you always make me feel better."

James gazed warmly at her after she'd said this. "I like making you feel better, so...don't thank me."

"I didn't."

They both laughed quietly, and then he said he was going to go to bed and leave her to her thoughts. She remembered then that he hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours. "Go on, then...and for God's sake, don't fall on the stairs. I don't want to have to fill out an accident report for McGonagall."

He quirked a brow at her and patted her on the head as he walked past. "Down, Head Girl."

She swatted his hand away from her and bid him goodnight. After he'd gone, she sat and watched the flames in the fireplace dance. She thought about what she wanted to say to Petunia, how she was going to tell her of her decision...and if there was any way she could do it and still leave the door open for her sister to contact her again in the future if the notion struck her. After three hours of contemplation and debate with herself, she decided that she might as well just write what was in her heart and in her mind while it was fresh and not worry about how her sister would take it.

It was all she really could do, otherwise she'd drive herself crazy. Wearily, she went to one of the tables and sat down to do it before she could second-guess herself. When it was finished, she folded it up and stuck it inside one of her textbooks...she'd send it off before breakfast the following morning. Trudging off to bed, she decided she needed sleep badly if she was going to be able to get through the day tomorrow. Lately, it seemed as though everything that happened was even more stressful than usual.

Whatever they had come to expect from the training class that they had all been attending in the evenings with Dumbledore for the past several months, nothing could have prepared them for the announcement he made that night after they'd settled into their seats. The stunned silence that pervaded inside the circular classroom was almost stifling. Lily watched the headmaster's eyes roam across their faces, gauging their reactions while simultaneously and wordlessly telling them that this was no exaggeration...it was not some kind of test, no matter how much they may have wished it were.

Finally, someone cleared their throat and asked, "_All_ of them? They're all gone?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, Mr. Clemens. They are all gone...and their whereabouts are as yet unknown."

Another silence followed this, and Lily's throat felt so dry that she was finding it hard to swallow. She knew she had to ask, though...she had to ask the question that was on everyone's minds but that everyone was afraid to ask...they were afraid of the answer. Raising her hand in the air to get his attention, she asked Dumbledore, "But, sir...what about the Dementors?"

Dumbledore lifted his chin a bit and fixed his somber blue gaze on her as he replied, "They are unaccounted for at the present time."

The silence then broke into a melee of stunned gasps and angry murmurs as people realized exactly what was happening. Lily felt sick...the Dementors were treacherous, just as Dumbledore and other Ministry officials had long suspected. There had been a breakout at Azkaban...and they had allowed it to happen. She shuddered at the thought of the ramifications of this. James spoke now, having been uncharacteristically silent up until that point,

"What does this mean?"

Everyone quieted to hear Dumbledore's response. "It means, Mr. Potter, that this phenomenon has suddenly exploded into a situation more serious than anyone could have imagined. It means that the leader of this rebellion – who now calls himself Voldemort – has somehow acquired authority and power beyond anyone's darkest nightmares. It means that the Ministry, which has been acting with discretion up until this moment to avoid mass panic, must now strike back with everything they have. In short, it means we are now at the beginning of a war."

If Lily had harbored any doubts before this that a silence could be classified as being loud, she had them negated by the sheer volume of the silence that followed these words. No one moved for what seemed like minutes, and then slowly people started turning their heads and glancing at each other as though wanting for some sort of comfort. Lily averted her eyes from the front of the room and sought only one person...and found his hazel eyes looking right back at her, his black brows furrowed. After letting it sink in, Dumbledore continued,

"Incidentally, what was meant to be a particularly difficult assignment has become a makeshift exam, and it constitutes the final test of your abilities," Lily knew he was talking about the potion, and before she could even wonder about it, the headmaster revealed, "I think you should all know that you have each successfully brewed the Veritaserum potion."

Her jaw dropped as a hushed murmur went through the room...Veritaserum? That was, without a doubt, one of the most complex and tempermental potions to mix...she could hardly believe that they had been in the process of doing it for months without her having caught on. Then again, she reasoned, the recipe wasn't one that you'd find in most potion books. It was strictly guarded, and for good reason...because of its potency, it could be used for many things, not all of them appropriate. Just as she was getting over this, Dumbledore continued,

"The brutal fact is that, in light of the most recent attacks on both Muggle and wizarding homes and now the Azkaban breakout, it has become clear that the Ministry of Magic is simply not equipped to handle a threat of this magnitude. The Auror division, in particularly, is woefully understaffed. They are in need of as much help as is available...and I have proudly informed the Minister of the immense talent I have been fostering in this class for months. I am confident that there is not a single one of you who lacks the potential to make first-class Aurors in your own right. "

Everyone was holding their breath as Dumbledore finished, "It will be difficult, and it would require you to leave school and begin your formal training immediately. You have received as good a foundation as any in this class, and I assure you that your academic credentials will not suffer. However...you all must make your decisions tonight. As I stated earlier, this is no longer a threat...it is a reality. We must fight back, and the more we wait the stronger they become."

Lily looked over and met James' eyes...they silently agreed to do it, as if there was any doubt that they would. She felt somehow better that he was going to be going through it with her. As it turned out, there wasn't a single member of their little order that didn't stand up to sign their names to the parchment Dumbledore had laid on his desk...and the pride their headmaster felt in all of them shone in his still-somber eyes as they committed themselves to service.

Lily leaned against the front desk in the library a couple of hours later, still lost in her own thoughts but now a bit numb to the constant churning of her stomach. She had, of course, signed her name on the list of students Dumbledore was going to send along to the Ministry for Auror training...in fact, she was alternately excited and scared out of her wits by it.

This was it...the opportunity she'd been waiting for to do something. She hadn't even dreamed that it would some so soon, and she was working to push aside the nervousness she felt at the way it had to be done…but she knew that there was nothing in the world that could convince her to let herself be left behind.

"Miss Evans?"

Lily blinked and looked up at the librarian, who was regarding her closely. "Are those the only ones?"

"Sorry?"

"The only ones you have to return?"

"Oh," Lily replied, giving her head a shake and smiling wryly at herself, "Yes...sorry, I was..."

"It's alright," the older woman smiled, "We all have our days, don't we?"

Lily nodded, wondering how many 'days' she would have before she felt normal again. Perhaps this was the end of normalcy as she knew it, she thought, trying not to be too disturbed by this. After all, things change...life was all about change. She'd learned this the hard way during the past year, and if she'd survived so far she should be more than strong enough to face this.

At least, that was what she hoped.

When she finally got back to the portrait hole, she gave the Fat Lady the password and wondered numbly whether that would be the last time she'd have to do that. She couldn't believe everything was happening so fast, and she wished for the thousandth time that day that Arabella wasn't gone. She could really use a chat with her about everything...and it would surely make her feel much more comfortable with the idea of leaving Hogwarts behind.

Stepping into the common room, she wasn't surprised to find it almost completely deserted... except for the three Marauders sleeping in the chairs closest to the fire. Smiling warmly, Lily made her way over to them and stopped in front of James. She stood there silently for a moment, watching the firelight reflecting in his glasses and thinking that it was a good thing she had him in the absence of Arabella. After a moment, she leaned down and whispered his name...he didn't even stir.

"James," she said in a hushed voice as she put her hand on his shoulder and shook him lightly, "James...wake up, it's late."

He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her blearily. "Hmm?"

"It's late," she repeated, "Why don't you go on up?"

He frowned and looked at his watch, then brought his hand up to pull his glasses off and rub his eyes. He looked as though he was about to go back to sleep, and so she slid her hand down to his arm and gave it a pull. His hand came up to grasp her forearm as he opened his eyes again and blinked.

"What?" he asked, disoriented.

Laughing, she replied, "Come on, James...stand up. You have to go to bed...you're exhausted."

He shook his head and protested, "I wanted to talk to you first. That's why I waited up."

Lily smiled and assured him, "We'll talk tomorrow...on the train. You need some sleep. Come on."

Finally, he relented and stood, looking less than happy about the idea of trudging up an entire flight of stairs. Glancing over, he caught sight of the other two...Peter was snoring softly. Sighing, James walked over and gave Sirius' foot a light kick. He jerked awake, looking grumpy.

"What?" he demanded.

"Come on, you lot," James replied, swatting Peter on the shoulder, "Let's go. Mother's sending us to bed."

He threw Lily a wink as he said it, and she rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She watched as the other two stumbled off to bed, and then she went ahead of James up the stairs. When they got to the point where the staircases diverged to their separate dorms, he turned to her and said, "I'll wait for you tomorrow."

"I think we're all going together, anyway."

"I mean, in the common room...we can walk down together."

She nodded and bid him goodnight, then turned and went upstairs, wondering how she was ever going to get to sleep that night...and if she'd ever sleep again. When she got to the dorm she changed into her pajamas...and then stared at her bed for a moment, finally allowing herself to seriously consider the implications of everything that had happened. The panic that had been threatening to surface in her mind ever since she walked out of Dumbledore's classroom was welling up in her throat, and she clasped her shaking hands together as she sat gingerly on the edge of her bed and stared into the darkness.

Part of her was still having a hard time accepting the idea that this was real...that it was more than just another class or another challenge that had to do with school. This was the real world finally exploding into her life...and now that it was here, she didn't quite know how to react. The following day she would be on a train, heading towards the next chapter in her life, and for the first time she had no idea what it would involve...or who would be there with her.

Giving into temptation, Lily spun around and padded softly back down to the common room. She knew it was a hopeless cause and it would probably just make her look desperate, but...she couldn't just leave and have Petunia wondering where she was, just in case her sister ever wanted to contact her for anything. Sitting down at one of the tables, she pulled from her pocket the note she'd written to herself that morning to remind her to return her books to the library. Turning it over, she grabbed a quill and scribbled a note to Petunia. It was brief and to the point...but at least it was something.

Sighing as she closed her eyes, Lily conceded the full truth to herself...that she still held a tiny speck of hope that Petunia would be inspired, that the desperation of the situation would make her want to at least write and say goodbye. The hope was small, however...and Lily knew it was futile. Rolling her eyes at her own foolishness, she put the note back in her pocket and walked slowly to the portrait hole.

She wanted to deliver it now...and get it out of her mind.

The following afternoon, Lily gazed dazedly at her glass of water. She was only listening with half her attention to what James was saying as the group of students – now aurors-in-training – from Dumbledore's class sat around a table in the Leaky Cauldron. The other half of her brain was trying to process everything that had happened already over the course of the day. She had met James in the common room as promised at half past six, and they'd gone down to breakfast together. They all only had a short time to eat before Dumbledore came for them and led them onto the early train bound for London. It was a strange experience, taking the Hogwarts Express under these circumstances...the train was practically empty. The ride had been nearly silent, each of them lost in their own musings. It was a bleak, gray day.

When they arrived in London, Dumbledore had informed them that he needed to finalize their placement with the Ministry, and that he would return later that evening after he'd spoken to the appropriate people and acquired each of their assignments. He made it clear also that while it wasn't yet too late to back out...now was the time. No one seemed to be considering it...then again, they had barely spoken to each other until this moment.

"They should have asked for help a long time ago," James broke into her thoughts, swishing the butterbeer around in his glass and frowning down at the froth it was making. Lily suspected that he was wishing it was firewhiskey instead.

"What do you mean? Why?" Tim asked, his eyebrows raised, and James leaned back in his chair as he replied,

"It's obvious. I mean, those dementors...I can't see how they wouldn't have assumed they'd cause trouble eventually. Damned unpredictable creatures...and they're the choice of the Ministry for guarding Azkaban? I never understood it, and now look how it ended up...in a breakout."

Raising her eyes from her glass, Lily had her mouth open to agree with him when suddenly she noticed someone standing by the door looking extremely uncomfortable and out of place as she watched them. A mere moment of blankness assaulted Lily before she was hit with a rush of sickening yet somehow euphoric recognition.

It was Petunia.

For an eternity, they just stared at each other across the room. Then Petunia took a small step forward, her hands gripping her bag as though holding onto it for dear life. Lily just sat there, unable to breathe or to take her eyes from her sister. She had imagined a million times what she would do and say if she ever saw Petunia again, and crying had not been one of them...yet that was precisely what she felt like doing. She could see more acutely the amount of time that had passed since she'd last seen Petunia magnified on her older sister's face. She didn't look a mere year older...she looked like she'd aged ten. There were deep stress-induced lines on her face, bags forming under her eyes, she was pale...and gaunt. If Petunia was tall and thin before, she was even more so now...unhealthily so. It pained Lily to see it...she knew the reasons only too well.

After a long silence in which they did nothing but study each other, her sister broke eye contact. Petunia was stiff as she eyed the others, who were totally unaware of anything strange happening...except for James. He sat in sober silence, watching the exchange. Their eyes locked, and for a moment they assessed each other...Petunia didn't know James, but she could see that he knew who she was...even though he'd never laid eyes on her before. Raising her chin slightly, she seemed to defy his curiosity.

Finally, Lily stood and, walking over to face the only family she had left in the world, she suggested in a surprisingly strong voice, "Let's go and have a coffee."

Petunia nodded, and Lily led the way out of the Leaky Cauldron and into the busy London street. Less than a block away was the little coffee shop she had been to many times with her parents before they'd dropped her at school, and she turned into it automatically. Quickly finding a table in the corner, they both sat down. Petunia avoided eye contact, and not much was said for a few minutes until their coffee came. Lily didn't touch hers. Finally, Petunia pulled a newspaper out of her bag and set it down in front of Lily. Lily glanced down at it...it was open to the real estate section.

Looking up, she asked quietly, "Are you moving?"

Petunia's voice was flat as she replied, "I'm married now...we want a house."

At this, a stab of pain assaulted Lily...she hadn't even met the man her sister had married. Feeling her brows draw together and her throat start to burn, she asked more brokenly than she'd intended, "Why did you come here?"

Petunia's expression didn't change. "You wrote to _me_."

"You wrote me first. And anyway, why didn't you go to the trouble of meeting me when I wrote to you before, all those months ago? Didn't you get that letter?"

"I got it."

A strong wave of disappointment overtook her. She'd secretly been holding out hope that Petunia simply hadn't received the letter asking her to come to their parent's gravesite. Now she knew beyond a doubt...she'd gotten it, and she'd ignored it. Petunia leaned forward and continued, "There are some things I have to say to you."

"What makes you think I feel like listening?" Lily snapped, all the rage that she'd suppressed all year forcing its way out of her. She'd prayed and wished that the day would come when Petunia would answer her pleas for any kind of contact and the last thing she wanted to do was to ruin this, but it appeared her emotions had a will of their own.

"You didn't have to come here," Petunia spat back coldly.

"You don't know _why_ I came here with you."

"It doesn't matter...you're here. Anyway, I think you owe me this much."

"What?" Lily replied in angry disbelief, "I owe _you_? How could you possibly believe that I owe you _anything_?"

There was an almost imperceptible tremor in Petunia's voice as she answered, "After everything you've put me through this year...Mum and Dad, the house..."

"What exactly do you think _I've_ been doing? Having a jolly time alone at my bloody school while you plan our parents' funeral without so much as _consulting_ me?"

"I wanted it to be over and done with as soon as possible."

"Well, that's lovely, thanks. And anyway, how exactly have _I_ been responsible for any of this?"

Petunia leaned back in her chair and looked Lily in the eye. "This whole thing was related to that ridiculous place. If you weren't mixed up with these freaks, none of this would have happened."

"Oh, yes it would have," Lily shot back, using her anger to cover the pressure of the weight of guilt and sorrow now bearing down on her, "It was a random attack."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"Look, you don't know anything about the world I live in, so don't pretend that you're speaking with any kind of authority on the subject."

"I don't _want_ to know anything about that world...that world nearly ruined my life. If it hadn't been for Vernon...God, I would have had no one."

Lily met her sister's eyes, unable to mask the pain radiating from her own. "You would still have had me."

Petunia shook her head, and Lily pressed on, "I tried so hard to...to connect with you. I needed...I needed to hear from you..."

To Lily's horror, she was starting to get choked up...and to her shock, she could see Petunia's eyes starting to well up along with her own. In a remarkably calm voice, Petunia explained, "I was angry...I didn't want to have anything to do with you again if it meant being brought into contact with... you have no idea what it was like, you weren't there. I...I was out. I was with Vernon's sister, talking about the wedding, and I hate her...I was so anxious to get home and complain to Mum. I ended up staying late and she couldn't drive me home – she was drunk - so I had to walk. As I got close, I knew something had happened. I could see smoke...and there were people shouting. I turned the corner and saw that half the block was gone."

Lily cringed and slammed her eyes shut...she wasn't sure she wanted to hear this, but she knew she must listen. Petunia was right about this, at least...she hadn't been forced to _see_ it. She had to allow her to continue.

"I ran the rest of the way, praying...I..."

She paused, attempting to regain control of herself. Finally, she went on, "It was gone. The house...only one wall was left. The back of the kitchen...some of the furniture was there, charred and scattered around. That was how I salvaged the things I sent you."

Lily managed, "Mum and Dad?"

Petunia shook her head. "I never saw them. I didn't want to. Some men ran up to me and started telling me that everything was under control...I asked what happened, was it a fire? They just kept repeating themselves, and then one of them pulled one of those bloody awful things out."

"What?"

Petunia seemed to have difficulty saying it as she replied, "A...wand."

"To modify your memory," Lily said, and Petunia shrugged.

"I don't know...I suppose. They stopped when I started screaming...I was going on about how it's your fault, you and that crazy old man who runs your school. They put their wands down, and another man came over...he told me they were dead. I...don't remember what happened after that. I must have fainted...next thing I knew, I woke up with Vernon there...and I had to tell him. I had to. I felt...betrayed, and totally alone."

Lily gazed across the table at her sister, and suddenly she couldn't sustain the anger anymore...she felt relief. She felt like she was holding onto something precious, having her sister – her flesh and blood – sitting across from her. She'd wished for it all year, and now it was real. Sighing, she said softly, "I'm sorry. I...I knew you blamed me, and I understand. I blamed myself as well."

Petunia looked up. "You did?"

Nodding, Lily said, "I felt alone, too.

Petunia stared at her for a long moment, then she said, "I'm sorry I went ahead with the arrangements without you."

It wasn't much and it was spoken in a fairly monotone voice, but to Lily it was an olive branch. Not really knowing how to proceed, she asked, "Why did you come here?"

Petunia's eyes changed...became determined. "I got your letter and I wanted to talk to you in person...about changing your mind."

"Petunia..." Lily began wearily, but Petunia would not be silenced.

"How can you still live among them? In that world...with those people."

Lily felt herself losing her grip on the olive branch. "You mean magical people? I _am_ one of them, Petunia."

"No," Petunia interrupted, surprisingly vitriolic, "You're _not_, really. You _never_ were...you weren't born there. Your family isn't...that's why I wrote you that letter. That's why I made you the offer."

"But..."

"You don't _belong_ there. You have responsibilities," Petunia leaned forward again in her chair, the color in her face making her look more like the Petunia Lily had known as a girl. "You shouldn't be there. You still have the chance to be normal. I...look, I don't know if I can ever forgive the fact that it was those...those _people_ that killed Mum and Dad. I don't understand the reasons, but...I just don't think they'd want it to be like this."

"Who?"

"Mum and Dad. What do you think they'd say if they knew we haven't spoken in months? If they thought you were just going to ignore everything that's happened and continue on in that place?"

"I'm not ignoring anything! There are things that I'm doing...things that you wouldn't know about. There are a lot of people who want to fight, Petunia. There are good and bad forms of magic..."

"Fight? For what? We were fine before we ever knew it existed...that _magic_ rubbish!"

"Listen, even if I had never gone to Hogwarts and I wasn't magical and everything you're saying is true...the town would still have been attacked! I keep telling you, it has nothing to do with me!"

"No," Petunia countered coldly, "It has nothing to do with _me_...and yet I'm forced to suffer the consequences. People like me...like Mum and Dad...have their houses destroyed, and their families don't even get to know the truth about what happened to them. No one is allowed to be let in on this big secret...but it's alright if we all get burned alive..."

"Stop it, Petunia."

"It's the _truth_. Do you honestly think you can make any kind of difference? That you can contribute anything that's going to turn the tide of this...whatever it is?"

"Maybe not now...I don't know. One day maybe I could..."

"Come off it."

"What do you _want_?" Lily asked desperately, wanting to get up and run out.

"Lily...no matter what we feel about each other, the fact remains that we're sisters. I think about Mum and Dad every minute of every day...and it always leads me around to the same thing, that they'd be horrified if we never spoke to each other again. I think we owe it to them. And perhaps...I don't know, perhaps we owe it to ourselves. We're the only ones who share the experience...of Mum and Dad, and of this thing that happened."

"I've only ever wanted that exact thing, Petunia," Lily replied wearily, "Why are you acting like you're talking me into something? You're the one who's been throwing the wrench in the works."

"My attitudes haven't changed about _everything_," she said bluntly, "I don't want any more contact with that world. It's like I said in the letter...I want it out of my life for good. You have to choose."

"I can't..."

"Not that it's really much of a choice. You are choosing either to _have_ a future or not."

Lily's head snapped up at this, and she began to feel dread in the pit of her stomach. "What?"

"If you want to pick up where we left off," Petunia said, her voice carrying a note of gentleness to it that Lily hadn't heard in a long time, "Then it has to be a complete effort. I...I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss...having a sister."

Lily met her eyes, and for a split second, the veils of resentment and misunderstanding that had been hung one by one over the course of seven years were lifted and all that remained were two sisters, a shared childhood...and a shared pain.

Petunia continued, "Vernon said it would be alright if you stayed with us for awhile...we should have a house by the time you finish at that place."

"Petunia..."

"Where are you going to go after you finish with this...this stupid program?" Petunia spat, her voice even carrying a hint of desperation, "You don't have Mum and Dad anymore, and if you turn your back now then you won't have me either. Who will you have? Who can you depend on if not your family?"

Lily opened her mouth, and then closed it again. "I have friends, alright? Great friends..."

Petunia snorted, "Like that Arabella? Where is she now? I didn't see her with you back at that pub."

"Don't talk about her, Petunia."

"No one will have you at the top of their list of priorities, Lily."

"I can't leave...my life. I have responsibilities..."

"You have a responsibility to honor Mum and Dad in death."

"But...but my training...I _wanted_ to do this, for myself..."

"Oh, come off it, Lily!" Petunia implored, leaning forward, "I don't even understand what this training is supposed to be about, but if it's as dangerous as you make it sound...well, do you really think Mum and Dad would want you involved?"

"They...they'd support me..." Lily replied, but her resolve was faltering. Petunia sensed this, and pressed on,

"Besides, what about your responsibility to _me_? All we have left is each other, in a lot of ways. If you give that up, then...well, what have you got left? Tell me _that_!"

"I don't know," Lily whispered, defeated, "I don't know...oh, Petunia, please...don't make me do this."

"I'm not making you do anything," Petunia said, leaning back in her chair and speaking so quietly that Lily would almost swear that she was completely sincere, "You have a choice, technically. If that freak school of yours is more important to you than this...then by all means, go and live in it. But that'll be the last time you hear from me, do you understand?"

Lily felt as though she'd walked into a nightmare, and she almost wished that Petunia had never come. At least then she wouldn't be faced with this decision...this horrible, impossible decision. She rubbed her forehead with her palms and then looked up at her sister. Petunia stared at her for a moment, and then Lily saw her lip start to tremble slightly.

"Lily," she whispered, her eyes shining with emotion in a way Lily had never thought to see them again, "Please. Don't make me cut you out of our lives."

Sitting there, staring at her sister, Lily knew she had to give an answer...and so she gave the one that was safest for the moment. She could think about it later, when she was by herself.

"Alright...fine. I'll come and live with you."

Petunia's face relaxed into an expression of absolute relief...and then she composed herself. Sitting up straight and snatching the newspaper up from the table, she replied, "Good...I was hoping you'd make the right decision. We can still catch the 7:45 train back to Surrey."

"What?"

"We have to hurry, though."

"Petunia!" Lily protested, horrified, "I can't come with you right this _minute_! I have to finish school!"

"You only just said you were willing to give up all that rubbish!"

"Yes, but...I _have_ to finish at Hogwarts. Otherwise I'll have no qualifications and I'm not throwing away the past seven years of my life...there's only a few weeks left, and I'm finishing. You have to compromise, Petunia...you have to allow me that at least."

Petunia considered her for a moment before conceding irately, "Fine...I'll be here to get you when the term is over. But that's it, do you understand? No more of this nonsense after that."

"Fine," Lily agreed, wanting nothing more than to get away from her so that she could think.

"Right...well...I still need to catch that train, so..."

"Alright," Lily said, standing up along with her sister, "I'll see you in about a month."

With a final nod and no further formalities, Petunia left the café...and Lily stood numbly for only a few moments before she followed suit. As she walked down the street, hugging her middle, she could hear bustle everywhere that somehow seemed so far away. She could hear the vendors selling their produce, and the chattering and pacing of the people going to and fro. She wished she could be a part of it, that she had nothing more to think about than the excitement of her future. She felt isolated, and she couldn't deny the fact that she was doubting herself...she felt she'd done the right thing in agreeing to Petunia's terms, but a huge part of her was screaming that it was all wrong.

Finally she found herself at the door to The Leaky Cauldron. She stopped for a moment to let a couple of people by her as they went out into the spring evening, laughing, their arms around each other. This made her somehow uncomfortable, and she slid past them into the dimly lit pub. The first thing she saw when she walked through the door was James...he was sitting there, waiting for her. As soon as she met his eyes he stood up and walked over to her, his brows furrowed.

"What happened?"

She shook her head and glanced at the people sitting at the nearest table, who weren't paying any attention to them. Still, she had an overwhelming desire to get away from everyone else...to just be alone with him, to tell him everything.

"Lily?" he said, ducking his head slightly so he could try and look her in the face.

"Can we go somewhere?"

He leaned closer and asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Let's...let's just go upstairs. Where it's quiet."

"Your room?"

"Yes."

He nodded, then took her hand in his and led her out of the noisy, crowded pub and up the stairs. She didn't see anyone else from the program...she assumed they were all upstairs writing their last letters to their families. Sighing, she brought her free hand to her eyes to brush away the tears that had suddenly welled up. James led them to her room and closed the door quietly behind him after they were inside. Turning, he looked at her just as she felt the lump in her throat swell to ten times its previous size. Something about the move from a chaotic setting to a private one seemed to be making her turmoil worse. Squeezing her eyes shut and willing the tears to stay inside, she felt his hands grasp her face and tilt her head up.

"What happened?" he asked again, this time in a pained voice as he brushed at the wetness on her face with his thumbs. She pulled her face out of his grasp in frustration and pinned him with her eyes.

"Where are we going to be in two years, James?"

"What?" he frowned, obviously taken aback.

Sighing, she explained, "You know as well as I do that the future is more uncertain now than it's ever been, for everyone...but at least other people have _some_ constants in their lives. What if I enter into training now and lose touch with everyone by the time it's finished? I won't even have a family to go home to after it's all over. I'll be completely alone."

He sighed and shook his head, "No, you won't."

"How do you _know_?" she asked, pinning him with her eyes, wishing he could wash her worry away but knowing it was impossible.

"I just know. It's not going to happen."

Shaking her head, she said, "You can't make promises like that, James. You heard what Dumbledore said...there's such a shortage of qualified aurors that the likelihood of any of us being assigned together is nonexistent."

"So what?" he asked, but she could hear the uncertainty creeping into his voice, and it did nothing but confirm her fears.

"My point is, no one knows where they'll be in two years. We won't be allowed to write to each other in between...it's forbidden, because of the security risk."

"Lily," he said quietly, the slightest hint of frustration now lacing his voice, "Why can't you show even the smallest amount of trust in the people who care about you? Even if I didn't get to know Arabella Figg as well as I could have, anyone could see that you two were as close as sisters. Don't you know that she would track you down when it was over, that she would find you...or that _I_ would, after how far we've come together this year?"

"James," she protested softly, touched but nevertheless unable to bargain her entire life on a mere probability, "I couldn't expect either of you to do that...to commit to something like that. Everyone has their own lives to lead, and we'll all have taken completely different paths by then. At least with Petunia, there's a tie..."

"Sorry?"

"A _blood_ tie, and she made it clear to me today that she wants to keep it intact."

He stood and stared at her for what seemed like a long time. She could see that his face had changed, as though his mind was working hard on something...there was a strange look in his eyes. At last, he suggested, "Look, there are other ways of guaranteeing stability, if that's what it would take to make you feel better about everything."

"Like what? What do you mean?"

He considered her for a moment before replying, "Do you remember Frank and Alice Longbottom?"

"Of course I remember them...I knew Frank very well when he was Head Boy."

"Well, there you go. They got married so they wouldn't have to be separated," he noted, and Lily stared at him for a moment before he continued matter-of-factly, "People do it all the time."

She blinked, sure that she must be hearing wrong. "_What_?"

"It's a solution...a means to an end," he went on a bit more eagerly as the idea really started to formulate in his mind, his eyes alight with urgency as he presented it to her, "Think about it...it would ensure that we could be assigned together and you wouldn't have to worry about being alone, or losing contact with everyone. It's just a bit of insurance, that's all."

"That's _all_? You can't be serious!" she burst out, standing up. He held out his hands and took a step forward, his eyes alight with confidence at his own genius and his growing enthusiasm for his plan, and retorted,

"Look, what have we got to lose? Really, it works out better for everyone."

Lily was so flabbergasted that she didn't quite know what to say...half of her brain screamed that he had to be taking the mickey out of her, but then she realized that he couldn't be. The conversation they'd been having would make a joke like this completely inappropriate and unfathomably mean...and she knew he wouldn't do that to her. Still, that left one other possibility...that he was serious about this, and that was even harder to accept.

"James...you've completely lost your mind! I can't _believe_ you're considering this as a plausible solution..."

"It _is_ a plausible solution. Just think about it."

"_Think_ about it?" she repeated, "I don't even think _you've_ done that!"

"I suggested it, didn't I?" he smiled wryly at her, trying to lighten the conversation, but she refused to be patronized and replied,

"This isn't a joke, James. You're being rash, and you don't seem to have any notion of what your proposition would mean," she said firmly, on the verge of being angry at him but not quite there yet, "Look, I...I appreciate the gesture, James, but...even if we did this, and got assigned together, we'd have to put up a front. It wouldn't just be a piece of paper we'd sign and then it'd be over with...it's not that simple. We'd have to actually make it look real...we'd have to _live_ together and all."

"Yeah, and that's not much different from how it is now, actually. We've practically been living together for the past seven years."

"It's different and you know it! More different than I think you realize."

"It wouldn't have to be," he assured her, his voice back to being measured as he toned down his excitement and attempted to convince her, "We know each other well enough now, don't we? After everything? I should think we trust each other enough to know that there wouldn't be any...expectations, or anything."

He averted his eyes momentarily as he finished his sentence, and she blushed heavily at the implications of that. Nevertheless, she trudged on defiantly, "And what about afterwards?"

"Afterwards?"

"After the two years of training are up, then what?"

"Lily, this isn't something I'm just spouting to make you feel better. The truth is, I...that night I found you crying in the common room, all I could feel was the overwhelming need to just _be_ there for you. I'd never felt like that before...I _wanted_ you to cry on my shoulder. I wanted to take care of you...you'd never asked for help, especially not from me, but I _wanted_ to be the one to give you what you needed. That was the first time I admitted to myself that I had feelings for you that went beyond mere respect...the first time I really thought I'd like to be your friend."

It was probably the most unabashed he'd ever been with her. She tried to process it all, tried to keep up with what he was telling her, but it was all becoming jumbled in her racing mind and even as she was touched, she only grew more confused. He went on determinedly,

"Have you ever known me to run away from something when it gets difficult? I don't do that. If it's something I feel strongly about, I stick to it. I fight for it...and I don't know what else to say to you except that I've never felt such a motivation to succeed as I do with you. I don't really know why...maybe it's because you're one of the most honest and courageous people I've ever known, and I care a lot about you. I consider myself lucky to have you, and I'm not going to just walk away. I don't know where you got the idea that I would, but...it's not going to happen. Training or no."

Lily turned to face him and met his eyes as she began to comprehend his meaning...he was trying to tell her that he wouldn't be suggesting that they do this if he hated the general idea of being bound to her in whatever capacity this would mean. She had gotten to know James very well over the course of the past year, and she knew what he was trying to say without his having to spell it out directly...that he wouldn't mind being with her, even after the training was over and done with...that he was willing to settle with her.

This touched her more than anything else he could have said and, standing there and looking at him, she couldn't bear to flat-out refuse to go along with it. She had to have some time to figure out a way to tell him...some way to explain to him that this wasn't something that she could simply do, and that he was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps he was right...perhaps some people could. Just not her. Shaking now with nerves and emotion, she took a breath and said, "That's probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me...ever."

He didn't respond...he merely stood there watching her closely, his eyes soft but intense. She went on, "I need a minute alone...to think. I just have to..."

"It's okay," he nodded, "I understand...you've been hit with a lot today. I was planning on going downstairs to eat something before Dumbledore comes back, anyway. Do you want me to bring something back up for you?"

She shook her head, and he hesitated a moment before telling her, "Well...that's where I'll be when you need me, alright?"

Lily nodded back, and he gave her a small smile before turning and walking out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. She stood there staring at it for a moment, then went over to sit on the bed. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap, she stared around the room not knowing exactly what she was looking for...and then her face crumpled and she lowered it into her hands, sobbing.

An hour later, after she'd cried and agonized her way into the darkest corner of her mind, she walked slowly down the stairs that led to the pub area. The light was dim and she could hear a lot of chatter and laughter...she almost turned right back around and went upstairs. She still didn't know what she was going to say to him. She'd spent the hour wishing with a desperation that she'd never felt before that she could talk to Arabella, cursing both Petunia and James for making her so miserable...and then finally begging and pleading with her parents for some kind of guidance from above. It didn't come...and the worst of it was that there was a moment in which she'd actually seriously considered accepting James' offer. It had frightened her so much she'd left the room and come down to find him...she didn't want to be alone anymore. It was as though her own mind was working against her, and something about the room's silence, which had been so appealing to her a few hours ago, suddenly became oppressive and frightening.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs she lingered there, her eyes scanning the crowd for James. She spotted a couple of the other students in their group first, and James was sitting with them. She didn't know why, but something about the way they looked stopped her from proceeding towards them. They were all talking boisterously, full of excitement at the prospect of Dumbledore's impending return with their assignments and their imminent departure on what was probably going to be the greatest, most challenging adventure of their lives. An ugly surge of jealously rose in her chest as she watched them...Tim walking back to the table with another few drinks, Sophie Spaulding talking earnestly with Sirius Black, and James laughing with a Ravenclaw named Eileen. It struck her that this was barely more than a career decision for them. It was more an honor to be chosen than anything else...and for her, it was a point of no return.

Just as she was about to go back upstairs, not wanting to bring gloom to their charged anticipation, James looked over and caught sight of her standing there. The smile faded from his face, and he raised his eyebrows at her. She didn't beckon him...she just turned and went back up to her room. She knew he'd follow...and part of her wished he wouldn't. Sure enough, she only stood alone in the room for three seconds before he was walking through the door and shutting it behind him

"Sorry," he said quietly, "I didn't see you there."

"It's alright...I was only standing there for a couple of minutes."

"Why didn't you come over and get me?"

She shrugged, then admitted, "Didn't want to talk to anyone, really."

He nodded slowly at this, and then didn't speak again. He seemed to be waiting for her to talk, and she knew that it was because he'd already said his piece. It was her turn to be honest with him...and she reckoned she might as well get to the heart of the matter right away.

"If I agreed to this and permanently cut my ties with Petunia, I'd have nowhere to go and no one to depend on but myself once my training was completed. You claim you want to provide me with a constant...but I can't let you take that upon yourself. I know what's bound to happen...you'll get tired of feeling obligated to me, and you'd be justified. Then I'd have nobody, and I can't afford to risk that."

"Lily," he cut in wearily, "It's all in your head. You're making yourself out to be some kind of burden, and that's the last thing I think of you. I told you, I can handle it. I wouldn't have asked you to do this at all if I didn't..."

Shaking her head, she held up a hand and said, "James, you don't _have_ to handle anything. When I saw you down there just now with the group, and talking..."

"So _what_?"

"So, I realized that you'd be throwing away more than either one of us could possibly know! You'd be committing yourself to something that you're under no obligation to commit yourself to...and the training program is already binding enough. You'll regret it if we go through with this...we both would, and then we'd start to resent each other. Maybe even go back to hating each other...and I'd feel like such a fool. Especially if I thought it could have been prevented."

She could sense the change in his mood before he even opened his mouth, although she didn't quite understand where it was coming from. He blew out a breath of humorless laughter, and looked at the floor for a moment, his jaw set. When he did finally speak, her suspicions were confirmed...he was angry.

"So," he said, his voice sharp, "What would've happened if you'd come down and I was sitting by myself looking miserable? Would you still have changed your mind?"

He was mocking her...and she could feel herself starting to bristle as the conversation took a turn for the worse. "No...you don't understand..."

"You're right, I don't. I _don't_ understand."

She could feel herself getting flustered...it had been a long time since he'd used this tone with her, and she hadn't even been very adept at handling it back then. She slowly stood up and explained, "I didn't change my mind, James. You never had me convinced in the first place. I've been sitting up here trying to think of a way to turn you down that wouldn't destroy our friendship...which I value very much."

"Yeah, right. Frankly, it doesn't seem like you value anything I give you at all. I've tried so bloody hard all year to give you want you needed. Nothing is ever good enough for you, is it?"

"_Excuse_ me?" she said, her own eyes narrowing, "Are you implying that you've been making some kind of sacrifice for me, and I that should be grateful? Because if you are, then I'd have to remind you that I never asked you for _anything_."

He looked back at her, his eyes blazing. "You 'act' like a lot of things...you act like you trust me, but you really don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be worried about me wanting to get the bloody hell away from you in two years."

"It has nothing to do with trust, and I'm not putting it all on you...I think we'd want to get away from _each other_. We're two completely different people...I mean, it's a wonder we get along at all! Seeing you standing there in that group just now, laughing and happy, only drove home the truth of the matter - it wouldn't work. We'd kill each other."

His brows snapped together. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"No, I don't think so. And when you realize I'm right and decide that you don't want to be stuck with someone whose life is so complicated and _messed_ up, then..."

"Whether or not I want to do this is _my_ decision to make!"

"No, it's not," she shot back, "You're not being reasonable. We'd just end up going back to the hatred, the insults, the resentment...we still don't agree on much, even now."

"But...it doesn't matter. We agree on the important things."

She shook her head. "That's why we make great friends...but it doesn't mean we'd be able to _live_ together. I'm too serious for you, and I'd only bring you down. I...I'm Muggleborn..."

His brows snapped together. "What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I mean, that's another thing we don't have in common."

"Listen," he interrupted angrily, taking a step towards her and looking furious, "If you're accusing me of believing _that_ rubbish, then maybe you don't know me at all."

"Well, good, because it all fits now," she said, rounding on him, "We're on an equal plane...I don't know you, and you bloody well don't know me. Not if you seem to think it's so easy to forget about an entire section of my life...a life which, by the way, didn't _begin_ when I came to Hogwarts. I had a family...and even though they were only Muggles, I loved them and they shaped who I was more than anything or anybody in the magical world ever has! I can't turn my back on my own history, my own upbringing..."

"I'm not asking you to turn your back on _anything_. I'm not even asking you to choose...that would be your bloody sister."

She glared at him, her indignation spiking. "Don't say another _word_ about her. You don't know her...you don't have the right. Even if she doesn't mean anything to you or Arabella or anyone else in the damn world...she means something to _me_. She's all I have, and that's more important than any reason you could give me _not_ to accept her terms."

"That's bollocks," he snapped, "She is _not_ all you have, and I wish you'd stop saying that. You have your cause, your ambition, the desire you've had since the beginning of the year to get involved and do something...how dare she come to you now and make demands, after everything? After pretending as though you didn't exist when you were going through the worst experience of your life?"

Lily stood, knowing he was making valid points but feeling inexplicably defensive and hurt on behalf of her sister, "It was also the worst experience of _her_ life. I can't forget that...and I know her reaction was bad, at first, but she's trying. She's trying to make it right..."

"By telling you to give up your entire life for her benefit?" he cut in, taking a step towards her, "That's not trying. That's self-interest, that's all."

She didn't answer...she merely held onto eye-contact, daring him to speak again. He looked for a moment as though he might slap her and then seemed to lose all semblance of holding onto his temper. A smile broke out on his face, born of utter frustration and not of mirth, and he shook his head at her as he declared disgustedly, "You're a coward, Lily. You can stand there and feel sorry for yourself all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you _let_ things happen to you. You don't like the way things are going for you, but you don't even have the courage to make a change. You hide behind the idea that you don't have a choice."

This last barb hurt more than any of the others. She knew he was baiting her, striking out at her with all he had because he didn't know what else to do. Still, she couldn't help losing her own temper at being called a name which she considered to be one of the most abhorrent in spoken language, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Fine...and your decisions are consistently dominated by your insatiable _hero complex_! It's sick! Go find someone else to _use_ so that you can feel good about yourself, and don't blame me because I won't play along with the idea that everything you do and say is brilliant! You don't know what's best for me, and you aren't my knight in shining-bloody-armor, so come _off_ it!"

He leveled a look at her that was nothing short of pure hatred, so intense that it frightened her. She didn't have time to recover before he lurched forward and violently grabbed her arm. She winced from the pain, but didn't speak...and he didn't seem to care. His face was mere inches from her own and when he spoke he hissed his words. She hadn't seen him like this in months...in fact, she wasn't sure she'd ever seen him like this at all.

"I know everyone thinks you're bright, Lily, but you're not...you're completely dense, and it's _pathetic_. The only reason I ever did _anything_ for you is because I'm so in love with you I've made myself into a hopeless arse."

She looked up quickly, and then wished she hadn't as his eyes captured hers and refused to relinquish her gaze. His eyes...they were terrible. He went on, "When I held you that night, in front of the common room fire - you could barely breathe, you were so upset - I felt like my heart was going to break. I'll never forget it, as long as I live...how I felt that night. I didn't know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut...if I'd said anything, it would have been to beg you to stop crying because it was _killing_ me."

His hand was like a vice on her arm, and he gave her a hard shake to punctuate his words. She didn't still didn't speak...she couldn't. All she could do was frown up at him, horrified, and wish that he would let her go...that she could rewind time and take back what she'd said.

"I've spent the past seven months watching you, trying so hard to get close to you, fighting my way past your prejudice against me...I was _desperate_ to be in your life. I would have done anything..._anything_ to make you trust me. You see _none_ of it...and now you can stand there and accuse me of being sick."

She winced and tried to pull away from him, but he gave her a jerk and brought her closer to him as he spat, "I'd tell Dumbledore to go to hell, I'd get an office job in Muggle London if I thought you'd take me seriously. Everything I've done has been for you. You should bloody well remember that the next time you ask your _sister_ for a favor."

She opened her mouth to speak, to make some kind of response, but she had absolutely no idea what to say...and so she remained silent. He finally finished with evident disgust in his voice, both for her and for himself, "The hardest part of it was hiding my feelings from you. I didn't want you to know...I was afraid that you'd run because that wasn't what you needed. That was all I cared about...what you needed. It makes me sick to think about what I've turned into...but I always told myself it was worth it. Only you don't appreciate _any_ of it. You're blind, and dense, and I hope you have a pleasant life living in a sodding house in Muggle suburbia with your self-absorbed sister and her bloody idiotic husband that you haven't even been allowed to _meet_ yet."

With that, he shoved her away from him and walked out of the room, slamming the door in its frame as he left. She stared at the door for a moment, trying to get her breathing under control. She looked down at her hands...they were shaking terribly. Of all the things that she'd prepared herself for as she was walking back from the café where she'd said goodbye to Petunia, of all the scenarios she'd played out in her head of all the things that could be said between herself and James when she told him of her intentions, she never imagined this. This was...worse than she could have ever predicted.

Closing her eyes, Lily threw her head back and took a deep breath. Her eyes stung, but it was as though she didn't have any tears left within her...she was numb inside. Her head pounding, she leaned against one of the cool wooden bedposts and listened to the sounds of the crowd downstairs drifting up through the floorboards.

In one day, her beloved sister had come back into her life...and her best friend had walked out of it. Something inside her began to feel sour as she found herself unsure of whether or not one was a worthy price to pay for the other. Now more than ever, however...she didn't really have much of a choice. Standing and holding back the urge to scream as the walls of the small room seemed to close in on her, she began to pack her things back up.

She had to prepare for the ride back to Hogwarts in the morning.

**To Be Concluded in Chapter Twelve**

More Fic by Emmyjean at


	13. Fate

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean J/L

RATING: PG-13

Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: **This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE. **

**CHAPTER TWELVE: Fate**

Lily shot up in bed, panting as though she'd been running for hours. Squeezing her eyelids closed, she brought her hand up to shakily swipe at the hair that had been clinging to the perspiration on her forehead. Taking a deep, calming breath and trying not to let the sour, painful feeling in her stomach overwhelm her, she laid back down and tried to just wait it out.

It hadn't been a nightmare, exactly...in fact, she couldn't even remember most of it. The only thing she could recall was the final moment before she'd woken up, and that was only because it had been so vivid. She'd been standing in Dumbledore's office behind James, who sat in the chair in front of the headmaster's empty desk with his shoulders slumped and his messy black hair dirty and sweaty. Troubled, she'd gone to him and put her hand on his shoulder...but when he turned, she'd yelped and jumped back at the sight of her own green eyes looking back at her, an unfathomable pain and scorching anger burning brightly in them.

Lily didn't know what it meant...she had no talent for analyzing her own dreams. She was too close to them...and Arabella had always been so good at it. She supposed it had something to do with the fact that she hadn't been able to scrape a moment's peace of mind since she came back to Hogwarts by herself on the train from London. Day and night, her every thought since had been of her decision...of both her decisions. Had she made a mistake? Was she really doing what her parents would have wanted? Was she even doing what she wanted, and should that even matter?

Most of all, she'd been thinking endlessly about James and everything that had happened between them that night. It had only been a week and a half since he'd stormed out of her room at the Leaky Cauldron, but it seemed like it had been an eternity for all the pain the memory had caused her so far. She didn't know what should have happened that night...she could not and _would_ not waste her time pasting together alternate realities of different things she could have done or words she might or might not have said in order to have it end differently between them, because it was pointless. Besides, that wasn't the issue.

The issue was that something very close to her heart was screaming at her that it shouldn't have ended at all.

Throwing the covers off her legs and getting out of bed, she stood there for a moment breathing heavily and thinking she might be sick again...another consequence of all the horrible introspection she'd been putting herself through that week. Running a hand through her hair, she padded out of the dorm without even bothering to grab her dressing gown...she needed to have something to do. She wanted suddenly to take a bath, as though that could wash away her problems.

Once in the prefect's bathroom and assured that no one was going to interrupt her at this ungodly hour, she sank into the water and closed her eyes, letting the steam and the fragrant bubbles calm her nerves a bit. Even if her heart had slowed to its normal pace, though, her mind still raced and her headache raged on.

The truth was that she missed him...terribly. It had started out small, a slight inkling of regret that she'd felt each time she thought of him. After that it grew into a nausea that would plague her whenever she saw something that reminded her of him. The Quidditch pitch, their table in the library where they'd always held meetings...the fireplace in the common room.

_"When I held you that night, in front of the common room fire - I felt like my heart was going to break. I'll never forget it, as long as I live..."_

The familiar stinging came to her eyes once again and she sank deeper into the bathtub as his words rang through her ears like some vicious echo. It was only after she'd finally drudged up the courage to replay his words in her mind that the aching emptiness she felt quickly grew to unbearable proportions. She'd thought at first that it was guilt, but now she knew it was something much more. Swallowing hard, she covered her face with her hands and admitted it to herself flat out, in the solitude of the prefect's bathroom...the terrible truth that she'd been too afraid to face until now.

Lily had finally come to realize that she felt the loss of James Potter even more keenly than she'd ever felt the loss of Petunia...and even more than Arabella.

Unable to take it anymore, she hoisted herself out of the tub and grabbed a towel. The bathroom was hot with steam, but she was shivering. It was too late now...whatever she now realized about James and what he'd come to mean to her, it was too late. He was gone. Leaning her head against the cool tiles on the wall, she punished herself further by contemplating the brutal fact that she might never see him again.

She should have said something to him that night...anything. She shouldn't have let him walk out the door, furious and hating her.

_"The only reason I ever did anything for you is because I'm so in love with you I've made myself into a hopeless arse."_

Heaving a sigh, Lily threw her head back and squinted up at the ceiling, a couple of pieces of her hair coming out of the pins she'd used to keep it dry and falling down to stick to her wet shoulders. She still couldn't quite believe it...he'd told her he loved her. He loved her.

She had been flabbergasted to hear it...completely and utterly floored. Now that she'd had time to let it sink in, however, she knew that he was right...she was dense for not having seen it all along. His sudden change of heart midyear, all the little things he'd done for her, his dedication and loyalty...all of it a result of his not being able to fight his feelings. That night...the night he'd kissed her...she should have seen that it wasn't a kiss born of fatigue or gratitude or anything else. However much of that he may have felt, he'd kissed her that night because he couldn't stand _not_ to...because he was in love with her, and he'd needed to relieve at least some of that burden.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she contemplated her own ingratitude.

By the time she'd managed to pull herself out of her reverie, she was dry enough to pull her nightgown over her head once again, pull on her dressing gown, and walk back to the Tower. As she stepped through the portrait hole, she almost screamed at the sight of someone sitting in front of the fire...it was Remus.

"Remus?"

He looked up, startled...obviously he'd been so deep in thought that he hadn't even realized that she'd come in. "Hey...where were you?"

"Oh, I...was taking a bath."

Nodding slowly, he thankfully decided not to comment on the hour in which she decided to do this and said, "Right."

"What are you doing up?" she asked, still standing awkwardly by the door.

"I was...I couldn't sleep. I was just thinking."

She briefly thought about making some kind of excuse and going back to bed...but then the thought of her dark dormitory and all the possibilities for dark dreams it offered and decided she'd rather not. Walking quietly over to where he was sitting, she asked softly, "Mind if I join you?"

"Of course not...sit down."

They sat in silence for several minutes, staring into the fire lost in their own thoughts...she wouldn't have thought it possible, but somehow his presence made her feel a bit better. She hoped that he was getting the same satisfaction out of her being there. Not sure he wanted to talk but feeling she ought to give it an effort, she asked, "Is something wrong?"

He looked over at her and seemed to hesitate for a moment, then said quietly, "I hate being left behind...and I'm tired of my condition getting in the way of everything I try to do."

She looked up at him, struck by his candor...he'd never spoken about this before to her. "What do you mean?"

Shaking his head and frowning slightly as he turned his gaze back to the fire, he explained, "I should have been able to go with them...instead I'm stuck here. I just...it's like it never fails. I was in the hospital after tearing myself up that night – not to mention my best friend – and because of that I couldn't go into training. I didn't even have the option, even though I was in Dumbledore's class all year as well."

She nodded, then a wave of shame hit her as she thought to herself that she, too, should be there with the rest of the chosen students in training...but she wasn't. Remus caught her staring at her hands, her eyebrows drawn together in distress. For a moment he watched her closely, his eyes sharp and perceptive, but his voice was gentle as he asked, "Are _you_ alright?"

She looked up at him and started to lie...but then found she simply couldn't do it. Biting her lip hard to stop it from trembling, she replied, "I...I don't know."

He didn't respond...he merely leaned forward, his brows furrowed, and waited for her to continue. She didn't want to trouble him with her worries and problems when he had enough of his own...but when it all came down to it, she needed to talk to someone. Not to mention the fact that she'd always liked Remus very much...for a long time, she'd considered him more her friend than James. Her voice hitching, she began, "Do you think I'm doing the right thing, Remus?"

Remus shook his head, and replied, "I don't know what you mean..."

"Do you think I was right to come back here?"

His face changed only slightly, as though he was trying to hide a reaction from her. She had been forced to explain what she was doing back at Hogwarts to alleviate his surprise at seeing her walk through the doors of the Great Hall last week, but she'd kept it brief and hadn't wanted to go into the details at the time. Still, she imagined he had been able to fill in most of the blanks...except, perhaps, for the ones that involved James. She hadn't mentioned any of that to him at all. Now, she watched him hungrily, waiting for his response, and finally he gratified her.

"Lily, it's not for me to say. Only you can really decide whether or not you're making the right decisions in your own life, because you're going to have to be the one to live with them."

She was silent for a moment...he was right, of course, but it wasn't the concrete advice she'd hoped to get out of him. "How can anyone be expected to know what's best when we can't see the future?"

He shrugged, smiling slightly as he replied, "Well, that's the eternal question, isn't it? For everyone, really."

Nodding miserably, she conceded, "I know."

Sighing, Remus leaned forward again and said in a subdued voice, "Look...everyone is forced to make decisions based on what seems right at the time, but that doesn't mean they can't change their minds later on. When I...when James and Sirius told me that they'd figured out how to be animagi, I didn't tell them it was wrong. Deep down, I think I knew that it was a bad idea...but I didn't think it would do any harm. Later, much later, I realized that it had been a mistake. Maybe I needed to make the wrong decision first, though, in order to appreciate the right one."

She stared at him for a moment, then said, "So...you _do_ think I've made a bad decision?"

He thought for a few seconds before responding, choosing his words carefully, "I know that you must love your sister...and even if that's your _only_ reason for giving up the program to live with her, then that's good enough."

He looked at her for a long time, and then at last he finished, "But...it still may not be where you belong. In the end."

She took this in, and then they fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts. She knew that she must look so foolish to Remus, as she'd had the choice on whether or not to join the program and she'd decided against it. Now he had to wait until the end of the year and be behind the rest of them...and not only that, but he'd have to get special clearance from Dumbledore because of his condition. Lily didn't know which was worse...not being able to decide on a course of action, or having a set path and being unable to embark upon it.

"I feel so...useless," she said softly, and he responded,

"Yeah...me too."

They fell back into silence again, and as usual Lily's mind went to the last interaction she'd had with James and all the things that were said that night.

_"She is not all you have, and I wish you'd stop saying that. You have your cause, your ambition, the desire you've had since the beginning of the year to get involved and do something...how dare she come to you now and make demands, after everything?" _

The sharp pain in Lily's abdomen increased as she thought of the countless books she'd read to prepare herself for what she was planning to do with her life after her parents died...all the hundreds upon hundreds of hours she'd spent practicing her charms outside of class, working until she couldn't stay awake...it was all wasted time now. Petunia...she couldn't stave off the anger anymore. It trickled into her like sand, grain by grain...and it was beginning to chafe at her resolve to make things work between them at all costs. After all, she thought as her brows drew slowly together, he was right. Why should Lily be the one to make all the sacrifices just because Petunia experienced a tragedy she doesn't completely understand? After all, she never made the effort to understand it any better, did she? James' voice came into Lily's mind again, challenging her.

_"You're a coward, Lily. You can stand there and feel sorry for yourself all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you let things happen to you. You don't like the way things are going for you, but you don't even have the courage to make a change. You hide behind the idea that you don't have a choice."_

Jumping up, she said, "I need to go and talk to Dumbledore."

He narrowed his eyes at her, confused. "Sorry?"

"I chose a future for myself a long time ago based on the things I thought were important then...and those things are _still_ the most important things in my life."

"What about your sister, then?"

Lily paused, her jaw set and, for the first time in ages, no horrible feeling of self-doubt clouding her mind as she replied in a steely voice, "I have to make my own path...I'm not letting her or anyone else do it for me."

With that, she glanced at the window...by the amount of light in the sky, she deduced quickly that it must be close to six and Dumbledore would surely be awake. Feeling as thought she couldn't wait another second to speak with him, she turned and with one final word to Remus walked through the portrait hole.

One horrible, worry-filled week later, Lily sat in Dumbledore's office with her hands clasped tightly in her lap to keep them from trembling. She looked around the empty room at the portraits hanging on the walls, and it seemed to her that they were all trying to pretend as though they weren't staring at her. Taking a deep breath, she tried to force her nerves away.

As she thought back on the chain of events, it seemed to her that it had all happened so quickly. A couple of days previous, Dumbledore had asked to speak with her after she'd finished with her last NEWT. He'd sounded rather grave, which had sent her spirits crashing down immediately...she'd been in a rather good mood at the time, having just done reasonably well on the tests she'd been dreading since her first day of school. Slowly, she'd trudged up to his office, sure that she was about to be disappointed...but when he spoke, he'd surprised her.

"My attempts to get you into specialized training have succeeded...and I apologize for the delay, but the negotiations took rather longer than I expected."

"Oh!" she'd exclaimed, her books clasped against her chest as she beamed at him, "You mean you've found me a place?"

"Not exactly," Dumbledore had said wearily, although Lily could have sworn she'd detected a twinge of humor in his tone, "As I said, all the places in the specialized training regimes had been filled. I was beginning to think I was going to have to simply put you in regular training with very high recommendations for advancement to combat training later on."

He'd hesitated, and she urged him on. "But...?"

"But...as I said, there was one thing further I wanted to try. In any case, that worked out in our favor in the end, and you will be leaving at the end of the week to begin."

"You said before...er, it _is_ specialized training, then?" she had asked, thinking that it was ungrateful and snobbish of her to think less of regular training but unable to help her feelings after all the extra work she'd put in all year.

"You will indeed be receiving specialized training, Miss Evans...however, your setting will be rather unconventional," he replied matter-of-factly, "I have secured you a place alongside a working Auror...it will be more of an apprenticeship than formal training, but I assure you that you will not be deprived in any way in your experience."

"A...an apprenticeship?" she'd repeated, suddenly becoming uneasy.

"You will accompany him everywhere, on all missions for which he is dispatched, and he will teach you everything he knows along the way. I have...er...spoken to him several times over the past few days, and he has agreed to this. The Ministry has also agreed to award you with the same qualifications it awards the other people who are training to be in this elite squad of Aurors, providing that you complete the training in the same amount of time."

Lily hadn't really known what to say, and all she'd been able to manage at the time was a swallow and a brief, "Thank you, sir."

"Nonsense, Miss Evans," he'd replied fondly, waving a hand at her, "I would have been most sorry indeed to lose you and your exceptional skills. Now, if you will return to my office on Friday afternoon, I will introduce you to your new teacher."

Lily had nodded and dazedly left the room without even remembering to ask who it was. Now here she sat, in complete ignorance as to what awaited her. Presently, the upper door of the office opened, and Lily could hear Dumbledore chatting with someone...a man with a deep, gruff voice. She slowly got to her feet, her heart pounding painfully in her chest.

"Ah, Miss Evans!" Dumbledore said amiably over the stone railing as he caught sight of her, "Excellent. Without further delay, I would like to introduce you to your new teacher...Alastor Moody."

Lily gazed up at the man who now stepped forward to stand beside Dumbledore at the stone raining and gazed down at her...and she thought that she had never felt so intimidated in her life. She knew that she should smile, or attempt to say something, but she was too wrapped up in wondering just what exactly Dumbledore had gotten her into with this man.

He was older than she'd expected him to be...although it was hard to tell just how old he was based on his looks, which were bizarre. His hair was brown and streaked with a kind of unhealthy grey, and it fell down to his shoulders. He had scars all over his face and wore a patch over one eye...along with the most unfriendly facial expression she could have imagined. She swallowed, hard, and nodded at him. He ran an appraising eye over her, his brows knitted together in what looked like displeasure, and growled,

"How old are you, girl?"

She shivered at the sound of his voice...it was like sandpaper on her nerves. Still, she couldn't present a bad impression of herself now. Raising her chin a bit, she replied in a clear voice, "Eighteen."

Moody glanced at Dumbledore, his eyebrow raised. Lily got the distinct impression that Dumbledore had managed to get Moody to agree to this, as he'd said...but that it had been a Herculean struggle. Suddenly she felt unspeakably foolish, and looked down at Dumbledore's desk to hide this fact.

"Having second thoughts?"

She started and looked up again at the sudden interruption of the gruff voice into her thoughts, and she shook her head adamantly. "No, sir."

"Maybe you should be," he replied, his one good eye narrowing, "Dumbledore seems to think that this damn-fool idea of his is going to work...but I'm not so sure."

She glanced at Dumbledore, at a loss as to how exactly she was supposed to respond to this, and found him gazing down at his hand on the railing rather than at her. Feeling slightly hurt that he was leaving her to fend for herself at the moment, she replied quietly, "I intend to do my best."

"But is your best worth anything?" Moody challenged, and now her indignation began to rise. Straightening imperceptibly, she replied in a self-assured voice,

"I've been told as much, sir. But I suppose that's for you to tell me."

Now Dumbledore did look up at her...and his blue eyes beamed his proud approval down at her. Feeling slightly more empowered, she returned her gaze to Moody and found him doing a new appraisal of her. She couldn't say for sure, but she could swear that one corner of his mouth was twitching. Finally, he reached up and pulled the black patch away from his eye...and Lily couldn't surpress a gasp of alarm as she beheld what was beneath.

She would have expected an empty socket...but instead, underneath the patch, Moody concealed his other eye. This was no ordinary eye, however, it twisted and whirled unnaturally in his head and finally directed its insane-looking gaze right at her. She stood still, as though it had her caught in some kind of beam, and after a moment Moody chuckled and covered it once more with his patch.

"Well," he concluded bluntly, "At the very least, I suppose you'd make a good shield."

Before she could react to this other than to have her mouth drop open slightly, Moody turned to Dumbledore and said, "Have her ready and at the train tomorrow morning at nine. I have to get back to duty."

"Thank you again for your cooperation, Alastor," Dumbledore replied, and the two men descended the stairs to Lily's right and were at last level with her. Still, she had to look up to see Moody's face...he was almost as tall as Dumbledore. He did not look at her again...at least, not that she could tell. After a few more words with Dumbledore he turned and left...and Lily got her first glimpse of his limp, as well. When the door slammed behind him, she turned to Dumbledore and asked,

"Professor Dumbledore...are you sure this is alright?"

Dumbledore smiled at her and replied, "It will be, Miss Evans...as soon as he gets used to you. Rest assured that I have known Alastor Moody for some time now, and he is one of the greatest Aurors the Ministry has ever produced. Considering the potential danger of having you in active combat without yet being fully trained, I would not entrust this responsibility to anyone but him."

Lily stared at him for a moment, then nodded and said somewhat reluctantly, "I'll do what it takes...and I'm honored that he's agreed to take me on."

They went on to discuss the arrangements...she was to pack her things, but to leave behind anything she didn't absolutely need. Since she had no home where she could put everything until she was finished with training, Dumbledore assured her that she could safely leave them at Hogwarts until she needed them again.

"Don't worry," Dumbledore said to her just before she left, "Everyone knows that Moody's bark is worse than his bite."

She watched as he walked away from her a few paces and then turned to look at her again, his eyes twinkling, and added, "Unless, of course, you happen to be a criminal."

Closing the latches on her trunk on Thursday night, Lily stared around the dormitory that had been her life for a long time. Everything was exactly the same as it had been her first day at Hogwarts...the same red hangings on the bed, the same stove in the center of the room that they used to use to roast chestnuts at Christmastime, the same tapestries. As her eyes traveled the familiar stone walls and now-empty beds, they suddenly fell on Helen. She was standing in the door, watching Lily perceptively with her kind brown eyes.

"You're leaving as well?" she asked, closing the door behind her and taking a few steps inside. Lily nodded and waved a hand listlessly at her packed trunk.

"Yeah...tomorrow morning. Dumbledore is going to take me to the station, and...well, I'm supposed to go to London."

"London," Helen murmured, and then smiled and shook her blonde head. "I could never be you, Lily."

"Oh...nonsense. It's nothing to be me."

"How can you say that?" Helen replied, her eyebrows crinkling with reproach, "When I think back on all the things that you've suffered this year...all the things that you've accomplished...well, you should be proud. Very proud."

Her voice trembled as she spoke, and Lily smiled warmly at her. "You want to know something? I sort of wish I could be you right now."

"Me? Why?"

"Because," Lily explained, sighing, "Then I'd have less reason to be so scared."

"Lily, you have no reason at all to be afraid," Helen insisted stoically, "The only ones who have to be afraid are the people training with you, because you're going to put them all to shame. You were always so good...you _and_ Arabella. I could never be as smart as you two always were."

Lily looked up at Helen and was suddenly struck with a pang of regret...she was going to miss her. Despite the fact that they'd grown apart since their first years there, she knew she was going to miss Helen terribly. Feeling a lump starting in her throat, Lily walked over and grabbed Helen in a hug. Helen hugged her back, and Lily could feel her chest catch with a small sob.

"I'll miss you, Lily," Helen said over Lily's shoulder, her voice trembling, "I don't know what I'll do for the rest of the time...first Arabella was gone, and now you. I'll be all by myself."

"Don't worry," Lily reassured her, pulling back and smiling at her with a confidence she wished she could feel on her own behalf, "It won't be for long."

Helen nodded, then asked, "Will you write?"

"I will...well, as soon as I can, anyway. I don't think you're allowed to send or receive letters when you're in training. Security purposes, I suppose."

Shaking her head again, Helen repeated, "As I said...I don't think I could ever be you."

They laughed, and then Lily asked, "Are you going to be here later on?"

"Sure...want to have one last marshmallow roast? I think I still have some left from the last time..."

"Ooh, they're probably nice and stale."

"Probably...but where are you going now?"

"I have...there's someone I need to talk to before I go. I'll be back up later, alright?"

Helen nodded, and Lily went out the door and down into the common room where, as she expected, she found Remus sitting and reading his book. He looked up when she approached and smiled a bit tiredly. "Hey...all ready?"

"I think so," Lily replied, sitting down in the chair opposite him, "That is...everything's packed. As to whether or not I'm ready...that's another matter."

"You'll be fine," he reassured her, and she replied doubtfully,

"I don't know...I mean, I'm sure I will be, it's just...that man. He's so intimidating. Really, you should have seen him."

"I've heard of him, yeah. But from what I have heard, you're very lucky. He's the apple of the Ministry's eye when it comes to the Auror division."

"I know. I do...and I'm so grateful to Dumbledore."

He nodded and replied softly, "I've been grateful to Dumbledore for years. He's the reason I'm here at all, actually. If it hadn't been for him, they never would have let me in here."

There was a pause in which they sat in pondering silence, and then Lily spoke. "I...I wanted to thank you before I left, Remus."

"For what?"

"For...just for listening. For being so encouraging. It would have taken me a lot longer to make this decision if you weren't here, and by then it would have been too late."

He shook his head, "Don't thank me, Lily. You came to the decision on your own. I only wish I could be going with you tomorrow."

He said it lightly, but something about his words struck Lily as particularly melancholy. She suddenly felt a bit guilty...as though she were walking out on him or something. He did not look as though he was angry or accusatory...he just looked beaten. Evidence of having been fighting the same battle for years...and losing nearly every time.

"Remus," she ventured quietly, "I'll stay, if you want."

His gaze went back to her and his brows snapped together. "What?"

"I mean it. I can wait...and then we can leave together."

"Lily," he said, his voice level even in his incredulity, "You can't be serious."

"I _am_ serious," she insisted solemnly. "I know you are as anxious to get out of here as I am...and it isn't fair that I should be going while you have to stay. I'll wait for you if you want...just say the word."

He regarded her with a look that held such emotion that she almost had to look away. After a moment in which he struggled to find his words, he said, "Lily, I...I don't know what to say. I'm..."

"I didn't say it to be nice, mind," she elaborated, not wanting him to feel embarrassed by the offer, "I just think that people who are suffering through the same kinds of things should stick together as much as possible. Don't you?"

Smiling wistfully, as though almost regretting what he was going to have to say, he replied, "Yes...but I also think that you have to just go. I wouldn't have you waiting around this place for me for all the Galleons in the world."

"But..."

"No," he interrupted, holding up a hand and leaning forward, "I mean it. You need to go...your talent is ten times what mine is, and they need you."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive...now go on and get some sleep," he said, and then after a beat he said, "I'm going to miss you."

She smiled and replied, "Thanks...you too, Remus."

"Take care of yourself...and maybe we'll cross paths in training one day."

She felt a horrible lump in her throat now...it really was over, this chapter of her life.

"I hope so," she replied earnestly, and then, giving him a quick, impulsive kiss on the cheek, she turned and went back upstairs. She and Helen stayed up talking and reminiscing until Lily couldn't keep her eyes open any longer, and then she went to sleep for the last time under the familiar canopy on her bed.

Tomorrow was going to be the start of a whole new chapter in her life...and she was going to meet it head on.

**Two Years Later**

"Well...at least they have tents in this one," Moody commented as he looked around the camp...in two different directions, Lily noticed with a raised eyebrow. A couple of people did double-takes at him as they passed in the darkness...probably at first because he was so threatening-looking, and then because they recognized him.

"Lovely," she said, a smile in her voice, "Tents. They really do spoil us."

Moody swung his good eye towards her and said, "You should be used to this by now, girl. Otherwise you'd better get yourself a nice desk job at the Ministry..."

"I'm only joking," she interrupted, laughing lightly, "You need some sleep."

"Right," he replied, "And so do you...we've got an early morning tomorrow. Yours is number one hundred and four."

"When is it _not_ an early morning?" she asked, sighing as she started off towards the tent he indicated with his assignment sheet as he read off the number and bidding him goodnight as she went.

Over the course of the two years that followed her departure from Hogwarts, Lily had completely devoted herself to her training with Alastor Moody...who, as Dumbledore had assured her, was not as frightening as he looked. He worked Lily hard and forced her to use anything and everything she'd ever learned in practice, and she accompanied him everywhere he went. It had been a fascinating and eye-opening time for her, because not only did she get a real feel for what it was like to be an Auror, but she also had the privilege of being apprenticed to a fairly well-respected veteran of the fight against the Dark Arts. The adrenaline rush she felt from knowing that he was beginning to consider her skill a valuable asset was indication enough that she'd made the right decision when she'd left Hogwarts and effectively cut herself off from Petunia.

She still felt a surge of regret sometimes when she thought about her sister...she didn't expect that the hurt over that situation would ever go away completely. The only difference was that now she'd learned to put it behind her and not blame herself for anything that had happened. She could still hope faintly that one day, Petunia would come through for her somehow...but it wasn't something she was going to count on.

While it was true that she was giving her all to her progress in training and had changed her outlook on many things, there was one aspect of her life that had not changed in the least since she left school...and that was the strength of her feelings for James Potter. Time and lack of contact had not served to diminish them at all, and although she never spoke of him to Moody, she never gave up on the idea that she would run into him somewhere along the line. Every time they came into a new place – a camp, an operation, or whatever it happened to be – the first thing she did was look for James.

Lily was no longer deluding herself as to exactly what she felt for him...she knew she loved him, but as the two years of her training passed more quickly in many ways that she'd imagined it would and she was now coming to her last two months, the worry that she might never see him grew a little each day. Not only that, but she worried about other things as well...two years was an awfully long time. Much can happen in two years...he may not be the same person he was when they last saw each other. In fact, he probably wasn't...she knew _she_ wasn't the same either, for that matter.

Her feelings for James just happened to be a constant for Lily...but what if she was not a constant for him? What if his feelings had faded with time? Who knows what else he may have found to fill his life with since that night in the Leaky Cauldron...or what other people he might have met in the meantime. After all, it wasn't as though she'd given him any hope to cling to with regards to her feelings or even the continuing state of their once-great friendship the last time she saw him.

These thoughts plagued her now more than they ever had as her training drew to a close and she still hadn't seen or heard from him...and she wouldn't even contemplate the idea that something had happened to him. There had been one shining beacon of hope about six months ago...she had, by chance, run into Sirius Black during a Deatheater trial that she'd gone to with Moody. The man had been someone that Moody had been instrumental at capturing, and so he'd wanted to see him sentenced. Sirius had been there in the crowd as well, and he'd been genuinely happy to see her.

They'd talked about training, about various things that had been happening in the wizarding world...he asked her if she'd seen Arabella. She'd told him she hadn't but that it didn't surprise her. She and Arabella had both known that it could be a very long time before they saw each other again, because of the odd circumstances surrounding Bella's training with Alice and Frank. As much as she ached whenever she thought of Bella, she felt instinctively that wherever she was, she was taking care of herself...and that they'd see each other again sooner than later.

As Sirius had pondered this information, or lack thereof, Lily had taken the opportunity to ask him if he'd seen James. He'd told her yes, he had...that James had finished training early, and was now an active Auror for the Ministry. They had joked that they might have expected that, and then Moody pulled her away and they had to part ways again. Still, she'd gotten the information she'd wanted...James was alright, and that was enough.

It was something she often went back to on nights like this one, as she laid in her bed staring up at the canvas roof of her small tent waiting for sleep to come. She and Moody had gotten into camp very late the night before...they were passing through on their way to another operation Moody had been assigned to by the Ministry. From what she understood, they would be there for a few days...but she knew that it wouldn't really be a rest. It never was, with her teacher...he wanted her to get the most out of her time with him, and he'd been particularly adamant about it in the past month or so as their time together wound down. Pulling the covers over her shoulders, she finally allowed her eyes to drift closed, knowing it was going to be a rough morning when she woke up.

She was right...the lack of sleep took its toll on her. Lily practically stumbled out of the tent at dawn, so tired that she was considering killing herself just so that she wouldn't have to do her morning wand exercises with Mad-Eye. Rubbing her eyes, she decided as she always did that if she could handle training with Moody than she could handle anything, and that she was lucky to have been placed with him. Looking up at the sky, she thought that at least she had the opportunity to enjoy the sunrise. There was no one else walking the grounds yet except for a couple of house elves and a group of men who had obviously just gotten into camp as they were all carrying shoulder bags. As they came nearer, she heard their voices more clearly...they were Aurors, probably fresh off of an assignment and about to take advantage of the dining tent. Lily caught snippets of their conversation as they passed.

"Right, well I don't know...why doesn't the Ministry just try again?"

"There's no point in trying if they don't have any more resources than they did last...oy, check out the talent..."

Lily rolled her eyes, and one of the other ones emitted a low whistle as they passed her. Glancing over her shoulder, she intended to shoot them a disapproving look when a couple of the others in the group looked over their shoulders to take a peek at her themselves...and Lily felt her heart stop as she locked eyes with one of them. His brows shot together and his face fell into a mask of complete shock as he recognized her in turn. They both stopped in their tracks, seemingly frozen and completely unprepared for the encounter.

"Ahh...we might have known," one of the group laughed to the others when they finally noticed he'd fallen behind. They all chuckled and, shaking their heads, went on their way.

It _was_ James. His expression didn't change at all as he stared at her. She knew she needed to say something, but despite all the thousands of times she'd imagined this moment over the past two years, she couldn't for the life of her think of anything to say. He just stood there, still as a statue, and the air between them practically crackled with tension. She couldn't think...she was too busy sating herself with the sight of him after searching for him for so long. She could see straight away that he'd changed...quite a bit. He was no longer the boy who'd left her standing stricken in the middle of a dingy room at The Leaky Cauldron...it was apparent even in the dim light of the nearby tent that the past couple of years had forced him to mature into the man who stood before her now.

In truth, she was more than a little intimidated.

Before she could make a decision one way or the other, he turned away from her and, without a word, followed his mates into the tent. She could do little more than stand there staring, aghast, at the place where he'd been standing only seconds before. Of all the things she might have imagined that he'd say to her when he saw her...she'd never imagined cold silence. She knew he'd recognized her...it was evident. He obviously just didn't have any wish to speak to her.

"There you are, girl," came Moody's rumbling voice from behind her, "I thought we'd agreed to meet at six sharp."

She didn't turn around to face him, and tried in vain to organize her thoughts enough to form a complete sentence. "I know, I...I was just..."

"Don't tell me you haven't eaten breakfast yet?" he asked severely, following her line of sight in the direction of the mess tent.

"No...er, yes, I have."

"Good. Let's start, then."

Half annoyed at his unconscious interruption of her thoughts on what she should do next and half relieved that she didn't have to make the decision yet, she followed him across the campground and went on with her exercises as scheduled. She had to assume that James was simply unprepared for the suddenness of their meeting, and that as soon as he'd had the chance to process it he would come and find her so that they could talk. After all, he couldn't want to leave things hanging unresolved.

Realizing that she had to put her mind on her work, she pulled out her wand and faced her teacher. Moody, for his part, pulled out his own wand and eyed her craftily.

"Ready?"

She nodded, and they began. In the interest of self preservation, Lily managed to keep her mind off of James for the rest of the morning as she focused on her training...for the most part.

Hours later she sat on the grass, catching her breath as Moody went to scan the perimeter. She had managed to get over the initial shock of seeing James so unexpectedly, and was now trying to come up with a valid reason why he would simply ignore her the way he did. Funnily enough, after getting over the initial hurt of his clear rejection, she was beginning to find it an encouraging sign. After all, if he'd completely lost all of the feelings he'd had for her, he wouldn't have experienced any kind of extreme reaction at all upon seeing her.

Her mother had always told her that, when it came to this sort of thing, anger was better than indifference...at least it showed some kind of passion. If he was still angry with her, then it had to show that she still meant something to him. She could still evoke an emotional response...even if it wasn't the one she'd hoped she'd get after all this time.

Lily reckoned they'd talk it all out eventually, and she would just bide her time until he was ready. She didn't blame him for having lingering feelings of resentment towards her...after all, she rejected him first and in doing so had said some fairly unforgivable things. If he needed some time to prepare himself to speak with her, not to mention to get over the obvious shock that not only was she not in the Muggle world but she was also in training, then that was fine. She'd let him approach her.

"Right...they want us to reinforce the sound barrier around this camp," Moody called gruffly to her as he trudged back up the hill. She turned and looked at him,

"Right now?"

"No time like the present. Besides, this'll probably take us all day."

Lily stood, her feeling of uneasiness eased a bit, and replied, "Right, boss."

"Don't call me that," he grumbled as he turned and led the way down the hill. She smiled nervously at his back and followed, wondering how long this really _was_ going to take.

She wanted to get back to camp as soon as possible.

By the time she entered the mess tent for dinner, she was becoming more that a little worried about how things were progressing...or not progressing, actually. Scanning the crowded space, her eyes immediately found James and his group...they were sitting around a table back in one corner. Deciding that progress couldn't be made without some risk-taking, she squeezed her way back there and took a seat at the table right beside him. He looked up and saw her as she sat down, but he made no signs that he even recognized her as he went back to his conversation with his friend.

Throughout the entire dinner, Lily sat there growing more and more distressed and angry at the way he was acting. Not only had he been given ample time to get over the shock of seeing her there, but he was blatantly passing up dozens of opportunities to come over and speak to her. She was sitting by herself, and the tent was loud enough that no one would have been able to overhear any conversation they may have had. She got up at one point and passed right behind him to talk to someone she saw that she knew, and then passed him again as she went back to sit down. He stood to grab something off another table and had to edge past her to avoid someone else in the aisle between tables...his cloak had actually brushed her as he went by.

Not to mention the fact that she stared right at him all the while...and he did not so much as glance in her direction.

Unable to bear it any longer, she decided that enough was enough. She was going to give him one solid opportunity to at least _react_ to her presence, and if he didn't...then she knew that he was doing it out of spite and not out of discomfort or awkwardness or anything else. Standing up and marching determinedly over to where he sat with his colleagues, she approached their table and, looking directly at James, asked, "Excuse me...could I borrow your salt?"

He didn't look at her. The rest of the Aurors seemed to find this quite amusing...after casting several glances at James and struggling to surpress their smiles, one of them held the salt out to her and, with a leer, said, "Sure...and, um...if you need anything else, please let me know. I'm off-duty all night."

Unfazed by this, she raised an eyebrow at the man and glanced at James again. For all intents and purposes, it was as though he didn't even notice what was going on...except for a tiny, telltale smirk on his face as he stared into his bowl. Overpowering anger exploded in her, and without even waiting to hear the rest of what the man had to say, she grabbed the salt from him and went back to her seat. There was a ripple of chuckles behind her as she went, but she didn't care. She was so furious she barely noticed Moody stomping in, accompanied by a man she recognized as the commander of James' group of Aurors. They spoke for a few moments, then Moody clunked over to where she was sitting and asked,

"What slop are we being force-fed tonight?"

Lily shrugged moodily. "I don't know...tastes kind of like pork."

Shaking his head but heaping several helpings onto his plate nonetheless, he eyed her with his spinning eye and asked, "Right...what is it?"

"I just told you, I don't know...pork, or..."

"You've got something stuck in your craw," he interrupted, his eye boring into her, "And you'd better get rid of it."

"What?" she frowned, and he continued to stare as he elaborated,

"You weren't on point today...not nearly close to what I know is top form for you. I want you to fix whatever it is that's distracting you and then refocus your attention on your job, do you understand?"

She flushed at the notion that her distraction had been so apparent and that she was now being chastised for it. Just as she was about to respond, she noticed James and his group stand up from their table and walk out of the tent...he didn't even glance in her direction. Lips pressed together, she grabbed her cloak and the manual she'd been reading.

"Where are you going, girl?" Moody called after her.

"To go and fix it!" she snapped back, knowing she was going to regret that cheekiness later. She was so furious that she didn't even know how she got to his tent...she could see nothing but red. Just before she reached it, she saw him go in, so she knew perfectly well that he was decent. Without even bothering to announce her presence, she burst inside and found him just in the middle of unfastening his cloak. He looked up in alarm when she came through the opening, his hand going for his wand...and then his eyes darkened when he recognized her. She didn't care...she wasn't going to let him speak, anyway.

"What is this about?" she spat at him as she kept walking until she was inches from where he was standing, now looking slightly alarmed again, "How _dare_ you, James?"

"Excuse me?" he asked, his voice insolent.

"Oh, COME OFF IT!" she shouted, unable to remember a time when she'd felt so incensed and so utterly hurt, "You know damn well what I'm talking about, so don't play games because I am _not_ in the mood! You have had endless opportunities to approach me and yet your bloody pride and over-inflated _ego_ kept you from giving me a so much as a _greeting_!"

She pointed her finger at him and jabbed his chest to punctuate her words, and his brows snapped together dangerously as she continued without letting him get a word in edgewise, "I've heard of grudges before, but this is absolutely _revolting_. To think, two years of training and then Aurorhood and you _still_ haven't grown up! We're _right_ back where we were when we were _fifteen_ years old, with the pathetic attempts at humiliation, and I hope you're happy about it, you bloody BASTARD!"

On the last word, her emotion came to a heated crescendo and she shoved him as hard as she could with both hands. He stumbled backwards a few steps, unprepared as he was for the blow, but soon righted himself and fixed her with a look that was nothing short of disgusted. Shaking his head and blowing out a small huff of laughter as his lip curled, he said unconcernedly,

"Get out of here, Lily."

Incensed, she shot her hand out to slap him across the face...but he caught it in midair, his eyes flashing dangerously. Grabbing hold of her wrists, he gave her a small but powerful shove away from him and snarled, "What the hell do you _want_ from me?"

"I want to _settle_ this!" she spat at him, hurt beyond anything she'd ever felt before.

"Look, I closed the book on this a long time ago and got over it. I suggest you do the same."

"I didn't come here for your _advice_!"

His eyes flashed again as the corner of his mouth turned up in some kind of mocking smile, "Right...sorry about that. I forgot how you feel about _my_ advice."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about...but allow me to humor you. About a year ago, I ran into your friend Remus."

Her eyes brightened at this, not having seen Remus since that last night at Hogwarts. Then her mind caught up with the conversation and she frowned. "_My_ friend Remus? What's that supposed to mean?"

James snorted and went on, "The fact is, you managed to change your mind easily on the advice of nice, respectable Remus Lupin, didn't you? Never mind that you practically spit in my face when I offered you the _same_ advice...and then some. You don't trust me...never have, never will, and I'm _done_."

She stared at him in shock for a moment before asking, "So that's it?"

Returning her stare coldly, he replied, "Yeah, that's it."

Feeling as though her chest was going to implode with the force of her disappointment and sorrow and anger, Lily turned and walked towards the flap of the tent, half expecting him to stop her before she reached it. But he didn't...he didn't even try. She walked swiftly outside until she was sure he couldn't hear her retreating footsteps and then sprinted the rest of the way back to her tent, barely able to hold her emotions in check until she got there.

Coming to a halt in front of her tent, Lily caught her breath before opening the flap and slipping inside and when she did, she pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that broke from her.

Why was his attitude taking her by surprise? Hadn't she always considered it a possibility that he wouldn't care for her anymore? Hadn't she always been prepared for the cold shoulder when she finally did come face to face with him again?

Yes, she answered herself wearily, sinking onto her bed...but she'd never truly believed that this was how it would work out. She supposed she'd always had too much faith in the power of the human heart to cling to the good and forget the bad...

An hour later Lily sat on her bed, in the same position, wide awake despite her exhaustion. She had managed to calm down a bit and was now finding herself the victim of another all-consuming emotion as regret replaced her anger.

She shouldn't have approached it the way she had. Now it was up to her to fix it as much as possible before they parted ways for good. She briefly considered writing him a long letter and giving it to one of his friends, but then decided that it would seem like an avoidance tactic. She had to go and talk to him again...to try and make him talk to her.

If she didn't, she would never be able to sleep again.

Just as she was about to stand up and pull on a jumper over her pajamas, she heard some kind of commotion going on outside...a lot of people talking at once, their voices interrupting her thoughts. They sounded as though they were passing right outside her tent. Frowning, she walked to the flap and looked out.

A couple of the men she recognized from James' outfit were walking past, and Lily started when she realized that not only were they fully dressed...they were carrying all their gear on their backs. Frowning, she looked in the direction of the other tents...and was dumbstruck when she saw James, also toting his things and walking in the direction the others had just gone.

He was leaving.

Lily felt like she was being stabbed through the chest, and suddenly it hit her exactly why his bag was packed when she'd been in his tent earlier. He looked up then and saw her standing there just before he reached his group, and their eyes locked. Walking over to him, unconcerned about what it might look like to the other Aurors standing right there, she asked flatly,

"So, that's it, then? You were just going to leave without saying another word?"

He stopped and gave one shoulder a shrug, raising his eyebrows at her as he replied, "I told you...I'm finished with it. What more is there to say?"

"I think I deserve more than this...I think we _both_ deserve more. I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to allow what happened in your tent an hour ago be the last contact we have with each other!"

He huffed a laugh and shook his head again, but she continued before he could speak, "Why must you always be so bloody arrogant, James? You think you know _everything_, even now! Let me tell you something...I began to realize I'd made a bad decision almost _immediately_ after I got back to Hogwarts the day after you left for training! It had nothing to do with Remus or anything he said…it was because of _you_."

He stopped shaking his head and his jaw set as he gazed into the distance, refusing to look at her...but Lily knew he was listening now. She went on angrily, "I couldn't stop thinking about what you'd said to me. Your words...they just kept coming back to me, over and over, replaying in my mind. When I finally admitted to myself that you were right...that you were absolutely right about everything, I didn't know what to do. If anything, I suppose I can give Remus credit for spurring me into action sooner than later...but he had nothing to do with why I changed my mind."

James turned his eyes to her now and asked in a low, challenging voice, "You expect me to believe that?"

"I don't care!" she burst out, frustrated beyond belief, "I don't care _what_ you believe...but this is the truth, so you're a git if you don't listen to me just because of your stupid preconceived ideas about the whole thing. I would have written, or tried to explain all this to you...but you were gone, and there was no way to contact you. I had to content myself with spending two years looking under every rock in every camp we came to hoping to find you somewhere."

Almost imperceptibly, his stance softened...but she couldn't be sure whether or not it was her imagination. "What are you talking about?"

"What part didn't you understand? I had to content myself with asking the people I met while Moody and I happened to be in camps like this if they knew you or if they'd seen you. A few times some had, but it didn't really do anything for me except reassure me that you were alright."

Taking a breath and thinking it was better to just get it all out, she admitted, "From the moment I stepped back into that castle after we parted ways, I missed you terribly...more than I even missed Arabella when she left. More, certainly, that I'd ever missed Petunia in her absence from my life. I realized then how much you meant to me, and...and how much I really, really cared. I kept thinking about your last words to me before you...before you left. The things you said to me..."

As she voiced these last admissions, the antagonism and resentment seemed to melt away from his face, leaving in their wake a kind of incredulous dawning of...something. Hope, perhaps...she couldn't tell. In any case, the hard mask he'd been wearing since she first saw him was all but gone, and she didn't dare to dream that she was actually breaking through the barriers he'd put up against her over the past year. She just concluded quietly, her voice still choked with defeat and a small amount of lingering frustration,

"I know now that I made more than one bad decision that night at the Leaky Cauldron. After two years of praying that I'd meet you somewhere so I could tell you everything, I finally see you...and now here you are, about to leave quietly in the night after refusing to even _speak_ to me."

His eyes, no longer guarded, gazed down at her with a softness she hadn't seen in ages. Before he could respond to anything she'd told him, however, an explosive noise rocked the camp and they both jumped and pulled out their wands.

"What the bloody hell...?" he muttered, and then instinctively grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to him as another great bang reverberated through the night sky.

"An attack!" one of the other Aurors yelled as a flash of red light illuminated the sky in the distance, "It's the Deatheaters...they've found the camp! They're trying to breach the protective charms around the perimeter!"

"They already have!" a gruff voice boomed, and Lily spun around to see Moody charging towards them, his wand out and his magical eye spinning. Lily felt the blood drain from her face as the adrenaline rush hit her unexpectedly. Suddenly there were people shouting and running in all directions.

Stopping momentarily in front of them, Moody addressed the group of Aurors and said, "You lot are to meet your commanding officer at the front to hold them back! You come with me, girl...we have to move this camp back and then reestablish the protective forcefield. Heavy charmwork...you should be able to handle it, I think?"

She nodded, then ran after Moody, not bothered by the fact that she was still in her pajamas. Looking back over her shoulder, she found James still standing there looking after her. Their gazes locked once more and held for a long moment, and it struck her that he was heading right into a battle. She slowed her steps, reeling from this realization, and then Moody's voice snapped her back to reality.

"Get moving, girl! There's no time!"

James heard it too, and with one last lingering glance, he spun around and hurtled after his colleagues. Her throat constricting, she turned in the opposite direction and followed Moody towards the camp, knowing full well that she wasn't going to be able to get him out of her mind for a single solitary second thereafter.

"When was the last time you slept?"

Lily wiped the sweat from her brow and inadvertently smeared dried blood on herself as she did so. Looking around at the chief Mediwizard, whose name was Mulligan, she replied noncommitally, "I don't know."

"If I'm right, it's been nearly forty-eight hours, Evans."

Lily was not a bit surprised at that information...she'd been counting the minutes until this whole thing began in the wee hours of yesterday morning. Right when it had started, she'd had to help with the grueling task of disassembling the camp and pushing it back, further into the woods, and then recasting the charms that would create a second barrier around the perimeter of the new location, with modifications to make it stronger than the previous one.

From what she had managed to ascertain over the past two days, the Deatheaters had been planning this attack for months and had appeared in great numbers to destroy the camp. Moody hadn't minced words about the reasons...he told her frankly that it was an attempt to either capture or kill _him_, as he was one of the Ministry's greatest assets. Shortly thereafter he had gone to fight alongside the Aurors at the front line who were holding the Deatheaters at bay, many of them having only shown up later on as reinforcements. He had refused to allow her to go along, although she'd begged and pleaded with him. He said that she was his charge, and that he wouldn't allow her into a large-scale battle before she'd completed her training...even though she only had about two months left.

In light of this rejection from Moody and his subsequent departure, she had been forced to content herself with working in the medical tent on mending the injured Aurors who were coming back in shifts to eat and rest before returning to the fight. Evidently, the Deatheaters had managed to breach the barrier early on, before the Aurors even had a chance to reach them. Since then, they had been successful in diffusing the head-on attack, but now the Aurors had to remain there until the Deatheaters either retreated or until every single one of them was put out of commission. Lily had treated one woman with severe burns on her face not too long ago who'd informed her that it was basically a waiting game now, with scuffles breaking out sporadically.

Lily, although happy to be helping in any way she could, was making herself positively sick with worry. She wasn't concerned so much about Moody, as she knew that he could take care of himself well enough...but the thought of James out there was enough to make her want to vomit. She questioned everyone that came back, and even treated a couple of his friends for their injuries, but no one seemed to have any concrete information on his condition.

"Are you listening to me?"

She started and looked up at Mulligan again. "I...no, I wasn't. Sorry."

"Well, I'm telling you that you have to go to bed."

"No," she protested firmly, standing and washing her hands as she planned to move on to the next person, "I'm fine. Really."

"You're exhausted. Come on, don't be foolish...you _can't_ be in top form. You're going to start making mistakes..."

"Don't tell me how to do my job here, alright?" she snapped at him before she could check herself, and then closed her eyes and shook her head. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..."

"You need sleep."

"No..."

"I'm taking you off-duty and you won't mend another wound in here until you've rested!"

"I can't sleep!" she burst out, her voice shaking, "I couldn't sleep even if I tried!"

"Look," he said quietly, "I'm going to get you a mild draught. I want you to take it – in _front_ of me – and then go to your tent. In eight hours, you can come back and pick up where you left off, alright?"

Lily had no choice but to reluctantly agree to this. After downing the potion, she walked back to her tent in the darkness and thought dimly that it must be about ten o'clock. That meant that she really had been at it for almost two full days...and she still hadn't seen or heard from James. Her stomach churning as she finally got back to her tent, she laid down and had a difficult time succumbing to sleep at first, despite the draught. When she finally drifted off, she mentally ordered herself not to sleep _too_ long...after all, she was needed.

What seemed two minutes later but was probably closer to two hours, Lily awoke suddenly with the hairs on the back of her neck standing up...she felt a presence in the darkness of her tent. Her mind bleary because of the potion but her instincts quickened by years of training, she shot her arm out and grabbed her wand from where it lay on the nightstand. Before she could bring it all the way around, a hand clamped ahold of her wrist. Just as she was about to cry out, another hand clapped over her mouth...and then she felt stubble graze her cheek as her assailant brought his mouth to her ear and shushed her gently.

"Shh...it's me."

Lily's heart nearly leapt out of her chest and relief flooded her veins. Her headache was gone, but she felt unfocused and groggy because of the potion she'd taken. She tried to speak, but he kept one hand over her mouth and continued to shush her as his other hand released her wand arm. He brought his mouth down on her forehead as he gently pulled her wand from her grasp and set it back on the table beside her bed. Lily felt flushed and warm as he finally removed his hand from her mouth and silenced any question she may have asked with a kiss.

She felt as though lightening had suddenly shot through her body as he deepened the kiss before she had time to recover from the initial contact, forcing her lips open with his own so that he could taste her. He caressed her tongue with his, and Lily felt lighter than she had in two years...he _did_ still love her. His hands came to rest on either side of her face, holding her still under his assault, and then they slid down her neck and all the way to her waist.

She could barely breathe...neither could he. They didn't care. Feeling as though she was getting her senses back with a vengeance as the effects of the potion faded a bit, she put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. His mouth finally left hers only to travel down her jaw and then to kiss her neck. His hands found the hemline of her nightshirt and slid underneath, bunching it around her waist as they did. The feeling of his hands against her bare skin was a sensory overload that she had never before experienced, and she shivered beneath him. He returned his mouth to hers and in his desperate kiss she could read every single emotion that he was pouring into her, begging her silently to understand. She kissed him back to show that she _did_ understand...she felt everything he was feeling in that moment.

She'd been wrong before...she hadn't lost the ability to read him. She unconsciously moved one hand to his side...and then froze as he inhaled sharply and flinched away from her.

"What is it?" she asked, pulling her mouth from his.

"Nothing," he replied, trying to continue kissing her as though nothing had happened. Unfazed, she wiggled out from under him and sat up, forcing him to do the same.

"James, are you hurt?"

"It's nothing...just a scratch."

Grabbing her wand off of the bedside table as he ran a hand over her thigh, she muttered, "Lumos!" and then frowned deeply at the sight of the blood staining his cloak.

"My God...James!" she cried as she slid off the bed and lit the lamps so she could get a better look, "You _are_ hurt! Haven't you been to the medical tent?"

"No," he replied quietly, standing with some difficulty and walking over to her. Reaching out a hand to stroke her hair, he said, "I had to see you first."

"But you're bleeding...you need to get that mended..."

"Then you can do it," he said flatly, "But I'm not leaving."

Sighing even as her chest swelled with too many emotions to name, she pushed him over to a chair in the corner and made him sit. Kneeling down beside the chair, she made him take off his cloak and then lifted his shirt so she could get at the wound...which ended up being a gaping hole with burned edges right on his ribcage.

"God..."

"It's fine...it'll heal," he reassured her as his hand played with her hair.

"Stop," she said, smiling slightly, "Or I'll fall asleep while I'm trying to do this."

Predictably, he ignored her. She shook her head and asked, "What's happening out there? Is it almost over?"

"I don't know," he replied wearily, "I thought it was almost over last night...but apparently I was wrong."

"How did this happen?" she asked as she gingerly healed the burns on his side, trying not to hurt him.

"I don't know...I didn't notice it until after the fact. I think there's a smaller one on my shoulder, too."

"Where?"

With some difficulty he removed his shirt so that she could have a better look at his injuries. He was bruised all over, but nothing too major except for the wound in his side and a smaller burn on the opposite shoulder. Her mind switched to mediwitch mode, and she worked on closing the wound in his side first. His breathing was shallow, but he didn't flinch again.

"I'm sorry if this hurts, James."

"Don't worry," he replied, and after a beat he said softly, "I'm sorry about before, Lily."

She felt tears spring to her eyes and blinked them furiously away so that she could see. "What do _you_ have to apologize for?"

"I was telling you a pack of lies when I told you I had gotten over you. I guess I just wanted to believe it...but it wasn't true. It _isn't_ true."

"You don't have to say it," she tried to stop him, but he protested,

"I _want_ to say it. I want you to know everything."

He took a breath, winced slightly at the pain it caused him, and then continued, "After talking to Remus, I was thrown into the worst fit of jealously...I almost _hated_ him, Lily. My best friend. I resented the hell out of him for what he was telling me about you...that he was the one who'd made you change your mind, that you two had gotten close after I was gone..."

"Oh, James..."

"I know," he interrupted, his voice quiet, "It was stupid. I think I knew at the time that it was stupid...but I couldn't help it. Just when I'd finally thought I'd come to mean something more to you, you _still_ trusted him over me. It seemed like you'd trust _anyone_ before you'd trust me."

Lily shook her head sadly even though it was no longer a sentiment he felt and silently shifted her weight on her haunches so she could close the last bit of the wound. He lifted his arm so that she could get a better hold on his skin and went on,

"You destroyed me that night in the Cauldron. My first year in training I was a bloody wreck...all I did was think about you and curse myself for how I'd left things. I trained twice as hard so that perhaps I could finish early and come for you, I poured over my schedule and tried to see if I could go on leave to find you...I even studied Muggle ways."

"Muggle ways?" she repeated, frowning up at him.

"In case it took awhile to convince you to come back," he replied, and she caught on to what he was saying with a jolt before he continued, "After I spoke to Remus...I felt like a bloody fool. All the effort I'd been putting into figuring out how to save what we had turned sour, and I started to actively refuse to think about you. I was humiliated, and I blamed you...and I hated you for it. Eventually I buried it all...and then along you came, back in my life again."

She was crying now, but she didn't know what to say. Standing up and moving so that she was in front of him, she leaned down and examined his shoulder. "I'm...oh, James, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I couldn't write..."

"I know."

"We weren't allowed to write, or I would have..."

"Don't," he cut her off, "Don't apologize. Please, let's just...let's not think about all that anymore. It's over, right?"

Nodding, she started on his shoulder, her tears falling onto his skin as she worked. After a moment of watching what she was doing, his eyes moved to gaze at her face. Finally, he brought his hands up and grasped her by the waist.

"Don't move your shoulder...James..."

Paying no attention to her words, he pulled her so that her legs were straddling him and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his forehead against her abdomen. She responded by closing her eyes and putting her hands in his hair, running her fingers back and forth gently. Suddenly he stood, grasped her face between his hands, and kissed her again. As it quickly escalated, she managed to break away a bit and whisper,

"Your shoulder isn't finished."

He didn't respond except to stop her mouth with his and back her slowly towards her bed. The backs of her knees made contact with it first and she sat down automatically, with him following her as she went, half on top of her. The kiss only got deeper and more frenzied as they both sought a release from the frustration and angst they had been carrying around with them since that night so long ago at the Leaky Cauldron. His lips moved from her mouth to her neck, and then across her shoulders, while his hands stroked her body. She was getting lost in the feeling...something in her brain was telling her that they should probably stop now, but she ignored it and reciprocated the things he was doing the best she could.

Suddenly, after what seemed like too short of a time, there was a bang outside the tent. James tensed and lifted his head. "What the bloody hell was that?"

"I hate to interrupt your...medical treatment," came a brusque voice from just outside the tent, "But your group is moving out, Potter."

Lily gasped and surged to her feet as she realized that it was Moody. James, still disconcerted and now more than a little annoyed, sat up on the bed and barked, "What?"

"It's over...the Deatheaters have retreated. Your group is moving out as planned. Help him find his shirt and send him on his way, girl."

It was said with a note of humor in his voice, but Lily felt hot embarrassment lick at her insides before the cold weight of dread hit her as the meaning of his words sunk in. Turning around to face James again, she found him standing now, staring at her with a tense expression on his face...she could tell he was realizing it, too. Their eyes locked and for a moment time froze, despite the rush they were supposed to be in. She was feeling many different emotions at the same time, but one dominated the rest...and that was the feeling of desperation at the thought of letting him go.

"I love you."

She was shocked that the words had come from her own mouth, and they obviously had a devastating effect on him. His mouth opened slightly, and his hazel eyes sparked with intensity as they gazed at her.

"What are we going to do?" she asked him, her voice catching in her throat. All she wanted was to run into his arms and stay there. His eyes burning into hers, he said, "The rules are still the same...about family being stationed together..."

"POTTER!"

His name once again sliced through the canvas of the tent as Moody hurried him, but James ignored him as he declared, "We don't have to be separated again."

She felt like her insides were on fire. Lily could barely believe that this was happening, after she'd felt so hopeless days ago. She felt inexplicably silly, to be feeling such a surge of joy during such a grave moment...but she couldn't help it. As his name was shouted again, this time by his comrades looking for him, he abruptly grasped her by the shoulders, his eyes imploring her to make her decision.

"Lily...I don't think I _can_ say goodbye again."

Feeling only a slight flutter in her abdomen on account of nerves over the monumental thing she was about to do, Lily nodded and replied, "Alright...alright, yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes," she repeated, feeling so relieved she wanted to collapse, "I agree...I accept...or whatever I'm supposed to say."

"You're sure this is what you want?" he asked her, bending his knees a bit so he was at eye level with her.

"I'm absolutely sure...and now it's for all the _right_ reasons."

He grabbed her face and kissed her impulsively. She held on to his neck, almost afraid to believe that everything she'd ever prayed for with regards to him had now come true. Any minute she'd wake up and find to her horror that it was all a vivid dream caused by the sleeping draught...but she knew that couldn't be. The warmth and strength of his hold on her was too real.

"Potter, we're waiting on you!" someone shouted, their footsteps pounding towards them. As the footsteps slowed to a halt by the entrance to her tent, Lily felt the lump form in her throat once more as she realized that the moment had come...they were going to have to separate again, at least briefly.

James pulled away from her and looked at her for a moment. "I love you."

She nodded, tears streaming down her face, and pushed at his chest. "Go."

"When are you finished with Mad-Eye?"

"Two months."

"I'll find you then...I'll tell the appropriate people what we want to do, and they'll...

"Alright, I know...I'll see you then, but you have to go now."

He finally released her and, with one last lingering look and a small roguish smile that transported her back to their days at Hogwarts, he grabbed his shirt and made for the tent entrance, calling back over his shoulder, "Don't let me find out you've changed your mind when I come back."

She shot him a look that made his grin widen, and then he turned and was gone. She only had a moment to stare after him before she heard her own name being bellowed from behind her. Turning, she saw Moody's shadow through the canvas. It somehow looked severe even though she couldn't see his features.

"What the devil are you still doing in your bloody pajamas, girl?"

"I...I was..."

"Nevermind...just put something on and then pack up. We're leaving."

She did as she was told, and for the first time since she entered training, she felt truly free. A burden had been lifted off of her shoulders, and she felt as though she'd be able to fly without the aid of a broom if anyone asked her to do so. She'd seen James at long last, and he still loved her. He wanted her...and everything would be alright now.

Fully dressed and finished with her packing in less than two minutes, she hoisted her pack over her shoulders and stepped out into the cool spring morning. The sun coming up in the east, and she could tell that it was going to be a clear day. Unable to surpress her smile as she walked over to Moody, he looked down at her and, raising an eyebrow, he observed,

"Something tells me you aren't smiling like that because we won the battle."

She simply smiled wider and shook her head, then followed his lead out of the camp...finally optimistic about where the road was going to take her next.

**FINIS**

**To Be Concluded in the Epilogue**

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower


	14. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

Lily poked her head around the doorframe and felt a slow smile creep across her face at the sight before her...James was sitting in the rocking chair with Harry in his arms, and they were both fast asleep. She reveled for a moment in the peaceful silence of the scene, and then tiptoed into the room, careful not to make too much noise. She'd left her book in there earlier, and wanted to get some more reading done before she went to bed. Before she could get across the room, however, James' eyes flew open and he blinked a couple of times at the light streaming in from the corridor. Lily felt guilty for having woken him, as they'd both been so exhausted lately, and whispered,

"I didn't mean to wake you...I was just getting my book."

He stared at her for a moment, as though his mind was still waking up, and then glanced at the book in her hand and smirked. "I should have known to leave it outside the door."

She gave him a fake, silent laugh and turned to walk back out. As she was reaching for the door, he stood up as well, careful not to jostle Harry. She shook her head and protested quietly, "Oh, no...you don't have to, James. You looked comfortable there."

"He needs to sleep in his bed, and I need to sleep in mine," he whispered back, and then shot her a grin, "Or...if not sleep..."

She raised an eyebrow at him and fought the urge to laugh, even though she knew he was perfectly serious. "Make sure you leave his little bear with him...he hates it when he wakes up in the night and it isn't there."

"I know," James replied in mock irritation, then muttered, "You'd think I've never put my son to bed before."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm going to get back to my book."

"Don't get too far into it," he warned suggestively, "You're going to have to put it down in a minute."

She waved her hand to show that she didn't take him seriously, even as her stomach did a little flip and her face flushed. Rather than walk to their room straight away, however, she stood for a moment on the other side of the half-closed doorway so that she could listen to what was happening in the room without being noticed. She heard Harry give a little whimper as James laid him down in his crib...this was always the hard part. After a minute of silence, she heard James begin to whisper.

"You've got to go to sleep, I'm afraid...and I've got to go and put Mummy to bed now."

Lily rolled her eyes again, putting her hand over her mouth to stop the laughter from escaping. James went on, "Listen, Harry...let me give you something to sleep on tonight. Whatever else you do in life...make sure you end up with a redhead. You'll never regret it."

Even though the circumstances of his saying it were completely silly, Lily felt oddly touched. Before she could think more about it, though, he finished, "Goodnight, Harry…I'd better go. Mummy's waiting for me right outside the door...she must be impatient for something."

Lily jumped slightly, then smiled and turned away. Padding down the corridor, she went to open the door to their bedroom...and then stopped, listening. She could have sworn she heard something...something strange. Frowning, she walked over to the stairs and leaned on the banister, straining her ears. Presently, she heard a twig snap just below the window...and something about the noise frightened her. Turning, she walked swiftly back toward Harry's room and got there just as James was closing the door behind him.

"James," she said in a low voice, "I heard something outside."

He looked at her and his brows drew together. "What?"

"A noise...it sounded like a prowler."

He stared for a moment, then shook his head. "No, that's impossible. Probably just an animal or something."

She sighed, knowing he was probably right but unable to shake the feeling in her stomach. "I think we should go and see. I don't know why...it scared me."

He regarded her for a moment, then nodded. "Alright...I'll go look. You stay up here, and I'll be right back."

She nodded, feeling silly but somehow justified. James walked past her and went downstairs, leaving her upstairs alone. She knew she should feel completely secure in that house, with all the protections it offered...but she didn't. It made her nervous to stay there...as though they were isolated. That had been the point, she knew, but...it also made her feel miles from aid if needed. Suddenly, she heard James running back up the steps...and she knew something wasn't right. Before she could ask, he bounded up to her and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him!"

She felt her blood turn to ice, and she could do no more than stand there with her eyes wide with fear. James didn't even have to say his name...she knew who he meant. This couldn't be happening. He shook her a little and said urgently, "Go! _Run_!"

"What are you going to do?" she asked, although her voice came out in a mere choked whisper. He shook his head and replied, as he grabbed her arm and propelled her towards the door of the nursery,

"I'll hold him off."

She could feel her heart about to jump right out of her chest, and she thought she might be sick from the panic. As she reached for the doorknob, she looked back over her shoulder at James...and found him looking back at her as he pulled out his wand. In his eyes was a look she'd never seen before. There was fear there, yes...but it wasn't fear for himself. It was determination...he knew what he had to do, and he was prepared to do it without a second thought. Lily realized with a sickening jolt, as she heard the lock being blown off the front door, that this was probably the last time she would ever see him. Tears welling uncontrollably in her eyes as she drank in his beloved features, she said in a surprisingly clear voice,

"I love you."

His eyes softened for a brief moment, and she felt their souls connect for the last time. They both knew what needed to be done...a single thought existed in their minds. After a pause, he replied, "I love you, too. Now go..._hurry_."

Her heart breaking, she turned the handle on the door, knowing that there was no time to spare. She had to get her son to safety...it was all that mattered. Her eyes adjusted quickly to the dimness as she looked around, the room lit by a single nightlight...and then she saw that he was already awake. The yelling must have woken him...but he wasn't crying. He was just sitting there, quietly sucking on the ear of his already-ratty stuffed bear.

A huge noise erupted from downstairs...a screeching noise, followed by a flash of green light that invaded the dim room through the cracks in the doorway. Then there was silence...and she knew she was alone. He was gone. She'd never hear his voice again, never see his grin...never again feel his arms around her.

He was gone.

Pushing the crushing grief away, knowing she didn't have time to think about it, she ran to the window and pushed aside the light blue curtains so that she could see into the garden below. Gazing out into the night, she tried to make out an escape route...and then her throat closed as she caught sight instead of dozens upon dozens of black-robed figures standing in the darkness below. Death-eaters...they were surrounding the house. There was no way out.

Heavy steps now resounded on the stairs...he was coming. There was no time to escape, no time to hide...and, panicked, she went for her wand.

Suddenly, she felt a tug on her hair. Looking down, she was met with the sight of Harry...his chubby little fist was holding a handful of her red hair, and his green eyes were bright as he shoved it in his mouth. He regarded her with a complete childlike innocence, unaware of the danger that was just outside his bedroom door. As she gazed at him, she suddenly knew the true meaning of the word _fear_...any fear she had ever felt for her own life was nothing compared to this.

Slowly, she slid her wand back into her pocket. She knew what she had to do...fighting wasn't the answer. James had fought...he had been beaten. If James couldn't hold him, then Lily knew she didn't have a chance in hell...and if she fought, if she did not give her life willingly, it wouldn't work. Lily needed it to work...Harry needed it to work. This spell, the thought of which had kept her up many nights. The one she had prayed she would never have to consider. She'd read about it long ago, in some dusty old book at Hogwarts...this ancient protection that a mother could offer her child when all other hope had failed. Recently, she'd gone in search of information about it and, though it was scarce, she had found it. Now it was the only hope she had of saving her son.

She had to _let_ Voldemort kill her.

Closing her eyes tightly, she snatched Harry out of his crib and held him to her. The tears were coming fast, but she was not afraid to die...she was only overwhelmed with regret that she had to leave him alone. This was the last time she was ever going to hold him...she would not be there to share in the little triumphs and failures that he would experience throughout his life. She was going to be missing everything, and he would never know her. Pressing her lips against his head, she whispered, "I'm sorry, Harry."

He made a small noise at the back of his throat, and she looked down at him. He was grabbing for her necklace. Kissing him again as she heard the footsteps stop right outside the door, she silently begged the powers-that-be to make this work...to keep him safe.

"I love you, Harry," she said, and then she screamed as the door exploded from its hinges. Her heart beating frantically, she took one last look at Harry and then turned around to face her fate, her wand still resting in her back pocket where it would stay.

**FINIS**

**Please Read Author's Note and Farewell Here**

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower


	15. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

Now that Crossroads is finally complete, I wanted to take this opportunity to say a few things because I feel I owe it to all the people who've been following this fic for a long time and who have been so encouraging and wonderful along the way.

When I first had the idea of doing a J/L fic, I was going to write it as a one-shot – a standalone. It involved a lot of things that didn't even come close to ending up in the story that exists today, and that's probably a good thing because most of it was awful (ie a dance, Lily falling down a flight of stairs, a broom closet, and similar clichéd horrors). Just about the only thing that survived was the conversation James and Lily have in Chapter Eight about him being an animagus...and funnily enough, that's almost word for word from its original concept.

Slowly but surely, it went to being a three-parter and finally to a full-fledged novel-length. It was in the works long before I ever put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard – whatever) and since then it's gone through countless revisions, sometimes with me and my faithful beta Casca rearranging things a mere couple of days before I put the chapter online. I began it, then in the middle of writing it I went to France and spent endless hours in my room on Allée Spach with my laptop and God-knows how many euros at the internet café sending it back and forth for editing and posting. I scrambled to get that last chapter out right before Order of the Phoenix hit the shelves...and then decided to revise, which turned into a project that was ten times bigger than I thought it was going to be.

Crossroads has been a constant source of pride and joy for me during these past three years, even if I want to faint when I think that it's actually been that long since I came up with the idea in the first place! I wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been enjoyable, and it wouldn't have been half as enjoyable if it weren't for the countless readers who let me know that they were eagerly following it. For that, I do not know words eloquent enough to thank you.

As the story has wound down to its conclusion in the past months, however, many will have noticed that my updates have become sporadic. Life for me now is very different than it was three years ago, and there are different kinds of time constraints. Not to mention the fact that even the most enthusiastic writers run the risk of getting burned out if they work on something for too long. So, needless to say, this version of Crossroads will be the last, no matter what Ms. Rowling has in store for us (or James and Lily) in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I am glad I revised, because I think I have made it a better story, but I don't have it in me to do it again – and I'm sure you don't have it in you to read it again! If indeed the story becomes an AU, I know that it has run a good course creatively and know that it will still maintain its place in the hearts of its most staunch fans – one of them being myself.

I'll close by saying once again how much I've appreciated your support over the years for this story. I want to send a huge thank you to the gals who carried me through my numerous bouts of writers block and gave me heaps of inspiration along the way – Adrea, Sandra, Kathy, and most especially Cara. I couldn't have done it without you guys, because you've all made sure to nurture my obsession with your own and it's always better for eccentrics to travel in groups. ;-) Also to all those Hidden Tower inmates who were generous with their praise and always managed to leave a review (or a nag) for me at the Tower forum – thank you. To those who never posted at the boards but who took the time to email me and let me know they were liking what they read – thank you. Last but not least, to all the lurkers who never came out from behind their screens but who followed the story – thank you.

With that, I'll bid a fond farewell to Crossroads (writing it, at least), and now I'm on to the next thing, whatever that may be. :-)

Emmyjean

PS – I would be remiss if I didn't also express my thanks to those assets which made the 'discussions' (read: arguments) Cara and I had over the details of this story much more comfortable (read: less dangerous). These are, in no particular order:

· **Oldsmobile** (provided the means for summer - and winter - evening drives)

· **New Star Chinese Restaurant** (in Elmwood Park, Illinois which is a suburb of Chicago and if anyone ever goes, you MUST try the eggrolls)

· **The CocaCola Company** (for Diet Vanilla Coke)

· The late, great **Angel's** All-Nite Diner (RIP to the best cream of chicken soup ever)

· **Net. (the most accommodating internet café in Strasbourg)**


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